# If a potential love interest has herpes do you move on? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 3, 2013, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239 "2013-10-03T01:54:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/41 "2013-10-03T19:10:00Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Let me rephrase my original statement… I do not have genital herpes (Type HSV 1). Most of the time, when somebody is talking about herpes this is what they’re referring to, of course. I think the point was- why are genital herpes considered so much worse than regular cold sores? In other words, would anyone ever ask the question “If someone had cold sores would you move on?”. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/42 "2013-10-03T19:23:03Z")
When I was diagnosed recently the Dr expalined I had the variety usually associated with cold sores, I thought it was type 1 but may be type 2. I asked if that was less serious than the regular genital herpes and he said thier was basicaly little difference. If I had the cold sore variety on my genitals then I still had herpes. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/43 "2013-10-03T19:28:05Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > Not a dealbreaker if it was someone I loved. How would you know them well enough to have them become a loved one without having this become known beforehand? ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/44 "2013-10-03T19:28:16Z")
No, I would not reject someone on that basis. I married someone with herpes. Now I have it myself. I love her - it was worth it. I mean, every so often I get a spot on my pee-pee. I’m an adult, I can deal with that. Far worse things have happened to me in 41 years. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/45 "2013-10-03T19:31:55Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > If I had the cold sore variety on my genitals then I still had herpes. “No, no baby, that’s just a _cold sore_.” 🆒 Nothing to see here! ---
**Author:** ![fifty-six](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@fifty-six](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fifty-six)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/46 "2013-10-03T19:39:03Z")
I have no reason to believe I have herpes and sure do not want it. I also believe many people have it and choose not to tell a prospective partner. If someone tells me they do not have herpes they could be lying or just not know. I could still get it. If they tell me beforehand I will give them mega credit for making a tough decision that chases many people away. I would consider the potential parter an honest person that can handle life’s hard times. Face fears. I would be better able to protect myself than with a person who lied or did not know. They would pro ally be honest about other areas of their life as well. So for me it would probally be a deal maker. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/47 "2013-10-03T19:45:44Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > “No, no baby, that’s just a _cold sore_.” 🆒 Nothing to see here! I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard that, even when they knew full well that a cold sore IS herpes. Now that level of dishonesty and duplicity _is_ a dealbreaker, and a total turn off. It has nothing to do with the herpes, and everything to do with someone willing to lie to me and put my health at risk so s/he can get laid. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/48 "2013-10-03T19:48:57Z")
Something else I wanted to add but was a little embarrassed. Since I have gotten older I sometimeire a bit more stimulation to finish, it seems like the virus only acts up when she rubs a little raw spot while hepling me along manually, I might be wrong on this but it does seem to be the case. ---
**Author:** ![Dunkelheit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dunkelheit/32/248_2.png) [@Dunkelheit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunkelheit)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/49 "2013-10-03T19:58:23Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Let me rephrase my original statement… I do not have genital herpes (Type HSV 1). Most of the time, when somebody is talking about herpes this is what they’re referring to, of course. Genital is Type II, oral is Type I. But since they share 50% of their DNA, I don’t know how much real difference there is. As far as I know, the oral type is a bit more aggressive, and easier to transmit down south than to transmit the pants variety to the lip. But I’ve heard of it going both ways. ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/50 "2013-10-03T20:18:35Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > I don’t have it but 25% of sexually active adults do so it’s quite common. From what I understand, the longer you have it the less often outbreaks occur and you can go months or years without one. Since you’re only contagious during an outbreak, it’s easy to avoid passing it along to your partner. > > I guess I’m saying that it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me if I were single and dating. This is incorrect. I don’t even know if your 25% is accurate but telling people that you aren’t going to catch herpes if the person they are with is not in an active outbreak is flat out wrong. Do your research, and look up viral shedding before you post something so wrong about something that’s so important > [@astro](#): > > [Per this “Dear Prudence” article](http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/10/dear_prudence_i_m_hurt_when_my_husband_turns_me_down_for_sex.html) a woman told a man who was attracted to her she had herpes and wanted to “take things slow” and he effectively (she says) ran away. > > I’ve never dated someone with herpes but it seems like kind of a high risk venture to be physical with someone who does. > > > [@](#): > > > > Q. Herpes! Yes, that fun thing. I think I made the mistake of telling someone too soon, instead of saying we should slow things down and get to know each other better first before hopping into bed, because he definitely ran away. But I felt like we were extremely well-matched and I’m trying to restrain the urge to reach out to him again, even though he said “my feelings have changed and I think of you as a friend.” It’s only been a week, so I know it’s way too soon. But would it be worth the effort after a few months, if he never comes around before that? > > > > A: If you contact him about resuming your romance, he’ll probably start running, so you really don’t want to contemplate sending up a flare that says, “Come on, it’s only herpes!” There are lots of possible reactions and it would have been great if he’d said, “OK, I need to find out more about this and what my risks would be. I appreciate your telling me. Actually, it’s a good idea to slow things down before getting into bed.” But he didn’t. Instead he broke a world record in the 100-meter dash. Yes, he dashed your hopes, but you both found out something important about each other, so now you each can find someone better for you. This advice column is interesting. I can tell you that the advice given does NOT work, and I’m speaking from personal experience. In fact, I handled it EXACTLY the way that’s suggested, right down to the “OK, I need to find out more about this and what my risks would be. I appreciate your telling me.” That is almost a verbatim quote from me to a woman who just told me she had genital herpes. So, I did just that, and told her two days later that it was ok with me as long as we took the proper precautions. But when I told her what I had decided, it was too late for her. Basically, she told me that when I told her that I needed to find out more about it, she considered that a rejection, and she was so hurt, she decided the relationship was over. That was ok with me, though. I didn’t want to catch herpes from a casual sexual partner, and if she and I couldn’t get beyond this small hurdle, there probably wasn’t any real future for us. > [@Mrmanface](#): > > Herpies doesn’t matter. Most people have it anyway. The only time it matters is if you get the rash but the only way to be safe would be to never have sex and become a nun. Who are you having sex with? Most people do NOT have it. I’m only referring to oral herpes and genital herpes, now… But I do not have either one of these unless I do and it is dormant. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/51 "2013-10-03T20:26:07Z")
> [@Dunkelheit](#): > > Genital is Type II, oral is Type I. Both types can cause similar lesions anywhere on the body - face, lips, mouth, fingers and toes, genitalia. ---
**Author:** ![Dunkelheit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dunkelheit/32/248_2.png) [@Dunkelheit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunkelheit)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/52 "2013-10-03T20:32:58Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > Both types can cause similar lesions anywhere on the body - face, lips, mouth, fingers and toes, genitalia. This is true, but typically Type I is oral, and Type II is genital. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/53 "2013-10-03T20:53:38Z")
> [@Dunkelheit](#): > > Genital is Type II, oral is Type I. No, this is not true. Either HSV1 or HSV2 can and are found in both spots, or in the digestive tract or in the respiratory tract or even in the brain (this is…not good.) This is not new news, and I have no idea why it’s taking so long to get it into the public consciousness. Here’s a news report debunking the distinction, [published nearly 30 years ago, in 1984.](http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1876&dat=19841215&id=JUssAAAAIBAJ&sjid=xc4EAAAAIBAJ&pg=6050,4956754) While oral herpes are still more likely to be HSV1, genital herpes are now up to [50% HVS1](http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/28/can-oral-sex-spread-herpes/?_r=0). The distinction is now entirely useless unless you’re doing research into DNA. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/54 "2013-10-03T21:08:29Z")
I’ve literally never even thought to mention to a prospective partner that I have herpes. It’s literally something I almost never think about, and something so many people have, it seems silly that it would matter to anyone. Can someone who is against dating someone with herpes please clarify my earlier question? Would you stop dating or refuse to date someone who only had herpes outbreaks on their nose/mouth and never on their genitals? Or is any coldsore anywhere good enough reason for you to break it off? I really would like someone to answer me here. I get a coldsore on my lips and inside my nose maybe 4 or 5 times a year, they last a few days and then go away. I’ve never had an outbreak on my genitals. Who here would be driven away from dating me based on that fact alone? That’s what I’m asking. ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/55 "2013-10-03T21:08:49Z")
So if a woman is about to engage in oral sex with a man, and she carries the Herpes 1 virus, is she obligated to tell him, or should he be the one to ask? In other words, who is it onus upon to tell/ask? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/56 "2013-10-03T21:15:30Z")
Personally, I think the onus is on the person with the disease to tell. Legally, the onus is on the person with the disease to tell. [More](http://abcnews.go.com/US/california-court-upholds-67-million-award-herpes-lawsuit/story?id=13159756)than one [person](http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/michael-vick-hit-sex-suit)has been [successfully sued](http://gawker.com/rich-guy-sued-for-allegedly-gifting-herpes-to-soho-mode-1171756652) for large sums of money for giving their partner herpes without telling them. Yes, **drewtwo99** , this includes you. Recurrent cold sores are HSV. Herpes. You have herpes. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/57 "2013-10-03T21:23:57Z")
Thanks for answering my question WhyNot. What part of my post made you feel like I was denying that I had herpes, or that you needed to reiterate several times that I have it? I am aware I have herpes. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/58 "2013-10-03T21:28:42Z")
> [@Little\_Bird](#): > > I’ve just found out I have it. Had it for 3 years as it turns out, it’s just mild enough that I didn’t realize what was going on until recently. It’s NBD you guys. Some of you might even have it and not know it. It may be NBD but I’d still prefer to continue to not have it. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/59 "2013-10-03T21:29:04Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Does having gotten chicken pox as an adult or child qualify as “having herpes”? “Chirpes”, the chicken pox gives you chirpes. Similarly undesirable and a whole lot harder to hide from your partner. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2013, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239/60 "2013-10-03T21:30:39Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > How would you know them well enough to have them become a loved one without having this become known beforehand? Ugh, badly stated yes. In other words, if the guy was someone I \*could \*see myself falling in love with. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-a-potential-love-interest-has-herpes-do-you-move-on/670239.md?page=4)