# If equality within the couple was not possible, which would you prefer? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 9, 2015, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630 "2015-07-09T02:02:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2015, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/41 "2015-07-10T12:31:07Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > I’d prefer my partner was the more successful. He’d be better at it, I think. Plus, it’d be no fun to be with someone who would never challenge me. Me too. I don’t think I would have as much respect for my partner, if I was the smarter/more successful one. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2015, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/42 "2015-07-10T13:14:51Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > I think it depends a bit on how you interpret the hypothetical. If I assume I meet someone who is compatible with my values then I’d be totally on board with her being more successful and wealthy. But a key part of my values include not judging other people for not being driven and in my experience that’s difficult for driven people to do. > > Besides the first friend I mentioned, I have another friend who probably makes about $70,000 working for his dad’s business. When his dad retires he should make about triple that if he can do as well as his dad. > > Meanwhile his wife is a surgeon who resents how much free time he was to relax and enjoy his life. They get into fights because she feels they should spend her limited free time together. That might sound somewhat reasonable but he ends up resenting that his schedule is dictated by her career choices. Plus she tends to be so burnt out that although she wants his company, she’s not really up to do anything fun. > > As for my other friend I agree judging someone negatively for “only” making $70,000 makes you at least cray-cray, if not a big asshole. Personally I started out really ambitious and driven and I’m really glad I got it out of my system early. I can see that this has bigger meaning behind it than just the money. I simply would never marry a surgeon. I know my parents would have loved it (a DOCTOR!) but I do want to see my other half some time. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2015, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/43 "2015-07-10T13:28:42Z")
Straight male, I’d prefer it’s me. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2015, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/44 "2015-07-10T14:18:30Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > I am going to go with your hypothetical, **DSeid**. But before I vote, may I ask for some questions? > [ul] > [li]Suppose one spouse makes $100k and the other makes $30k. Are you asking if I’d rather be the one making $100k? [/li] > [li]Or are you saying my income stays the same (as it is in real life), and my choice is whether my spouse makes substantially more or less than I do?[/li] > [li]Do you have an idea of what “substantial” l means? Or should I go with my own sense of what the word means?[/li] > [li]It looks like income and intelligence go together in the poll. Am I correct in thinking that my intelligence stays the same, and my spouse’s intelligence is either “substantially” more or less than mine?[/li][/ul] > > Thanks. Sorry that I had missed this and not answered. The second: you are what you are. Are you more comfortable partnered with someone substantially “more” than you or someone “less” than you on some combination of intellect, education, income, and status. Yes for the purpose of the poll “substantial” is completely subjective: it is the amount that you, and perhaps your partner, notice it as a distinct difference. **To all:** Have the results of the poll so far been what you would have expected or do they surprise you? Do you think the results would have been much different a generation back? Do you think a generation from now people will fall out differently? Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Barrett\_Bonden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@Barrett\_Bonden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barrett_Bonden)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2015, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/45 "2015-07-10T14:53:55Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Does the above have an impact on how happy young, less highly educated, less intellectual, less economically successful males are with their romantic prospects within their age cohort? Males who might also be less than comfortable moving up an age cohort in romance and who might not be all that appealing to those women either. It’s pretty hard to extrapolate much from these data, given how nuanced relationships tend to be. People may have a general preference for a lot of things (facial hair, level of education, sense of humor), but people are complicated and have different dealbreakers. If a potential partner were appealing in every other way, would you reject him or her on the basis of salary? A number of the examples upthread are of the form, “I tried [A] and it didn’t work, so in the future I prefer \*\*.” If A and B were the driving factors for relationship failure or success, that would be meaningful. Sometimes, A and B aren’t directly responsible for the failure of the relationship. Respect, kindness, and even salary aren’t directly correlated to intelligence. Playing Devil’s Advocate to myself, I can see how having had a relationship fail in part due to financial pressures would not unreasonably bias one toward a partner with higher earnings. Conversely, having had a relationship fail because a career-driven partner didn’t have time for non-work activities might bias a person in the other direction. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2015, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/46 "2015-07-10T15:11:45Z")
I think there were lots of ways to read this question and some of the answers almost certainly reflect that. If it’s all based on current salaries, for example, that will skew the answers because some people aren’t making enough to partner with someone making “substantially less,” so they have to choose the substantially more choice. In the US, men are more likely to be making more than women, so that right there can skew things a huge amount. But I took it to mean “If all things are equal otherwise (meaning household income) would you rather be the higher or the lower earner.” ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2015, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/47 "2015-07-10T17:41:59Z")
> [@pool](#): > > Anecdotal I know but it seems in my personal life all the women I know that are more successful by a significant margin in comparison to their husbands seem to be unhappy in their marriages and relationships and often end up leaving the guy. It seems like that shouldn’t be a problem in this day and age but gender stereotypes continue to exist and I’ve known a lot of women who were the breadwinners who basically treat their husbands like they are their bitches. This isn’t really true. Marriages in which the women are significantly more successful than the men tend to be quite happy, similar to ones where men are significantly more successful than their wives. Marriages in which both people make about the same are less happy than either of the other two. [http://anepigone.blogspot.com/2014/10/buy-and-sell-that-happy-ass.html](http://anepigone.blogspot.com/2014/10/buy-and-sell-that-happy-ass.html) ---
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2015, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/48 "2015-07-10T18:59:30Z")
That’s why I prefaced my statement with anecdotal but I don’t think that one study with a small sample size that doesn’t really seemed to have been performed by a qualified statistician, and may be biased by what people actually chose to respond, I don’t think it really proves anything. I would need a better cite than that. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2015, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/49 "2015-07-11T11:33:14Z")
> [@pool](#): > > That’s why I prefaced my statement with anecdotal but I don’t think that one study with a small sample size that doesn’t really seemed to have been performed by a qualified statistician, and may be biased by what people actually chose to respond, I don’t think it really proves anything. I would need a better cite than that. Your criticisms are well taken, but I don’t think there’s that much else out there. Like the blogger says (he pulled this stuff from the General Social Survey) there are currently too few high earning women / low earning men couples (at least among the respondent) to get a good estimate. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2015, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/50 "2015-07-11T12:02:28Z")
Call me sexist if you want. I like the man being the head of the household and the woman being the heart. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2015, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630/51 "2015-07-11T12:09:08Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Call me sexist if you want. I like the man being the head of the household and the woman being the heart. That’s sexist. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-equality-within-the-couple-was-not-possible-which-would-you-prefer/724630.md?page=2)