# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 21
**Author:** ![Poyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9f8e36/32.png) [@Poyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poyle)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2002, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/402 "2002-12-25T22:21:40Z")
My first post, and I’m so happy it hasn’t been done so far. My Precious, light of my life, fire of my being. My sin, My soul. My-pre-cious: the tip of the finger taking a trip of three steps down the knuckles to tap, at three, on the metal. My. Pre. Shuss. She was a Ring, a plain Ring, in the beginning, glimmering under the waters some leagues below. She was the One Ring to Saurun. She was finder’s bounty for Bilbo. She was The Ring of Power on the dotted line. But on my finger she was always My Precious. Did I owe her to aprecursor? I did, indeed I did. In point of fact, there might never have been my precious at all – a shudder at that thought – had not Saurun longed, years ago, for a certain amount of power. Oh when? About as many ages ago as, in my reckonning, have past since my precious was taken from me by a certain hobbit. You can always count on a ringbearer for a fancy prose style. Ladies and gentlemen of middle-earth, exhibit number one is what the ancients, the misinformed, noble kings of the ancients, buried. Look at this tangle of thorns. [Openning Passages from “My Precious: Confessions of Black Befallen Male” by J. R R. Nabokov] ---
**Author:** ![nalex2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@nalex2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nalex2)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2002, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/403 "2002-12-25T22:33:07Z")
Breathe…one…two…one…two…breathe…in…pain…out…pain…in… the firery breath of orcs in my face … pain…breathe…in…out… feet fastened by festoons to the fabric and feels faint in the drifting in and out one…two…one…two… Fictional fragment found in shoe rumoured to have belonged to Samuel Beckett but not approved for publication, anywhere or at any time. On the reverse was a shopping list. Authentic? We dought it. ---
**Author:** ![Elusis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3da27b/32.png) [@Elusis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elusis)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2002, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/404 "2002-12-25T22:36:15Z")
“Hello, Mr. Smeagol” by Tori Tolkien Hello, Mr. Smeagol Can I have your precious Cause it’s gold, gold gold Round a hole, hole, hole Elbereth, Githoniel Sometimes you’re not feeling well With a gigantic flaming eye to blow your mi-ind Hello Mr. Smeagol Ran into some confusion With A Ms. Galadriel-el-el Dead Marshes, we’re marching on You think you’re Sauron’s Nazgul Or an Easterling Oliphaunt To blow your mind [little piano riff] Figure it out! He’s a good-time Stinker He’s got a little finger In his mouth and so he bites Figure it out! He’s a good-time Slinker Too bad the lava bath was premature She said, and smiled ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/405 "2002-12-26T00:01:10Z")
Could anyone do “We’re Going to War” from _Duck Soup_? ---
**Author:** ![marilyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b782af/32.png) [@marilyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marilyn)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/406 "2002-12-26T00:28:30Z")
Rogers and Hammerstein version: Song 1. Frodo and the other 8 travelers. (?How do you solve a problem like Maria??) How do you solve a problem like Moria? How do you catch an orc and bring it down? How do you find a word that means Moria? A tunnel of darkness? A mountain of mist? Khazad-dúm? Many a thing you know would like to kill you. Many a thing will stop you getting through. But how do you break away And run for the light of day? How do you make sure Gandalf makes it too? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Moria? How, do you keep your . . . sword . . . from . . . glow-ing . . . bluuuuuuuuuue? Song 2. Inside Moria. Battle scene. (?I Have Confidence?) Frodo: [spoken] A troll with armies of orcs . . . what’s so fearsome about that? [sung] It ought to be so exciting, to be fighting like this in the cave! I’ve always wanted adventure . . . Then why can’t I be brave . . . Oh . . . I have confidence in Gandalf! I have confidence in Sam! I have confidence that spring will come again! Besides which I sing, I have confidence in Sting! Sting doesn’t cut you lightly! Sting doesn’t bite in vain! Sting bites a troll with careful fingers, when he comes out, Come out! It’s healthy, I have confidence in Elrond! Everything will turn out fine! I have confidence in confidence alone . . . Besides which I sing, I have con-fi-dence in Stiiiiiiiing! [Stabs troll. Close-up on triumphant face. Fade to black.] Song 3. Around the campfire. Night. Sam, teaching the others to sing. (?Do, Re, Mi?) [Sam, speaking.] Now guys, singing is very easy, once you learn the rules. [sings]When you read you begin with? [Pippen] ABC! [Sam] and when you sing, you being with Fro, ray, me. [others echo] Fro, ray, me. [Sam] The first 3 notes just happen to be, fro ray, me. [others echo] Fro, ray, me. [Sam] Fro ray me ha foe claw glee . . . oh, let’s see if I can make this easier. Fro, do dear, a hobbit dear, Ray, a light from Gandalf’s staff, Me, a name I call myself, Ha, a pleasant elfish laugh. Foe, a guy from Sauron’s team, Claw, upon an orc-y?s toe, Glee, a trait we sometimes show, That will bring us back to Fro-oh-oh-do, [All] Fro! Do dear! A hobbit dear! (etc.) [Sam speaks again] Now, to make a song, we just put the notes together like this. Foe, fro, claw, ha, me, fro, ray. Foe, fro, claw, glee, fro, ray, fro. [Aragorn]: But it doesn’t mean anything! [Sam] Then we put words to it, like this: When you go to Riven-dell, You will have a tale to tell! [Aragorn] This is fun! [excited, the fellowship begins to run around and sing] [repeat chorus] Song 4. Aragorn comforts the others during a snow storm. (?My Favorite Things?) [Speaking.] Now, whenever I’m afraid, I just think of a few of my favorite things. [Merry] Like what, Aragorn? [Aragron] Well . . .fireballs from dragons and wine from our elf-friends. Gandalf and Arwen and Bilbo’s brass bookends, [music starts] Crowns that would fit on the foreheads of kings, these are a few of my favorite things, Bright steel scabbards and warm silver armor, Swords that will swing from the arm of a farmer, Silver-white horses that leap out of springs, These are a few of my favorite things! Dwarves with long beards in the midst of a melée, Passing warriors which I jump out and waylay, Poems in Elvish with lengthy refrains, These are a few of my favorite things? When the orc bites, When the troll stings, When the balrog?s mad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don’t feeeeeeel, so, baaaaaaaaaad!!! [repeat chorus.] Song 5. Gollum. In a clearing, eyes glowing. (?Edelweiss?) My precioussss, my preciousssss, every night I pursue you, Small and gold, clean and cold, Other eyes look right through you. Little gold ring, it’s for you I sing. Let him have you? Never!, My preciousss, my preciousss, you’re my precioussss forever. My precioussss, my precioussss, Nasty hobbitses take you. Me they’ll find, right behind, I will never forsake you. You are my present, my birthday gift, I am sly and clever, My preciousss, my precioussss, You’re my preciousss forever. Song 6. Full company. Sauron. (?The Lonely Goat-herd?) High in a tower, a threat’ning warcry, lay-ee-oh, lay-ee-oh, lay-hee-ho. A ?bend to my power, resist no more? cry, lay-dee-oh, lay-dee-oh, lay. Orcs on the hill, smeared with blood and gore cry lay-ee-oh, lay-ee-oh, lay-hee-ho. ?We want to fight and to kill some more!?, cry lay-dee-oh, lay-dee-oh, lay. Elves in their strongholds of days of yore cry lay-ee-oh, lay-ee-oh, lay-hee-ho. But there’s a surprise from Sauron in store. Cry lay-dee-oh, lay-dee-oh, lay. Galadriel’s forces can take no more, cry lay-ee-oh, lay-ee-oh, lay-hee-ho. ?Empe ar leminkaínen lingane temnor,? cry lay-dee-oh, lay-dee-oh, lay. Blackness and filth in the land Mordor cry, lay-ee-oh, lay-ee-oh, lay-hee-ho. Circling ravens cackling as they soar cry lay-dee-oh, lay-dee-oh, lay. [Sauron: evil laughter] Lay-de-laaaay-ohhhh, Lay-de-leeeee-ohhhh, Lay-de-laaaay-ohhhh, Lay-de-lay-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, Lay-de-laaaay-ohhhh, Lay-de-leeeee-ohhhh, Lay-de-laaaay-ohhhh, Lay-de-lay-ha-ha-ha-ha. ?Oh, I am rotten right to the core, cry lay-ee-oh, lay-ee-oh, lay-hee-ho. Neither entreaty will soften me, nor cry. Lay-dee-oh, lay-dee-oh, lay. ?My deeds will live on in your tales and lore, cry lay-ee-oh, lay-ee-oh, lay-hee-ho. Soon we’ll see who’s calling who a bore. Cry lay-dee-oh, lay-dee-oh, lay. ?Gandalf the grey lies inside earth’s core, cry lay-ee-oh, lay-ee-oh, lay-hee-ho. He should have run faster for the door, cry lay-dee-oh, lay-dee-oh, lay. ?Happy am I, lay-de-oh, lay-de-lee-oh, Oh, lay-do-oh, lay-de-lay-eeee-oh! Soon little trav’lers will turn and flee-oh, Lay-de-oh, lay-de-oh, lay. Hey! ---
**Author:** ![Tanis\_Fane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Tanis\_Fane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanis_Fane)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/407 "2002-12-26T00:31:26Z")
MALIS by Philip K Dick (acronym for: Mordor’s Atrocity Left In Spirit) Smeagol called the Gollom’s nervous breakdown began the day he went fishing with his friend, Deagol, who found a pretty Ring. He asked Deagol if he could have it, since it was his birthday. But Deagol replied that he had already given Smeagol a present, and was keeping the Ring for himself. At once, Smeagol leaped to the conclusion that this was Deagol’s way of insulting him on his birthday. It would be Smeagol’s delusion for years that the Ring was his. He murdered his friend Deagol, and he would wander, cursing the sun and everything under it, until he lived by an underground lake. And there, one day, he lost his precious Ring That’s where Smeagol began to go nuts. At the time he didn’t know it, but he had been drawn into an unspeakable game. There was no way out. Frodo Baggins was, by birth, a hobbit. His life was a fantasy. Nevertheless, he’s the one who became the bearer of the Ring, and got zapped by the Red Eye which communicated to him unspeakable things. Frodo’s journey was recorded in his late Uncle’s unfinished journal. His encounters with the minions of the Dark Lord Sauron was all there on the pages in his own handwriting. Frodo’s handwriting. Not Sauron’s. ---
**Author:** ![Fiat\_Lux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ea666f/32.png) [@Fiat\_Lux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiat_Lux)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/408 "2002-12-26T01:19:58Z")
You don’t know nearly enough about anything about the Ring. ‘The One Ring, it’s like big-ass magic’, said Tom Bombadil. Frodo closed his eyes and inhaled the rich smoke of Bombadil’s pure Old Forest black hash. _gandalf is screaming_ ‘It can, like, turn you invisible. Make you a dark lord, or a ring-wraith, man. Isildur got his hands on it when his bunch formed an alliance with those GILGALAD elf bastards to kick the big red eye’s big red ass, but the whole thing turned crazy’ ‘I don’t believe you’ ‘That’s because you don’t know nearly enough about anything about the Ring’, said Bombadil. ‘And your mind’s switched off’ _gandalf is still screaming_ You’re not listening to me, Meriadoc. Tell me where the One Ring is. We represent the Urak-Hai ORC organization. You’ve heard of us, haven’t you? NOW. Tell me where the One Ring is! _Three rings for the elven kings under the sky Seven for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone Twenty three because twenty three is the most discordant number Scooby-dooby-doo_ ‘Bombadil! Boromir!’, said Pippin suddenly. Sam was in the corner performing graphic sex acts with Goldberry. ‘What?’, asked Frodo. ‘Isn’t it obvious? Their names… he was so smug, that bastard, he evn let it be similar. _They’re the same person!_’ _lalalallalalal. I’m cleverer than you are_ ‘You haven’t even met Boromir yet. We’re still in the first part of the book. Anyway, Bombadil works for Galadriel’s splinter faction of ELF. Boromir hates them!’ ‘Frodo. There is no such organization as ELF. It was created by Gandalf in the Second Age as a front organization for the real conspiracy ELVES’ ‘How do you know?’ ‘Because I and my four quintuplets have been working for the Nazgul conspiracy all along’ Fnord -excerpt from ‘Stuff You Didn’t Know That I’m Not Going To Tell You About The Lord of the Rings’, by Robert Anton Wilson ---
**Author:** ![Taxine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b77776/32.png) [@Taxine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taxine)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/409 "2002-12-26T02:32:41Z")
_The sun, now high, shone down upon the mountains, light turning black mountains now grey, now white, and every crack and pebble were silhouetted against the white cliffs like broken twigs against the snow. The light penetrated the hobbit-hole window, saturated it, until it became a fierce halogen sun of its own, scattering haphazard bolts of light across the translucent wooden stools, the translucent maps, the pungent hobbit-weed._ “The marsh is cold,” said Frodo, "and I am in it. It is time for crossing this marsh, this inevitable moor, the thick noxious air interspersed with humming insects. I am weighted down with my triumph, with my terror. Sam is here. He is not weighted, he does not know the chilly squeeze of the Ring. I see his careful step, his thick feet like a dainty oliphant stepping from patch to patch of stabbing grass. With his dainty oliphant feet he carefully steps from patch to patch. He has no contradictions, he does not triumph and tremble. I could range with visionary brilliance across the clouds and through the mountains, but I cannot carefully step from patch to patch with dainty oliphant feet. “Now Smeagol beckons. He cowers and shrinks and calls with his blue-skinned limbs. This is how I will destroy the Ring: with power and with desire, plunging clumsily into the thick waters that surround me.” “Frodo is falling,” said Sam. "I am not fast enough. Gollum is fast and he pulls him from the mucous bog. Now Frodo is in the world again, and my jealousy burns in combination with my relief. But which is relief, which jealousy? Now which do I hate, and which do I love? "Gollum is brittle and he is fast. Frodo watches with unctuous eyes the cooling, the slow petering out of the planet. I am black and fertile like the aerated soil, I will never be a part of the corruption and the abstracting of the world. And yet I walk when they walk, and yet I beat the one and scold the other. “Now Frodo has wiped the oleaginous water from his face. Full of hate and love I lead, I follow, and with careful feet tread from patch to cracking patch of grey and dying grass.” ---
**Author:** ![Azathoth006](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Azathoth006](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azathoth006)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/410 "2002-12-26T02:34:28Z")
Well, I dunno if anyone’s tried either of those (too many pages to slog through) but here’s my takes on LotR…the first is based off the anime Akira, Saruman: GANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALF!!! Gandalf: SARUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! Saruman: GANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALF!!! Gandalf: SARUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! And now, to make up for that horrid show… Neil Gaiman’s The Lord of Ringes (note that asterisks represent internal monologue) Scene: The Dhoom Club, where all the horrid legions of Mordor come to relax, and enjoy a good show. Usually a good show involves at least three deaths. On the stage stand Smeagol, dressed rather garishly, and Frodo, wearing a black suit and hat. A single microphone stands between them, and a spotlight shines on either of them. Gandalf and Sauron sit in a private box, watching the exchange with much interest. Smeagol: “sss, welcome, ladies and gennelmen, to another thrill-packed evening of funfunfun here at the Dhoom club. I am your host, Smeagol, true owner of the one ring, finder of the precious. Tonight, for your entertainment, and–SSS—delectation…a formal challenge. As the challenged, I set the meter and take first move. And the challenger is Frodo, once the master of the One Ring… ssso let’s have a big hand for–THE SANDM-errr, RINGBEARER!” Frodo: _It has been long since I was forced to play such games with monsters. I rise slowly, approach the stage. Around me a soft susurrus of sound, and a languorous, ironic applause. "The Dhoom Club. It feels like a bad joke. And like everything else in Mordor, it is deadly serious._ Smeagol: "ssso… You know the rules, ringbearer? If you win, I will return your ring. If you lose, you will ssserve as a plaything of Mordor, for eternity. Our ssslave. " Frodo nods his assent. Smeagol: "Very well. I have the first move. I am a Warg, prey-stalking, lethal prowler. " Frodo: _My move._ “I am a rider of Rohan, horse-mounted, warg-stabbing.” _I smell spilt ale, stale tabac smoke and cheap sex, perfume and mold. And I feel the grass beneath my hooves, the flanks between my legs. All is real. Nothing is real. Smeagol’s move._ Smeagol: “I am a midge, horse-ssstinging, rider-throwing.” Frodo: _There are many ways to lose the oldest game. Failure of nerve, hesitation…being unable to shift into a defensive shape. Lack of imagination._ “I am a spider, eight-legged, midge-consuming.” Smeagol: “I am a sssnake, ssspider-devouring, poison-toothed.” Frodo: “I am a dwarf, poison-resistant, snake-crushing, heavy-bearded.” _I feel the snake writhe beneath my foot, its spine crushed._ Smeagol: “I am a Balrog, flame and smoke, dwarf-ssslaying.” Frodo: _A change in direction, but still an old gambit. I think…I think I understand how Smeagol plays. How I can turn it against him. I think I will abandon the offensive._ “I am a world, space-floating, life-nurturing.” Smeagol: I am the One Ring, world-ruling. Frodo: “I am the Universe–all things encompassing, all life embracing.” Smeagol: "I am anti-life, the beassst of judgement. I am the dark at the end of everything. The end of universesss, godsss, worldsss… of everything. Sss, and what will YOU be THEN, ringbearer? Frodo: “I am hope.” Smeagol: “Oh. Then I am…sss. I…I don’t know.” Merry Christmas, btw. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Epigramcracker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5e9695/32.png) [@Epigramcracker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epigramcracker)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/411 "2002-12-26T03:49:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Limmenel \* > \*\ ***Epigramcracker** , you’re “Night Before Christmas” version is absolutely great! How long did it take you to get all of that to rhyme? > > 😃 > > ~Aya~ > [http://www.livejournal.com/users/limmenel](http://www.livejournal.com/users/limmenel) > [http://envisioning.cjb.net](http://envisioning.cjb.net) \*\* THANKS! Wow, yeah, I have to say–that one came in a sort of blinding flash of inspiration. My dad challenged me to write it at 10:45 on Christmas Eve and “I spoke not a word but went straight to my work.” So yeah, about twenty minutes I guess. XDD Thanks though–I’m considering entering that in my life’s portfolio. -epi ---
**Author:** ![FlamingoLord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c6cbf5/32.png) [@FlamingoLord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlamingoLord)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/412 "2002-12-26T06:08:11Z")
RINGNET [Music (lost of brass)] DUUUM-da-Dum-dum. DUUUUM-da-Dum-dum-DAAAAAAA… [Narrator] “Ladies and gentlemen, the epic you are about to see is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.” [Clipped, almost-uninflected voice takes over] “This is the city. Hobbiton, the Shire. I work here. I carry a staff. My name’s Gandalf.” ---
**Author:** ![Xuanwu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/258eb7/32.png) [@Xuanwu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xuanwu)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/413 "2002-12-26T06:14:25Z")
Ring Talk with Dr. Laura Laura: Okay, our next caller, you’re on. Caller: Hi, my name is Arwen. I’m in love with a younger man. However, I think he’s interested in someone more his own age. I was wondering - Laura: How much younger are we talking about here? Arwen: Well, he’s in his 30’s, and I’m nearing 1000. Anyway, my question is - Laura: What a minute! What are you doing running around with a man whose over 900 years younger than you? What kind of sick freak shacks up with an young chippie? Do you have some kind of self-esteem problem? Arwen: Well, I’m an elf. We live a - Laura: An ELF?! So you’re one of those tree hugging hippie bastards whose always stoned or on acid! No wonder he’s interested in someone else! Not only are you old enough to be his ancestor, you’re probably wandering into his house late at night wasted out of your mind from some strange elfish ritual! Arwen: That’s not - Laura: Shut up! I’m on a roll! My advice is that you date someone your own age and for GOD’S SAKE stop dropping fairy acid. It adds years to your skin. I should know. Next caller! – I made up the ages, but I think you get the point… ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Bastion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bc79bd/32.png) [@Dark\_Bastion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Bastion)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/414 "2002-12-26T06:51:41Z")
Someone please take this idea to it’s fullest, but all I know is that it would involve raunchy puppets and somehow, someway, we’d see zombies/ghosts/mummies doin’ the nasty. Dead Marshes, anyone? ---
**Author:** ![Valandar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/2acd7d/32.png) [@Valandar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valandar)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/415 "2002-12-26T07:41:33Z")
The Mordor Horror, by HP Lovecraft When a traveller in Middle Earth takes the wrong fork at the junction of Isildur pike just beyond Moria he comes upon a lonely and curious country. The ground gets higher, and the brier-bordered stone walls press closer and closer against the ruts of the dusty, curving road. The trees of the frequent forest belts seem too large, and the wild weeds, brambles and grasses attain a luxuriance not often found in settled regions. At the same time the planted fields appear singularly few and barren; while the sparsely scattered houses wear a surprisingly uniform aspect of age, squalor, and dilapidation. Without knowing why, one hesitates to ask directions from the gnarled solitary figures spied now and then on crumbling doorsteps or on the sloping, rock-strewn meadows. Those figures are so silent and furtive that one feels somehow confronted by forbidden things, with which it would be better to have nothing to do. When a rise in the road brings the mountains in view above the deep woods, the feeling of strange uneasiness is increased. The summits are too rounded and symmetrical to give a sense of comfort and naturalness, and sometimes the sky silhouettes with especial clearness the queer circles of tall stone pillars with which most of them are crowned. Gorges and ravines of problematical depth intersect the way, and the crude wooden bridges always seem of dubious safety. When the road dips again there are stretches of marshland that one instinctively dislikes, and indeed almost fears at evening when unseen whippoorwills chatter and the fireflies come out in abnormal profusion to dance to the raucous, creepily insistent rhythms of stridently piping bull-frogs. The thin, shining line of the river’s upper reaches has an oddly serpent-like suggestion as it winds close to the feet of the domed hills among which it rises. As the hills draw nearer, one heeds their wooded sides more than their stone-crowned tops. Those sides loom up so darkly and precipitously that one wishes they would keep their distance, but there is no road by which to escape them. Across a covered bridge one sees a small village huddled between the stream and the vertical slope of Mount Doom, and wonders at the cluster of rotting gambrel roofs bespeaking an earlier architectural period than that of the neighbouring region. It is not reassuring to see, on a closer glance, that most of the houses are deserted and falling to ruin, and that the broken-steepled church now harbours the one slovenly mercantile establishment of the hamlet. One dreads to trust the tenebrous tunnel of the bridge, yet there is no way to avoid it. Once across, it is hard to prevent the impression of a faint, malign odour about the village street, as of the massed mould and decay of centuries. It is always a relief to get clear of the place, and to follow the narrow road around the base of the hills and across the level country beyond till it rejoins the Isildur pike. Afterwards one sometimes learns that one has been through Mordor… … ‘Fifteen year’ gone,’ he rambled, ‘I heered Ol’ Gandalf say as haow some day we’d hear a child o’ Arwen’s a-callin’ its father’s name on the top o’ Sentinel Hill…’ But Samwise interrupted him to question the Gondor men anew. ‘What was it, anyhaow, an’ haowever did young Wizard Saruman call it aout o’ the air it come from? An’ what’s with that gold ring?’ Aragorn chose his words very carefully. 'It was - well, it was mostly a kind of force that doesn’t belong in our part of space; a kind of force that acts and grows and shapes itself by other laws than those of our sort of Nature. We have no business calling in such things from outside, and only very wicked people and very wicked cults ever try to. There was some of it in Saruman himself - enough to make a devil and a precocious monster of him, and to make his passing out a pretty terrible sight. I’m going to burn his accursed diary, and if you men are wise you’ll dynamite that ring up there, and pull down all the standing stones on the other hills. Things like that brought down the beings those Wizards were so fond of - the beings they were going to let in tangibly to wipe out the human race and drag the earth off to some nameless place for some nameless purpose. ‘But as to this thing we’ve just sent back - the Wizards raised it for a terrible part in the doings that were to come. It grew fast and big from the same reason that Saruman grew fast and big - but it beat him because it had a greater share of the outsideness in it. You needn’t ask how Saruman called it out of the air. He didn’t call it out. It was his twin brother, Sauron, but it looked more like the father than he did!’ ---
**Author:** ![Istari\_Inc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/57b2e6/32.png) [@Istari\_Inc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Istari_Inc)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/416 "2002-12-26T09:05:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Xuanwu \* > \*\*Ring Talk with Dr. Laura > > \*\* PERFECT!!! Thank you!😃 ---
**Author:** ![Istari\_Inc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/57b2e6/32.png) [@Istari\_Inc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Istari_Inc)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 9:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/417 "2002-12-26T09:26:24Z")
Well, I tried to adapt one of the great speeches of mankind to a LOTR theme. Maybe not the best, and I encourage anyone to do better than me:) **The Pelennor Fields Address, by King Aragorn Elessar** One Age and seven years ago our fathers brought forth in these lands a new kingdom, conceived by faithful Numenorans and dedicated to the proposition that all – men, elves, hobbits, dwarves, but NOT minions – are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great was against the Dark Lord, Sauron the Deceiver, testing whether this realm, or any realm so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of these Pelennor Fields as a final resting place for those who gave their lives that this kingdom might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men and assorted beings, living or dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or distract. Middle Earth will little note nor remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us, the living, rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – that from those honoured dead we take increased devotion – that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that our realms under the Valar shall have a new birth of freedom, and that rule of the people, by me, King Elessar, for all men in these lands shall not perish again from this our Middle Earth. ---
**Author:** ![cerberus\_uberunderdog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a8b319/32.png) [@cerberus\_uberunderdog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerberus_uberunderdog)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 10:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/418 "2002-12-26T10:12:11Z")
EOWULF - Anonymous No one knows where the poem Eowulf was composed, or by whom, when or why. The poem, having survived the ages through pieced-together legends passed down through generations, was finally pieced together and recorded for posterity in the most recent century. What follows is an excerpt: A great shadow descended Horrific winged creature with wicked rider A threatening shape, black-mantled, with a crown of steel Between rim and robe only a deadly gleam of eyes A great black mace he wielded Theoden’s knights lay slain about him Yet one stood there still—Dernhelm Faithful beyond fear, with Merry at his side This bloody battle, to stand til the fighting Is done. Or war will sweep them to bitter death. Meaning to stand, not run from the deadly eyes, To stand between the Nazgul and his prey, to protect The King, to stand til fate decides which side wins. No man could hope to defeat this horrible monster No man could try. Yet a sword rang out as it was drawn. No living man was she—the Nazgul looked upon a woman The shield-maiden Eowulf, protecting her lord and kin The winged creature screamed at her defiance, whilst Its rider was silent, suddenly Doubting the fate he’d forseen Then, slow-kindled courage, Merry crawled To face their foe, for pity of she called Dernhelm Unbeknownst to the deadly eyes of their enemy Their malice drawn to the woman before him Merry clenched his sword—let her not face death unaided Eowulf, helm of her secrecy fallen, So fair and so desperate Eyes grey, hard and fell, tears on her cheek Sword in her hand, shield raised, her face Of one seeking death, having no hope The great beast beats its hideous wings Giving wind of its foul stench As it swiftly fell down upon Eowulf, Shrieking and striking, set on slaughter Wretched and horrific mass brandishing beak and claw She did not flinch—swift stroke she dealt, skilled, deadly Her sword sliced cleanly its outstretched neck, Its hewn head fell like a stone She sprang back as the huge shape crumpled and shadow passed A light fell about her, her hair shone in the sunrise Alas, from the wreckage, the Black Rider rose, Tall and threatening, towering above her He vented his mace with a venomous shriek Shattering her shield and arm into shivers To her knees she stumbled. He raised his mace to kill. Suddenly stumbling, shrieking, his stroke went wide, Merry’s sword had stabbed him from behind, Piercing the sinew behind his mighty knee. Eowulf! Eowulf! She struggled and rose, still brave, still strong With her last strength, driving her sword twixt crown and mantle Her sword sparkled as it shattered into many shards As the crown rolled away with a clang, Its cry faded to shrill wailing as the air shuddered The wind swallowed the bodiless voice, Never to sound again in that age of this world. Eowulf fell forward upon her fallen, now shapeless, foe Merry stood in the midst of the slain, His sorrow, his tears blinding him, through a mist He looked on fair Eowulf, she lay and did not move Her victory worthy of a song ---
**Author:** ![burbur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@burbur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burbur)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/419 "2002-12-26T10:17:56Z")
(not entirely a writing style but this song has been stuck in my head for days) \don’t be fooled by the ring that I’ve got i’m still i’m still Frodo from the Shire i used to know little but now i’ve seen alot no matter where i go i find myself in a mire\ - B. Frodo - Froddy from the Block ---
**Author:** ![brilliant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@brilliant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brilliant)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/420 "2002-12-26T13:22:25Z")
_The Vampire Legolas_ **by Anne Rice, writing as Arwen Risali** (please excuse my english; it is not my first language) I’m certain many of you know me. And for those of you who don’t, let this be love at first sight. My hair is luscious and glaringly blonde, kept to perfection; my eyes, a startling blue. I am the beauty for which all fan-girls sing their songs. I am Legolas, nearly 3000 years old. You may have been anxious as my last adventure left me in, say, dire straits I suppose. Well, my darlings, worry not, your king has arisen. (Sorry, burst of inspiration after reading the first part of _Queen of the Damned_ :rolleyes:) ---
**Author:** ![TelcontarStorm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3ab097/32.png) [@TelcontarStorm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TelcontarStorm)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2002, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/421 "2002-12-26T13:44:39Z")
**Brilliant** Welcome to the SDMB!!! I hope you stick around! You did just wonderful. As for English being your second language, dosn’t matter. You did just as well as some of us who’ve used the dang language our whole lives. Keep up the good work. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=20) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=22)