# If I ran a super secret spy agency **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 24, 2005, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-ran-a-super-secret-spy-agency/296056 "2005-03-24T16:39:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-ran-a-super-secret-spy-agency/296056/21 "2005-03-25T15:19:37Z")
> [@Scott\_plaid](#): > > Hidden message below. > If an agent is asked to shoot a fellow agent to prove that he really has turned to the other side, when infact he haven’t, they are to remember, the gun is never loaded. "You know the gun wasn’t loaded by the weight…right?!! “Well…it might have had ONE bullet” - Secret Service Agent Frank Horrigan In addition to the standard functional areas like “Operations”, “Medical”, “Detainment”, “R&D”, and “Tactical”, there will also be a “Dialogue” and “Wardrobe” group to make sure that agents are never wanting for one-liners and cool outfits. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-ran-a-super-secret-spy-agency/296056/22 "2005-03-25T15:42:05Z")
> [@JRDelirious](#): > > …whatever part of the budget cannot be made completely “Black”(\*) be tucked away somewhere in the depths of the Fisheries & Wildlife Service budget under “miscellaneous purchases, Culebra Island Bird Sanctuary pollution-control program”. or the Triborough Bridge and Tunnel Authority? ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-ran-a-super-secret-spy-agency/296056/23 "2005-03-25T18:44:22Z")
I dunno…here’s a wild idea. When a agent retires/loses his memory it does not suddenly mean he’s become a liability. This guys been loyal for the past 20 years theres no reason he won’t be loyal for the next 20. The guy’s lost his memory for0 Og’s sake! He doesn’t remeber you or your organization. Let sleeping dogs lie! A note to Cadmus: It’s good to be prepared for “the worst”. But really, it’s like you’re deliberately trying to piss them off. (Justice League Unlimited) ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-ran-a-super-secret-spy-agency/296056/24 "2005-03-25T19:10:42Z")
If my agency exists for 50 or so years, I shall not keep the same cover company. My agents will get ‘hired’ by a new company every 5 years or so unless that company has been found out. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-ran-a-super-secret-spy-agency/296056/25 "2005-03-25T21:05:38Z")
Advice for operatives: If it’s not a bomb, taking out wiring will most likely disable it. Why is that bikini clad enemy agents look at you smugly, despite the fact that they aren’t wearing any armor? Because you can’t hit what isn’t there. I don’t care how fast you are, or how well trained, there is always someone faster. If you see a highly individualistic looking enemy agent coming towards you, dispatch them at a distance. Don’t, I repeat, don’t engage them in a one on one fight, or even sexual congress. I’m looking at you, James. Also, if you find yourself stranded on an enemy fortress located on a jungle island, without resources, steal or construct a bow, then steal an enemy agent’s body armor. They may have guns but you have a bow, and armor. And Kevlar \*\*doesn’t stop arrows. \*\* It’s something to do with severe point force versus blunt force. It’s why my entire stable of operatives are issued single shot crossbows to use if forced to drop their guns. Oh, and I just read a fantastic piece of Doctor Who fiction, involving the F.B.I. I highly recommend it. [Story on a Train by James Bow](http://www.clarksbury.com/trenchcoat/tc1-4.pdf) (Requires Adobe Acrobat Reader) Also, from the great white North comes a fantastic tale of operatives, off of a site loaded with pulp stories:[For Old Times’ Sake](http://www.pulpanddagger.com/pulpmag/dark/sake.html) ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2005, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-ran-a-super-secret-spy-agency/296056/26 "2005-03-26T02:20:24Z")
I would encourage – no, demand – all my agents to watch ordinary TV cop shows and learn the types of behavior that sticks in potential witnesses’ minds. Having a hotel clerk remember that a female operative checked in under the name of “Pussy Galore” or a bartender noticing that a male operative ordered his martinis shaken not stirred is just the thing to convince my crew that what they think is wit and sophistication is nothing more than, as **Brain Glutton** noted, having a bullseye tatooed on your forehead. While I’m at it, I would not locate my headquarters in Washington, Moscow, Berlin – or conversely, in the side of a mountain in the Alps. Rather, I’d go for the hide-in-plain-sight approach. Some place like an office park in suburban Columbus, Ohio. And all my operatives would be officially known as “Regional Manager.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-ran-a-super-secret-spy-agency/296056.md?page=1)