# If I were to to sneek up behind Anna Kournikova and go \*snip\*, would I get charged? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [January 12, 2001, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694 "2001-01-12T14:22:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Doc\_Moss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Doc\_Moss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Moss)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/1 "2001-01-12T14:22:16Z")
What’s the worst thing that could happen to me if I snipped her golden locks? Seeing as this board is dominated by fu… I mean, “Americans” ;), let’s pretend I did this in America and was under US juristiction. ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/2 "2001-01-12T14:30:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doc Moss \* > \*\*What’s the worst thing that could happen to me if I snipped her golden locks? > > Seeing as this board is dominated by fu… I mean, “Americans” ;), let’s pretend I did this in America and was under US juristiction. \*\* I don’t know the person you’re referring to, but if the question is “can I get arrested for cutting hair off of some one without their permission?” the answer is in most jurisdictions I believe, yes, for assault/battery. ---
**Author:** ![Doc\_Moss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Doc\_Moss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Moss)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/3 "2001-01-12T14:42:10Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by wring \* > \*\* > I don’t know the person you’re referring to_\* :eek: ---
**Author:** ![JeffB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeffb/32/188_2.png) [@JeffB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffB)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/4 "2001-01-12T14:50:48Z")
I think **wring** is right on the assault thing. And I agree with **Doc Moss** on the :eek:. Where you been **wring**? ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/5 "2001-01-12T14:56:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JeffB \* > \*\*I think **wring** is right on the assault thing. > > And I agree with **Doc Moss** on the :eek:. Where you been **wring**? \*\* Ok. Ok. I’m 46 year old female living in the midwest with less than zero interest in any sports (after the :eek: I did a search on the name and found she’s tennis player). I’ll bet my son (16) knows who she is. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Bredin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/96bed5/32.png) [@John\_Bredin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Bredin)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/6 "2001-01-12T20:30:44Z")
Maybe I’ve been hanging around some of the funkier threads on this board too long, but my first thought when I saw the title was that it was going to be about cutting her bra strap. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JeffB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeffb/32/188_2.png) [@JeffB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffB)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/7 "2001-01-12T20:39:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doc Moss \* > What’s the worst thing that could happen to me if I snipped her golden locks? I think I missed the most important quesion here. The **worst** thing that could happen is that crowd of pubescent boys and lecherous older men would lynch you. ---
**Author:** ![Chas.E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e99b99/32.png) [@Chas.E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chas.E)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/8 "2001-01-12T20:50:34Z")
If you got anywhere near her with a sharp pointed object like a scissors, you’d probably be smashed to a pulp by bodyguards and then charged with attempted murder (at worst) or assault (at best). ---
**Author:** ![Zappo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b3f665/32.png) [@Zappo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zappo)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/9 "2001-01-12T21:41:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doc Moss \* > \*\*What’s the worst thing that could happen to me if I snipped her golden locks? > > Seeing as this board is dominated by fu… I mean, “Americans” ;), let’s pretend I did this in America and was under US juristiction. \*\* OK, I’m gonna make my mommy proud and draw upon my law schoolin’ to answer this one. There are a couple of alternatives here, so I’ll go through all of them. These answers, of course, assume that Anna’s bodyguards and/or the rentacops and police in her entourage haven’t beaten you to a bloody pulp. (Thanks Chas. E)! Under straight common law (which is where things like this are discussed in first year torts classes) you’d be guilty of battery. Battery is defined as a “harmful or offensive touching” of another person. The fact that you used scissors to snip the hair doesn’t matter, as the rationale for battery extends to weapons used to commit the touching or items knocked from a person’s hand (e.g. if you had slapped a racquet out of her hand instead of cutting her hair). It’s sort of like the concept of “electricity” when you grabbed your friend who was in the safety zone while playing tag as a kid. Under this rationale, you wouldn’t be guilty of assault, because assault is when a person is put in fear of an imminent harmful or offensive touching. Since you snuck up on Anna, she didn’t know you were coming and therefore couldn’t be put in fear of the offensive contact. My practice is civil, not criminal, so the remainder of this is based on my sketchy knowledge of criminal law. Under modern criminal laws, you’d be guilty of battery in most states, which is defined the same way as it is above. Most states also have widened the category of battery to encompass assault, so the DA would probably stick an assault charge on you too. Since you used a weapon (the scissors) you’d probably be charged with aggravated assault or assault with a deadly weapon. Aggravated assault usually requires the use of a weapon or certain aggravating circumstances such as assault on a minor, using a weapon, chasing a fleeing victim or something like that. Since the scissors could cause bodily harm or death, you’d most be charged with assault with a deadly weapon. So the moral is: don’t sneak up on tennis players and cut their hair! Regards, Zappo A lawyer and a reformed character (with apologies to Ambrose Bierce) ---
**Author:** ![Ad\_Noctum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b19c9b/32.png) [@Ad\_Noctum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ad_Noctum)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/10 "2001-01-13T00:30:04Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by wring \* \*\* > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JeffB \* > \*\* > I’ll bet my son (16) knows who she is. \*\* I can GAR-UN-TEE your son knows who she is 🙂 and yea, you can get charged with Assault, and maybe even assault with a deadly weapon (scissors) (hey, I had to think up some substance for this post) ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/11 "2001-01-13T03:15:14Z")
the 53 year old boyfriend knew who she was, too. Damn. We’re at dinner, and I say “gee, do you know who Anna Kor…” and that’s as far as I got before he chimed in with the rest of her name, tennis player, model etc etc etc… damn. I gotta get out more. ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/12 "2001-01-13T03:28:17Z")
Well, dang, you and me, both, Wring. Huh. Just because WE have ACTUAL LIVES that don’t involve keeping abreast (heh) of every tennis player, pop singer, and bad girl flavor-of-the-month that comes bopping down the pike. ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/13 "2001-01-13T03:54:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \* > \*\*Well, dang, you and me, both, Wring. Huh. Just because WE have ACTUAL LIVES that don’t involve keeping abreast (heh) of every tennis player, pop singer, and bad girl flavor-of-the-month that comes bopping down the pike. \*\* You’re on! say, why don’t we check out the latest **Mel** movie??? Purely for the intellectual challenge, of course 😃 ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/14 "2001-01-13T05:20:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wring \* > \*\* damn. I gotta get out more. \*\* Don’t worry about it. I say you’re off the hook until she, well, wins a tournament or something. A 16-year old, OK. A 53-year old? Next time the subject comes up, ask him to name _another_ female tennis player who has never won a major. When he can’t answer (trust me), cut him off until he buys you something nice. ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/15 "2001-01-13T05:23:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by manhattan \* > \*\*A 16-year old, OK. A 53-year old? Next time the subject comes up, ask him to name _another_ female tennis player who has never won a major. > > When he can’t answer (trust me), cut him off until he buys you something nice. \*\* Oooooh, I \*\*like \*\* that. thanks for the tip! ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/16 "2001-01-13T08:33:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doc Moss \* > **What’s the worst thing that could happen to me if I snipped her golden locks?** Ahem. "The Peer now spreads the glitt’ring forfex wide, T’ inclose the Lock; now joins it, to divide. Ev’n then, before the fatal engine closed, A wretched Sylph too fondly interposed; Fate urged the shears, and cut the Sylph in twain, (But airy substance soon unites again). The meeting points the sacred hair dissever From the fair head, for ever, and for ever! “Then flash’d the living lightning from her eyes, And screams of horror rend th’ affrighted skies. Not louder shrieks to pitying Heav’n are cast, When husbands, or when lapdogs breathe their last; Or when rich China vessels, fall’n from high, In glitt’ring dust and painted fragments lie!” -Alexander Pope, “The Rape of the Lock” ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/17 "2001-01-13T08:34:53Z")
Uh… so don’t do it. Or she’ll zap you with her lightning eyes! Like Cyclops, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Doc\_Moss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Doc\_Moss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Moss)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/18 "2001-01-13T13:51:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \* > \*\*Just because WE have ACTUAL LIVES that don’t involve keeping abreast (heh) of every tennis player, pop singer, and bad girl flavor-of-the-month that comes bopping down the pike. \*\* I would disagree with is. Someone who has never heard of Anna Kournikova is also someone who isn’t in touch with events of the world. Anna always makes headlines when she pops up at tennis tournaments, she is hardly consisdered just ‘any’ tennis player. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/19 "2001-01-13T14:08:14Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Doc Moss \* \*\* > [@](#): > > I would disagree with is. Someone who has never heard of Anna Kournikova is also someone who isn’t in touch with events of the world. Anna always makes headlines when she pops up at tennis tournaments, she is hardly consisdered just ‘any’ tennis player. \*\* Not to turn this into a debate, but it could be argued that knowing sports (which is purely entertainment to those not personally involved) is about as vital to being “in touch with events of the world” as knowing whether Ross and Rachel are back together on “Friends”. But that’s just my opinion, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694/20 "2001-01-13T18:39:03Z")
Pssht. I’ll take Rev’s comment one step further and say that knowing about Anna isn’t vital to being “in touch with events of the _sports_ world”. It’s only tennis, and add the fact that she’s the least talented famous tennis player of all time and you have one vastly overrated Russian. But I’ve always been a fan of brunettes, anyway… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-i-were-to-to-sneek-up-behind-anna-kournikova-and-go-snip-would-i-get-charged/49694.md?page=2)