OK, didn’t have to do this. I had today off but the department needed extra personnel to handle the crowd for the July 4th fireworks celebration on the waterfront.
Unknown, possessed hand belonging to me raises up. Was it that lucrative overtime pay that made it the deciding factor or was it just sheer stupidity on my part? (In the background, the choir of angels start singing sweetly, “Sheer, sheer, stu-u-u-pidity!!”)
Instead of being home tonight watching summer reruns, getting beat on by Kidpony, and catching up on some reading, I am assigned to traffic and parking control hell to make sure thousands of tourists and locals enter and exit the viewing area with a minimum loss of life and property. My Fun Meter hits “Maximum”.
– “Officer, can I park my camper next to that ambulance and fire truck?”
(Yeah, sure, why should those guys get all the best seats? I’m sure your deep knowledge and insight into trailer court life and bass fishing, combined with your expertise as a greeter at Wal-Mart, will no doubt enhance the morale of our undermanned and poorly-trained fire and rescue units.)
– “Can I finish this beer in the car?”
(Of course you can sir, it’s a common Florida tradition to waive all DUI laws on Independence Day! I’m standing here just to make sure that next Budweiser truck makes it, without delay, to your picnic area!)
– “Are there better places to park and view the fireworks other that the designated areas at the waterfront?”
(Sure, sir/ma’am, can your car float? You can tie it off to one of our many fungus-ridden docks or one of our picturesque, but aromatic, shrimp boats!)
– “How can we get food over here?”
I bit my tongue so hard on this one. I am still bleeding.
(Oh ma’am, I’m sure with a neck that long and legs like that, you should have no trouble wading out into the bay
and spearing a lot of edible marine life.)
(sigh) I answer each query politely and helpfully, repeating the Zen-like soothing mantra-- Protect And Serve. I drive home laughing like maniac out of a Hunter S. Thompson novel.
Happy July 4th everyone!!
