# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![Tiktak\_Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@Tiktak\_Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiktak_Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/322 "2002-12-23T22:52:29Z")
For some requests: Frodo and his Sam (Pinky and the Brain) They’re Frodo and his Sam Yes, Frodo and his Sam One carries Sting He also has the Ring. They’re Shirefolk how nice They’re Fellowship’s been diced They’re Hobbity They’re Frodo and his Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Before each night is done Their plan will be unfurled By the dawning of the sun They’ll go out and save the world. They’re Frodo and his Sam Yes, Frodo and his Sam Their Middle Earth Quest Depends on Gollum the Pest To prove their Hobbit worth They’ll save all Middle Earth They’re Hobbity They’re Frodo and his Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam Nazgul! Fellowshipmaniacs (Animaniacs) It’s time for Fellowshipmaniacs And we’re questy to the max So just sit back and relax We’ll fight 'til we collapse We’re Fellowshipmaniacs Come join the Hobbit cousins And the Hobbit Gardener Sam Just for fun we run around Middle Earth, no scam They want to lock us in a tower to torment us 'til we break But we hide and sneak and then they freak And now you know the plot We’re Fellowshipmaniacs! Pip is cute and Merry yaks. Samwise carries all the packs While Frodo tries not to crack Meet Gandalf (Grey and White) who doesn’t want to rule the universe. Legolas has a new bow; Gimli whacks all with his axe. Boromir chases Frodo, while Aragorn recites a verse The bards have flipped; long songs are the script Why bother with this quest? We’re Fellowshipmaniacs! We have save Middle Earth contracts. We’re heroic to the mx There’s elven blades in our slacks. We’re Fellowshipmanie, Gonna save the day-ey Fellowshipmaniacs! Those are the facts! The Far Side \ [caption] "That has got to hurt.’ “Not as much if he knew I wear the Ring on my other hand.” Downfall of the Lord of the Rings Now [Scene: Darly lit interior of an inn room sized for Hobbits] (Voiceover as a partially clad Hobbit ambles around aimlessly, finally going berserk and injuring himself in a bizarre gardening accident) “I was in Bree again. I wanted a quest. And for my sins, they gave me one. And when it was over, I would never want to go on another one. After my last quest, all I could think about was going back to the Shire. And when I was in the Shire, all I could think about was me next quest. And here I was, sitting in the Prancing Pony in Bree and getting soft, while out there in their caves under the Misty Mountains, Charlie was staying hard. I had to get out of here.” [Scene: a council room in Rivendell] Gandalf: I am Gandalf the Istari. That is Elrond Half-Elven, and that is Mr. Strider. Have you ever met any of us before? Frodo: No sir, I haven’t. Gandalf: Are you Frodo of the Shire? Assigned to the Fellowship? Frodo: I’m sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and if I did I would not be disposed to discuss it at this time. Gandalf: And your Uncle Bilbo was involved in the assassination of the Dragon Smaug? Frodo: I’m sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and if I did I would not be disposed to discuss it at this time. Elrond: What do you know of Sauron? Frodo: I’m not sure I’ve heard much of him before sir. (a bard is summoned and a number of lays are sung) Gandalf: We’d like you to take Sauron’s ring, travel down the Anduin, then proceed overland to Mount Doom and terminate his Ring. Elrond: Terminate with extreme prejudice. Frodo: Terminate his ring? Mr. Aragorn: Terminate Sauron. [Scene: on Anduin in elven boats] (Voiceover as Frodo pores over books of lore) “I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe this guys record. A Maia of Aule? Chief Lieutenant to Morgoth? Managed to destroy Numenor and escape. Nearly Conquered Middle Earth. Nearly. And now he was going to try again, and this time he would succeed. And they wanted me to travel into his stronghold and destroy his ring. I couldn’t believe it.” (It would take a long time to finish this. Way too many scenes would convert so well.) ---
**Author:** ![Avalonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@Avalonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avalonian)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/323 "2002-12-23T23:14:09Z")
Dunno if y’all have noticed yet, but our little thread is currently one of the many features on the home page of [TheOneRing.net](http://www.theonering.net/index.shtml). It’s currently about 2/3 of the way down the page, under “Dec. 22.” I was _wondering_ why so many newbies were posting lately… 🙂 Welcome, all! ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/324 "2002-12-23T23:20:09Z")
Quoting ToRN: " . . . fantastic message board thread . . ." Is the SDMB fantastic or just this thread? ---
**Author:** ![velvetrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/838e76/32.png) [@velvetrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetrose)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/325 "2002-12-23T23:37:10Z")
Lord of the Rings by Kevin Smith or Jay and Silent Bob Do Mordor Frodo - I dunno about you, Chubs… but I ain’t had any fucking weed in months and I am about ready to call the whole fuckin’ thing off. What the shit is with the stupid ring anyway? And that old dude with the stick… jesus fucking christ, was he watchin’ my ass or what? Sam - … Gollum - Nassssty little hobbitses… curse way too much. Frodo - Yo, when I want your fuckin opinion, slimy little shit… Sam - _holds Frodo back, looking at him reproachfully_ Frodo - _backing off_ Man, let’s get this fucking quest or whatever over with. I got some people waitin’ back home for their smokes and they owes me money and shit. _flips the ring_ Hey I wonder what kind of cock ring this thing would make? Be fuckin cool, huh? Chicks would dig it! Bet they got some kick-ass fuckin’ chicks in Mordor… it sounds like a fuckin-A place. Sam - _shakes head and keeps pulling Gollum along_ Gollum - Nasssty little Hobbit… curssssssesssss too much… hurtssssss my little earses… why does the fat one stay with him? Sam - _shrugs_ My precious… ---
**Author:** ![Rogue428](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Rogue428](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rogue428)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/326 "2002-12-23T23:38:14Z")
{Best when read with “The Thieving Magpie” or Beethoven} A Power Ring Orange by Anthony Burgess… (excerpt) There is me, that is Frodo, and my 3 droogs, that is Pippin, Merry, and Sam. We sat in the Barliman milkbar govoreeting and peeting the old elf moloko plus. That could be moloko moriquendi to send you into the deepest stygian depths, or moloko noldori which made you feel high and mighty and immortal or moloko uruk which would sharpen you up quick and make ready for the old ultraviolence. That is what I was peeting between cups of warm chai, for we had a long long night ahead of us, O my brothers. And I sat with my glazzies fixed on the groodies of a particularly tasty hobbit ptitsa and thinking of the old in out, when Sam spots this chelloveck sitting in the corner, peeting his ale and his eyes fixed on your friend and humble narrator. “'Ere! What are you gobbing at!” says Sam, “Come and catch one in the yarbles…if you have any yarbles!” Up comes this gent dressed in the height of fashion and govoreets in the high pretentious golloss of Gondor, “My my, but we have been a naughty fellow, have we not Mr. Frodo”. “I know not what you mean,” says I playing the innocent, “Good governor, I’ve been as good and stout a lad as any.” “Tut tut! But the millicents are on to you, and there will be no slap on the wrist this time. It will be off to the big house for you if they catch you. Nine millicents, great black fellows, and they know what you’ve taken…that pesky little ring eh?” ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/327 "2002-12-24T00:43:10Z")
31,000 views? Holy Schlamoley! Is that a record? Some diligent (or anal compulsive) doper will have to make an index of authors spoofed! ---
**Author:** ![tiernadris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@tiernadris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiernadris)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/328 "2002-12-24T01:08:46Z")
lol, I think it was that link from The One Ring. Net that did it… I guess… that’s where I came from 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Limmenel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ba8739/32.png) [@Limmenel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Limmenel)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/329 "2002-12-24T01:31:40Z")
I don’t think anyone has done this yet, but I saw a suggestion for it. Shakespeare’s Hamlet: ``` To destroy, or not to destroy: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to claim The ring and keep the outrageous fortune, Or to throw it into a sea of fire, And by destroying end it? To die: to destroy; No more; and by destroy to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand deaths That people are fate to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to destroy; To destroy: perchance to live: ay, there's the rub; For in that thought of destruction what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil... ``` Arg… I tried. I don’t think I even did it justice though. Someone please re-do this and do a better job at it. ~Aya~ [http://www.livejournal.com/users/limmenel](http://www.livejournal.com/users/limmenel) [http://envisioning.cjb.net](http://envisioning.cjb.net) ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/330 "2002-12-24T01:46:21Z")
Well, by the forgotten Vala warrior sibs Makar and Meassë, welcome to the TORN types! Ilyain antanentë lestanen i annar Ilúvataro. ---
**Author:** ![Rogue428](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Rogue428](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rogue428)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/331 "2002-12-24T02:14:42Z")
Aragorn gripped the reins to his horse tightly. He’d done this a thousand times but it still never got dull. He checked his flanks, Legolas on his right, Gimli on the left…both of them able fighters. Theoden, at the head of the formation, started the maneuver, “Forth Eorlingas!” he shouted and they all spurred their horses Forward. “Orcs!” Legolas shouted. Aragorn was somewhat annoyed “I know!” “Lots of them! And they’re Uruks!” Aragorn saw the first of several Uruks charging up the ramp. He gripped the reins and steered his horse into a tight turn, the centripedal force almost wrenching him from the saddle. At the same time he swung his sword arm out, letting the horse’s momentum do most of the work. He caught the first Uruks by surprise and all he heard was their staccatto screams which were abruptly cut off as his sword sliced their heads from their bodies. ---
**Author:** ![Pucky\_Schumer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@Pucky\_Schumer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucky_Schumer)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/332 "2002-12-24T02:20:01Z")
Wait, wait. I got it: **Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Ring** Tap tap tap tap. Clomp cla clomp clomp. Clomp clompa Clomp clompa Clomp clompa Clomp clompa CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP. CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP clomp clomp CLOMP (massive ovation.) ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/333 "2002-12-24T02:21:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by velvetrose \* > \*\*Lord of the Rings by Kevin Smith > or > Jay and Silent Bob Do Mordor > > Frodo - I dunno about you, Chubs… but I ain’t had any fucking weed in months and I am about ready to call the whole fuckin’ thing off. What the shit is with the stupid ring anyway? And that old dude with the stick… jesus fucking christ, was he watchin’ my ass or what? > > Sam - … > > Gollum - Nassssty little hobbitses… curse way too much. > > Frodo - Yo, when I want your fuckin opinion, slimy little shit… > > Sam - _holds Frodo back, looking at him reproachfully_ > > Frodo - _backing off_ Man, let’s get this fucking quest or whatever over with. I got some people waitin’ back home for their smokes and they owes me money and shit. > > _flips the ring_ > > Hey I wonder what kind of cock ring this thing would make? Be fuckin cool, huh? Chicks would dig it! Bet they got some kick-ass fuckin’ chicks in Mordor… it sounds like a fuckin-A place. > > Sam - _shakes head and keeps pulling Gollum along_ > > Gollum - Nasssty little Hobbit… curssssssesssss too much… hurtssssss my little earses… why does the fat one stay with him? > > Sam - _shrugs_ My precious… \*\* Bravo, I laughed me ass off on that one.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mythew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/edb3f5/32.png) [@Mythew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mythew)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/334 "2002-12-24T02:34:24Z")
I know a saw a Dr. Seuss post early on, but I couldn’t help myself. The Grinch of the Rings. Every down in Middle earth liked things a lot. But Suaron who lived on Mount Doom did not. Sauron hated Middle earth; every bit of it displeased him. Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his Room was just such a fright, Or it could be he lost his ring and his body in a fight. But I think, the most likely reason of all Was that since then he’s been nothing but one huge Flaming Eyeball. But whatever the reason, being an Eye or his Ring, He stood there all day hating everything. Staring down from Mount Doom Frowning as much as an eyeball can At the happiness of the elves and the dwarves and humans. For he knew every creature in middle earth Was Happy and free from his strife and his grief. “Somewhere out there” He snarled with a sneer “Frodo’s got my One Ring, and he’s Bringing it Here!” And he growled with his eyebrow nervously twitching. “I must find someway to stop the Fellowship from Coming! For someday I know, that stupid Hobbit boy will show up unexpected with my little bauble. And then, mark my words, there’s going to be trouble!” “Hobbits Hobbits Hobbits! If there’s one thing I hate it’s the Hobbits Hobbits HOBBITS! With their ‘Eleverntyfirsts’ and their Fuzzy feet, And there twenty-five meals that they constantly eat! It’s a wonder the butchers can cut all the meat! They smoke on their pipes and smoke awful pipe weed. And they drink and they drink gallons of mead! And then there are Elves that think they’re so pretty And Dwarves in their mines getting all kinds of dirty! And the lot of them ALL OF Them partying into the night No one can tell me that that is all right! But let’s not forget the biggest of pains! Those weak hearted, blundering awful humans! Look at them now, In Rivendell they’re gathered the lot. Making their plans, me they want to stop! Now they’re doing something I hate most of all. Leaving it up to Frodo, so puny and small. Nine others have joined him to destroy the ring! I’ll smite them for here if they start to sing!” The more he thought about this Fellowship thing The more Sauron thought; “I must stop this whole thing! Why for three ages I’ve put up with them now! I must stop them from coming! But how?” And then he got an idea. An Awful idea. Sauron got a wonderful awful idea. “I know just what to do!” He started to gloat. “I’ll enslave Saruman and have HIM sort it out!” He chuckled and clucked: “And then comes the trick. I’ll crush Saruman too like grapes under a brick!” “Now all I needs is a Palantir.” Sauron looked around But since Palantir’s were scarce there were few to be found. But did that stop Sauron? HA! He simply said “I’ll put one in Gondor and the other under Saruman’s bed!” Soon he had Saruman under his power And then the whole of Isengard tower. And as he turned his attention to the Steward of Gondor He told Saruman to make an army “Worthy of Mordor!” So Saruman started by ripping up the trees And making Uruk-hai he did with ease. “Go get those hobbits” Saruman said. “And bring them back here. The rest of the party you can tear off their ears!” Amon Hem was a mess, the fellowship didn’t care. They didn’t know the Uruk-hai would soon be there. But Boromir went and tried a stupid thing. The weak minded human tried to steal the one ring! The villains showed up before Boromir came to his senses But Merry and Pippin soon fell into their clutches. While Frodo and Sam headed to Mordor Aragon suggested hunting some ork. “The fellowships broke!” Sauron hissed As he watched Sam and Frodo head into the swampy mists. “But the ring is still coming!” He raged in a fit. “Since Saruman couldn’t do it I’ll let Gollum try for a bit!” But the Smeagul got stuck in his love for the ring And soon it became quit clear he couldn’t do this thing. “Oh that twisted freak” said Sauron “Will be the first one to go! I’ll string every one of them up all in a row!” Gollum slithered and slunk with ideas most unpleasant But to his dismay Samwise was always present. “Furnace Fire! Blazing Barns! Checkerboard Cheaters!” Sauron raged, “They’re getting closer and closer by meters!” He thought about packing his bags and making a run for it But then Sauron thought, they’re not all the way yet. “I’ve got a million Orks,” He reminded himself, “And that spider woman downstairs is in pretty good health. I won’t worry yet, but one thing I must do sooner than not Is call Saruman and get his report.” Then he went to the Palantir rang Saruman’s halls. “They’ve taken the walls! They’ve taken the yard!” Shouted into the call. “They’re Flooding the place like some kind of beasts! The Ents won’t even leave the sidewalk in one piece! We’re out of fighters and low stash, We’re right down to our last can of beef hash! Aragon kicked Wormtongue out of Rohan’s court you can see, And now,” Cried the wizard, “They’re all out to get me!” As he Cried and he wined, and started to weep, Sauron realized he had employed a true creep. He decided he’d better cut ties with him fast Before doom was set and the die was cast. Saruman stared at the dark lord and said “Sauron, why? Why are you abandoning me to these moving trees? Why?” But you know that old Sauron was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick. “My dear little man.” The old dark lord lied. “There’s no reason to panic, no reason to hide. I’ve dispatched an army to save you white rear To fix things up there, and then come back here.” And his fib fooled the man, thinking he’d saved his head “Why not have a drink and then go to bed.” And when the call was done and Saruman had his cup The giant Eye raged, “This all getting messed up!” Then he went into mount doom and he stoked up the fire And ranted and raved by the light of the pyre. The one speck of hope he had left for his plan Was that the spider monster would stop any man. Then he inspected the troops rousing them to be alert For two furry footed annoying spoil sport twerps. It was a quarter of dawn; all the orks still a bed All the nazgul still a snooze when came the news he had dread. His hope had been defeated, the Spiderwoman was beaten The hobbits must have snuck past while the guards had been eating! Ten thousand feet up, climbed the rotten little hobbit With his pal he was climbing, with the ring, there to dump it! “Oh NO!” Cried the dark lord, sick to his tummy “No matter what I do they just keep s’ coming! They’ll get to the top and I know just what they’ll do!” And the great eye blinked for a minute or two And all the Nazgul cried out BooHoo! “This is the moment that I have feared!” He paused, but a voice then came to his ear. But he didn’t vanish to nothing in a stunning blow. He heard a voice quiet and low But then it started to grow! Why this wasn’t sad. This voice sounded Mad! The Hobbit had made it to the very top after all And had gone as crazy as a square beach ball! And Sauron stared and blinked very slow. He watched puzzling. “How could this be so? The Hobbit had survived Moria! He survived the Orks! The Barlog! Gollum and that Boromir dork!” He watched puzzling as Frodo put on the ring. “I take the power!” The Hobbit said. “I will be the dark king!” And then Sauron thought of something he hadn’t before. Maybe Hobbits were really evil to the core! Maybe, perhaps, more evil than he ever was before! And what happened then, well in Gondor they say Gollum jumped out and he saved the day! And then his true meaning started to come through For Gollum was as strong as ten hobbits, plus two! And he wrestled with Frodo to get back his precious Gollum bit Frodo’s finger in an attack most vicious But Gollum fell back into the depths of Mount doom Taking the ring with him as he shouted “WHOOHOO!” And in the hot lava Smeagul was destroyed Along with the ring, Sauron’s greatest of toys. And Frodo was called the hero since no one new how close a thing Middle earth had ever come to having a crazy Hobbit for a king! ---
**Author:** ![Ghost\_of\_Ann\_Landers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Ghost\_of\_Ann\_Landers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghost_of_Ann_Landers)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/335 "2002-12-24T04:39:44Z")
**The Lord of the Rings Or, The Muppets Take Morder** by Jim Henson **Elves:** It’s time to pack the lembas, It’s time to fight the fights, It’s time to walk to Morder with the Fellowship tonight. **Orcs:** It’s time to put on chain mail, It’s time to dress up right, It’s time to give the business to the Fellowship tonight. **Gandalf:** Why did we ever come here? (whacks Saruman) **Saruman:** I guess we’ll never know. (grabs Gandalf’s beard) **Gandalf:** It’s like a kind of _torture_ (pokes Saruman in the eye) **Both:** To have to watch this show! (Saruman pushes Gandalf off the balcony) **Gollum (screams)** “My Precioussss!” (Gollum makes a run at Frodo, but he gets trampled by Dwarves, the Nazgul, three Ents and some Gondorian sheep) **Sheep:** Baaaaaaa! **Fellowship:** And now let’s get things started… **The Dead Men of Dunharrow:** Why don’t you get things started? **Frodo:** It’s time to get things started **All:** On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Tolkien-ational – This - is - what - we - call - the - Hobbit - Show! (Boromir blows his horn, then gets hacked to death by orcs) ---
**Author:** ![Mythew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/edb3f5/32.png) [@Mythew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mythew)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/336 "2002-12-24T05:38:24Z")
Ghost Of Ann Landers that was GREAT! Abbot and Costello. Gandalf looking for a ranger, has set up in a booth in the prancing pony and taking applicants. Gandalf: All right, you have to understand. These hobbits have some very strange names. Aragon: Realy? Gandalf: Well, we’ll be traveling with four Hobbits. The Ring bearer’s name is who, his gardener’s name is what, and then we have… Aragon: Wait a second. What’s the ring bearer’s name? Gandalf: No, that’s the gardeners’ name. Aragon: What? Gandalf: Yes. Aragon. Yes what? Gandalf: What are you talking about? Aragon: The ring bearer. I was asking his name. Gandalf: Who. Aragon: The Ring bearer, the hobbit with the One Ring. Gandalf: Who. Aragon: The one with the ring! Gandalf: Who! Aragon: The One with the RING! Gandalf: Who! Aragon: Ok, Fine, then what’s the Gardeners name? Gandalf: Yes. Aragon: Yes is the gardeners name? Gandalf: No! Aragon: then What Is the Gardeners name! Gandalf: That’s what I said! Aragon: All right, fine, just, fine. What about the other two? Gandalf: Ifor Get. Ida Know. Aragon: If you’re in charge of the quest you should find this stuff out. Gandalf: You keep up that attitude and I’ll find another ranger for this job. Aragon: Me? You don’t know who’s going on the quest. Gandalf: Of corse I do. We can’t go with out him! Aragon: Who? Gandalf: Yes. ---
**Author:** ![CyanideBreathmint](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4da419/32.png) [@CyanideBreathmint](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CyanideBreathmint)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/337 "2002-12-24T05:39:50Z")
Here’s my first post- I’d written it a while earlier, but nobody else seems to have done a Good Omens one. **Lord of the Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Prachett.** \*It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than billions of them so far, according to the _Silmarillion_, and rain was uncommon this time of the year. But clouds massing east of Isengard suggested that a thunderstorm was on the way, and it was going to be a big one. A wizard put his pipe between his teeth as the first drops fell. “I’m sorry,” he said politely. “What was it you were saying?” “I said, that one went down like a lead balloon.” said the other wizard. “Oh. Yes.” said the first wizard with the pipe, whose name was Gandalf the Gray. “I think it was a bit of an under-reaction on my part, to be honest,” said the other wizard. “I mean, first offense and leniency and everything. I can’t see why you missed the events happening in the Shire, unless you must have been smoking too much of that hobbit weed.” “It can’t be that bad,” reasoned Gandalf, in the slightly concerned tones of one who can’t see it either, and is worrying about it, “otherwise I wouldn’t have noticed when Radagast came to see me. And why aren’t you in white, come to think of it?” “White? White cloth can be dyed, a white page can be overwritten. White light can be broken. And have you any idea how high my laundry bill is? White just shows all the muck and grime.” said the other wizard, whose name was Saruman the White, although he was thinking of changing it now. White, he’d decided, was _not_ his color… “But it’s no longer white, is it?,” said Gandalf. “And you know, someone who breaks something just to see how it’d turn out is a plain bloody git. It’s down to your basic, you know. Color. Nothing personal, Saruman the White.” “You’ve got to admit it’s a bit of a pantomime, though,” said Saruman. “I mean, a new Power is rising, and we can’t really stand much against him, not with our old allies and all that rot. Not to mention, he provided me a new wardrobe as part of my new job benefits. Pretty good bargain, there. Maybe you could wear something other than gray.” “It’s best not to talk like that, Saruman,” said Gandalf. “I’ve heard speeches of that kind before, and they come straight out of Mordor.” They stood in embarrassed silence for a while, watching as fat drops of rain started to bruise the flowers. Eventually, Saruman said, “You did find the Ring, didn’t you? The one with the fiery writing on it.” “Er,” said Gandalf. A guilty expression passed across his face, and then came back and camped there. “You did, didn’t you?” said Saruman. “It’s supposed to flame like anything.” “Er. Well-” “It looked very impressive, I thought, with that Black Speech all over it.” “Yes, but. Well-” “Lost it, have you?” “Oh no! No, not exactly lost, more-” “Well?” Gandalf looked wretched. “If you must know,” he said a trifle testily, “Bilbo gave it away.” Saruman stared at him. “Well, I had to let him do it,” said Gandalf, rubbing his hands distractedly. “Frodo looked so sad, poor thing, and he’s lost Bilbo and all, and what with the vicious Black Riders and all out there, and the storm coming up, he’s \* just \*a poor little hobbit, and I thought well, where’s the harm so I just said look, if you stay in the Shire there’s going to be an almighty row, but you might be needing to carry this ring to Rivendell, so here it is, now go to the Prancing Pony in Bree and await my word, and all, just do me a favor and don’t let the Nazgul get you here.” He gave Saruman a worried grin. “That was the best cause, wasn’t it?” “I’m not sure if you could have done anything stupider, hobbit weed or no,” Saruman said sarcastically, lifting his staff and brandishing it menacingly at Gandalf. “Oh, I do hope not,” he said. “I really do hope that this may not prove to be one of the lighter matters,” Gandalf said, before Saruman levitated him all the way to the top of Orthanc, after hitting him about a few times. It was cold, wet and rainy up there, and Saruman came up to watch the rain for a while. “Funny thing is,” said Saruman, “I keep wondering if this whole Ruling Ring business was the point- I mean, Sauron seems really bent on getting his hands on it, and it winds up in the hands of a little hobbit from the Shire. I wonder if that whole palantir business was the smart thing to do.” The green meadow below was covered in crazed lines that glowed dimly in the miserable rain, the light of the furnaces below shining up the walls of the tower. “Not really,” said Gandalf, huddling against one of the stargazing pillars trying to keep out of the cold- Saruman wasn’t quite known for his hospitality, come to think of it. Saruman looked at the sky. “No,” he said, sobering up. “I suppose not.” Slate-black curtains tumbled over Isenguard. Thunder growled among the hills. The Uruk-Hai, freshly made, went about their usual business of lurking in the rain. Far away near the Ford of Bruinen, a tiny gold trinket flickered momentarily among the wet trees. And then the screams of the Nazgul pierced the air. It was going to be a dark and stormy night. \* -Mel ---
**Author:** ![Avalonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@Avalonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avalonian)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/338 "2002-12-24T05:47:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CyanideBreathmint \* > **The Uruk-Hai, freshly made, went about their usual business of lurking in the rain.** _laughing_ That was priceless, Mel! One of the best ones yet. ---
**Author:** ![Tari\_Elensar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Tari\_Elensar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tari_Elensar)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/339 "2002-12-24T06:12:35Z")
riverrun, past Galadriel and Celeborn’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Minas Tirith and Environs. Sir Aragorn, violer d’amores, fr’over the short sea, had passencore rearrived from the North Kingdom on this side the scraggy isthmus of Middle Earth to wielderfight his penisolate war: nor had topgollum’s rocks by the stream Anduin exaggerated themselse… ---
**Author:** ![Macadamia\_Oooh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Macadamia\_Oooh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macadamia_Oooh)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/340 "2002-12-24T06:57:46Z")
Ringballs: The Movie! In a section of Earth very, very, very near the middle… Uruk-hai: Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink… Dark Sauron: [pulls off his eye] I can’t see in this thing! Dark Sauron: Who made that man an archer? Archer: I did sir! He’s my cousin. Dark Sauron: Who is he? Col. Sarumanz: He’s a dork, sir. Dark Sauron: I know that! What’s his name? Col. Sarumanz: That is his name. Major de Orc. Dark Sauron: And his cousin? Col. Sarumanz: He’s a de Orc too, sir. Archer’s mate, first class, Philip de Orc. Dark Sauron: How many dorks we got in this tower, anyhow? [Orcs shout “Yo!”] Dark Sauron: I knew it! I’m surrounded by dorks! Keep firing dorks! Nazgul 1: What happened, where’d the she-elf go? Nazgul 2: I don’t know sir, she must have secret hyperjets on that horse! Nazgul 1: What do we have on this thing, a cuisinart? Elrond: Ok Frodo, welcome to real life. You want this Ring of Power? You carry it! Frodo: Pick that up! Elrond: YOU pick that up! Dark Sauron: Now that I have my coffee, I’m ready to watch my radar. Where is it? Col. Sarumanz: Here it is sir, Mr. Palantir. Col Sarumanz: I have an idea! Orc! Get me a copy of Two Towers the movie! Sauron: Have you found anything yet? Nazgul: We ain’t found shit! Forget the Ring! The Ring is bupkiss. I found it in a cracker jack box. The Gollum is in you, Lone Frrodo! It’s in you! DARK SAURON: (imitating Frodo) No. No, please, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No you are mine. (imitating Samwise) Not so fast, SAURON. (mask down voice) Samwise. (imitating Samwise) Yes, it’s me. I’m here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you are going to die. (imitating Samwise) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating Aragorn) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing I’m going to do to you, big boy. (imitating Gimli) Oh, ohhh. (mask down voice) And you too. (imitating Legolas) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess Frodo, at last we are alone. (imitating Frodo) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone…yet, I find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do. Hobbit princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I have both, and you know it. (imitating Frodo) No, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No, kiss me. (imitating Frodo) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you’re eye is so big. Forget the Ring! The Ring is bupkiss. I found it in a cracker jack box. The Gollum is in you, Lone Frrodo! It’s in you! If you can read this, you don’t speak Elvish. ---
**Author:** ![skruloos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@skruloos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skruloos)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2002, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/341 "2002-12-24T07:18:55Z")
Just found this thread and thought it was interesting. I thought I’d contribute my own. I know it was done before, but I thought I’d attempt what I thought was a bit closer to Kevin Smith’s actual style of writing. CHASING SAURON EXT. FIELD – DAY FRODO and SAM are sitting, taking a breather from their long journey. FRODO No way. It would never happen! SAM Why not? FRODO Because Superman doesn’t swing that way. I think it’s a big point that in the history of DC comics, they’ve never made a “Supes is Gay” story. SAM Be that as it may, I think the creators of Smallville have decided to forego established comics continuity in favor of a more risqué relationship between Lex and Clark. I mean, Christ, it’s the new millennium. It was bound to happen sooner or later. FRODO How did I go from waxing intellectual about the merits of this foolhardy quest to discussing the very secret life of Clark and Lex? Pippen and Silent Merry enter from behind rows of corn. PIPPEN (off FRODO) Look at this confused motherfucker over here. What’s got your panties in a bunch, Charlie Brown? FRODO Oh great. Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber. PIPPEN (to Silent Merry) Heh. He called you Dumb. Later on… INT. BALIN’S TOMB A distant rumble can be heard over the sound of drums. FRODO pulls Sting partly out of its scabbard. Sting GLOWS blue, signalling that there are orcs nearby. PIPPEN (off Sting) Like a motherfucking lightsaber and shit. Suddenly, the door comes crashing down. A horde of orcs rush through. The fellowship run into the fray, swords slashing, Akira Kurosawa-style. The fight is broken when a roar is heard. BOROMIR Fuck. They’ve got a cave troll. The CAVE TROLL breaks down what remains of the door. It swings its club furiously, knocking down fellowship members and orcs alike. Pippen runs and hides behind a rock. Silent Merry stands up in the face of the TROLL. ## PIPPEN Yeah, fatass, yeah!!! Take down that dirty troll like it was the Rancor, Skywalker-style! That’s all I have for now. Still thinking of other ideas. Input and criticism would be much appreciated. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=16) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=18)