# I'd love some relationship advice please. I think my girlfriend is cheating **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 12, 2015, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645 "2015-01-12T19:54:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/41 "2015-01-13T18:26:28Z")
How is it not self evident that she’s dating? Hardly subtle. When people show you who they _really_ are, it’s your job to SEE! ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/42 "2015-01-13T18:56:07Z")
Have you considered being in an open relationship? ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2015, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/43 "2015-01-13T19:48:49Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > The relationship was over the first time you broke up. Its a different relationship now, one where you don’t trust each other, and once that happens, well, its just a matter of time really. When you break up, stay broken up. Do not get back together a few days/weeks later. Stay the hell away from each other for at least a year to give your emotions a chance to cool down. I had to learn that lesson the hard way a couple of times. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2015, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/44 "2015-01-15T17:46:58Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > This x 1000. Save yourself the hurt, end things now. Yeah, another vote for the same. Drop her. She’s going to keep you while she tests the water with the new guy then cut you loose if he works out. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2015, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/45 "2015-01-15T18:28:37Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > This is a common thread starter for Dope newbies. Happens about every couple of months. Yep. Whole bunch of doper newbies, all wanna discuss their relationship drama. Happens all the time. Over and over and over. And over and over. And over. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2015, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/46 "2015-01-15T21:05:37Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Yep. Whole bunch of doper newbies, all wanna discuss their relationship drama. Happens all the time. Over and over and over. And over and over. And over. Yeah. Sure wish they’d use a condom, but some of them pull out instead. Shame. ---
**Author:** ![Bouncer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9d8465/32.png) [@Bouncer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bouncer)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2015, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/47 "2015-01-15T21:12:47Z")
> [@Aspenglow](#): > > I’ve got a different take based on what you have shared. I’m sorry, but you probably would rather not hear it. The short answer is, I think she’s keeping you on a short leash while she explores the potential with Mr. Sweetie. /me hands kewpie doll to the thread winner. Regards, -CarnyBouncer- ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2015, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/48 "2015-01-15T21:30:07Z")
You can either sit around and wait for her to leave you or you can move on to someone who’s not actively pursuing other men. Your choice. ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2015, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/49 "2015-01-16T00:11:10Z")
Did someone call me? No? I thought I heard my voice . . . Edited to add something useful: [Captain Awkward](http://captainawkward.com/)- read her relationship advice - it’s very practical and very good. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2015, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/50 "2015-01-17T04:33:46Z")
> [@CinnamonBabka](#): > > You weren’t justified. You are doing things that a psychotic over-bearing boyfriend would do. Wrong. He was justified. He didn’t beat her, and kill her family. Learn psychology before you make diagnoses. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2015, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/51 "2015-01-17T04:38:33Z")
You are half-way out the door right now. She has shown herself a liar, after you came crawling and blubbering about ‘total honesty’, etc… If you don’t think that she would be physically ‘unfaithful’, then there’s nothing that will convince you otherwise. There may be something to do to save the relationship, but, it is VERY tenuous, at this point. She told you about him so you could snap out of it, and change (don’t know how, but, there it is). You have, thus far, dropped the ball. Don’t be a sap. She’s gone. Get used to it. Go find another woman. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2015, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/52 "2015-01-17T16:41:12Z")
> [@Cinnamon\_Kane](#): > > She did eventually vaguely mention to him that she had a boyfriend and when he asked how it’s going between us (he actually called me a lucky guy, the snake) my girlfriend replied “Good. Just seeing how it goes” and she calls him sweet and sends him kisses, she puts a bit more effort in to talking to him than she does with me and she once blew me off on the phone - pretending she was too sick and weak to talk - so that she could call him. She might not ever physically cheat on you, but she’s already emotionally cheating on you, and emotional infidelity is every bit as damaging as physical infidelity. The path back from that is bumpy and full of rocks and half-hidden tree roots for you both to trip over, but it can be walked. The first step is for the cheating partner to acknowledge that the affair is problematic. If she refuses to see or admit that prioritizing this person over you is a problem, stick a fork in this shit. You might technically stay together, but you guys are fundamentally done. If you doubt that I’m right, have your best friend call and tell you the stuff I quoted from you OP, like it’s happening to him. Respond as though this is happening to him. And then take your own advice. ---
**Author:** ![Knucklefunger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Knucklefunger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knucklefunger)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2015, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/53 "2015-01-17T17:33:42Z")
Consider this: It’s fine having friends of the opposite gender. I have a friend of nearly 20 yrs that’s female. My girlfriend know this. I asked her early on in our relationship if this is an issue. She replied “not a problem with you two hanging out. You knew one another before we started dating. It would be different if this was someone new and you wanted to hang out”. Insecurity is a relationship killer. I’m not free of it. It’s more about trying to keep it in check. Best thing is to always talk openly about things. Try to not wait overly long to address issues. Don’t let it build up. Try this: “I understand things haven’t been as smooth as we would like with our relationship. But we both seem understand how we feel about one another. I feel compelled to tell you that although I don’t have a problem with you having guy friends, this situation makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s sending me a signal that I am not fulfilling your emotional needs. Is this the case or am I misinterpreting things? Would you consider it acceptable for me to drive 4hrs to meet up with a woman who I’ve spoken with online and who has expressed romantic interest?” Depending on her response, act accordingly. Personally, I’d expect a negative outcome & prepare. You aren’t a boyfriend of convenience. Even a healthy relationship has it’s moments. This doesn’t sound so healthy though. Sometimes women like to push the boyfriend’s buttons to make a guy feel jealous, unsure of your footing within the relationship, insecure etc. It is a power play. If this is the case, start singing Ronnie James Dio’s Walk Away! Have a conversation. If this woman is worth it, you two will converse, she will understand your concerns. She doesn’t have to agree. But she does have to understand. THAT is mutual respect. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2015, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/54 "2015-01-17T17:35:51Z")
> [@typoink](#): > > I feel a touch of deja vu – didn’t we have a nearly identical thread a few months ago? Couple had temporary breakup, girl was talking a lot of a guy friend afterwards, long-distance visit, guy starts snooping, sees some small-scale inconsistencies but no smoking guns, gets paranoid, posts on the Dope. Total coinicidence. Nothing to worry about. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![CinnamonBabka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbce88/32.png) [@CinnamonBabka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CinnamonBabka)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2015, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/55 "2015-01-19T17:01:09Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Wrong. He was justified. He didn’t beat her, and kill her family. > Learn psychology before you make diagnoses. I’d hardly call my comment a diagnosis. Nevertheless, you know people can be psychotic and not beat/murder their families, right? ---
**Author:** ![Knucklefunger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Knucklefunger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knucklefunger)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2015, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/56 "2015-01-20T16:40:33Z")
Any updates? How are things? ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Kane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Kane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Kane)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2015, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/57 "2015-01-20T21:43:22Z")
Well with a few tiny details missing here and there she told me all about it of her own accord, I think she realised I was concerned. I’m still not 100% happy with the situation but I’m going to trust her as maybe my insecurities are the problem. As a poster on here said earlier, you’re either in a happy relationship or your not and so I think I’m going to give her more freedom to do what she wants - without judgement - and see what happens from there. It’s a shame that this had to happen as I now feel like the relationship is slightly tarnished but her explanation made sense to me and she gave that explanation without me even asking. I don’t know. The problem I now face is she wants to meet this guy and she doesn’t want me present. As I say, her explanation makes sense and I’m not actually worried about her cheating on me but surely meeting up with a guy on your own is not something your should do to your partner. ---
**Author:** ![Knucklefunger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Knucklefunger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knucklefunger)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/58 "2015-01-20T22:16:35Z")
Um I can see meeting up with an old friend and wanting to spend time hanging out together to catch up. My girlfriend has hung out with friends like that however, she has also considered me and introduced me to the people well in advance and we have all spent time together previously. Does your GF have a history of cheating? Trust is important. Have you asked her if she would be cool with you hanging out with a new friend your recently met on say FB? Just you and a new female friend alone? What if you were flying to a different city to meet some woman you met online? How would your GF be with that? Also, as far as the 4hr thing. Is your GF going to drive there? If so, is she planning on staying in that location overnight or driving back? Personally, I’m not especially comfortable with the idea of my GF meeting someone new, keeping in touch, especially with him expressing affectionate words and then her going off to meet him. If it were an old friend without romantic intentions fine. A friend is a friend. This doesn’t really sit well with me. Not that it matters. It’s about you two. My GF knew early on that most of my good friends are all women who I have never been involved with. I prefer women’s company. Better conversation. Please keep us posted. Hope all goes favourably with you and your lady. I really do, and pretty sure everyone here that has responded wishes you well also. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2015, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/59 "2015-01-20T22:57:34Z")
A girlfriend is just that…a girlfriend. You’re not married to each other. Most people that date don’t make vows of commitment for life to one another. If either of you want to browse the menu to see if there’s someone better out there, that’s your prerogative. There’s nothing unethical or shady about that. If you’ve both agreed to be monogamous, then sleeping with other people is off limits, but I assume if she were to do that, then you’d call it off anyway. I think this has been said upthread, if you don’t trust each other it’s over already. ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_blistering_barnacle/32/3386_2.png) [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Blistering_Barnacle)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2015, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645/60 "2015-01-21T02:39:09Z")
Just guessing, but I think Cinnamon Kane is personally very monogamous. I also think: CK was inspired by his instincts to snoop where otherwise he wouldn’t. There is evidence to support his instincts, but no smoking gun. He is doing his best to be noble and take the high road, especially since he feels his “guilt” has weakened his “bargaining position”, especially regarding trust issues. He has just “taken her back”, and he doesn’t want to be the one to “ruin” the relationship. –Maybe he may not have much experience initiating a breakup? –Maybe this is GF’s strategy for initiating a breakup? And I think GF will take advantage of all of this (intentionally or not). Sorry to join in with the Chorus of Doom. I hope things will work out for you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/id-love-some-relationship-advice-please-i-think-my-girlfriend-is-cheating/709645.md?page=4)