# If I toss a long-time friend out of my life, do I owe her an explanation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 12, 2009, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932 "2009-01-12T16:53:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2009, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/61 "2009-01-13T22:34:23Z")
DO NOT reply. She is attempting to bring on the drama. This will continue for some time. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2009, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/62 "2009-01-13T22:48:13Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > DO NOT reply. She is attempting to bring on the drama. This will continue for some time. Seconded. DO NOT REPLY. Delete all other messages from where ever as soon as they hit your inbox. ETA: Jeebus, such petty antics should not exist after the third grade. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2009, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/63 "2009-01-13T22:51:17Z")
Like I said - the delete email button is your friend. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/64 "2009-01-14T00:04:08Z")
> [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > Like I said - the delete email button is your friend. Sure it is. But it never buys you a beer, or lets you cry on it’s shoulder. Then one day, you’ve drifted apart and there’s too much drama and negativity. Then where are you? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/65 "2009-01-14T00:05:23Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > DO NOT reply. She is attempting to bring on the drama. This will continue for some time. Even I knew that, and I’m a drama-magnet. 🙂 Unfortuantely I don’t think I’ll be able to simply delete her emails without reading, as she’s not setting up addresses that scream “Meredith,” and though I can certainly delete any email from any unknown user, that risks my missing legitimate emails. What I can do and plan to do is to delete them as soon as I see “this is meredith” in the body. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/66 "2009-01-14T00:13:05Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Sure it is. But it never buys you a beer, or lets you cry on it’s shoulder. Then one day, you’ve drifted apart and there’s too much drama and negativity. Then where are you? Keep hanging out with the search button? ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/67 "2009-01-14T00:19:58Z")
> [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > Keep hanging out with the search button? Don’t. She is a capricious mistress. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/68 "2009-01-14T00:24:09Z")
Can you set up a filter so that anything with her name in the body gets shit-canned? Then you wouldn’t even have to open her emails to get rid of them. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/69 "2009-01-14T00:24:57Z")
I have a friend who I went through this situation with and when I tried to explain things, he went postal. I hadn’t even decided to cut things off permanently until he went postal. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/70 "2009-01-14T00:28:02Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Can you set up a filter so that anything with her name in the body gets shit-canned? Then you wouldn’t even have to open her emails to get rid of them. Probably, but I don’t know how. In fact I think it would be a bad idea; her name’s common, and there’s at least one person in this department who shares it. I just checked the company directory; there’s a couple dozen persons sharing her first name in Memphis alone who work for us. Besides, at this point the absurdity amuses me. I’m kind of looking forward to her resporting me to the police for refusal to turn over her cat. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/71 "2009-01-14T00:28:36Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Don’t. She is a capricious mistress. Worse. She’s a stalker. She’ll find you anywhere. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/72 "2009-01-14T00:58:53Z")
> [@dactylic\_hexameter](#): > > I had this issue with a roommate of mine. The way I broke it off (I think it still hurt her, but was better than it could have been), was basically to put the blame on me. I said something along the lines of “I respond very emotionally to your emotional ups and downs. Since I can’t prevent myself from doing this, my only solution is for us to stop being friends.” I had to dump a friend recently and used this tactic to do it. I couldn’t figure out a nice way to say “I don’t like the person you’ve become and I can’t find anything genuine about you anymore” so I just said “I’m having a lot of issues right now and I need to cut back on my social circle in this one aspect of my life.” I’m pretty sure she saw right through it, but at this point I don’t really care. ---
**Author:** ![xanthous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/53a042/32.png) [@xanthous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xanthous)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/73 "2009-01-14T01:58:19Z")
Thanks to this thread, I finally dealt with my own friend issue. I did it by e-mail, which is the only way she can be dealt with. She’s very savvy and looks for weaknesses in others to gain the footing she needs to turn tables (I’ve seen her do it too many times with others) and I’m not good with confrontations so I would be a target the minute I opened my mouth. I was honest but not brutally honest, specific but not brutally specific, apologetic but not unnecessarily apologetic, and very clear that it’s not up for her brand of discussion, which is to justify her behaviors to death until we’re running around in circles. I played it right down the middle. She’s hurt but thanked me for being honest. I said, “I’m sorry” And then she sent another e-mail, fishing for some kind of further explanation from me that would be the fodder she’d need to start with the justifying, but I didn’t give it to her. I just said again, “I’m sorry” I cannot say how relieved I am. Bummed, but relieved. Thanks for sharing, **Skald.** ---
**Author:** ![BrassyPhrase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/74 "2009-01-14T03:10:30Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > So while I was lunch I started to reply to Meredith’s email. I was going to be civil but blunt, I told myself. There’s stuff about herself she needs to hear. So I went for a couple of paragraphs about her gradual morphing into a psychic vampire, and I started to list the many, many ways she has been offensively, Dworkinishly stupid \You don’t have to enter into the cycle. Before you escalate an argument with a nutjob ask yourself what purpose it will serve. Is someone keeping score? Will you be awarded money if you win this argument? Or will it just raise your blood pressure?" > > So I deleted the first email and wrote one saying Yes, I was deliberately cutting her out, and No, I am not willing to get together and discuss it, and wished her well. > Of course, me choosing the less-dramatic course probably means teh world is ending. If the Cubs win the next World Series, we’re all screwed. Well done. A friend of the family deals with some psychiatric patients and she says that they tend to be ‘high drama’. And people who are, always want to draw you into the drama. Even high maintenance people are like that, to an extent. I hesitate to quote _Wargames_, but sometimes the only way to win is not to fight. 😃 Of course, me choosing the less-dramatic course probably means teh world is ending. If the Cubs win the next World Series, we’re all screwed. [/QUOTE] My officemate’s husband will say to anything odd “Okay, that’s it, the meteor is coming.” I saw the laziest person I know at work standing on a stepstool to do some work the other day. I said “Is my hair on fire? Because the meteor IS HERE!” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/75 "2009-01-14T03:50:11Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Deducing somehow that I had blocked her from sending me emails, Meredith opened a yahoo account to demand that I return the cat I got from her when her own cat had kittens. > > Three years ago. You know, there’s a part of me that thinks you should go buy some various butcher leavings and some fake fur the same colour as the cat, and return her “cat” by mail. I don’t think she’d bother you after that. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/76 "2009-01-14T13:48:13Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > For them to have given that picture to me, she said, was very disturbing; it brought overtones of _incest_and _harems_ into the household. It seemed to her that both Kim and Liz were putting themselves in danger of being exploited by me, she said, and it was something they needed to guard against. I really, really want you to reply to her latest attempt at contact by simply saying “Managing my growing harem is taking too much of my time, and I’ve had to prioritize.” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/77 "2009-01-14T15:42:01Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > You know, there’s a part of me that thinks you should go buy some various butcher leavings and some fake fur the same colour as the cat, and return her “cat” by mail. I don’t think she’d bother you after that. [QUOTE=Sailboat] I really, really want you to reply to her latest attempt at contact by simply saying “Managing my growing harem is taking too much of my time, and I’ve had to prioritize.” [/QUOTE] Agh! Are y’all INSANE? That would be me returning to my usual patterns of seek out new drama, new escalations–of boldly going where no drama-queen has gone before! 😃 Besides, though on a purely intellectually level I can recognize that Liz is cute, I simply refuse to even jest about boinking her. It’s too damn ooky. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/78 "2009-01-14T15:44:37Z")
> [@BrassyPhrase](#): > > Well done. A friend of the family deals with some psychiatric patients and she says that they tend to be ‘high drama’. And people who are, always want to draw you into the drama. Even high maintenance people are like that, to an extent. A cursory examination of my posting history might support a contention that I myself I overly dramatic. But I’m trying to guard against it. I know that part of me seeks to create the high tension situations, the same way that part of me loves to win arguments; but I’m tired that that element of Skald. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/79 "2009-01-14T15:57:41Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > I’d tell her that you do not like the person she has become. If she is losing friends and such she is on her way to being crazy cat lady. Perhaps buy her a cat as a goodbye gift. > … If you really want to make this point buy her 12 cats. Actually, I wouldn’t go into detail about the single photo incident. Her response would probably be just to apologize for that one thing and expect all to be good again. Or to say you’re over-reacting to a single incident, and how can that be enough to ruin a 20 ear friendship blahblahblah. I’d go with the “suck the joy out of a room” -type comments. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932/80 "2009-01-14T16:03:07Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > If you really want to make this point buy her 12 cats. She already has four. I’ve also tolerated remarks from her not unlike those which caused a fair amount of controversy in a recent GD thread when she compared her grief over the death of a pet to the death of a child. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-toss-a-long-time-friend-out-of-my-life-do-i-owe-her-an-explanation/480932.md?page=5)