# If I were Superman **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 25, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297 "2003-02-25T01:49:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/21 "2003-02-25T07:27:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JThunder \* > \*\*Say, you are awfully nosy. \*\* Say, you’ve got an attitude. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/22 "2003-02-25T07:39:42Z")
If I say you are probably confusing everyone else, would you agree? ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/23 "2003-02-25T08:19:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lobsang \* > **I’d find Lana Lang and say… > Now you know my secret - get your cute little ass into that bedroom NOW!"** Have you ever read “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” by Larry Niven? ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/24 "2003-02-25T08:31:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JThunder \* > \*\*If I say you are probably confusing everyone else, would you agree? \*\* Say, you wouldn’t be Jonni Thunder, would’ja? ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/25 "2003-02-25T08:38:40Z")
No. ---
**Author:** ![adamant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@adamant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adamant)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/26 "2003-02-25T12:17:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Weird\_AL\_Einstein \* > \*\*Have you ever read “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” by Larry Niven? \*\* No - have you read “Superfolks” by Robert Mayer? - Its a hilarious spoof/satire that uses a superman tpye hero who is now approaching middle age. One of the funniest bits is his x-ray vision. Evidently his super-conscience makes him run into things whenever he mis-uses his x-ray vision to peep at girls in their underclothes or what have you. Then he mentions that he was voted “most clumsy” in high school:) ---
**Author:** ![Labdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Labdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labdad)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/27 "2003-02-25T15:14:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JThunder \* > \*\*Bah. Superman and GL ain’t got nothing on me. \*\* Don’t tell me - you can make like a turtle and dive for pearls in the sea? ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/28 "2003-02-25T17:25:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mockingbird \* > \*\*Say, you wouldn’t be Jonni Thunder, would’ja? \*\* Or how about Jonni DC? ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/29 "2003-02-25T19:59:48Z")
Say, you’re supposed to be dead, **Mockingbird**. Aren’t you? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/30 "2003-02-25T20:02:42Z")
> [@](#): > > ## quote: > > ## Originally posted by The Peyote Coyote If I were Superman, X-ray vision would be the power I would use the most. > > Just think, you could check out the fortunes in the cookies without having to crack them open.dbygawdcapn: That wasn’t quite the use I had in mind. ---
**Author:** ![mwb1972](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8edcca/32.png) [@mwb1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mwb1972)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/31 "2003-02-26T00:06:21Z")
If I were Superman, I’d firmly hold Lois in my arms, and then very hard, and very fast, take her up the …park …damn I’m Clark Kent again… :eek: ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/32 "2003-02-26T03:24:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jayjay \* > \*\*Can it be the Justin Whalin version of Jimmy Olsen? Pleeeeeease? \*\* I’m sorry, but Justin Whalin just plain isn’t available. Now, don’t cry. I know you’re all hot and bothered by his irresistible Whalin cuteness, but there’s a trick you can use to dispel that image and get on with your day: Just remember him in _Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie_. ---
**Author:** ![Turbo\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@Turbo\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turbo_Dog)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/33 "2003-02-26T04:21:02Z")
If bullets bounce off Superman’s chest, why does he duck when they throw the empty gun at him? I wouldn’t duck. [sub]ask that question in a room full of engineers… it’s funny as hell when they get blank looks, and even funnier when they actually try and give logical answers[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/34 "2003-02-26T05:29:13Z")
I would declare myself a soviergn power, with a seat on the U.N., access to nuclear weapons, etc. I’d also do a world tour executing despots, tyrants, and people I didn’t like. Doubtless the combination of unlimited power and the fear of billions would twist my psyche into something that would make the real superman scream in horror. It’d be fun. ---
**Author:** ![djf750](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ea666f/32.png) [@djf750](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/djf750)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/35 "2003-02-26T05:47:41Z")
I’d join the NBA and post up on shaq ---
**Author:** ![Cessandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cessandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cessandra)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/36 "2003-02-26T05:49:29Z")
The real question is, if you were Superman [would you be circumcised](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=165564)? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/37 "2003-02-26T05:57:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JThunder \* > \*\*Say, you’re supposed to be dead, **Mockingbird**. Aren’t you? \*\* Fucking tweet. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/38 "2003-02-26T06:56:10Z")
Avengers don’t curse, sweetie. Not even dead ones. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/39 "2003-02-26T08:01:32Z")
Well, besides a requisite “Ditto” to the “World Domination” schemes aforementioned, I’d probably take **Seanbaby’s** advice and “eat lava, just because I could.” And I’d probably want to make my public debut by flying to Nasa’s next planetary lander, and making faces at the camera. Then I’d make a “peace offering” by bringing back a few tons of boulders from Mars. I’d probably also want to do things like finish the Crazy Horse memorial in one day, or steal the remaining fragments of Hitler’s skull that the Russians still have, and make it into a urinal liner. And I’d want to use my super-speed to read every single book in the library of congress, if only to be able to gloat about it. Also, Corporate endorsements: “Hi, I’m **SuperRan** , mightiest of men. And I use a Macintosh!” And of course, I suppose I’d have to find a location for my Fortress of Solitude…dibs on Banff. And I know one thing that I absolutely will NOT do…I will NEVER wear my underwear on the outside of my uniform. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297/40 "2003-02-26T08:17:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JThunder \* > \*\*Avengers don’t curse, sweetie. Not even dead ones. \*\* No, but Scarlet Witch (I’m so fonda Wanda) hexed many a time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-superman/157297.md?page=3)