Idiotic Corporate Ethics Training

Most Corporate training programs are designed to meet two requirements;

On the Corporate side: Fulfill some internal or legal requirement for a certain amount or type of training. As long as the company can certify that you have indeed had your annual Sexual Harassment, MultiCultural Sensitivity, Fire Safety, Indentured Servitude Seminar, they don’t give a rats ass what the class actually entails.

On the Supplier side: Make as much money as possible with as little effort as possible. They also appear to have something of a sense of humor about who they send to teach such things, although I know the real reason is because those individuals have the greatest personal anger over such things.

Angry Racist Black Guy naturally teaches Multicultural Sensitivity or Race related classes. Hell, at the small ultraliberal college I used to work for, there was a big to-do about them hiring an Asian guy! for this position when it, by all rights, belonged to an African-American. The guy ended up quitting after a few weeks.

Moderately Attractive White Woman With Big Tits generally teaches the Sexual Harassment seminar, although there are times when it’s taught by Angry Unattractive Man Hating Shrew, who usually teaches the Women In The Workplace seminars.

Angry Control Freak With Personal Issues generally teaches the Anger Management or Violence in the Workplace seminars, although it’s sometimes taught by Timid Milktoast Afraid Of His/Her Own Shadow.

Clueless White Woman Who Teaches Classes is usually the one who runs traveling Computer Training seminars. Can’t tell you how many of these classes I was in as a programmer, wondering in amazement at the inefficiency of the real computer people training her, then sending her out to train me.

Team Building exercises usually seem to be taught by burned out elementary school teachers or by failed managers. At least it seems that way because they either treat us like children or like undesirable employees.

Obviously you learned nothing from that training. Scientists have proven that it is impossible for a Black man to be a racist.

I’m feeling kind of left out. All the corporate training sessions at my workplace are administered by the same relentlessly cheerful middle-aged white woman.

At least I think it’s the same woman. They’re kind of interchangeable in HR. At any rate, she has never let her professional demeanor slip at any of my questions, so she’s definitely worth whatever they’re paying her. She may also be on medication.

That would be Clueless White Woman Who Teaches Classes. She gets around. And she may well be on drugs due to all the different shit they expect her to teach, most of which she doesn’t completely understand.

The only person for whom Corporate Bullshit is a native tongue. She comes from the tiny country of Dumbfuckistan.

Is it just me or is “human resources” the most dehumanizing possible term that can be used to refer to people?

By any rational standard, it’d be perfectly ethical of the 18-looks-15 actress to engage in explicit lesbian-incest with the actress playing her mother (if she’s milfy-hot) across the breakfast-table.

Have we really slipped so far that this is even a question?

What gets me is that I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone clueless enough to actually fail one of the exams without trying.

Sure, there are racists, sexists, bigots, whatever in workplaces. Do any of them really believe their actions are acceptable? Does anyone believe for a moment that they don’t know which answer is the “right” one on the test?

Or maybe someone truly believes that one of these wastes of oxygen will experience a sudden epiphany and realize what an ass they really are.

Veteran of many seminars

I bet I have taken some of those classes. I love the insider trading classes I’ve taken.

Sure, I think i’ll buy some call options when I receive an email by mistake telling me company xyz will report record profits the following week.

Usually the unauthorized emails I receive tell me that the bathroom at an office 1500 miles away will be closed for an hour.

I recently completed my company’s mandatory ethics training…for the 20th time.

The week before, my area manager told me to “use discretion” when dealing with certain important clients.

Hmmmmm, business as usual. :dubious:

(snipped by me)

The woman who taught the last sexual harrasment seminar I attended went out with the group after work and got passed around like a party favor.

Ah, yes, you were there for my overlord’s presentation of Who Moved the Fucking Cheese? Where, due to a tragic convergence of PMS and Mercury Retrograde my BS deflector suffered a cascade failure- my evaluation read ‘the presenter has to die eight hours early so I can get this day back.’
Remember folks, Palm Pilots let you look like you’re taking notes whilst playing Insaniquarium!

Huh. Ours have run high to pudgy middle-aged white guys who are Very Earnest. Except for one pudgy middle-aged white guy who was INTENSE as well as Very Earnest. He kept telling us he was from New York. That was the sign to either check our shoes for cow flop or read along from the handouts, all of which were right there in his nifty powerpoint presentation. Or something. After 30 minutes everyone was narcoleptic.

Moderately Attractive White Woman With Big Tits must be getting tired of not getting any. After all, if you spend all day telling men they’re not supposed to even look at the women they work with, none of those guys are going to hit on you after the seminar is over!



Always worth a snicker: Terry Tate, Office Linebacker, and sensitivity training

Well I guess my company is on the leading edge in sensitivity because we no longer have “Human Resources”.

We now have (I swear I’m not making this up) “People Solutions”. I’m dying to ask them what the percntage of people is in their solution. Is it about 3 parts water to 1 part soylent green?

Like your people are a problem needing to be solved! Which, really, is how most companies big enough for a HR dep’t think of the minions.

To quote a Doper of days past:

(and if someone’s search-fu is better than mine, I’d love a link to it)

There we go. When I get rich and buy a company, I’ll be honest and forthright and call it The Department of Minion Management (DoMM).

Try to work another ‘O’ into that, Chimera! DooMM!

I’d love to see that at a chemical or pharmaceutical company.