# If anyone tells me what to do with my butt... **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185 "2001-09-17T16:19:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/1 "2001-09-17T16:19:27Z")
I am amazed at how some of the Pit threads are devolving into a weird sort of patriotic proctology. Even very innocent rants are turning into lynch-mob riots full of people astonishingly interested in what other people do with their anuses. The hyper-patriotism is understandable, though possibly dangerous and absolutely tiresome. And the suggestions of what people do with their rectal areas shows a real lack of imagination and tact. Example: Post #1: I had Corn Flakes for breakfast today. Post #2: **poster1** , we are in a national crisis now, how the fuck dare you be concerned with your breakfast? Post #3: **poster1** is obviosly a self absorbed fucknut who has no concern about American corn growers. I suggest he shove those cornflakes up his ass. Post #4: USA! USA! Post #5: I suppose that those workers at ground zero didn’t deserve a breakfast? **poster1** you selfish ass! Why don’t you stick it up your ass? Ass ass ass. Post #6: You rectal fuck bomb. Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt. I know I will get flamed for this. I know I will be accused of being anti-American. But while reading your responses, I’m keeping my ass to the wall, thank you very much. ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/2 "2001-09-17T16:22:35Z")
Well, you can’t tell a poster to “shove it up his cunt” because half the posters out there don’t have one, and the ones without 'em would just retort, “Hah, fooled you, haven’t got one, neener neener!” But everybody has an ass. It’s just a question of common sense. ---
**Author:** ![Legomancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/3 "2001-09-17T16:23:13Z")
Yeah? Well take your ass and cram it up your… …um… “Hey look! A zeppelin!” (points, runs) ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/4 "2001-09-17T16:23:15Z")
I wouldn’t suggest you do anything with your butt. I mean how can you with your head so far up it? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/5 "2001-09-17T18:26:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tdn \* > Post #5: I suppose that those workers at ground zero didn’t deserve a breakfast? **poster1** you selfish ass! Why don’t you stick it up your ass? Ass ass ass. > > Post #6: You rectal fuck bomb. Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt. Laughed so hard me I’m crying. The guy next to me was clutching him stomache . . . I **wish** I could make this my sig. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/6 "2001-09-17T18:57:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tdn \* > \*\*Even very innocent rants are turning into lynch-mob riots full of people astonishingly interested in what other people do with their anuses. \*\* Listen butthead, why don’t you go get a sewer pipe prostate probe, you crusty cornholed, pucker sucking, sphincter face? > [@](#): > > _Prinally posted by iampunha_\*\* > Laughed so hard me I’m crying. The guy next to me was clutching him stomache . . . \*\* I laughed pretty hard at this. It must’ve been pretty funny if it had you typing like that. ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/7 "2001-09-18T02:57:41Z")
I think **Patriotic Proctology** would make a hell of a good band name. And anyone who disagrees can blow it out their ass. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/8 "2001-09-18T03:30:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \* > **Well, you can’t tell a poster to “shove it up his cunt”…** Was the gender confusion on purpose? “Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt” Hehe! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/9 "2001-09-18T03:33:41Z")
I dunno, I recently read a book where someone told a guy to pound a bunch of sand up his ass. Since then, I’ve been sneaking “pound that up your ass” into most conversations. I’m not very original, and I have a childish sense of humor. Give me an immature phrase that hits me the right way, and I’ll drive it right into the ground. This accounts for my contributions to the ass-obsession of the pit lately. ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/10 "2001-09-18T04:16:09Z")
> [@](#): > > Give me an immature phrase that hits me the right way, and I’ll drive it right into the ground. **You great big damn HELL!** Well, it amused the shit outta my weird friends in college, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/11 "2001-09-18T04:21:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \* > **But everybody has an ass.** Don’t we have more universal holes in which to stuff? I haven’t taken stock recently, so I’m not absolutely sure. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/12 "2001-09-18T04:36:50Z")
> [@](#): > > Don’t we have more universal holes in which to stuff? Yeah, but “cram it up your nose” just doesn’t have the same impact. “Shove it in your navel” has the same problem as a reference to the vagina–some people are “outies”. Having your head down your own mouth is anatomically impossible. Well, so is having your head up your own ass, but the impossibility of having your head down your own mouth is deeper somehow–it’s _geometrically_ impossible, not just really, really improbable and likely fatal. And everyone knows “Stick it in your ear!” is just a euphemism for you-know-where. Actually, I was kind of hoping this would be another Fred Phelps-bashing thread. ---
**Author:** ![They\_Call\_Me\_Sneeze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@They\_Call\_Me\_Sneeze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/They_Call_Me_Sneeze)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/13 "2001-09-18T06:29:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tdn \* > \*\* > > Post #4: USA! USA! > > \*\* As great a scene I get in my head from your scene, tdn, _this_ is the one is going to get me for a while to come. The timing of poster number four’s appearance, the essence of what he added to the pretendpost - comic brilliance. I think it’s the funniest thing I have ever read on the boards, and definitly the funniest thing in the pit ---
**Author:** ![k.os](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e0b2c6/32.png) [@k.os](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k.os)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/14 "2001-09-18T06:58:26Z")
The way I see it, when people get on edge, they become more primal. You know how monkeys insult one another? By slinging shit at one another. Anyone asking me for a cite on this can look it up their ass. There. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/15 "2001-09-18T07:13:06Z")
And I think “The Universal Holes” would be a great name for a rock band. Doesn’t Jarbaby have a list around here somewhere? ---
**Author:** ![Nenya\_Elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ea5d25/32.png) [@Nenya\_Elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nenya_Elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/16 "2001-09-18T07:58:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tdn \* > \*\* > Post #6: You rectal fuck bomb. \*\* Hah! Ha ha ha he he phrht (spitting drink out nose) clunk (falling off chair) hehehehe! 😃 Well, OK, it’s one in the morning here, and all pretense of rational/civilised thought has pretty much flown the coop, but I gotta say, that’s an example of superior creative invective if I ever saw one… And a good point in general, OP. ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/17 "2001-09-18T11:22:03Z")
> [@](#): > > Post #6: You rectal fuck bomb. Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt. Hey! Get that moped outa here! b. ---
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/18 "2001-09-18T11:41:13Z")
Oh, wait, I get it… you are like my female cat… you fling yourself down on the floor and expose your belly only to RIP the SHIT out of any hand that comes your way… You wank! I won’t offer up my hand… but I might offer my heart… just ask me nice. And get your hand off my ass… ---
**Author:** ![Tattva](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@Tattva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tattva)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/19 "2001-09-18T18:46:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MEBuckner \* > \*\*“Shove it in your navel” has the same problem as a reference to the vagina–some people are “outies”. \*\* Dude, there are people with outie vaginas!!! Freaky… ---
**Author:** ![k.os](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e0b2c6/32.png) [@k.os](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k.os)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185/20 "2001-09-18T19:44:53Z")
Yeah, they call them dicks! Hell, I’d be insulted if someone told me to stick something up my cock. Ouch! :eek::(:eek: [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-anyone-tells-me-what-to-do-with-my-butt/82185.md?page=2)