# I would like to apologize in advance for this thread full of jokes. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 7, 2007, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534 "2007-11-07T12:45:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![nd\_n8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/439d5e/32.png) [@nd\_n8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nd_n8)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/1 "2007-11-07T12:45:51Z")
A drunk guy is walking down the street He sees a nun on the other side of the street He runs to the other side of the street and knocks her down The drunk guy starts stomping on and kicking the crap out of the nun He looks down at her and says: “You ain’t so tough now are you Batman?” ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/2 "2007-11-07T12:47:32Z")
Yeah that’s worth an apology. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/3 "2007-11-07T12:52:59Z")
An oldie but a goodie: Q: What meat do priests eat on Fridays? A: Nun ---
**Author:** ![nd\_n8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/439d5e/32.png) [@nd\_n8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nd_n8)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/4 "2007-11-07T12:59:21Z")
[QUOTE=Winston Smith] An oldie but a goodie: Q: What meat do priests eat on Fridays? A: Nun [/QUOTE] Nice one. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/5 "2007-11-07T14:15:08Z")
So a priest is walking downtown, and a hooker approaches him. “How about some head father? fifty bucks.” she purrs. The priest not wise in the ways of the flesh says no thanks and keeps walking. When gets back to the church is wondering just what the hooker was offering. He sees one of the nuns and decides to ask her. “Sister, what’s head?” “Fifty bucks, same as downtown.” I’m sorry ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/6 "2007-11-07T14:20:01Z")
“I’ve never come this way before.” “Must be the cobblestones.” ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/7 "2007-11-07T14:35:05Z")
Sure, you can kiss a nun once or twice, but don’t get into the habit. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/8 "2007-11-07T14:37:49Z")
[QUOTE=nd\_n8] A drunk guy is walking down the street He sees a nun on the other side of the street He runs to the other side of the street and knocks her down The drunk guy starts stomping on and kicking the crap out of the nun He looks down at her and says: “You ain’t so tough now are you Batman?” [/QUOTE] I heard that this morning on _The Bob and Tom Show_. Damn near drove into a ditch I was laughing so hard. 😃 If nun jokes are wrong, I don’t want to be right. ---
**Author:** ![nd\_n8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/439d5e/32.png) [@nd\_n8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nd_n8)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/9 "2007-11-07T14:40:15Z")
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu] I heard that this morning on _The Bob and Tom Show_. Damn near drove into a ditch I was laughing so hard. 😃 If nun jokes are wrong, I don’t want to be right. [/QUOTE] Yeah, me too. It got stuck in my head and I had to share. Bass Talk Rocks. ---
**Author:** ![brewha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/10 "2007-11-07T14:58:48Z")
So a cabbie picks up a Nun. As he’s driving the Nun to her destination, they start to talk. The cab driver detects a bit of flirting from the nun and finally admits that he’s always had a fantasy about having sex with a nun. The nun replies that they can do it if, and only if, A) The cabby is Catholic B) They never speak of it again C) They do anal, because the nun can’t risk pregnancy. The cabby agrees and they pull off the road and sneak off into the woods for a quickie. After they finished up and got back into the cab, the cab driver breaks down crying. The nun asks him what is wrong. He says, “I’m sorry sister, but I have to tell you something. I haven’t been honest with you. I’m not catholic.” The nun says, “It’s alright, I haven’t been honest with you either. The truth is I’m not really a nun. My name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a halloween party.” ---
**Author:** ![nd\_n8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/439d5e/32.png) [@nd\_n8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nd_n8)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/11 "2007-11-07T16:32:24Z")
A bass player goes into a bar He sees a good looking woman at the end of the bar and buys her a drink After a couple of drinks they decide to go to her apartment She goes into the bathroom to get comfortable so he goes into her bedroom to wait As he waits he notices all sorts of stuffed animals along the wall Smaller ones on the bottom shelf Medium ones on the middle shelf Larger ones on the top shelf He decides not to jinx it so he does not say anything She comes out and they have sex Afterwards he asks “So, How was it” She replies “You can take a prize off of the bottom shelf” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/12 "2007-11-07T16:37:03Z")
Q. What do you call two nuns and a hooker? A. Two tight ends and a wide receiver. * * * A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son-of-a-bitch!” he screamed. “Sir, that is inappropriate language,” the eldest nun said. “We understand you’re upset, but must you use such language?” “My apologies, Sister,” he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. “Son-of-a-bitch!” he screamed. “Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language,” the nun scolded. “If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn’t help us.” “I’m sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out,” the trucker replied. “Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset. Say something like ‘Dear Lord, help me’.” Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out “Son…” but quickly caught himself and said, “Dear Lord, help me.” At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself. Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, “Son-of-a-bitch!” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/13 "2007-11-07T16:44:04Z")
“There’s no way I’m gargling with that stuff after Sister Theresa sits in it!” “Ooh! Hand soap!” “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?” ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/14 "2007-11-07T16:50:45Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] “There’s no way I’m gargling with that stuff after Sister Theresa sits in it!” “Ooh! Hand soap!” “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?” [/QUOTE] I don’t get it. Ha! Huh? ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/15 "2007-11-07T16:58:30Z")
I edited the thread title, **nd\_n8** , to make it less ambiguous and to reflect what this thread is turning out to be. ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/16 "2007-11-07T17:07:35Z")
[QUOTE=Winston Smith] I don’t get it. Ha! Huh? [/QUOTE] Those are punchlines to jokes. It would be nice if he supplied the rest of the jokes. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/17 "2007-11-07T17:12:05Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] “There’s no way I’m gargling with that stuff after Sister Theresa sits in it!” [/QUOTE] I don’t get it. > [@](#): > > “Ooh! Hand soap!” Ha! > [@](#): > > “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?” Huh? ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/18 "2007-11-07T17:17:27Z")
[QUOTE=nd\_n8] A bass player goes into a bar He sees a good looking woman at the end of the bar and buys her a drink [/QUOTE] Hey wait. This is the unmarked nun joke thread. So is she an unmarked nun? ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/19 "2007-11-07T17:19:37Z")
[QUOTE=Winston Smith] \ Huh? [/QUOTE] There’s a knock at the door. “Who is it?”, said the young lady as she got out of the shower. “It’s the blind man.” The woman figured since he was blind, she didn’t need need to get dressed before she answered the door. “Nice tits! Now where do you want me to hang these blinds?” ---
**Author:** ![nd\_n8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/439d5e/32.png) [@nd\_n8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nd_n8)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534/20 "2007-11-07T17:24:12Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] Hey wait. This is the unmarked nun joke thread. So is she an unmarked nun? [/QUOTE] Umm… Yes, yes she is. I’ll probably go to hell for starting an unmarked nun joke thread. But… “Sister Mary, if you don’t learn to control yourself I’m going to make you put the bicycle seat back on.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-would-like-to-apologize-in-advance-for-this-thread-full-of-jokes/425534.md?page=2)