# If I kiss my married best friend on the lips when we meet & depart, is it cheating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 3, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845 "2010-04-03T18:59:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/1 "2010-04-03T18:59:51Z")
This is suggested by the thread on Neal McDonough being fired for refusing to film a sex scenes. I’d link to the other discussion if I weren’t such a putz. My best friend from college is a woman. She and I are very close, and though we live in separate cities talk on the phone several times a week. We’ve never dated; so far as I know she’s never wanted to, and I certainly don’t, as I think of her as being a little sister. Anyway…during college and after, and before she got married, we used to kiss upon greeting or departing. These were always chaste kisses. If we were standing up I’d kiss her forehead, as I’m a good deal taller than she; if we were in the car, it might be on the lips, though our lips were always closed; if one of us were on sitting and the other was not, it would be on the cheek. Years back, when she was living in another state, she met the man whom she eventually moved in with and married. After her wedding–and possibly after they moved in together, though I’m not sure–we stopped the kissing. We never discussed it; it was an unspoken but mutual agreement. So far as I know her husband had nothing to do with it, as I have never kissed her in his presence. I’m going to see her tomorrow. If I kiss her chastely as we used to, would it be cheating? Why or why not? ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/2 "2010-04-03T19:03:48Z")
I wouldn’t call it cheating- that’s a bit extreme. But I do find it inappropriate for a married man or woman to kiss other people of the attracted sex on the lips. As for why, I can only go by what I’d feel like if I were married and saw my husband kissing another woman on the lips. I would not be happy. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/3 "2010-04-03T19:07:08Z")
Would you kiss her in her husband’s presence? If you would, then I don’t see anything wrong with it, especially if it’s a cheek or forehead kiss. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/4 "2010-04-03T19:10:30Z")
So I don’t know what box to check. It’s not cheating, but inappropriate. As for a peck on the cheek or forehead, again not cheating, but wouldn’t want to see my husband do it with women other than relatives, and they’d better be blood. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/5 "2010-04-03T19:11:07Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > Would you kiss her in her husband’s presence? If you would, then I don’t see anything wrong with it, especially if it’s a cheek or forehead kiss. Bear in mind that I’m not asking for advice. I haven’t kissed her in years and don’t intend to kiss her tomorrow at breakfast. I’m just using the two of us as a example; what I’m really interested in is “when does a kiss become cheating?” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/6 "2010-04-03T19:17:10Z")
Not sure that “cheating” is necessarily the proper word here. Inappropriate, for sure, but “cheating” connotes something more-- sinister. ---
**Author:** ![raindog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/7 "2010-04-03T19:20:25Z")
“Cheating” is not _necessarily_ synonymous with “inappropriate” (as in inappropriate isn’t always cheating, although cheating is always inappropriate) so considering you haven’t kissed her in years IMV its at the very least inappropriate; inappropriate because you’re not considering their [current] views/feelings on the matter. (not to mention the likely shock they’d both experience) IMO the OP as written/stated doesn’t give enough information to call it cheating (_ **especially** _ since the prior relationship wasn’t romantic/sexual) But there is enough information to consider inappropriate. ---
**Author:** ![VarlosZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d78d45/32.png) [@VarlosZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VarlosZ)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/8 "2010-04-03T19:22:12Z")
Cheating is entirely about intent; the actual kiss is besides the point. You could be making out or even (theoretically) having sex (as actors in a film, say) without cheating, and you could easily carry out a pseudo-romantic relationship where nothing physical happens but which nonetheless constitutes a betrayal on her part. So, as described, of course this isn’t cheating, and it’s not close. If the husband was opposed it still wouldn’t be cheating, though it would be inconsiderate. ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/9 "2010-04-03T19:26:30Z")
Not cheating or inappropriate in my book. A hug & kiss on cheek or lips is a pretty common greeting in some of my social circle, married or not. As long as there are no open sores, mind you. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/10 "2010-04-03T19:26:44Z")
It’s a greeting kiss, not a ‘I want to get in your pants’ kiss. I do that with friends all the time and see nothing wrong with it. If the husband has a problem with it, then you would want to stop but otherwise it’s just two friends saying hello and goodbye. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/11 "2010-04-03T19:48:12Z")
A hug and kiss is perfectly acceptable and appropriate as a greeting between friends to me. That can be a cheek kiss or lips or a European double cheek kiss or any combination. Kissing someone who doesn’t want to be kissed is always inappropriate, so it just depends on the feelings of the kissers. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/12 "2010-04-03T19:53:49Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Bear in mind that I’m not asking for advice. I haven’t kissed her in years and don’t intend to kiss her tomorrow at breakfast. I’m just using the two of us as a example; what I’m really interested in is “when does a kiss become cheating?” Ah. Understood. But my question about whether or not one would do it in the presence of spouses (is the plural of spouse spice?) still holds. If it’s something the kisser and kissee feel they need to conceal, then things are on a slipperly slope. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/13 "2010-04-03T19:53:51Z")
> [@raindog](#): > > “Cheating” is not _necessarily_ synonymous with “inappropriate” (as in inappropriate isn’t always cheating, although cheating is always inappropriate) so considering you haven’t kissed her in years IMV its at the very least inappropriate; inappropriate because you’re not considering their [current] views/feelings on the matter. (not to mention the likely shock they’d both experience) > > IMO the OP as written/stated doesn’t give enough information to call it cheating (_ **especially** _ since the prior relationship wasn’t romantic/sexual) But there is enough information to consider inappropriate. It’s my own fault for framing a hypothetical in real-life terms, isn’t it? And for using the word _cheating_ when I really meant _inappropriate_. ---
**Author:** ![raindog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/14 "2010-04-03T20:06:05Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > It’s my own fault for framing a hypothetical in real-life terms, isn’t it? > > And for using the word _cheating_ when I really meant _inappropriate_. Best I can tell (and _imho…_) it would seem to be inappropriate only in a minor way. Inappropriate only because you A) Haven’t done it in years and she’d have no expectation of it coming, and B) He’s never witnessed it from way back when, and has no [chaste] reference points to fall back on. (So they’d likely both be surprised in some measure) Had you done it all along, and he was aware of it (and presumably cool with it) then I say “kiss her.” Just don’t grab her arse. ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/15 "2010-04-03T20:37:07Z")
Not cheating or inappropriate where I come from. No weight attached to it, no big deal. ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/16 "2010-04-03T21:07:18Z")
If you have to ask “is it cheating,” then (in my opinion) it is. If you wonder “would it hurt my partner or hers,” then the answer (probably) is yes. So why risk it? Not kissing her would acknowledge the change in relationship. Of course, you might think that nothing has changed. My belief is that marriage changes a lot of relationships. That’s one of the reasons we go through a ritual/ceremony. To make a public statement that “Things have changed.” ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/17 "2010-04-03T21:47:49Z")
Cheating requires intent. A friendly kiss is not cheating, imho. If, however, her husband is uncomfortable with the situation and requests that she not to it anymore, and she continues to do it, then it is, at the very least, inappropriate. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/18 "2010-04-03T22:25:35Z")
I don’t think kissing necessarily is cheating or even inappropriate, if it’s something you do with everyone. And it wouldn’t be considered weird in your social environment. I personally can’t imagine being kissed by someone I found even remotely attractive without feeling something. And, it there’s a spark, I’d consider doing it again to be cheating. ETA: As for the actual poll: I was meaning on-lips kisses above. I really have a hard time considering any kisses not on the lips to be cheating. You can get that sort of kiss just by being sweet. Granted, if the body language reads a bit differently, there might be a problem, but it wouldn’t be the kiss itself. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/19 "2010-04-03T23:03:14Z")
Kisses without passion aren’t cheating in any form. I have a pair of married friends. Let’s call them Pat and Michelle. One Christmas I gave them a rocking present (I forget what it was). Michelle jumped in my lap (in Pat’s presence) and laid a big wet one on me. Pat’s response was “Thank him for me, too.” So she kissed me again, even sloppier. No big deal for any of us. Although I did raise some eyebrows at a party the next week when I commented that “Pat kisses better than Michelle does.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845/20 "2010-04-03T23:22:35Z")
I’d vote for “inappropriate” too, but I’ll freely admit that my boundaries for physical touching are further out than most people’s. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-kiss-my-married-best-friend-on-the-lips-when-we-meet-depart-is-it-cheating/534845.md?page=2)