# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 42
**Author:** ![HeatMiser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecd19e/32.png) [@HeatMiser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeatMiser)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/822 "2003-01-08T05:47:03Z")
Brand new member here followed the link from slashdot - with a humble contribution. * * * A Simple Harmonic Ring with apologies to Douglas Hofstadter Achilles: Good day, Mr. Tortoise. Tortoise: Why, same to you. Achilles: I can’t help but notice that lovely ring you are wearing. Tortoise: It is lovely, isn’t it? It was a gift from my dear friend Moebius. Achilles: That certainly is an unusual pattern inscribed around the border. Tortoise: Well, strictly speaking it isn’t a pattern; it’s an ancient Elvish language. Achilles: Really? The beauty of the lettering is such that it can scarcely be distinguished from the decorative pattern that surrounds it. Tortoise: Yes, if one does not detect the frame message there is very little which separates the “set of language-characters on ancient Elvish rings” from the “set of decorations on rings”. Achilles: Also, part of the message is obscured by the unusual way in which it wraps around the body of the ring, like a serpent. Tortoise: Oh yes, I’m afraid Moebius has a certain disdain for designs which create a distinction between front-sides and back-sides; he claims to have invented a new ring design which has neither front nor back! Achilles: I must confess I hardly see the value in that. Tortoise: For my part I cannot comment, for he is a dear friend and by far a superior engineer. In that regard, in fact, he may be said to run rings around me! Achilles: Fair enough, dear Tortoise. I am most curious, however, to know what the inscription says. Have you been able to translate it? Tortoise: Oh yes, it is quite simple if you are familiar with Elvish. It states “One ring to rule them all.” Achilles: How very odd indeed. One ring to rule them all? All of whom, I wonder? Tortoise: I suspect it is not so much a whom as it is a what! A ring to rule all rings, I surmise. Achilles: A ring to rule all rings? Such folly! Tortoise: Why is this folly, my dear friend? Achilles: Surely you must see, Mr. Tortoise, that a ring to rule all rings must also be considered the ruler of itself! Unless what we have here is not in fact a mere ring, but some kind of greater, lord of rings. Tortoise: No, Moebius was quite clear on the subject; while it may not be the most ordinary of rings, it is a ring all the same, and must be considered to be a member of “the set of all rings”. Achilles: More and more puzzling. I must insist that this cannot be an ordinary ring at all, despite appearances, but must be a meta-ring of an entirely different class. Tortoise: But that would imply that there exists an endless hierarchy of meta-rings to rule the rings, and meta-meta-rings to rule the meta-rings, and so forth. Achilles: True enough I suppose. May I examine it? Perhaps a clue is held elsewhere in the pattern, a hidden field-message of sorts. Tortoise: Most certainly, here you are. (Achilles examines the ring.) Achilles: Aha! I seem to have discovered another message intertwined with the original. Would you be so kind, dear Tortoise, as to apply your linguistic skill to this new message? Tortoise: Nothing would please me more! (Tortoise also examines the ring.) Tortoise: I think I have it! Not only that, but the hidden message seems to read differently forward and backward! Truly a wealth of information you have uncovered, my friend! Achilles: It was nothing, really - please share with me what it is the new message says. Tortoise: Surely. Read the usual way, from left to right, it reads “This ring may not be worn on ring finger A.” Achilles: Another puzzle it seems! Please do go on. Tortoise: Of course. From right to left, it reads “This message conveys no information.” Achilles: Conundrum upon conundrum. If only Xeno, with his knowledge of paradox, existed in this world to aid us rather than holding the almost supernatural position of being the author of the characters upon which this parody is based! Tortoise: Speaking of which, have you ever noticed the similarity between the words “paradox” and “parody”? Achilles: I can’t say I have, but thank you so much for bringing it to my attention - perhaps it ties in with this ring matter in some way. (Just then, J. R. R. Tolkien appears with a blinding flash.) Tortoise: My goodness, who is that? I’m so sorry, but a blinding flash seems to have left me temporarily unable to see for myself. Tolkien: I’ll take that now. (Tolkien grabs the ring away from the Tortoise and disappears in another, equally blinding flash.) Achilles: I’m not sure, but whoever it was seems to have taken your ring. Tortoise: Ah well, perhaps I am the unknowing owner of the “ring finger A” which the ring warned about. Or rather the meta-ring. Or meta-meta-ring. Achilles: Perhaps, perhaps. Oddly enough, I am just now recalling a story I heard some time ago involving rings and ring fingers and hidden messages and such. Would you like to hear it over some tea? Tortoise: That would be delightful, please do share your story - I have had enough of our own ring adventure for now. Achilles: All right. It concerns two dear friends, named Akilees and Tortuce. ``` *Akilees: Good day, Mr. Tortuce. Tortuce: Why, same to you. Akilees: I can't help but notice that lovely ring you are wearing. ...* ``` ---
**Author:** ![bataylor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cdc98d/32.png) [@bataylor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bataylor)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/823 "2003-01-08T05:52:38Z")
RBFH … adaptation from the [BOFH](http://www.google.com/search?q=BOFH) – The Bastard Operator From Hell > [@](#): > > We’re out of food in the middle of nowhere-fucks-ville so I’m pissed. All we have left are these stupid elvish things. What the hell do they call them? To hell with it! They taste like fucking cardboard gone stale. > > Being the RBFH, I’m at least able ot keep myself entertained. I slip the Ring on and give Gimli a huge wedgie. That’ll keep me snickering for a couple hours. At least I won’t have to listen to him go on about Galadriel. What a bitch! First we go blindfolded, then she nearly lets me fall into her fucking water bowl, Ring and all. > > Aragorn decides to counsel with me. “We have a follower,” he squaks. > > “Oh” (thinking – what the hell do you expect does he expect me to do it? You’re the one that let him get away!) > > “It’s your decision, as the ring bearer: should we let him follow or try and catch the sneak?” > > Just then Legolas starts talking like a typical know-it-all Elf. God, will he EVER SHUT UP? > > “I don’t think it wise for us to ignore him. He might try and sneak up on us while we rest.” > > I was getting so hungry. Those damn lembas or lambdas or whateverthehellthosethingsare suck. “Let’s catch the slimey twirp,” I announce. “I want some real food.” > > Gimli starts pulling at his pants. Maybe if he didn’t spend so much time sitting on that axe of his, I think to myself and start laughing. > > “What are you laughing at, halfling?” Gimli asks in front of the Company. > > Aragorn jumps in. Damn. I thought I was going to have fun, for once. Gods, we all need a good hit from some sweet pipe-weed. > > “Let’s not fight. We have bigger challenges ahead of us. Now, the ring bearer has decided we shall catch him. But to eat him? Do you think Sam can do it?” > > I have to hand it to the old man, Sam wasn’t too bright. And he’s no fun, either; I don’t even have to do any work to make an ass of him. He’s always talking about his Gaffer-this and Gaffer-that. Jesus. He’s worse than Legolas. > > \>dummy mode on\< > > “Sam, do you think you can handle cooking the smelly thing? I’m fucking famished!” > > Sam turns, “Oh master!” (fuck, I hate it when he pulls that shit) “Oh master I shall try my best to cook up something nice. Send Merry and Pippin to get some 'taters and veggies and we’ll cook up a good stew.” > > “Sure thing” Now I wanted to shove Sting up his back-side for saying 'taters. _groans_ > … after they eat and the RBFH is on watch while everyone sleeps … > Now what am I supposed to do? Everyone’s sleeping. And fucking Gimli is being so loud I think the whole of Middle Earth can hear. This is so boring. I should have just given the stupid Ring to the smelly guy on the horse. I would have saved myself a whole lot of worthless time. > > I figure I’ll go down to the river and fill-up bottles of water, put them in Sam’s backpack to weigh him down even more. The stupid moron probably won’t even notice. > … in the morning … > So Sam gets up and I tell him that I’ve taken some of his weight and put it into my pack. > > “Hey thanks!” he says. > > What a moron. He will _never_ learn. I think I’m going to cast him into Mount Doom when I have the chance. I don’t really know who started the whole Bastard Operator from Hell-thing, but I sure used to enjoy reading them! I hope you all enjoyed my RBFH! ---
**Author:** ![MMercurius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@MMercurius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MMercurius)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/824 "2003-01-08T05:53:07Z")
Any takers? ---
**Author:** ![jalopeura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jalopeura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jalopeura)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/825 "2003-01-08T05:54:05Z")
**Peter Jackson:** I just can’t fit all this stuff into one movie. Let’s drop one of the towers. **LotR Fan:** But it’s called The _Two_ Towers. **PJ:** Well, Barad-Dur can be the second tower. **Fan:** But Tolkien explicitly stated that the two towers were Orthanc and Minas Morgul. **PJ:** It’s decided, then. We’ll drop Minas Morgul. **Fan:** But- **PJ:** Okay, let’s add in some unnecessary crap that’s not in the book. **Fan:** But I thought you were having trouble fitting everything in already. **PJ:** Yeah, because I want to add this extra stuff. How about an army of elves that comes to help out at Helm’s Deep? **Fan:** But Tolkien explicitly stated that the Last Alliance of Men and Elves was when Sauron was thrown down at the end of the Second Age. **PJ:** It’s decided, then. We’ll add an army of elves. And we’ll also have Faramir kidnap Frodo and start taking him back to Minas Tirith. **Fan:** But Faramir did exactly the opposite in the book! **PJ:** Look, whose story is this? Yours or mine? **Fan:** Well, actually, it’s Tolkien’s. **PJ:** It’s decided, then. We’ll completely alter Faramir’s character. …ad infinitum ---
**Author:** ![scablet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@scablet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scablet)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/826 "2003-01-08T05:57:31Z")
**Council of Elrond.** ELROND: You will be… the FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING! Camera on LEGOLAS. He begins prancing about with exaggerated gestures, singing: A Mordor holiday! Let’s pack the bows away! You bring the lembas bread, I’ll bring the fear and dread! Fuck off you silly King, I’m off to smash this ring! A Mordor holiday! Hip hip hip hip hooray!! All in attendance ROLL THEIR EYES and GO LIMP-WRISTED at this display. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/827 "2003-01-08T05:59:46Z")
```auto Three-a Reengs fur zee Ilfee-Keengs under zee sky, Sefee fur zee Dverff-lurds in zeeur hells ooff stune-a, Neene-a fur zee Murtel Mee duumed tu deee-a, Oone-a fur zee Derk Lurd oon hees derk thrune-a In zee Lund ooff Murdur vhere-a zee Shedoos leee-a. Oone-a Reeng tu roole-a zeem ell, Oone-a Reeng tu feend zeem, Oone-a Reeng tu breeng zeem ell und in zee derkness beend zeem In zee Lund ooff Murdur vhere-a zee Shedoos leee-a. Bork Bork Bork! ``` ---
**Author:** ![petcat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5fc32e/32.png) [@petcat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/petcat)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/828 "2003-01-08T06:19:40Z")
This land is Mordor, this land is Sauron’s from the Ephel Duath, to the gate of Morannon from Minas Morgul, to the Nurnen Waters This ring was made for only he As I went walking, to Mount Oroduin I saw below me the cracks of Doo-oom I saw above me the Eye of Sauron This ring was made for only he I’d roamed and rambled and I followed Mithrandir But he fell with the Balrog and I’m stuck with Sam here Was stabbed by a Nazgul, a servant of Sauron, This ring was made for only he When I stood at the fissure, In weakness I lingered, in a struggle with Gollum, he bit off my finger But he fell in the fire then, and the quest was ended Now Middle Earth will forever be free This land is your land this land is my land from Far Harad, to the peaceful Shireland from the towers of the Mighty to the Hill in Hobbiton Middle Earth will forever be free With Apologies to Woody… ---
**Author:** ![Tangent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tangent/32/3098_2.png) [@Tangent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tangent)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/829 "2003-01-08T06:46:07Z")
**You Might be a Hobbit** _by Jeff Ringworthy._ If you can add an extra room to your home using just a shovel, you might be a hobbit. If you’ve never left the Shire, If you eat nine meals a day, If even the dwarves look down on you, you might be a hobbit. If you’ve ever used hair gel on your feet, you might be a hobbit. If when you hug Gandalf, you are eye-level with his “staff,” If you’re living proof that smoking stunts your growth, If the orcs down the road keep wanting to have you over for dinner, you might be a hobbit. If people think you and your buddy, Sam, have homoerotic tendencies, If whenever you get drunk you think the trees are walking and talking to you, If the all-you-can-eat buffet gives you your money back and begs you to leave, you might be a hobbit. If you’ve ever been mistaken for a lawn gnome, you might be a hobbit. If you don’t consider it an insult when someone says “Your sister has hairy feet!” If your great-grandma looks kinda like Gollum, you might be a hobbit. If to you a ferry is for crossing rivers and a faggot is a bundle of wood, you might be a hobbit. If Ringwraiths are always hounding you, If you’ve ever used the term “eleventy”, If your best pickup line is “I may be short, but look at the size of my feet!” If your pet name for your penis is ”Sting,” then you just _might_ be a hobbit. ---
**Author:** ![shrdlu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@shrdlu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shrdlu)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/830 "2003-01-08T06:47:23Z")
I had meant to do an Oingo Boingo song… but didn’t get around to it until tonight. So, here goes. _Apologies to Danny Elfman and the boys, of course._ * * * Aragorn’s Party Start the quest up – we’ve got somewhere to go The Fellowship’s got to protect the Ring holder Waiting for the next orc attack to arrive Here’s hoping at the next town we’re all still alive CHORUS Legolas has his bowstring Frodo’s got hairy feet Gimli’s happy to axe anyone we meet It’s Aragorn’s party Ready for the war Everyone who’s coming – leave your fears at the door Leave your doubts and fears at the door (And come what may – we will be free) Start the quest up – we’ve got somewhere to go Must destroy the One Ring Waiting for Saruman’s army to arrive Must destroy the One Ring - One Ring Together we will take on that evil Eye Got more strength when you diversify Hear those orcs hacking down our door Our party stands ready to settle the score CHORUS And come what may – we will be free Evil can’t win over camaraderie And come what may – we will be free ---
**Author:** ![Ashtoreth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Ashtoreth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashtoreth)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/831 "2003-01-08T06:53:32Z")
SolGrundy’s ‘Behind the Magic’ is hilarious, short and sweet. I want to do a Noam Chomsky bit that deconstructs LOTR as propaganda for the forces of ‘good,’ obsessive footnoting and all, but to do that one would need an intimate command of Tolkien, which I just don’t have. Anyone feeling up to it? ---
**Author:** ![Nikster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce7236/32.png) [@Nikster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nikster)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/832 "2003-01-08T07:03:18Z")
Sauron: Boo?? Is that you? Gollum: Kitty!! ---
**Author:** ![cwetherbee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@cwetherbee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwetherbee)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/833 "2003-01-08T07:18:45Z")
1910 June 2, Faulkner time. Damned little Hobbit Walked up to him one day said ‘n offered him a smoke out this here pipe and what did he say he said yes I’d love it smoked damned near my whole bag. He never said thanks. Now he’s got this damned ring Keeps it to himself Gonna kill the bastard I think Well Well maybe not but he sure deserves it taking it to mount doom to destroy it like that wandering all over Hobbiton all over the damned world I say! but never taking a damn thing seriously an’ always making other people decide things for him Well What are you up to now Nothing You’re meddling in the business of the Nazgul again didn’t you get enough of that when they nearly killed us all _You’ve got fever   You’re sick how are you sick   I’m just sick.   Take me to Rivendell   Shot his voice through the_ Not that blackguard Nazgul Rivendell and \*  Elrond   Don’t touch me just promise   If you’re sick you cant   Yes I can after that it’ll be all right it wont matter dont let them send him to Mount Doom promise   I promise Frodo   Dont touch me dont touch me   What does it look like Frodo   What   That that grins at you that thing through them   An eye a glow eye of fire red and burning\* They crossed over into Mordor Grr. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tessuraea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tessuraea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tessuraea)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/834 "2003-01-08T07:21:51Z")
the ring I am under the windowsill when that one he said and it is hard to listen to I am under the windowsill grass cutting the grass when that one he said the ring is the ring is frodo stick thump ow and that one is angry and crying and I am through the window now and that one is angry the ring frodo the ring travelling too far through the field too far where the farmer has things and footsteps and a carrot I hold a carrot and the one and the other one the stupid one they are here too but chasing us chasing us we run we run frodo frodo the ring the ring frodo –The Samwise Section of The Ring and the Fury by Faulkner (Best I could manage) ---
**Author:** ![ShadowKatmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@ShadowKatmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadowKatmandu)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/835 "2003-01-08T07:44:15Z")
Somebody requested Jar Jar Binks 😃 : Mesa was mindin mysa own beeswax one day when along comesa maxi-big powerful wizard Gandalf! Hesa be wantin mesa to be takin the one ring to the bom-bad Mount Doom! Mesa no thinks so, but then the maxi-big bom-bad ringwraiths comes along and theysa bes trying to be takin the one ring back to berry bom-bad Sauron! How wude! So mesa has a brisky mornin’ munchin’ and sets off with Qui-Gonn Strider, whosa turns out to be maxi-big king, the last heir of Isildur. Mesa not knowin’ what to be thinkin’ ‘bout that, and then mesa finds out that he’sa goin’ witha Arwen–man, is she p’etty hot or what?! Anyway, we’sa went to where the elves be livin, being a place called Rivendell. They’sa had a bom-bad council and all, and mesa mighta been, well, a little clumsy and be agreein’ to be takin’ the ring to Mount doom. But Legolas, whosa berry bom-bad archer, and Gimli, whosa gotsa maxi-big axe, theysa be goin’ too. And then Boromir, whosa be thinkin’ he should be havin the ring, not mesa. So wesa sets off with Gandalf and mysa friends, headin’ for all sortsa bom-bad troubles. Wesa tried to cross the mountain, but the snows be working against us, comin’ all hard and early because of the bom-bad wizard Saruman, who used to be maxi-good with Gandalf but decided to be bom-bad with Sauron. Mesa be wonderin’ why the bom-baddest guys names sound almost alike. So mesa said wesa gonna follow Gimli’s idea and go throughsa the mines of Moria. What a wude place! There was lotsa orcs, and lotsa fightin’ and a cave troll, the maxi-big bom-baddest was a maxi-big boyo that Gandalf called a Balrog. Gandalf be fightin’ him somethin’ fierce, but then the Balrog made Gandalf fallin with him into fires and bom-bad places. Wesa thought he was dead! … More upon request… ---
**Author:** ![caroljude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6f9a4e/32.png) [@caroljude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caroljude)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/836 "2003-01-08T07:46:17Z")
* * * ## Originally posted by Jomo Mojo Now, I’ll be the first to say it. We need a good Harlan Ellison parody. Anybody feel up to that? Maybe “Repent, Bombadil!” Said the Morgulman … or From Tinco to Úre in the Chocolate Tengwar …? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Harry Lime \* > \*\*_“I Have Round Ears But I Must Love An Elf”_ ? \*\* **Due to a protracted dispute with the publisher, Mr. Ellison’s novel ‘Eggcreams for Golem’ has been postponed. No further information is available at this time.** Was there a Doug Adams ‘treatment’ in this thread somewhere, did I miss it? P.S Great thread. I found the link in, of all places, a Bruce Springsteen site! ---
**Author:** ![ShadowKatmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@ShadowKatmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadowKatmandu)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/837 "2003-01-08T07:49:57Z")
Sticking to a Star Wars theme, how about Yoda-speak? … “Take the ring, you must!” Gandalf said. “No, Gandalf. Too much for me, it is. You take it!” replied Frodo. “Take it, I cannot. Best intentions, I would have, but as bad as Sauron, I would be.” Considered this, Frodo did. Outside the window, a noise was heard. Reacted quickly, Gandalf did. Thunked somebody with his staff, he did. In through the window, he pulled Samwise Gamgee “Eavesdropping, you were!” Gandalf accused. “Dropping eaves, I wasn’t,” Sam replied. “Listening to what you were saying, I was!” “Heard did you? And what did you hear?” “Nothing important, I am sure it was. The end of world, all I heard about was.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![gerv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/aeb1de/32.png) [@gerv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gerv)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/838 "2003-01-08T07:56:07Z")
This can’t compete with some of the wonderful authorship in this thread, but… [http://landfill.bugzilla.org/bugzilla-tip/show\_bug.cgi?id=1031](http://landfill.bugzilla.org/bugzilla-tip/show_bug.cgi?id=1031) (Standard-issue web can be cut by elven blades) Gerv ---
**Author:** ![Trollificus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@Trollificus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trollificus)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/839 "2003-01-08T08:14:27Z")
The site was slashdotted all day…Wonderful stuff, I am very impressed. There have been at least two Douglass Adams’ versions. I’ve yet to read back through for Shakespeare, but here’s mine. Shakespeare does The Counsels of the Wise and Mighty: Boromir: God Sirs! An let me speak! Gondor lies sieged, imperiled and distressed Your shield these centuries passed, yet none will move to save her? Prithee, give to us Men the Ring this night! That Mordor might be turned by force of might! Elrond: Be not offended, Boromir, but thy council ringeth hollow, and sounds near-perfect echo with Isildur’s failed ambition: which disaster lead us twistly onto this disastrous path. And all in Middle Earth exposed to Saurons’ wrath. Frodo: This is the air, and that the glorious sun. This Ring he gave me, I do feel’t and see’t And though tis wonder that enwraps me thus, yet tis not madness. If 'tis my fate this ill Band to return, so be’t. Elrond:See, all! This Hobbit by his faith and honor can the supplications of the ring withstand. Where others might bethink themselves, with such great power, kings-by strength of hand I do think the Half the Halflings lack’s the lesser half of Dwarves or Men or Elves. Aragorn:So shall it be. An fellowship of Elf and Dwarf and Man Shall succor and defend him, as we can. Tonight, in Rivendell we’ll play your guest Tomorrow, for the march we are addrest. ---
**Author:** ![Trollificus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@Trollificus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trollificus)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/840 "2003-01-08T08:17:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ashtoreth \* > \*\*SolGrundy’s ‘Behind the Magic’ is hilarious, short and sweet. > > I want to do a Noam Chomsky bit that deconstructs LOTR as propaganda for the forces of ‘good,’ obsessive footnoting and all, but to do that one would need an intimate command of Tolkien, which I just don’t have. Anyone feeling up to it? \*\* ☹ You can do Chomsky but not Tolkein?? I am reminded of David Reif’s comment…but as a noob, I gues I shouldn’t post it. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![adiplomat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b782af/32.png) [@adiplomat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adiplomat)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/841 "2003-01-08T08:17:48Z")
George Lucas: (Moria, in Book of Mazarbul Room) Ewok Pippin straightens up after knocking skeleton into well: Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Next time throw Legolas in, so we’ll be free of his constant carping! And they call ME Stormcrow… Legolas: Some Wizard YOU are! “Let’s go THIS way,” he says! “It’s BETTER…” Some escape! Frodo (whining) : You two don’t have to carry THIS (holds up data module with Plans to Barad-Dur) ! This thing’s HEAVY! Oh, oh… (Stingsaber lights up, glowing bright blue) Orcs! Gimli: I’ve gotta bad feeling about this… (lifts axe) **low voice** Hear me baby, hold together! (Orcs burst thru in hordes, unable to hit anything, even at point blank range. They are slaughtered by impossibly accurate multiple bow shots by Legolas.) (Roaring in background) Frodo: They’ve got a Rancor - er - Cave Troll! (Cave troll waddles in, incredibly slow and clumsy. After incredible stunts by all in party, Legolas pounds arrow up into Troll’s unmentionables.) Ewok Pippin: Ewwwww! (party heads toward Last Bridge) (Orcs converging from all around, STILL cannot hit anything) (Roaring noise in background, Orcs run away) Gandalf \: Balrog Maia! And I am so weary… Gimli: I gotta bad feeling about this… (Large incredibly hideous and unstoppable-looking Evil Creature walks down hallway, so of course party stays to watch) Balrog Maia: ROAAAARRRR! Gandalf: Once it was my apprentice, before it turned to… Balrog Maia: ROAAAARRRR! Gandalf: No, I did NOT lightsaber the platform steps at the Istari graduation! You’re just clumsy! Gandalf: You gotta go thru me to get that datacube! Balrog Maia: ROAR! ROOOOOAAAAARRRR! Gandalf: Well, if your gonna be THAT way… (turns to run) (sees Aragorn with sword that “Just happens” to be pointing at him.) Gandalf: Well, fnord! (walks back to bridge) Oh, alright, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” (breaks bridge, Balrog Maia falls, Gandalf trips over lightsaber and plunges into abyss.) Frodo: What’d he say? “Fly you fools?” Gimli: I think he said “I’m a flyin’ fool!” (fade) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=41) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=43)