# If a potential love interest has herpes do you move on? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 3, 2013, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239 "2013-10-03T01:54:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/1 "2013-10-03T01:54:24Z")
[Per this “Dear Prudence” article](http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_m_hurt_when_my_husband_turns_me_down_for_sex.html) a woman told a man who was attracted to her she had herpes and wanted to “take things slow” and he effectively (she says) ran away. I’ve never dated someone with herpes but it seems like kind of a high risk venture to be physical with someone who does. Is herpes a deal killer for you in relationships? > [@](#): > > Q. Herpes! Yes, that fun thing. I think I made the mistake of telling someone too soon, instead of saying we should slow things down and get to know each other better first before hopping into bed, because he definitely ran away. But I felt like we were extremely well-matched and I’m trying to restrain the urge to reach out to him again, even though he said “my feelings have changed and I think of you as a friend.” It’s only been a week, so I know it’s way too soon. But would it be worth the effort after a few months, if he never comes around before that? > > A: If you contact him about resuming your romance, he’ll probably start running, so you really don’t want to contemplate sending up a flare that says, “Come on, it’s only herpes!” There are lots of possible reactions and it would have been great if he’d said, “OK, I need to find out more about this and what my risks would be. I appreciate your telling me. Actually, it’s a good idea to slow things down before getting into bed.” But he didn’t. Instead he broke a world record in the 100-meter dash. Yes, he dashed your hopes, but you both found out something important about each other, so now you each can find someone better for you. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/2 "2013-10-03T02:22:27Z")
Did for me. If I had loved him, I would have figured out the safety measures and married him as he wanted. But since I didn’t feel love or even overpowering lust: I bolted. Later made platonic friends with him and he confessed that many women had broken up with him before physical intimacy. One hell of a litmus test, but an honest one. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/3 "2013-10-03T02:30:25Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > Did for me. If I had loved him, I would have figured out the safety measures and married him as he wanted. But since I didn’t feel love or even overpowering lust: I bolted. I’d say that your lack of feelings and/or attraction to this man were the main determining factors in causing you to bolt and that the herpes revelation served mostly as a timely motivator. What if you had been overwhelmingly attracted to him prior to his admission? Would you have behaved differently? ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/4 "2013-10-03T02:34:03Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I’d say that your lack of feelings and/or attraction to this man were the main determining factors in causing you to bolt and that the herpes revelation served mostly as a timely motivator. What if you had been overwhelmingly attracted to him prior to his admission? Would you have behaved differently? If I’d loved him, I’d have risked my health for him. Thought I was clear about that ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/5 "2013-10-03T02:49:39Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > If I’d loved him, I’d have risked my health for him. Thought I was clear about that I didn’t realize love and attraction were synonymous for you. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/6 "2013-10-03T02:57:19Z")
I don’t have it but 25% of sexually active adults do so it’s quite common. From what I understand, the longer you have it the less often outbreaks occur and you can go months or years without one. Since you’re only contagious during an outbreak, it’s easy to avoid passing it along to your partner. I guess I’m saying that it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me if I were single and dating. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/7 "2013-10-03T03:18:56Z")
Not a deal breaker here as long as s/he is cool with the precautions I’d want us to take to try to reduce transmission. My stepmom has it (oral), and neither my dad nor any of us kids got it. I’m pretty well versed in the best ways to avoid getting it from growing up in a house with Don’t Touch The Blue Towels and other herpes related rules. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/8 "2013-10-03T04:00:18Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > I don’t have it but 25% of sexually active adults do It’s funny how this statistic always gets brought out by posters who never, ever seem to have the virus themselves. 😉 It’s almost as if people are scared to just simply point out the fact that it’s a common malady, for fear that others will think _they_ are stricken with it as well. ---
**Author:** ![nosceteipsum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8797f3/32.png) [@nosceteipsum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nosceteipsum)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/9 "2013-10-03T04:03:58Z")
well said, we know love can make us into a greater fool, that is, succeed in the face of adversity. ---
**Author:** ![Truman\_Burbank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@Truman\_Burbank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truman_Burbank)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/10 "2013-10-03T07:52:00Z")
Yeah, it pretty much killed the deal for me, once. I finally got to date a friend I’d had a crush on since HS. Now it was about 10 yrs later, and when she told me it did alter the way I felt. Maybe that would have happened anyway, but I was really confronted with how many other guys she’d picked over the years when she could have been with me. ---
**Author:** ![Mrmanface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mrmanface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrmanface)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/11 "2013-10-03T11:09:37Z")
Herpies doesn’t matter. Most people have it anyway. The only time it matters is if you get the rash but the only way to be safe would be to never have sex and become a nun. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/12 "2013-10-03T11:46:40Z")
> [@Truman\_Burbank](#): > > Yeah, it pretty much killed the deal for me, once. I finally got to date a friend I’d had a crush on since HS. Now it was about 10 yrs later, and when she told me it did alter the way I felt. Maybe that would have happened anyway, but I was really confronted with how many other guys she’d picked over the years when she could have been with me. You do realize she could have been with only one other guy all those years and still ended up with herpes? ---
**Author:** ![Amblydoper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/fbc32d/32.png) [@Amblydoper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amblydoper)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/13 "2013-10-03T12:20:02Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > You do realize she could have been with only one other guy all those years and still ended up with herpes? Or Zero. You can get it from your parent. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/14 "2013-10-03T12:42:53Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > I don’t have it but 25% of sexually active adults do so it’s quite common. From what I understand, the longer you have it the less often outbreaks occur and you can go months or years without one. Since you’re only contagious during an outbreak, it’s easy to avoid passing it along to your partner. By far the worst part of the disease is the social stigma. And yet if you are dating someone who is honest enough to tell you (compared to all the people you’ve slept with who had it and didn`t even know), it’s hard not to think “what if I get it, it doesn’t work out with this person, and then I have to awkwardly tell everyone for the rest of my life, just like I’m being told right now?” How many people would refuse to date someone who occasionally got cold sores? I don’t think many, but you can have either type of herpes virus on your mouth or genitals. One type is simply much more common on the mouth and the other much more common on the genitals. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/15 "2013-10-03T12:55:21Z")
Bob, actually you can be contagious without symptoms. It’s called asymptomatic viral shedding. Oral herpes “sheds” without symptoms as well. ---
**Author:** ![Truman\_Burbank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@Truman\_Burbank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truman_Burbank)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/16 "2013-10-03T13:08:18Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > You do realize she could have been with only one other guy all those years and still ended up with herpes? Could have, but wasn’t. She was honest about her history, and we’d been friends, so I had some awareness of her love life through the years. I’m certainly not trying to defend myself, but the spark wasn’t there when we finally did get together, and the herpes was part of it. It…_inhibited_ me. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/17 "2013-10-03T13:19:42Z")
> [@Truman\_Burbank](#): > > Maybe that would have happened anyway, but I was really confronted with how many other guys she’d picked over the years when she could have been with me. My goodness. I certainly didn’t consider my potential partner’s personal history which was none of my business. I just didn’t want to get sick. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/18 "2013-10-03T13:58:42Z")
Yes it would be a dealbreaker. I’m just not interested in worrying about taking extra precautions or worrying about someone’s outbreaks. I don’t care how common it is, I don’t want it. I have enough issues with sex as it is. Why is it that some people feel the need to act like those who want to avoid it are being the ridiculous ones? Like oh it’s no big deal, just a rash sometimes, and lots of people have it anyway! I don’t care. I’d rather be alone. I’d rather be alone anyway so it’s not that much of a stretch for me, but still, if I did have a potential, I would no longer be interested if he told me he had herpes. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/19 "2013-10-03T14:01:55Z")
> [@Amblydoper](#): > > Or Zero. You can get it from your parent. Which is another good reason not to want a lover with herpes. I wouldn’t want to risk exposing my kid to it either. ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/20 "2013-10-03T14:41:18Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > Which is another good reason not to want a lover with herpes. I wouldn’t want to risk exposing my kid to it either. :rolleyes: [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239.md?page=2)