# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 46
**Author:** ![Trollificus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@Trollificus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trollificus)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/902 "2003-01-08T19:19:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gonzoron \* > \*\*:eek: > > That’s AWESOME! I have no more words. This now my favorite of the thread. > > Welcome Slashdotters! (I’m famous, ma, I’ve been quoted in a Slashdot article!) > > **Trollificus** ’s Shakespeare is the best yet (no offense to the previous ones, which were all great too.) > > And **Verrain** ’s Mojo Gandalf had me in tears. > > **Brain Donor** , while I appreciate the sentiment, you might want to check the copyright notice at the bottom of the page. They don’t take kindly to that sort of thing round here… \*\* Hello. And a warning. I posted that on our board, he’ll see it. We’re not slashdotters. And I think zem has posted a Douglas Adams on this thread and has, waiting in the wings, the WMD of LOTR as written in…(thunder cracks at the end of a pregnant pause, startling all. this being, after all, just an internet post)… **LEGALESE!!!** It is horrific. An eldritch document, its authors name unspoken, save in whispers; the study of which has unfailingly brought madness to the doomed fools who would think to know its secrets. Sorry, it’s so evile it makes me go all Lovecraft… ---
**Author:** ![Trollificus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@Trollificus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trollificus)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/903 "2003-01-08T19:21:29Z")
…even as I spoke, his evile plans were coming to fruition! Drat! ---
**Author:** ![dwmacg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwmacg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwmacg)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/904 "2003-01-08T19:22:31Z")
Come listen to the story of a dude named Bilbo A poor shire Hobbit barely kept himself in dough Then one day he was trolling with his Sting When down on the ground he saw a beautiful ring Gold, that is, pure evil, invisibility Well the next thing you know Bilbo’s a millionaire Kin folks said “hey, get away from here!” They said with the Elves is the place you ought to dwell So he packed up his stuff and he moved to Rivendell Elrond’s, that is, elven vixens and human kings The Beverly Hobbitons! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/905 "2003-01-08T19:22:46Z")
Now you are Heroes of Legend, Hobbit and Hobbit. Able to rest at last, the Great Hall at Rivendell receives your parallel readings. Bilbo leans back in his chair, blows out his candle, stretches, and says, “Blow out your candle, too. Aren’t you tired of reading?” And you say, “Just a moment, I’ve almost finished _If on a winter’s night a hobbit_ by JRR Calvino.” ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/906 "2003-01-08T19:27:18Z")
**zem** : AHHHHHHHH! My eyes! They’re meeeeeeeeeltiiiiiiiiinggg… ---
**Author:** ![zem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4491bb/32.png) [@zem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zem)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/907 "2003-01-08T19:29:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Trollificus \* > \*\*…even as I spoke, his evile plans were coming to fruition! Drat! \*\* Neener neener neener neener I’ve posted the legalese And you’re a weiner … ---
**Author:** ![zem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4491bb/32.png) [@zem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zem)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/908 "2003-01-08T19:34:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jr8 \* > \*\ ***zem** : AHHHHHHHH! My eyes! They’re meeeeeeeeeltiiiiiiiiinggg… \*\* My work is done here … ---
**Author:** ![Always\_Reforming](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Always\_Reforming](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Always_Reforming)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/909 "2003-01-08T19:34:22Z")
How about bad “christian” apocalyptic fiction? Ala “Left Behind”… Sorry if this is painful to read. I tried to be as faithful to Jerry Jenkins’ writing style as possible. 😃 “A ring!”, said Ivy League educated world-renowned “Hobbit Times” star reporter Rick Frodo. “Yes, the Ring has been Left Behind”, said Pastor Chuck Gandalf of Shire Community Bible Church, “we must destroy the Ring. It is the ring foretold by my poor exegesis of Revelation”. “But first I must become a Christian.”said Rick. “God save me from this evil ring, and let me carry it to it’s destruction, Amen. said Rick”. Now the ring had no power over Rick, because he recited the magic words of power. Rick picked up the ring. “Oh hello Sam!” “Hello!” “Hi!” “What’s going on” “We just found this ring” “Really?” “Yes.” “Oh.” “Pray the prayer so that the ring doesn’t get you.” “Just pray the prayer and I’m protected?” “Yup. But it has to be from your own will. And if you don’t get all emotional…it didn’t take.” “Yep.” “Sure.” “God, the ring is bad. Save me. Amen.” said Sam. “I don’t feel any different.” said Sam. “Well try again. With more gusto!” Pastor Chuck said. “OK. God, the ring is bad. Save me. Amen.” Sam said. Sam then broke down and cried. “Good, it took.” said Rick Frodo. Now they walked to the Prancing Pony, which was a Christian Bookstore in a nearby town, which Gandalf had told them to go to, because the evil Ring Wraiths were after them. Ring Wraiths are bad. They ran into to other hobbits, had them pray the prayer and they joined the Ring Force. Jack Merry, who is one of the hobbits they ran into, was a technological wizard and using just cornstalks, made a secret communications network that even the evil Sauron couldn’t break into. **“Ring Force” by Jerry Jenkins and “Prophecy Expert” Tim LaHaye** Insp. By “Right Behind” by Nathan Wilson and “Prophecy Expert” Mr. Sock ---
**Author:** ![Always\_Reforming](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Always\_Reforming](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Always_Reforming)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/910 "2003-01-08T19:40:40Z")
**The Prayer of Sauron** Sauron was more wicked than his brothers. His mother had named him Sauron, saying, “I gave birth to him in a taxi.” Sauron cried out to the God of Middle-Earth, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I may enslave and destroy all creatures.” ---
**Author:** ![Always\_Reforming](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Always\_Reforming](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Always_Reforming)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/911 "2003-01-08T19:42:23Z")
I prayed the Prayer of Sauron for 30 days and brought an entire village under my dominion! It really works you guys! ---
**Author:** ![Varda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/73ab20/32.png) [@Varda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Varda)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/912 "2003-01-08T19:43:35Z")
😮 Did Sauron REALLY do that??? 😃 JAMES CAMERON doing TWO TOWERS! WOW!!! MOOOMMMMMEEEEE!!! ---
**Author:** ![well\_he\_s\_back](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3ab097/32.png) [@well\_he\_s\_back](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/well_he_s_back)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/913 "2003-01-08T19:53:35Z")
Just had to say how great the George Will was. (In real life I’m a “liberal” but I have to admit some of the best reviews of seen of LOTR books and movies have been by “conservative” folks.) This thread is so much fun, I’m glad to see it continuing. and remember, Frodo Lives. ---
**Author:** ![well\_he\_s\_back](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3ab097/32.png) [@well\_he\_s\_back](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/well_he_s_back)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/914 "2003-01-08T19:59:12Z")
Just had to say how great the George Will was. (In real life I’m a “liberal” but I have to admit some of the best reviews of seen of LOTR books and movies have been by “conservative” folks.) This thread is so much fun, I’m glad to see it continuing. and remember, Frodo Lives. ---
**Author:** ![dwmacg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwmacg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwmacg)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/915 "2003-01-08T20:00:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by well he’s back \* > \*\*Just had to say how great the George Will was. (In real life I’m a “liberal” but I have to admit some of the best reviews of seen of LOTR books and movies have been by “conservative” folks.) This thread is so much fun, I’m glad to see it continuing. > and remember, Frodo Lives. \*\* Thanks, and for the record, I’m a liberal too. ---
**Author:** ![Entropic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Entropic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Entropic)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/916 "2003-01-08T20:11:08Z")
The Ring Situation (Quentin Tarantino) The skies burst into thunder seared with lightning. Down like lashing whips falls a torrent of black rain. Fire and smoke shoot up from the Crack of Doom. Sam What the fuck is happening? Frodo I accidentally pushed Gollum into the Crack of Doom! Sam Why the fuck did you do that? Frodo I didn’t mean to do it! I said it was an accident. Sam I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my time, but - Frodo Chill out man, it was an accident, okay? You hit a bump or somethin’ and the Ring just went off. Sam Wasn’t no motherfuckin’ bump! Frodo Look! I didn’t mean to let this son of a bitch fall, okay? The Ring just fell off, don’t ask me how! Sam Look at this mess! We’re in Mordor in broad fucking daylight- Frodo I know, I know! I wasn’t thinking about that… Sam Well you better be thinkin’ about it now, motherfucker! We gotta get the fuck off Mount Doom. Nazgúl tend to notice shit like throwing the Ring into the fires. Frodo Can’t we just get to a friendly place? Sam This is fucking Morodor, Frodo. Gandalf don’t got no friendly fucking places in Mordor! Frodo and Sam exit to outside on the side of Mount Doom. Sam looks up and starts yelling. Frodo Who ya callin’? Sam An Eagle buddy of mine from the Encircling Mountains, the Windlord. Frodo Where’s the Encircling Mountains? Sam On the other side of Middle-earth, by Arnor. If Gwaihir’s ass aint up there, I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got any other partners in the Dark Lands. (to Gwaihir) Gwaihir! How you doin’ man, it’s Sam. (pause) Listen up man, me an’ my homeboy are in some serious shit, we gotta get off Mount Doom, pronto! Enter Gwaihir from the sky, seeing them with his keen eyes, two dark figures on the slopes of Mount Doom. Side by side they lie as Gwaihir sweeps down and lifts them up and bares them out of the darkness and fire. ---
**Author:** ![KathleenTheCritic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@KathleenTheCritic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KathleenTheCritic)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/917 "2003-01-08T20:15:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dwmacg \* > \*\*George Will’s version: > > …In their eyes, Sauron would be just another misunderstood victim of a poor upbringing who deserves our pity and understanding. And the Orcs would be third-world victims of western imperialism and genocide whose culture we should “celebrate”, rather than evil (there’s that word again) creatures who should be destroyed… > > …Keep this in mind when revisionist historians claim that the fall of the Dark Lord would have been inevitable regardless of the actions of the West, and that the Reagandalf arms build-up did more harm than good… > > …Fortunately, though, Frodo was too simple to understand that he was a victim, and so he acted like, yes, a hero. \*\* Your are a genius. This is FABULOUS. You’ve perfectly captured Will’s style AND substance! Bravo!!! I also doff my quill to the author of the Jefferson Airplane parody, the Trading Spaces, the Miss Manners… WOW, you folks are incredible. Thanks so much for sharing your creativity! Just a couple of requests…I wish there were some way to organize these posts in a searchable format, so you could pull up all the Shakespeares, all the show tunes, all the Catcher in the Rye parodies, etc. Maybe this would have to become its own web site for that to happen! Another request: Let’s get a chant going–PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE…NO MORE LEGALESE! The short ones were funny. The long ones (that don’t have a thing to do with LoTR) are painfully brain-deadening (after all, isn’t that the point of legalese? To stupify your adversary?) Respectfully submitted, KathleenTheCritic ---
**Author:** ![ElfWarriorFuzzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/94ad74/32.png) [@ElfWarriorFuzzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElfWarriorFuzzy)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/918 "2003-01-08T20:17:09Z")
I know someone’s done “The Sound of Mordor” which was great! I had to do a parody of my one of that play. Having been in my high school production of it makes it hard not to do this… 🙂 Legolas Greenleaf and wizards and kittens Bright Mithril armor and hobbits in mittens White elvish arrows flung from gold bowstrings These are a few of my favorite things Bill the Brave Pony and Elvish lembas bread Gondor and Rohan and an Elf Prince in my bed _blush_ Shadowfax rides like the moon on white wings These are a few of my favorite things Saruman and his orcs that Treebeard smashes Long elvish daggars I’ve hid in my sashes Throwing in Mount Doom the One Golden Ring These are a few of my favorite things When the orcs fight When elf blade sings When I’m feeling fierce I simply remember my favorite things And thank Tolkien for POINTY EARS!!! _purrrr_ ---
**Author:** ![snoodle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f08c70/32.png) [@snoodle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snoodle)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/919 "2003-01-08T20:38:50Z")
Sorry, I can’t seem to stop - nursery rhymes, anyone? Wee Frodo Baggins runs through the woods Up hills and down hills, far from his 'hood Looking out in front of him, peering far behind, “Is a Nazgul on my trail, or have I lost my mind?” Feonor has gone to sea, With mithril buckles on his knee: He’ll come back and marry me, Pretty Feonor! Feonor is fat and fair, Combing down his yellow hair; He’s my love for evermore, Pretty Feonor. Oh, dear, what can the matter be? Dear, dear, what can the matter be? Oh, dear, what can the matter be? Aragorn’s gone so long. He promised he’d buy me a brand new receiver, He promised he’d buy me a brand new receiver, He promised he’d buy me a brand new receiver, To listen to Luthien’s song. Grima Wormtongue, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, Grima Wormtongue ran away. Old Sauron Hubbard; Went to the cupboard, To give his poor Gollum a bone; But when he got there The cupboard was bare, And so the poor Gollum had a nice, fat Hobbit instead. Hey, diddle, diddle! The Hobbit is little, The Nazgul were stopped at the Ford; The Ents all laughed To see such sport, But Glorfindel soon got bored. Sing a song of lembas A pocket full of rye; Four-and-twenty rabbits Baked in a pie! When the pie was opened The rabbits all were dead Was not that a dainty dish For Hobbits full of dread! The Istari in his watching tower, Watching all his orcs; The torturers in pits below, Putting on the torque- Gollum’s in the fire now Not hanging out with me, When down comes a ranger And takes us back to Bree! Sam and Fro’ went up the hill, To rid us of a curse; Fro’ came down, one finger gone But Gollum is much worse. Boromir, come, blow your horn! The orc’s in the meadow, uruk in the corn. And where’s the king that looks after the sheep? Under Arwen, fast asleep! Sauron, Sauron, go away, Come again another day; King Isildur wants to play. If all the seas were one sea, What a great sea that would be! And if all the trees were one tree, What a great tree that would be! And if all the rings were one ring, What an evil ring it would be! And if all the kings were one king, What a messed-up king he’d be! And if the great king took the great ring, And cut down the great tree, And sailed it into the great sea, What an ending that would be! There was an old hobbit Lived under a hill; And if he’s not gone, He lives there still. Pease-porridge hot, Pease-porridge cold, Pease porridge in the pot, Nine days ol- wait a minute, where’s the porridge? Pippin!! ---
**Author:** ![HBergeron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HBergeron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HBergeron)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/920 "2003-01-08T20:38:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by KidCharlemagne \* > \*\*Someone right one in lawyerese \*\* TO:     Mr. Frodo Baggins (a/k/a. “Mr. Underhill”)           Bag End           Hobbiton, Shire           Middle Earth FROM: Grima Crebain, Esq.           Melkor, Morgoth, & Curunir, P.L.C.           Amon Amarth, Mordor           Middle Earth Mr. Baggins, ``` I am writing to you on behalf of my client, Sauron, Chief Administrator of the Principality of Mordor. Our client has reason to believe that you have wrongly converted his personal property, one gold ring, and possibly may even plan to destroy said ring. Though my client insists that the monetary value of the ring in question is <i>de minimus</i>, it is nonetheless of considerable sentimental value to him, insofar as it is one of only a handful manufactured by himself and he considers it to be his best work. Under the common law of trespass to chattels, my client has a number of legal remedies available to him, including filing a suit for replevin in any Court of Common Pleas seeking the return of personal property wrongfully converted by you and seeking declaratory relief in the form of an injunction forbidding you to take any action which would result in harm to, or destruction of, mhis property. If necessary, my client will zealously pursue any and all such legal remedies. However, my client is intensely jealous of his privacy and, regrettably, is also incorporeal at present. He would therefore prefer to settle this matter without the necessity of either party making an appearance in court. As such, he has instructed me to offer to pay any reasonable expenses you might incur in returning his property to him and to indicate that he will happily sign a release of liability absolving you of any future damages in any way related to this dispute. It is our sincere desire to bring this matter to a prompt and amicable conclusion. Please contact me at the address above within 30 days of receiving this message. If I have not heard from you in that time, we will have no choice but to resort to litigation. Thank you for your time and consideration. ``` Sincerely, Grima Crebain, Attorney at Law ---
**Author:** ![FranticMad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c68b51/32.png) [@FranticMad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FranticMad)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/921 "2003-01-08T20:41:57Z")
[Phone rings] “Scully here.” “Scully, remember the Hobbit who said his ring was stolen by a wizard.” “Uh, yyyeah, I remember some old guy with a highly active imagination and absolutely no evidence, Mulder.” “After the theft another Hobbit, named Frodo, was seen talking with that same six foot tall wizard named Gandalf.” “First of all Mulder, anyone over 4 feet tall will look like a wizard to these people. They live a secluded rural existence and don’t have a scientific culture that enables them to question old superstitions about wizards. All we know is that some tall guy with a cane showed up at their village.” “How do you explain why Frodo and three of his friends suddenly disappear on some journey with vague and mysterious itinerary.” “Mulder there could be a hundred explanations. Maybe they’re going on a weekend of drinking and gambling and don’t want their wives or girlfriends to know. Really, I don’t see why this is an X-file.” “For hundreds, or thousands of years, there have been stories about 9 rings of power, and how the one ring that ruled them all was lost, but destined to be found. And when it is found, it will enslave all creatures to its will.” “Okkkaaay…so you believe that a Hobbit had this supposed “ring of power” for years and just kept it on a shelf beside his pipe and smoking weed?” “He said the wizard used some kind of psychic influence to make him hand the ring over, which is consistent with other stories of wizards’ parapsychological abilities manifested in times of impending global conflict between forces of good and evil.” “Mulder. No one has ever seen a wizard…it, it’s just a figment of the imagination, based on paranoia, primitive cultural beliefs, or even dementia from old age or malnutrition. I mean, this Hobbit was, what, a hundred and ten years old?” “Eleventy one. A hundred and eleventy one.” “Whatever Mulder, there are lots of cases of lonely people creating stories just to get companionship.” “But what about the reports coming in from all over about faceless Wraiths riding at night in search of a Hobbit who carries a ring?” “Wraiths? What wraiths?” “Scully, I’ve couriered a plane ticket to you. My flight’s boarding now. I gotta go.” “ Mulder, where are you going? Have you cleared this assignment with Assistant Director Smeagol?” “Keep this under your hat, Scully. I’ll explain later when we meet. Bye.” [click] “Mulder. Where are you - where AM I going? Mulder? MULDER?? Mulder!" [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=45) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=47)