Y’know, the places where they actually, like, grow coffee, didn’t come up with all that bulldada. Growing up here it was café negro, café con leche, pocillo, cortado/espresso, and that’s about it. No tresgrand skinny soy medium roast civet doppelschott (well, at least until some guy who went to college stateside decides to open a You-know-who franchise because they miss the free WiFi; those are usually mercifully limited to the tourist towns). That loopiness seems to have come from places where they drink a lot of coffee just to overcome the cold.
The large was 16 oz and the small was 8 oz, so I considered ordering two smalls - I didn’t out of sheer bloody-mindedness, thinking they’d expect that. 
I spent the entire drink period going over every sip trying to ascertain why 16 oz of that particular blend was to be avoided. I got nothing…
Civet? Is that the coffee they harvest from the excrement of some kind of jungle cat?
Civet is the critter, the resulting coffee is called kopi luwak.
I wish I were* joking… I’m in a mid-size Midwestern town, full of ‘normal’, practical people, so the ‘effetiosity’ really stands out.
I gave a friend a ride to work y’day, right past The Effete Coffee Joint, so I repeated my Painfully Hip Baristas story. The friend could barely believe it either. I told her when we had an extra hour and five bucks we didn’t want to spend on real life, we’d stop there.
*My grammar is Recreationally Effete, even if my coffee isn’t. Did you notice that Subjunctive Tense (which I never learned in English class, but did in French class).
No, you missed the most important part: the booze! Irish coffee has whiskey in it.
araminty: No, I mentioned the whiskey — probably I should have said, “Then go to the bar DOWN THE STREET…”
That’s what struck me so funny, the fact that New Convert Coffee Guy used the same lingo for coffee that ordinarily you only hear in a bar: “a double shot, neat.”
digs: Yes, I noticed your subjective tense. Very nice; in fact, I’ve never known what that was called.
Heh, I guess my grammar is Armchair Effete. 
To be fair, the “God shot” quote was from Modernist Cuisine and presumably written by Nathan Myhrvold. Writing a 2,438 page, 52 lb cookbook earns you a pass.
I went back to Coffee of Actual Doom.
I thought to myself, Ho! I shall not enter unprepared a second time unto this place where strange customs prevail.
So I said to the nice young lady behind the counter, “Do you have any sweet scones today?”
She said yes, cranberry and pear cinnamon. (“pear cinnamon?” errr… okay.)
I got a cranberry scone and a cup of four-dollar coffee that I had to pour myself.
The coffee was ridiculously weak.
What about the scone, you ask?
I guess it was a “sweet scone” by virtue of the fact that there were dried sweetened cranberries in it. Because it was otherwise made with no sugar at all.
Perhaps I should offer my services as a baker. Hell, I have a freezer full of blackberries.
On the other hand, the art was much better this time.