Dogs and cats can, in fact, communicate almost all of that to attentive owners - well, not the shit-eating comment. 
I know when my cat wants food, outside, playing, rubs, etc. She “tells” me with a combo of vocalizations and body language.
They idea that you can compare the intelligence level of any animal to a human of a certain age is bunk. They have difference skills, and at best you can compare those individual skills to the skill level of a certain aged human. But you’re going to find that most animals have some skills that humans don’t have, and so you’ll end up also saying that an adult human has the skill level of, for example, a 3-month old chimp in some areas.
Don’t assume that we are the pinnacle of intelligence across the board. One example:
Flash a grid of numbers on the screen briefly (as in, less than a second), where the order of the numbers is scrambled. Now, try and tap the grid cells in order of the numbers that were contained in that cell. Chimps vastly outperform adult humans on this skill.
I read a book once (I forget the title) where the person can communicate with dogs. Every time she’s sad the dog brings her his ball and goes “Here. Throw this. You’ll feel better.” Then they have a conversation between throwing and fetching the ball.
All I know is that my dog would be really annoying on runs if she could talk. “Mom look there’s a squirrel. Mom - a squirrel. Mom there’s a squirrel … MOM LET ME CHASE THE FUCKING SQUIRREL!”
If our cat could speak, 90% of his speech would consist of “It’s time to eat, right?”, and “I have a TOOOOOOY in my mouth!”
If animals could talk, 80% of it would be asking for food and more food, and they’d be totally okay if that was the extent of their vocab, lol.
This goes for the birds, cats, and dogs I’ve had experience with. They communicate this well enough, without being able to speak using words.
Jezabel would tell me it is time for more treats, she can see the pouch of hairball treats … alternately to go the hell away and let her sleep, or to open the drapes to create a warm sunny spot for her to sleep in.
Article from CNN, not April Fool’s Day, that claims some Scandinavians are claiming they can translate dog brain waves to words.
I’m highly skeptical, and have not watched the video, but thought it was relevant to the discussion. On the plus side, at least it translates dog to English. English should be the universal language of dogs.
They’d say, “Let’s do it, baby” and “Get off my lawn!”
That’s interesting, are you aware of any other examples like that?
If animals could talk, they’d always be talkin’ smack about all the other species.