# "If apples and oranges were razor blades, you could shave with a fruit salad" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 16, 2024, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366 "2024-09-16T20:36:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![GoodZuckerbergs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba8739/32.png) [@GoodZuckerbergs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GoodZuckerbergs)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/1 "2024-09-16T20:36:46Z")
This is an expression someone said to me in May 2007, an expression that basically meant “Yeah, if \_\_\_ was the case then \_\_\_ would be the case.” I just Googled it today- nothing. Here’s the weirdest part: if you put “shave with a fruit salad” in quotes and search you get [one result](https://www.google.com/search?q=%22shave+with+a+fruit+salad%22&sca_esv=2f2828b3b0e1cf18&sca_upv=1&rlz=1C1GCCB_enUS1128US1128&biw=1920&bih=953&ei=4YzoZoqrNsri5NoPyvK16QE&ved=0ahUKEwjKn8f9nsiIAxVKMVkFHUp5LR0Q4dUDCBA&uact=5&oq=%22shave+with+a+fruit+salad%22&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiGiJzaGF2ZSB3aXRoIGEgZnJ1aXQgc2FsYWQiMgUQIRigATIFECEYoAEyBRAhGKABMgUQIRigATIFECEYoAFIvydQsRFYwyFwAXgAkAEAmAFFoAGyAaoBATO4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgSgAsQBwgIOEAAYgAQYsAMYhgMYigXCAgsQABiABBiwAxiiBMICCBAAGIAEGKIEwgIFECEYqwKYAwCIBgGQBgmSBwE0oAfVDQ&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)- and it’s for a pdf document discussing f\*%# Ayn Rand. I made a free account for that pdf site just to look at that pdf document- but in the document, I can’t find the part that says “shave with a fruit salad”- control F doesn’t find it, it’s obviously not part of the pdf. Can anyone help? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/2 "2024-09-16T20:56:03Z")
Try [here](https://archive.org/stream/leonard-peikoff-objectivism-the-philosophy-of-a-book-fi.org/%5BLeonard_Peikoff%5D_Objectivism_the_philosophy_of_A%28BookFi.org%29_djvu.txt), I found this: > If I declare: “Apples are razors and oranges are blades; therefore, one can shave with fruit salad,” this is not a process of cognition at all;…" ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/3 "2024-09-16T20:58:17Z")
And because this thread reminded me of a clip I haven’t seen in a long time… [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/A-RfHC91Ewc/maxresdefault.jpg "Gino D'Acampo "If my Grandmother had wheels she would have been a bike" -18th May 2010") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-RfHC91Ewc) ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/4 "2024-09-16T21:15:52Z")
Scotty, Star Trek Scotty…said “If my Grandma had wheels, she’d be a wagon” ---
**Author:** ![Quondam\_Mechanic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quondam_mechanic/32/3404_2.png) [@Quondam\_Mechanic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quondam_Mechanic)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/5 "2024-09-16T21:24:29Z")
All from an old Yiddish joke – the version I heard was, “if my grandmother had balls and a prick, she’d be my grandfather.” ---
**Author:** ![Jaycat.again](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat.again/32/11525_2.png) [@Jaycat.again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaycat.again)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/6 "2024-09-16T21:52:44Z")
If my grandmother had a hood ornament, she’d be an Oldsmobile. ---
**Author:** ![markn\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@markn\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markn_1)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/7 "2024-09-16T21:58:08Z")
“[If wishes were horses, beggars would ride](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_wishes_were_horses,_beggars_would_ride)” dates to 1628 at the latest. There must be a great number of variations on this theme. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/8 "2024-09-16T22:50:42Z")
“If heartaches were commercials, we’d all be on TV” - John Prine “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts then we’d all have a merry Christmas” - Sheldon Cooper ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/9 "2024-09-16T22:53:51Z")
“If you call a calf’s tail a leg, how many legs does a calf have? Four, because a tail isn’t a leg.” Abraham Lincoln ---
**Author:** ![Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/q.q.switcheroo/32/5713_2.png) [@Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.Q.Switcheroo)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/10 "2024-09-16T23:41:24Z")
If a frog had wings, it wouldn’t bump its ass when it hopped. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2024, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/11 "2024-09-16T23:45:50Z")
“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know.” ― Groucho Marx ---
**Author:** ![Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/q.q.switcheroo/32/5713_2.png) [@Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.Q.Switcheroo)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/12 "2024-09-17T00:09:56Z")
> [@markn\_1](#): > > “[If wishes were horses, beggars would ride](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_wishes_were_horses,_beggars_would_ride)” dates to 1628 at the latest. There must be a great number of variations on this theme. “If wishes were horses, the antecedent of this conditional would be true.” - Douglas Hofstadter ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/13 "2024-09-17T05:31:00Z")
A sort of variant would be my mother’s (I suspect from her mother) “If we had some ham we could have a ham sandwich, if we had some bread” ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/14 "2024-09-17T06:00:41Z")
Your mother was clearly a comedian. I hope she took 2 beats before the second part. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/15 "2024-09-17T09:49:28Z")
If the dog hadn’t stopped to shit, he woulda caught the rabbit. ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/16 "2024-09-17T10:39:40Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts then we’d all have a merry Christmas” > > - Sheldon Cooper If _King of the Hill_ has taught me nothing else, it’s that Sheldon stole that line from Dandy Don Meredith. ---
**Author:** ![vbob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vbob/32/4439_2.png) [@vbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vbob)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/17 "2024-09-17T10:47:53Z")
> [@Quondam\_Mechanic](#): > > All from an old Yiddish joke – the version I heard was, “if my grandmother had balls and a prick, she’d be my grandfather.” Mom would occasionally exclaim in moments of frustration “Balls, said the Queen. If I had to (two?) I could be king!” ---
**Author:** ![vbob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vbob/32/4439_2.png) [@vbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vbob)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/18 "2024-09-17T10:49:11Z")
> [@PatrickLondon](#): > > “If we had some ham we could have a ham sandwich, if we had some bread” Mom’s version: “If we had ham we could have ham and eggs if we had some eggs” ---
**Author:** ![Quondam\_Mechanic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quondam_mechanic/32/3404_2.png) [@Quondam\_Mechanic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quondam_Mechanic)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/19 "2024-09-17T22:30:01Z")
Have you noticed that when life gives you lemons, it doesn’t usually give you water and sugar? ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2024, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366/20 "2024-09-17T22:57:01Z")
“A farting horse will never tire. A farting man is the one to hire.” Not relevant to the OP, I’ve just always liked that one. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-apples-and-oranges-were-razor-blades-you-could-shave-with-a-fruit-salad/1007366.md?page=2)