# I'd like to @ss you a few questions.... **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [October 26, 2000, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364 "2000-10-26T03:18:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bobort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bobort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobort)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2000, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/21 "2000-10-27T00:55:52Z")
As far as deriving entertainment from flatulence, I know fart jokes figured prominently Aristophanes’ repertoire. So I think we can safely say that fart jokes are at least 2500 years old, and probably a lot older. ---
**Author:** ![system\_hoser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@system\_hoser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system_hoser)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2000, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/22 "2000-10-27T02:18:48Z")
Hoo boy… let’s see, when in Rome… do not fart at the dinner table… but to avoid Diverticular Disease don’t retain flatus… yet to keep from blowing up during surgery… hmmm, I sure don’t want to develop dropsy or start convulsing… I had no idea what I was getting into here. Maybe I need to ponder a koan. I wonder if there was ever one written about this very topic? If a bear farts in the woods, but no one is there to smell it… no, that’s no good… You’re definitely not alone in your preference, panache45. I even try to remember what it was that I ate sometimes, judging by the bouquet: “Ah yes, a vintage 09:35 granola bar. Somewhat bold, but not overpowering, with just a hint of Folger’s Mountain Grown. It is an almost piquant counterpoint to the aromatic melody of flannel sheets mixed with just a touch of fresh evening air”. ---
**Author:** ![Donovan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ea666f/32.png) [@Donovan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Donovan)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2000, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/23 "2000-10-27T04:26:20Z")
I know this sounds stupid, but I am serious. Is frequent and/or really nasty flatulence a result of genes, diet or a mix of the two?? I know some people who always are farting no matter what they eat, and some who never seem to fart, no matter what type of food they’ve been eating. I am aware that certain types of food will make you fart more than others, but some people, wow… ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2000, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/24 "2000-10-27T05:01:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by yojimbo \* > \*\*Searching the archives is great. I’ve just found about 10 things that I’m now going off to read 🙂 > > \*\* Okay, I’m guessing one is the whole “caloric content of sperm”, one is the question about that fat chick and the horse, and one is about the jazz musician who was actually a woman. And, for the hell of it, Tycho Brahe’s nose and Isaac Newton’s virginity. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2000, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/25 "2000-10-27T05:05:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Donovan \* > **Is frequent and/or really nasty flatulence a result of genes, diet or a mix of the two??** I feel qualified to answer this question, as I fart more than Drew Carey did in the tofu cake episode. I went to a high school where the food goes fast, so I had to eat fast. Result: I sometimes swallow my food, and I swallow a decent amount of air when I do. No matter how much induced burping I do (and I can burp on command), I always have a fair amount of gas left over. So I’d add one more to the list: eating style (how much air you swallow). ---
**Author:** ![WIGGUM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ce7236/32.png) [@WIGGUM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WIGGUM)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2000, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/26 "2000-10-27T13:54:40Z")
This site may be useful as well. [http://www.heptune.com/farts.html](http://www.heptune.com/farts.html) ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2000, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/27 "2000-10-28T20:34:58Z")
That’a pretty good site WIGGUM, except I found what I think to be one glaring innaccuracy: > [@](#): > > Do even movie stars fart? > (Question submitted by Mermaid2006) > Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts. How could Yoda fart with Frank Oz’s fist in his ass? ---
**Author:** ![festiva76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e8cbc/32.png) [@festiva76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/festiva76)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2000, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/28 "2000-10-28T21:22:15Z")
My cat has a nasty habit of jumping up into my lap, supposedly to cuddle, then leaving me a “present.” It reeks, and my fiance has more than once accused me of letting that one go. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2000, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/29 "2000-10-28T22:23:00Z")
You all might be interested in the following book: Dawson, Jim. _Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart_. Berkely, CA: Ten Speed Press, 1999. And who says that dogs like the smell of their own farts? When my dog farts, he tries to run away from his own ass! ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/30 "2000-10-29T01:37:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr. Cynical \* > **Additionally, did you ever notice that when you’ve got a really good one stored up, you have the ability to modulate the pitch by clenching and releasing your buttocks? I suppose that after a good night with broccoli, beans and beer, you could conceiveably fart The Halls Of Montezuma (pun intended).** I’m wondering whether anyone’s ever written music for the fart, perhaps as part of an ensemble, such as “Serenade for tenor fart and tuba quintet in f# major.” ---
**Author:** ![system\_hoser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@system\_hoser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system_hoser)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/31 "2000-10-29T01:42:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Revtim \* > \*\*…How could Yoda fart with Frank Oz’s fist in his ass? > \*\* ---
**Author:** ![system\_hoser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@system\_hoser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system_hoser)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/32 "2000-10-29T01:48:42Z")
dang it I submitted too soon, duh. Since Yoda is a Jedi Master, he uses the force to fart. Orifice blockage is nothing to a Jedi Master. ---
**Author:** ![omni-not](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8dc957/32.png) [@omni-not](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/omni-not)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/33 "2000-10-29T01:52:22Z")
> [@](#): > > A girl in my middle school health class said she never farted, not even once when no one else was around. Is this possible, or was she just being a prude? If she actually had never farted, and had been holding it in all that time, wouldn’t that be some sort of World Record? dunno, but if she’s telling the truth, wouldn’t want to be around when the blessed event occurs. ---
**Author:** ![cheezit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@cheezit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cheezit)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/34 "2000-10-29T02:42:05Z")
Beware of the dreaded “solid” fart. You know, that’s the one where you start to let 'er rip and you go “oops”, and make tracks for the john. :D:D . . . . . . . . I hate it when that happens. :D:D ---
**Author:** ![system\_hoser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@system\_hoser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system_hoser)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/35 "2000-10-29T02:43:55Z")
Heeheeheeheeheehee stupid joke: What is the sharpest object in the world? A fart. It can cut through your jeans and not even leave a hole. ---
**Author:** ![system\_hoser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@system\_hoser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system_hoser)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/36 "2000-10-29T02:51:19Z")
Could you hurt yourself if you fart while wearing silk underwear? I’ve heard that people who work around volatile, flammable gases like propane cannot wear silk underwear, as some sort of spark can be generated from static or some such thing. How did they figure that one out? I bet it was one of those live and learn experiences. ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/37 "2000-10-29T02:57:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by panache45 \* > \*\* > > I’m wondering whether anyone’s ever written music for the fart, perhaps as part of an ensemble, such as “Serenade for tenor fart and tuba quintet in f# major.” \*\* Once again, **Cecil Adams** to the [rescue](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_394.html)! ---
**Author:** ![system\_hoser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@system\_hoser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system_hoser)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/38 "2000-10-29T03:00:48Z")
“The Fartiste” – that is too great. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2000, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/39 "2000-10-29T03:14:01Z")
So two gay guys get on an airplane and sit on either side of a very large man. As the plane is taxiing to the runway, the large man starts sniffing around. “Damn,” he says with his nose all scrunched up, “what is that smell?” The gay guy on the aisle seat titters a bit and says “Oh, that was me. I farted.” The large man shrugs and leans back in his seat. About half an hour into the flight, he turns to the guy and says “Good lord, I smell it again. Did you just fart?” The gay guy in the window seat starts snickering and says “Nope. Sorry, that one was me.” The large man shakes his head and says “Those aren’t farts, let me show you how it’s done.” He sucks in a bit of air, strains for a bit and then lets loose this thunderous noise from below. It echos about the cabin, it pushes the stewardess back against the wall, it makes men lose their hats and women faint for six rows back. When he’s done, the large man smiles in satisfaction. The one gay guy leans over and, with a hand halfway covering his mouth says “Oh my…a virgin.” ---
**Author:** ![quasar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/48db29/32.png) [@quasar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quasar)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2000, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364/40 "2000-10-30T20:48:31Z")
Wow, a thread dedicated exclusively to farts. This must be my lucky day. 😃 Actually, I can’t believe that I hadn’t found out about it before. ::curses himself for obviating such a magnificent, highly relevant thread:: ::to relieve the frustration he lets go a thundering fart out of his obedient ass:: Wow, that was good. That will cheer me up anytime. 😃 Anyhow, I have a feeling I will be posting heavily on this thread. May the farts be with you. I mean, may the force be with you all. And the farts too. 😃 * * * Fart proudly–Benhamin Franklin. Thanks **Connor** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-like-to-ss-you-a-few-questions/38364.md?page=3)