# If I were Superman **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 25, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297 "2003-02-25T01:49:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/1 "2003-02-25T01:49:48Z")
I’d find Lana Lang and say… “Right, I can’t take this any longer. You want to know my secret? This is it, I am from another planet. I came here as a boy in a small spaceship during the meteor storm. I seem to have super powers, something to do with your Sun being more powerful than the one on our home planet, I don’t know. Anyway. I can run really fast, I am very strong, I can see through things, I can set fire to things (with my eyes), I think maybe I can fly. And I absolutely fancy the tight pants and silky white nickers off you Lana!. Now you know my secret - get your cute little ass into that bedroom NOW!” …If _I_ were superman. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/2 "2003-02-25T02:03:23Z")
I would accept Bruce’s love and make the Batcave into a Super love nest. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/3 "2003-02-25T02:15:05Z")
If I were Superman, X-ray vision would be the power I would use the most. ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/4 "2003-02-25T02:26:46Z")
If I were Superman… wow. There’d be a whole lot of people and organizations who would find out that they really should have stocked up on Kryptonite when they had the chance. I think it’s for the best that I’m not Superman. ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/5 "2003-02-25T02:46:43Z")
I would: Carry icebergs to drought-stricken peoples. Fly counterclockwise around tornados, making them disappear. Start a collection of moon rocks. Visit the Titanic. Make a diamond out of coal with my bare hands. Find out if heat vision and X-ray vision can be used together, to make a hole inside an object. Be an angel of mercy to those lost at sea, trapped under the earth, or left without hope. Wear the cape, and the red shorts, just because I can. Fight for truth, justice, and the American way. Never stop flying. ---
**Author:** ![Rabid\_Squirrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Rabid\_Squirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rabid_Squirrel)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/6 "2003-02-25T02:46:58Z")
Fly around the world, zap any kytonite deposits with my laser beam eyes, then rule despotically over the world. Or drop bowling balls, anvils and stuff from suborbital heights onto concrete. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/7 "2003-02-25T02:55:41Z")
I’d quit my job, that much is for damned sure. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/8 "2003-02-25T03:06:04Z")
Bah. Superman and GL ain’t got nothing on me. ---
**Author:** ![mouthbreather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/9 "2003-02-25T03:18:25Z")
Thought this thread was gonna be about Basehead. Nevermind. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/10 "2003-02-25T03:29:58Z")
I would skip **everywhere**. ---
**Author:** ![Wearia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Wearia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wearia)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/11 "2003-02-25T03:33:49Z")
I would become the greatest Olympic athlete _ever_! ---
**Author:** ![croaker67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@croaker67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/croaker67)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/12 "2003-02-25T03:53:24Z")
Two Words…World Domination ---
**Author:** ![dbygawdcapn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dbygawdcapn/32/3995_2.png) [@dbygawdcapn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dbygawdcapn)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/13 "2003-02-25T04:03:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Peyote Coyote \* > \*\*If I were Superman, X-ray vision would be the power I would use the most. \*\* Just think, you could check out the fortunes in the cookies without having to crack them open. ---
**Author:** ![DreadCthulhu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DreadCthulhu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DreadCthulhu)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/14 "2003-02-25T04:32:42Z")
Or think of all the free sodas you could win by looking at the bottlecaps. ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/15 "2003-02-25T04:39:26Z")
Y’know what’s always bothered me about Superman? He’s standing there telling the bad guy to put down the laser, or whatever, and then he’s arguing with the bad guy, and then he’s got the laser bouncing off his chest, and then he’s… For the love of Bob, Kal, you can move at relativistic if not supraluminal speeds! Why don’t you just punch this guy out and go save a bunch of people from an avalanche and clean your apartment and balance your chequebook and write a letter to Ma Kent, save a few more people from a tornado or something and get back there and catch him before he hits the ground? If I were Superman, I would use more effective time management. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/16 "2003-02-25T06:37:00Z")
If I were Superman, I’d fly faster than the speed of light counter to the rotation of the Earth and make it yesterday again… _d&r_ ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/17 "2003-02-25T06:53:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JThunder \* > \*\*Bah. Superman and GL ain’t got nothing on me. \*\* Say… you trying to start something? 😃 Are you Johnny or Jakeem Thunder? ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/18 "2003-02-25T06:55:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jayjay \* > \*\*If I were Superman, I’d fly faster than the speed of light counter to the rotation of the Earth and make it yesterday again… > > _d&r_ \*\* Then use your heat vision to turn Lois into ashes, and take up your passionate relationship with Jimmy Olson to the next level. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/19 "2003-02-25T06:59:22Z")
Can it be the Justin Whalin version of Jimmy Olsen? Pleeeeeease? ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/20 "2003-02-25T07:10:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mockingbird \* > \*\*Say… you trying to start something? > > 😃 > > Are you Johnny or Jakeem Thunder? \*\* Say, you are awfully nosy. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297.md?page=2)