# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 28
**Author:** ![outlawmws](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9de0a6/32.png) [@outlawmws](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlawmws)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/542 "2002-12-30T07:46:36Z")
Sam and Frodo SING! (To the tune of, OMG, Green Acers!) Baaaag Eeeend is the place to be! Hobbiton living is the life for me! Land spreading out so far and wide Keep Mordor, just give me that country side No, Mount Doom is where I have to go, Tossing the ring into the lava flow I just adore a flaming pit Sammy I love ya, but I must get rid of it! The orcs! The porks! Foul air! Six squares! You cover my ass! Good-bye Rosie lass! Crack of Dooooom, weee areeee there!!! ---
**Author:** ![outlawmws](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9de0a6/32.png) [@outlawmws](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlawmws)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/543 "2002-12-30T08:04:02Z")
Arwin and Aragorn feel left out… Minas Tirith is the place to be Citadell living is the life for me! Fiefs spreading out so far and wide! Keep the Havens just give me that Middle Earth country side No. Rivendell is where I’d rather be! I get bored with Fellowship Company! I just adore a waterfall view. Darlin I love ya, but give me Lothlorean Avenue The wars! The stars! My Crown! My Gown! You are my wife! Good bye Rivendell life! Minas Tirith, we are there! ---
**Author:** ![Istari\_Inc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/57b2e6/32.png) [@Istari\_Inc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Istari_Inc)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 9:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/544 "2002-12-30T09:11:22Z")
**Help!** _(John Lennon, Paul McCartney) Lead Vocal: Sauron the Deceiver_ Help! I need a ring. Help! Not just any ring. Help! I’m gonna need the One Ring! When I was younger, so much younger than today I made a bunch of rings, and then I gave them all away. But now those days are gone, I need the One right now No matter where it is, I will find it somehow! Help me get my ring, or I will frown And if I won’t get it, I’ll be truly down Help me run those Hobbits to the ground Won’t you please, please help me! And now my life has changed in oh so many ways I can’t rule dwarves with their darn rings, it sucks, you sure can say! The only Rings that worked were those I gave the Nine My Nazzies are my pride and joy, but now I do need mine! Help me get my ring, or I will frown And if I won’t get it, I’ll be truly down Help me run those Hobbits to the ground Won’t you please, please help me! The Ring’s so close, so close I sure can feel its might That hobbit came to bring the One to me at last, alright!. But all those others, men and elves and dwarves and Ents They don’t agree for me to have the One and kick my pants! Help me get my ring, or I wil frown And if I won’t get it, I’ll be truly down Help me run those Hobbits to the ground Won’t you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh! ---
**Author:** ![Istari\_Inc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/57b2e6/32.png) [@Istari\_Inc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Istari_Inc)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/545 "2002-12-30T10:41:36Z")
**I Want To Hold That Band** _(John Lennon, Paul McCartney) Lead Vocal: Gollum_ Oh yeh, I’ll tell you something I think you’ll understand When I see that gold band I wanna hold that band That precious golden band I wanna hold that ring! Oh please, let me touch it It was mine once, you know Yes please, I so crave it So let me kill Frodo! Oh, let me kill Frodo I wanna kill Frodo And when I touch it I feel happy inside My precious sings to me, it wants me And can’t hide, it can’t hide, no, can’t hide! Yeah, you got my ring there I hope you’ll understand When I kill you just so I can still hold that band That pretty round gold band I wanna hold that band I wanna hold that band I wanna hold that band! ---
**Author:** ![finarfin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a698b9/32.png) [@finarfin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/finarfin)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/546 "2002-12-30T11:33:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tiktak\_Kat \* > \*\*Downfall of the Lord of the Rings Now > [Scene: Darly lit interior of an inn room sized for Hobbits] > (Voiceover as a partially clad Hobbit ambles around aimlessly, finally going berserk and injuring himself in a bizarre gardening accident) > > “I was in Bree again. I wanted a quest. And for my sins, they gave me one. And when it was over, I would never want to go on another one. After my last quest, all I could think about was going back to the Shire. And when I was in the Shire, all I could think about was me next quest. And here I was, sitting in the Prancing Pony in Bree and getting soft, while out there in their caves under the Misty Mountains, Charlie was staying hard. I had to get out of here.” > > [Scene: a council room in Rivendell] > Gandalf: I am Gandalf the Istari. That is Elrond Half-Elven, and that is Mr. Strider. Have you ever met any of us before? > Frodo: No sir, I haven’t. > Gandalf: Are you Frodo of the Shire? Assigned to the Fellowship? > Frodo: I’m sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and if I did I would not be disposed to discuss it at this time. > Gandalf: And your Uncle Bilbo was involved in the assassination of the Dragon Smaug? > Frodo: I’m sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and if I did I would not be disposed to discuss it at this time. > Elrond: What do you know of Sauron? > Frodo: I’m not sure I’ve heard much of him before sir. > (a bard is summoned and a number of lays are sung) > Gandalf: We’d like you to take Sauron’s ring, travel down the Anduin, then proceed overland to Mount Doom and terminate his Ring. > Elrond: Terminate with extreme prejudice. > Frodo: Terminate his ring? > Mr. Aragorn: Terminate Sauron. > > [Scene: on Anduin in elven boats] > (Voiceover as Frodo pores over books of lore) > “I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe this guys record. A Maia of Aule? Chief Lieutenant to Morgoth? Managed to destroy Numenor and escape. Nearly Conquered Middle Earth. Nearly. And now he was going to try again, and this time he would succeed. And they wanted me to travel into his stronghold and destroy his ring. I couldn’t believe it.” > > (It would take a long time to finish this. Way too many scenes would convert so well.) \*\* 🙂 Terrific! Maybe you or someone else could make it a longer-term project to do a more lengthy version? (I don’t remember the movie well enough to do more than enjoy.) How about David Lean’s film “Lawrence of Arabia”? ---
**Author:** ![finarfin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a698b9/32.png) [@finarfin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/finarfin)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/547 "2002-12-30T13:08:29Z")
There’s been some fine stuff posted here the last few days. Here’s another brief contribution from me, with hopes that someone else will either continue or otherwisebetter it: The Rime of the Ancient Mithrandir by J.R.R. Coleridge PART I _The ancient Mithrandir meeteth three hobbits bidden to a birthday party, and detaineth one._ IT is the ancient Mithrandir, And he stoppeth one of three. 'By thy long beard and glittering eye, Now wherefore stopp’st thou me? The Party-field gate is opened wide, And I am next of kin; The guests are met, the feast is set: May’st hear the merry din.’ He holds him with his skinny hand, ‘There is a ring,’ quoth he. ‘Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!’ Eftsoons his hand dropt he. - The Party-Guest is spell-bound by the eye of the old wandering wizard, and constrained to hear his tale.\* He holds him with his glittering eye— The Party-Guest stood still, And listens like a three years’ child: Mithrandir hath his will. * * * This has been only slightly altered from Coleridge’s original, which you can read online at [www.bartleby.com](http://www.bartleby.com/101/549.html) ---
**Author:** ![eala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5f9b8f/32.png) [@eala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eala)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/548 "2002-12-30T13:41:52Z")
oh man these are HILARIOUS! is any one here a lindsay davis fan? how about marcus didius _frodo_? come on, aelia, you know you want to… ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Death](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecccb3/32.png) [@Evil\_Death](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Death)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/549 "2002-12-30T14:12:59Z")
“Come quick! CJ’s doing Lord of the Rings!” Did I ever tell you about that Ring that changed my life? The one I thought, oh Lord, when I saw it lyin’ in that envelope All slim and smooth with that golden sheen, no markings I knew that I had died and gone to … Hobbit Heaven! He had a real deep voice, a big-ass mace, his helmet kinda pointy Steel gloves that fit him perfectly Sauron wore an 800-pound cast-iron suit straight from I dunno, what would they call it? Moria or Dale or someplace like that? I knew it wasn’t local Isildur said, “I got to get the Ring off that…” He didn’t have it for very long, the Ring was so wrong It could get any Gondorian King into trouble Can you guess what he called it? Well … the Precious The Precious Say - the Precious It was a gold hand band, cool like the pass of Caradhras Even after bein’ thrown in the fire Then I’ll be fried, Black Speech on the side Bilbo left the damn thing be-hind All down to fear of Mithrandir He called it the Precious It was big bad evil Sauron’s malice-fillin’ Rulin’ power ring kinda thing Volcano-forged, made to rule, made to bring, made to find and in the darkness bind And if you don’t take it to Barad-Dur It’ll slip right off your finger Even if you call it the Precious Say - the Precious Gollum was in the Misty Mountains cold, gettin’ old, eatin’ fish Three foot 4 and not an ounce of fat! Bilbo asked, ‘What’s in my pockets, cat?’ Gollum guessed hands, string and gat His guesses were all blown, and in case you hadn’t known It was really the Precious… Served an 80-year bid, first in Bilbo’s crib Then they took it to Mount Doom and in it went! Brought Sauron’s power to an end That was 3021 and today, if it wasn’t gone We’d be getting et by orcs The jewellery whose claim to fame was that they called it the Precious The Precious… ---
**Author:** ![Istari\_Inc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/57b2e6/32.png) [@Istari\_Inc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Istari_Inc)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/550 "2002-12-30T14:43:47Z")
Could someone please do[ul] [li]W.H. Auden[/li][li]COPS[/li][li]Emeril[/li][li]The frugal gourmet[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/551 "2002-12-30T15:59:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Istari Inc \* > \*\ ***The Binary Lord of the Rings** - Excerpt…1010010100010101101 **0101011100010** 1010101000000000101010001010101… > \*\* typo! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lastin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/77aa72/32.png) [@lastin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lastin)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/552 "2002-12-30T16:02:29Z")
Someone PLEASE do Moliere’s “The Mithrandir!” lastin ---
**Author:** ![mcp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7feea3/32.png) [@mcp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcp)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/553 "2002-12-30T16:11:03Z")
Helen Fielding does… Eowyn Eomundsdaugthers Diary (extract) March 22 Athelas-infusions: 2. Portions of disgusting porridge: 1½. Attempts to sneak out of gloomy little room: 5. Times being caugth: 5. Depressed thougths of certain heir to Throne of Gondor: 100.000 (at least). Number of Witch-Kings slain: 1 (vg) 10.00 I hate my life. Went to see annoying Warden again this morning, asking him if there was any possible way I could get out of this dreary place. He put his face in the ”Ohh, my poor child” –mode, and gave me the usual lecture of my illness, of the peril of battle and of the great evil in the east. One of these days I will ask him for a glass of water and he’ll regret he can’t fulfill my wish and give med the full account of the fall of Numenor. I figured I had to stop him somehow and told him off with a poised ice-queen remark (works every time) of dying by the sword even if you do not live by it. Then he got all gloomy and stared out the window, and finally he brougth himself to suggest that I’d go se the Lord Faramir, who is apparently lying around here as well. What rot. No way I’ll be under the command of such a lazy bastard, resting his nobleness in comfortable pillows while all valiant men take care of the Dark Lord. 12.30 Maybe should go see that Faramir-fellow after all. Ioreth, the chatty elderly lady who tends me, can’ t stop talking about what a completely eligeble bachelor he is. It seems that Faramir easily surpasses both Beren and Helm Hammerhand when it comes to virtues. As if I’d care, when the only man I could ever love is currently out there considering whether he should throw himself into battle and meet a violent, but valiant death, or into the arms of a long-legged, ageless, anorectic elf-bitch with cheekbones she could paraglide on and no exess body hair. Come to think of it, I guess I would prefer the first option (am very selfish here, but it would give me great comfort knowing that not only would I grieve, but also elf-bitch would be all sobbing and swollen-eyed and snotty-nosed and no star whatsoever). 18.30 I really, really, really want to go seek my glorious death in battle now. Had disarsterous first encounter with Lord Faramir this afternoon. I decided things could only get better, and sent for the Warden to arrange a meeting. And having now seen the man, I have to admit that although he wasn’t no Beren or Helm either, and certainly no Aragorn, he wasn’t so bad after all. He was really quite attractive with this long groomed hair which the hairdressers of Minas Tirith seems to specialize in, and he was awfully nice about my situation and the world coming to an end and the no-hope-left-issue in general. Of course I stayed the cool, poised ice-queen, but only until he asked me if there was anything I would have him do for me, sending me one of those darned knowing Gondor-smiles. Suddenly, I just wanted to fling myself into his arms and scream: ”Yes! Unleash me from the bitter turmoils of this wretched age and take med somewhere nice and calm where I can put down my sword and take up indoor decorating and baking recipies!”, but thankfully I managed myself, and came up with some ridiculous nonsense about my window facing the wrong way or so. I must have sounded like an idiot, because he quickly unwinded the situation with some sort of: ”Nice to meet you, let’s have a walk in the garden sometime”, and I made some lame excuse and ran off as fast as I could without losing the last little unmelted bit of ice-queen. ## I am absolutely sure he thinks me a complete orc by now. I hate my life. If someone would just give me a sword, a horse, a nicely fitted mailcoat with a low-slung belt, and a pair of knee-high ridingboots in tan leather, size 8, I would be out of here this instant. Or at least when I’ve had my dinner. again, forgive a dane her english spelling Marie 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kenneth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/94ad74/32.png) [@Kenneth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kenneth)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/554 "2002-12-30T16:12:13Z")
The Night Terrors This is the Dark Lord crossing the border, Bringing his threat of a new world order, Slavery for the rich, slavery for the poor, The thing on the corner and the girl next door. Pulling up Mount Doom, a steady climb: The gradient’s against him, but he’s got the time. Past smouldering pit and moorland high Blasting bright flame out of his eye, Snorting noisily as he passes Silent miles of wind-bent grasses. Sheep-dogs seem quite at a loss; Feigning sleep with paws across. In the farm he passes everyone shakes, And something in a barrow gently wakes. Dawn freshens, the climb is done. Down to the city he descends Towards the creatures yelping down the glade of cranes, Towards the fields of apparatus, the furnaces Set on the dark plain like gigantic chessmen. All the land waits for him: In the dark glens, beside the pale-green sea lochs Men dread the news. Rings for dwarves and rings for elves, Rings for men who aren’t themselves, Rings with inscriptions you can’t quite read, Rings that are tempting in your hour of need, As applications for situations That seem to promise the end of nations And gossip, gossip as all affected Meet in a council that’s quite dejected, Clever, stupid, short and long, Archetype and stereotype and just plain wrong. Thousands are still asleep Dreaming of terrifying monsters, They continue their dreams, And shall wake soon and long for letters, And none will hear the knock on the door Without a quickening of the heart, The reason for which they have quite forgotten. ---
**Author:** ![Istari\_Inc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/57b2e6/32.png) [@Istari\_Inc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Istari_Inc)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/555 "2002-12-30T16:21:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shalmanese \* > \*\*typo! 😃 \*\* Ouuwww - shuddup!😛 ---
**Author:** ![Hunter\_Green](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/dbc845/32.png) [@Hunter\_Green](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hunter_Green)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/556 "2002-12-30T17:00:06Z")
I want to see some done in the style of a few notable stand-up comedians. Judy Tenuda is probably the ripest – You cannot possess me! (How to work the Pope in, though, that’s the tricky bit. It could happen!) How about Steven Wright? Emo Phillips? George Carlin? Tim Allen in the days before Home Improvement and his movie (ahem) “career”? Bobcat Goldthwaite? ---
**Author:** ![Istari\_Inc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/57b2e6/32.png) [@Istari\_Inc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Istari_Inc)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/557 "2002-12-30T17:01:51Z")
**A Day In The Life** \*(John Lennon, Paul McCartney) Lead Vocals: Frodo Baggins/i] I heard the news today, oh boy The Dark Lord Sauron wants his One Ring back And though that news is bad for most Well, I just had to laugh I saw a picture of a dwarf. He blew his mind out mining rocks He didn’t noticed how the hill came down A crowd of Dale folk stood and stared They’d seen his face before Nobody was really sure If he was not from Erebor I saw that wiz today, oh boy He had just found out that one Ring was bad I wished to walk real far away But he gave me that look Got me with a hook “To Mordor you must go!” Woke up, fell to the floor Heard a knockin on my door Told the wizard, yeah, I’ll hide it good That ring you brought, so sorry you are late Got my pipe and stuffed it fat Found my gardener club a rat Found my way to Bilbo’s birthday feast Then somebody spoke and vanished away I read a book today, oh boy In there it tells how Sauron lost the war And though he lost, he was still there Can’t he be counted out? Now they know how many men it takes to bring that Ring to doom I’d love to fall asleep! ---
**Author:** ![Fishgoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ebca7d/32.png) [@Fishgoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fishgoat)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/558 "2002-12-30T18:17:13Z")
**(yes, it’s awful, and not the same length as the original, but, well…) (and for those who have no idea what I’m talking about, check out Firebird Arts and Music).** Oh it’s not awful, ragsdale!! I’m very glad you decided to Tolkien-ize “Threes”, since I couldn’t remember “Kerowyn’s Ride”. And it’s a cool song in its own right. :)🙂 ---
**Author:** ![sandcastle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@sandcastle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandcastle)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/559 "2002-12-30T18:43:29Z")
Oh my goodness… all these are sooo good. I don’t know if there has been a scientific account of LoTR… but in any event, here goes mine: === An excerpt from Ilsildur the scientist’s diary: The ring is made of solid metal. From the heaviness and the shine of the object, it can be concluded that the ring is composed of gold and another metal of a higher density. Further experiments are recommended to ascertain the composition of the ring. A writing, presumed old elvish, was found etched into the surface of the ring. With careful research, it is certain that the etching can be deciphered. Picking up the ring for the first time, an interesting phenomenon was observed. The etched elvish, which hereto had been clear, slowly disappeared from the surface of the metal. It is suspected that the decrease temperature might have been the cause of the fading. Therefore, it may be concluded that the heating of the ring, perhaps to several degrees higher than the normal body temperature of the race of Man, may trigger the appearance of the writing over the surface of the ring. … ---
**Author:** ![Istari\_Inc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/57b2e6/32.png) [@Istari\_Inc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Istari_Inc)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/560 "2002-12-30T18:56:37Z")
Sandcastle - I had tried my hand on a LOTR Lab report thgingy, but couldn’t get past the Material and method section. well done! _snicker_ ---
**Author:** ![Epigramcracker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5e9695/32.png) [@Epigramcracker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epigramcracker)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2002, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/561 "2002-12-30T19:23:34Z")
> [@](#): > > **Nobody was really sure > If he was not from Erebor** LOL! oh my god. ^O^ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=27) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=29)