# If America were a "nuclear family." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 10, 2011, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761 "2011-12-10T19:32:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2011, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/1 "2011-12-10T19:32:01Z")
\*\*Dad’s the Republican. Mom’s the Democrat. They both work, but Dad makes 150k a year, and Mom makes 45k. They have 14 kids, 7 girls and 7 boys. The kid’s ages range from 3 to 17 years old. Some of their kids have faith, some don’t. Some kids earn their own money, some don’t. A few are gay, and due to circumstances not under their control, they had to adopt a 4 children from another ethnicity than their own. One of the kids, has Leukemia. Another child has schizophrenia. They also have a dog named Larry.\*\* _If this house were symbolic of modern day America, what would the living arrangements be like, IYHO?_ Serious and funny comments welcome. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2011, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/2 "2011-12-10T21:20:59Z")
Well, dad and mom aren’t currently speaking. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/3 "2011-12-10T21:29:41Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Well, dad and mom aren’t currently speaking. We’re all avoiding the d-word but we’re getting anxious. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2011, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/4 "2011-12-10T21:32:11Z")
> [@cmyk](#): > > They have 14 kids, 7 girls and 7 boys. One boy and one girl are black. Democrat Mom loves them just like all her other kids but Republican Dad seems awkward and distant towards them. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2011, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/5 "2011-12-10T21:39:55Z")
And what about Uncle Libby and all the other weird relatives? Nobody ever talks about them. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2011, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/6 "2011-12-10T21:47:04Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > One boy and one girl are black. Democrat Mom loves them just like all her other kids but Republican Dad seems awkward and distant towards them. One of the black kids is Jewish. Ever year, the two of them fight over if the family candles should go into the menorah or kinara. One of the kids is also a libertarian. He resents the authority of his parents, and charges his siblings a service fee every time one of them asks to pass the mashed potatoes. He also happens to be the kid with schizophrenia. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2011, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/7 "2011-12-10T23:41:59Z")
Good stuff. That was gold, **monstro.** ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2011, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/8 "2011-12-10T23:55:12Z")
Despite (or perhaps because of) their Xbox 360 with Kinex, a PS3, a 52" flat screen, a laptop for every kid (except Kyle, the libertarian… He’ll have to get his own. He’s got a long wait since his siblings are going the the long way to pass the potatoes), the medical bills and the money mom keeps donating toward leukemia research and handing out $20 to every homeless crackhead she passes, and all the guns and ammo dad keeps charging because his paranoia about perceived threats from his neighbors gets far worse (and frankly, Kyle scares the shit out of him); they’re in debt about 12 trillion dollars. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/9 "2011-12-11T10:26:24Z")
> [@cmyk](#): > > they’re in debt about 12 trillion dollars. But Dad has a plan. If he lowers his income enough, he’s sure that debt will disappear. ---
**Author:** ![USCDiver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uscdiver/32/354_2.png) [@USCDiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/USCDiver)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/10 "2011-12-11T13:19:29Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > But Dad has a plan. If he lowers his income enough, he’s sure that debt will disappear. Actually, the plan is that if he lowers his income enough, the older kids will start hiring the younger kids to do their chores and they’ll contribute more to the family’s overall income. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/11 "2011-12-11T15:10:53Z")
> [@USCDiver](#): > > Actually, the plan is that if he lowers his income enough, the older kids will start hiring the younger kids to do their chores and they’ll contribute more to the family’s overall income. That’s until mom whispers into her young kid’s ears and they unionize. She also wants to cut everyone’s allowance, and hedge that money toward paying down the debt, and also buying a solar roof to get them off the grid, which will save money in the long run. But this’ll eat into Dad’s video game budget, and if can’t afford Call of Duty 6: Scorched Earth; then he’s going to raise everyone’s allowance, knowing his kids will buy it for him on or before his birthday. He gets away with this by withholding sex from mom and watching porn. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/12 "2011-12-11T16:30:15Z")
There are three Mexican kids secretly living in the basement. Dad keeps threatening to lock the basement door so they can’t get in anymore. But since the Mexican kids do all the housecleaning and yard work, which the family’s own kids don’t want to do, somehow the basement window still ends up being left unlatched. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/13 "2011-12-11T16:31:31Z")
> [@cmyk](#): > > But this’ll eat into Dad’s video game budget, and if can’t afford Call of Duty 6: Scorched Earth; then he’s going to raise everyone’s allowance, knowing his kids will buy it for him on or before his birthday. He gets away with this by withholding sex from mom and watching porn. But that’s okay, 'cuz Mom is having gay-sex with the next-door neighbor. Dad says that homosexuality is wrong, but he secretively knows about his wife’s affair and actually watches them on security camera. He’s got the house under surveillance, including wire taps on all the phones. He constantly feels under threat. The hot lesbian sex show, however, takes the edge off. But he just hopes no one dares to look at his internet history. Also, the mother is giving sanctuary to some undocumented children in the garage. She’s spending a little too much money taking them to the dentist and teaching them piano lessons, but Dad doesn’t mind it too much. When she’s not looking, he has them washing his car and mowing the grass. The other kids are glad because this frees them to do more important things with their spare time. They all want to go to college and have “real” jobs. That’s why they all plan to major in international relations. Except for Kyle. He wants to make his living building private roads that electronically bill you for every mile you drive. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/14 "2011-12-11T18:26:55Z")
This is one fucked up household. I must know more. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/15 "2011-12-11T18:33:48Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > But he just hopes no one dares to look at his internet history. Kyle just leaked his history on wiki leaks, and dad is now in danger of loosing his deacon position at his church (where he skims _just a little_ off the tithing). Kyle knows not what he hath done! ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2011, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/16 "2011-12-11T18:40:18Z")
Nuclear meltdown. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/17 "2011-12-12T00:49:08Z")
And Cartman is gonna kill Kenny any minute now. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2011, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-america-were-a-nuclear-family/605761/18 "2011-12-12T01:25:11Z")
13 of the kids, 10 of the direct family members and two of undocumented basement dwellers go to the local school district, where it doesn’t matter that the Mexican children only speak Spanish, because all of the teachers are functionally illiterate. Except for Mr. Sam, the 10th grade biology teacher, who can read on a second grade level. Kyle is home schooled, which mostly consists of his using his siblings’ laptops to research unfeasible projects on line, and to argue both sides of issues in forums. Three of the children, all boys, are enrolled in a charter school, but the mother picks them up at lunch and makes them return to the local school, where the tenth grader earns pocket money by tutoring Mr. Sam on the side.