# I'd love some relationship advice please. I think my girlfriend is cheating **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 12, 2015, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645 "2015-01-12T19:54:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Kane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Kane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Kane)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/21 "2015-01-12T22:27:13Z")
Yeah, it’s so confusing because all of these replies are landing on two different sides of the fence and I kind of agree with both. I don’t know what to think. I feel terribly guilty for snooping but I can’t ignore what I found. I’m not sure whether what I found is strong evidence that she’s interested in this guy and is keeping her options open or what. I would have thought that she just enjoys the attention, getting her ego stroked a little bit but that would only make sense if I wasn’t good to her. Which I like to think I am. I would and **do** do anything for her. I love her and have always completely trusted her but for some reason this one incident just…set me off. ---
**Author:** ![Vita\_Beata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@Vita\_Beata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vita_Beata)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/22 "2015-01-12T22:29:18Z")
Don’t listen to any old Neil Young songs either. …_…shakes head…_. I wanna live with a cinnamon girl I could be happy the rest of my life With a cinnamon girl. ---
**Author:** ![typoink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecb155/32.png) [@typoink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/typoink)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/23 "2015-01-12T22:35:55Z")
I feel a touch of deja vu – didn’t we have a nearly identical thread a few months ago? Couple had temporary breakup, girl was talking a lot of a guy friend afterwards, long-distance visit, guy starts snooping, sees some small-scale inconsistencies but no smoking guns, gets paranoid, posts on the Dope. ---
**Author:** ![Nema98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d2c977/32.png) [@Nema98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nema98)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/24 "2015-01-12T22:55:34Z")
Maybe she deep down does not want to continue having a relationship with you, it is manifesting itself in this way. This could be a way to signal that things are not working out, and it’s time to end them. You had a three year relationship, does not mean you have to be together forever. Break up and move on. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/25 "2015-01-12T23:14:12Z")
> [@typoink](#): > > I feel a touch of deja vu – didn’t we have a nearly identical thread a few months ago? Couple had temporary breakup, girl was talking a lot of a guy friend afterwards, long-distance visit, guy starts snooping, sees some small-scale inconsistencies but no smoking guns, gets paranoid, posts on the Dope. This is a common thread starter for Dope newbies. Happens about every couple of months. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Kane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Kane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Kane)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/26 "2015-01-12T23:20:57Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > This is a common thread starter for Dope newbies. Happens about every couple of months. Yeah, I’m sorry about that. As I’m sure is very common I didn’t know where else to turn for a neutral point of view so I Googled it and I noticed that The Dope seemed to have a lot of straight talking people on it. I try to see it from the outside-looking-in as much as is possible but it’s hard when dumb emotions get in the way. I’ve appreciated all responses so far. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/27 "2015-01-12T23:24:11Z")
OP, please read post 16 a half-dozen times. ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/28 "2015-01-12T23:24:36Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Sorry but if she isn’t cheating now, she will be. She’s not going to drive 4 hours and NOT sleep with the guy. > > Put your foot down and say that it is unacceptable to meet guys on Facebook and contemplate driving 4 hours to meet them, and then if she continues to do it, break up. > > Sucks, I know. I agree with Manson here. I had a wife that every couple of years she’d have an affair. I always knew about because she would accuse me of having a girl friend. But the relevant point is that every time afterwards she wanted to “Be friends” with the guy after. One “just friend” drove from Chicago to Minneapolis to see her. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/29 "2015-01-13T00:32:38Z")
There are a number of people, both men and women, who want to always be in a relationship, so they keep one thing going past the expiration date while shopping for a new love. I can’t say if that’s what’s happening, but whatever it is, things don’t look particularly promising. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/30 "2015-01-13T01:08:58Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Sorry but if she isn’t cheating now, she will be. She’s not going to drive 4 hours and NOT sleep with the guy. > > Put your foot down and say that it is unacceptable to meet guys on Facebook and contemplate driving 4 hours to meet them, and then if she continues to do it, break up. > > Sucks, I know. This x 1000. Save yourself the hurt, end things now. ---
**Author:** ![Octarine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/22d042/32.png) [@Octarine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Octarine)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/31 "2015-01-13T01:09:44Z")
> [@Cinnamon\_Kane](#): > > . . . and she once blew me off on the phone - pretending she was too sick and weak to talk - so that she could call him. I don’t know about you, but this stood out to me. Didn’t Ferris Bueller do the same thing . . to his father? This relationship is over. It doesn’t even matter whether the snooping was justified/whether you’re being overbearing/whether the guy is actually just a friend - once she’s pretending to be sick so she doesn’t have to talk to you, it’s time to call it quits. Oh, and what I see as the stock advice for this situation: if you’re posting details about your relationship online to be evaluated by virtual strangers (heheh, pun), chances are it’s doomed. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/32 "2015-01-13T03:22:07Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > Snooping or no, you’re confused if you think she’s a keeper. OCD & severe depression. Chasing other guys. Uncommunicative. Other stuff you haven’t mentioned. > > Don’t let your guilt over snooping excuse her problems. Yes, you ought not have snooped. But that doesn’t give her an excuse. especially when she doesn’t know about it yet. > > Leave now. Don’t look back. Don’t bother telling her what you know or how you know it. And take the lessons learned and apply them to a relationship with somebody else which has a chance. This one doesn’t. This. And yes, she’s either cheating on you, or going to be. She is not committed to this relationship. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/33 "2015-01-13T03:42:05Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Sorry but if she isn’t cheating now, she will be. She’s not going to drive 4 hours and NOT sleep with the guy. > . Bullshit! I had a really good guy friend who lived in GA which is more than 9 hrs from where I live. Went on vacation with my husband to Atlanta. He had to fly back home early for exams and I stayed with his family a few days more and hung out with my guy friend. I had no intention of hooking up with him, had wine and watched a movie at his place and in his room and all that. And absolutely NOTHING happened because I am in a committed relationship and no matter how cute or flirty a guy is with me, I made a promise to myself and my husband to never cheat. Not all of us are so easily beguiled into bed, tyvm. \*said friend did confess his love to me later, over MySpace (yes I just dated myself) so we are no longer friends ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/34 "2015-01-13T04:35:23Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Bullshit! I had a really good guy friend who lived in GA which is more than 9 hrs from where I live. Went on vacation with my husband to Atlanta. He had to fly back home early for exams and I stayed with his family a few days more and hung out with my guy friend. I had no intention of hooking up with him, had wine and watched a movie at his place and in his room and all that. And absolutely NOTHING happened because I am in a committed relationship and no matter how cute or flirty a guy is with me, I made a promise to myself and my husband to never cheat. Not all of us are so easily beguiled into bed, tyvm. > > \*said friend did confess his love to me later, over MySpace (yes I just dated myself) so we are no longer friends That’s a bit different, though. If someone is going on vacation somewhere, or on a roadtrip, there’s absolutely no problem with meeting up with friends of their preferred sex or even staying with them. And it may even be different if they were old friends from high school and she heard he moved nearby or whatever. It’s a bit different in tenor when you’re driving 4 hours for no specific reason other than to stay with some random internet friend that you’re constantly talking to. I stayed with two female friends while moving a few states away, it was a much different situation than when I drove 3 hours to the middle of nowhere to meet my ex (before we were dating) and stay over for a couple days. I don’t like to jump of the “just dump her” bandwagon for all relationship advice, but at this point I think she’s emotionally connected to this guy and the relationship is running on fumes. That said, yes, snooping is wrong and you shouldn’t have done it, but you can’t let that guilt and error cloud the fact that she’s more or less outright flirting with a guy she plans to meet up with. They might not have sex, but it will basically be a date at the very least. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/35 "2015-01-13T07:56:39Z")
This is hardly a mystery. She’s playing the field and keeping you as a safety. No woman would encourage and chase after the kind of attention she is getting from Facebook guy if she seriously wanted to be your committed SO. The real issue here is that while you are “safe” she’s kind of over you as a man who excites her. Reading between the lines of your OP you also (seemingly) have an air of desperation re the status of the relationship and women often find that extremely unattractive. I would make alternative plans re your “together forever” expectations were I you. Sooner rather than later this scenario is going to end poorly with you dumped and crying. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/36 "2015-01-13T12:12:04Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Bullshit! I had a really good guy friend who lived in GA which is more than 9 hrs from where I live. Went on vacation with my husband to Atlanta. He had to fly back home early for exams and I stayed with his family a few days more and hung out with my guy friend. I had no intention of hooking up with him, had wine and watched a movie at his place and in his room and all that. And absolutely NOTHING happened because I am in a committed relationship and no matter how cute or flirty a guy is with me, I made a promise to myself and my husband to never cheat. Not all of us are so easily beguiled into bed, tyvm. > > \*said friend did confess his love to me later, over MySpace (yes I just dated myself) so we are no longer friends And for some, just that little bit of extra special attention that stops short of sex or emotional involvement is enough to scratch that itch. And for others, open relationships really really work. Long as both people in the relationships agree to the terms and rules, who cares what consenting adults get up to? But it this case, it doesn’t sound like the OP signed up for any of that and thus feels rightly betrayed by his SO. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/37 "2015-01-13T12:30:10Z")
This is why I never stayed a “boyfriend” with a girl more than a year. If I wasnt going to marry her we went our seperate ways and I never lived with a GF. I wasnt going to be someones “fallback” and I didnt want a pretend marriage. Thing is if your not married your not really a couple and you shouldnt be upset if she wants to leave. Either get married or move on. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/38 "2015-01-13T12:31:30Z")
> [@Aspenglow](#): > > How are you not one of the **main** things she is talking about? You’re living with her, for goodness’ sake! And “Just seeing how it goes???” This doesn’t sound like someone who is seriously committed, to me. I don’t think they’re living together: > [@](#): > > He has sent her flowers to her house After three years, I’m thinking this relationship was never what the OP thought it was. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/39 "2015-01-13T12:45:35Z")
Another vote to read post #16. And if you’ve been in the relationship for three years and have not moved in together or made future plans, then the relationship is perhaps not as serious as you thought it was. I’m sorry, this is a touch position for you to be in. Take care of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/40 "2015-01-13T14:16:41Z")
The relationship was over the first time you broke up. Its a different relationship now, one where you don’t trust each other, and once that happens, well, its just a matter of time really. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645.md?page=3)