# If I were to face off against an arch supervillain **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 6, 2002, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572 "2002-07-06T01:51:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2002, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/1 "2002-07-06T01:51:44Z")
If I ever had to face off against an arch-supervillain, I would always remember to do the following: 1. If he goes down and isn’t moving, I’m not going to approach him and see if he’s still alive. That’s a sure fire way of getting stabbed. 2. I will not assume that just because he fell down a pit that the fall killed him. 3. I will assume that he has at least one identical twin brother. 4. If he is hanging by his fingertips from a cliff, scafolding or tower, I will let him fall. I feel no desire to prove I am “better than him” by pulling him up and allowing him to take a swing at me and fall anyway. 5. My girlfriend will generally not “be safer here” unless I am also “here”. 6. Rigging his weapon to explode when fired and giving it back to him always seems to work well. 7. If I am facing an arch supervillain, I should not be surprised if my best friend/significant other or other trusted confidant is somehow involved. 8. If I am captured and the arch supervillain asks how I want to die, I will respond “old age”. 9. If I have the chance, I may take a shot at him right off the bat when his back his turned. That way I can spare myself the pain of getting my ass kicked, losing my friend, family or girlfriend and then having to train for a future comeback. 10. I will not use just handcuffs. They seem like they are too easy to pick. I will use handcuffs and then wrap the handcufs in duct tape. I will sit him in a heavy chair and wrap the arch supervillan to the chair with suct tape. I will then tie the chair to two secure eye-bolts with two chains, all the parts tested to at least 20,000 lbs and the eye bolts will be secured to a structural member, not a wall that can be pulled out. I will place all of this in an empty clean room constantly under the watchful eye of myself armed with 2 separate machineguns manufactured by two separate companies. This is all assuming I need to keep him alive for some reason, otherwise I would just kill him outright. Feel free to add your own ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2002, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/2 "2002-07-06T01:59:26Z")
Actually, [I’m ready for you](http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html). ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2002, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/3 "2002-07-06T02:11:55Z")
Make sure to stall for time by getting him to disclose his elaborate plans and/or origin to you. ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2002, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/4 "2002-07-06T02:22:47Z")
Challenge him to pistols at dawn, and show up at midnight with a large block of high explosive rigged to blow in six hours. Then leave. Quickly. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2002, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/5 "2002-07-06T06:16:01Z")
Well, if you’re in a comic book, remember to find the body before presuming the villain dead. Then decapitate the corpse. And burn it. Then pee on it, hog-tie it with a knotted rope made out of wolfsbane fibers, then encase it in a block of acrylic resin you can use as a coffee table. And remember: If the villain is cooler than you are, either you and everyone you care about is toast, or he’s so cool that he doesn’t really deserve to die. (Note the use of “He.” Most female villains are, by default, cooler than most heroes) Ranchoth ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2002, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/6 "2002-07-06T15:59:49Z")
When the Villian has me pinned to the ground in a strangle hold, I will stare with wide eyes over his sholder at the monster coming to eat us both. When he follows my eyes and turns his head to see the…heh-heh…non-existant monster, I’ll sucker-punch him with a right hook. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2002, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/7 "2002-07-07T02:41:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ranchoth \* > Note the use of “He.” Most female villains are, by default, cooler than most heroes > \*\* I just sort of naturally assumed that a female arch supervillain would fall in love with me. If he’s really that cool, I just figured I could always accept his offer to be one of his trusted lieutenants. If I have to fight him, I’ll make sure to do it on top of a train or other moving platform where there is a strong likelihood of him falling or getting his head knocked off my a passing signal light or tunnel entrance. I think that there may actually be time to call for backup. I probably would choose not to go one on one with him in the activity he trained me in (boxing, snipering, fighterplane piloting, lightsaber dueling, scrabble, whatever) ---
**Author:** ![Journeyman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/779978/32.png) [@Journeyman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Journeyman)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2002, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/8 "2002-07-07T16:11:46Z")
I’d attempt to boost my strength, through the usual methods (powered armor, getting bitten by a radioactive version of something strong, etc.). I would then use my awesome lifting power to throw a variety of heavy objects at the evil villain. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2002, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/9 "2002-07-07T16:16:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ranchoth \* > **Well, if you’re in a comic book, remember to find the body before presuming the villain dead. Then decapitate the corpse. And burn it. Then pee on it, hog-tie it with a knotted rope made out of wolfsbane fibers, then encase it in a block of acrylic resin you can use as a coffee table.** Yeah, this NEVER works in the movies. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2002, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/10 "2002-07-07T17:56:05Z")
I would rig a piano key with explosives. Then, I would play a simple tune, but intentionally play the last note out of key. This will be done within earshot of the villain. The villain will eventualy grow frustrated with my apparent inability to play the tune correctly and will attempt to show me _how it’s really done_. When playing the tune correctly, the villain will strike the rigged key and … KA-BOOM! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2002, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/11 "2002-07-07T18:00:40Z")
Another way to defeat evil villains is to reconfigure the lateral ion pulse generator of the transporter and re-route the negative plasma generated from the reconfiguration through the warp coil to the deflector dish creating a fission stream burst that reverses the polarity of the villain’s deflector shields. ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2002, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/12 "2002-07-07T18:31:45Z")
Haven’t y’all been keeping up? [Chocolate and boobies](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=123958) is the ultimate villain buster. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2002, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/13 "2002-07-14T04:27:51Z")
Couple of other things: If I’m fighting the arch supervilain with a friends, I should try to figure out ahead of time who is the cool hero, comic relief, guy who gets killed, traitor and wise mentor (who probably also gets killed). Always make sure that my secret shack of weapons and explosives is stocked. Problably should keep those comments about my arch supervillain employer’s unsafe and unethical business practices to myself. You know what? I bet those ex-Navy S.E.A.L./Special Forces/CIA buddies of mine from 'Nam and Desert Storm might want to hear from now and then. After awhile they may start to think I only want to hang out when there’s an Arch Supervillan who needs killing. We did not “defeat him together” if I kill him myself and the only thing you guys do is get yourselfs captured and need me to rescue you. I’d just assume you stay at home for that. If I’ve just lost friends and family, killed about 50 henchmen, goons and trusted lieutenants, been shot in the leg, and am now left pointing a gun at the critically wounded supervillain, I think it IS “worth it” to pull the trigger (especially considering I’ve already killed 50 people and he’s probably going to try and do something when my back is turned anyway). ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2002, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/14 "2002-07-14T04:44:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by msmith537 \* > \*\* > If I’ve just lost friends and family, killed about 50 henchmen, goons and trusted lieutenants, been shot in the leg, and am now left pointing a gun at the critically wounded supervillain, I think it IS “worth it” to pull the trigger (especially considering I’ve already killed 50 people and he’s probably going to try and do something when my back is turned anyway). \*\* Msmith, Did you ever know that you’re my hero? 🙂 Ranchoth ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2002, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/15 "2002-07-14T05:22:28Z")
I would pack as much ordnance as possible around my belt – all adorned with some animal-based motif, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2002, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/16 "2002-07-14T05:59:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bearflag70 \* > \*\*Another way to defeat evil villains is to reconfigure the lateral ion pulse generator of the transporter and re-route the negative plasma generated from the reconfiguration through the warp coil to the deflector dish creating a fission stream burst that reverses the polarity of the villain’s deflector shields. \*\* Yeah, but that only works on Tuesdays. When I’m fighting archvillains I always make sure to perform lots of unnecessary flashy pseudo-martial arts type moves. If I really get going I’ll stop suddenly in a dramatic pose for a camera close-up. Usually my opponent is so impressed that he runs away and seals himself in his control room and then tries to take me out with wall and floor mounted laser cannons. Ha! Little does he know that I secretly broke in the night before and put pre-chewed bubblegum on the laser mirrors. I then grab a cannon, remove the gum and melt the little bastard where he stands. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2002, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/17 "2002-07-14T06:18:24Z")
…And remember: If you’re in anime, the villain has to just stand there in awe while you complete your transformation sequence, even if you take a minute and a half. Best of all, it works EVERY time. Ranchoth ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2002, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/18 "2002-07-14T15:12:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ranchoth \* > …And remember: If you’re in anime, the villain has to just stand there in awe while you complete your transformation sequence, even if you take a minute and a half. Best of all, it works EVERY time. Ah…yes. Well the problem is that I’ve already asked my father and he doesn’t posses a mystical sword passed down from my grandfather. And my “transformation sequence” consists of doing shots of Jagemeister and becoming loud and beligerent. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2002, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/19 "2002-07-14T15:36:08Z")
On a semi related note, killing off the henchmen/guards in the supervillian’s fortress is fairly easy, since every single one of them will investigate any little noise without telling any of his buddies, allowing you to take them out one by one. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572/20 "2002-07-16T05:29:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bryan Ekers \* > On a semi related note, killing off the henchmen/guards in the supervillian’s fortress is fairly easy, since every single one of them will investigate any little noise without telling any of his buddies, allowing you to take them out one by one. \*\* They also tend to leave shipping containers (usually filled with guns, drugs or weapons) hanging precariously with the controls activated nearby. This allows the container to be dropped on them. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-face-off-against-an-arch-supervillain/117572.md?page=2)