# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 49
**Author:** ![GreatPig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a5b964/32.png) [@GreatPig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreatPig)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/962 "2003-01-09T02:08:34Z")
If written by Victor Appleton II (author of the Tom Swift Jr books)… Faramir was in his laboratory in Minas Tirith, poring over the news that had just come in. The lord of the Nazgul had been spotted heading over the pass and down to the Anduin. “Look at that, Boromir!” Faramir exclaimed excitedly. “The witch king is coming!” “Jolly whiskers,” Boromir blurted, “He’ll soon be at our walls if we don’t do something pronto.” “Right!” Faramir confirmed quickly. “Grab those two small boxes over there, and meet me in the stables in five minutes.” Faramir dashed decisively from the room. He ran to his chamber where he picked up the Mithrillian Sonic Oscillator he’d finished assembling that morning. He still needed to work on a few adjustments, but he didn’t have time now. It would just have to do. Grabbing his jacket from the closet, he darted smartly out the door and down to the stables to meet Boromir. “Boromir, have you got the boxes?” Faramir queried. “Yes, Faramir,” Boromir acknowledged. “They’re right here.” “Good,” Faramir sighed with relief. “Load them onto that horse there, and follow me.” Faramir walked briskly to his horse, carefully tied the Mithrillian Sonic Oscillator across the saddle, and jumped up with a leap. “I’m right when you are,” Boromir indicated readily. “Great,” Faramir responded agreeably. “Let’s go then.” Spurring on their horses, the two sons of Denethor sped hastily down the path leading to the Anduin. There wasn’t much time now, and they’d be hard pressed to get there before the witch king. Faramir just hoped that the Mithrillian Sonic Oscillator would work as it had in the lab that morning, otherwise they would be in deep trouble. ---
**Author:** ![geekaroo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/da6949/32.png) [@geekaroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/geekaroo)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/963 "2003-01-09T02:18:27Z")
to the tune of Life Is A Rock by Reunion Bilbo Baggins and his stinger, Band of Orcs, blonde elven singers mithril cloak is at the ready, gollum fishing in an eddy, Took my precious, made in fire, liar liar, to the shire Withywindle, Frodo, Moria, when you’re weary, Lembas for ya Sauron Sauron, Tower Tower, gimme gimme ring of power Sam is cookin’ Took in trouble and Wraiths are cummin’ on the double King of Rohan, Known as a Rider, Aragorn, for now he’s Stider Emyn Muil, Spectors, Faerie, Archers, Elfin, Hobbits, hairy Entmood Entmoot, plan a warrin’ take the tower, break the door in. Life is a ring but the Wizard warned me Keep it off your finger, so ole Gandalf told told me (Hoom Hoom Hoom Hoom) Life is a ring but the Wizard warned me At the end of the journey a pipe waits for me * * * I am NOT taking full responsibility for this, my buddy helped me. I should add that this is the silliest thread I have ever had the pure wonderment of witnessing ---
**Author:** ![Tari\_Tiwele](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dfb087/32.png) [@Tari\_Tiwele](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tari_Tiwele)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/964 "2003-01-09T02:44:36Z")
What about a Jane Austen version? I would write it right now, but i have to decide who Frodo would end up marrying… ---
**Author:** ![Epigramcracker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5e9695/32.png) [@Epigramcracker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epigramcracker)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/965 "2003-01-09T03:02:40Z")
Time for some **BEATLEMANIA!!** Otherwise known as **Lord of the Ringo: A Medley** … Elrond: Here come old Frodo He just, volunteered slowly, And here’s, Gaaandalf Greyhame, he’s one Moldy oldy, and here’s Aaaaragooorn the fuuuture king– Legolas and Gimli step up Next for the fling– And here comes Gondor, well it’s Boooromir, and looks like Saaam and Merry and Pip, briiiing up the rear, askin, “Where are we… Going Please?” Now you are the Fellowship and you got to flee– Come together… Right now, over me… Frodo: What would you think if I went on a quest? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song, And I’ll try not to sing out of key, Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends, Yes, I don’t die with a little help from my friends, But I might cry if this little trip never ends… Gollum: Oh yeah I’ll… tell you something That might make you take wing, When I… say that something: I wanna take your RING! I wanna take your riiiiing– I wanna take your ring! Legolas: Orcs are dirty guys; so are all those Uruk-hais Saruman has grown. They want to destroy Middle Earth’s men, Ohh-oh-oh-oh… Gimli, Son of Gloin, Rohan’s army having joined, Strikes out all alone. I watch him sneak up on an orc so Slooow-oh-oh-oh… But as it’s getting ready to turn A slice comes from behind… Bang, bang, Gimli’s mithril aaaaxe Came down upon his head! Bang, bang, Gimli’s mithril aaaaxe Made sure that he was dead! * * * XD! This thread is going to go down in HISTORY. Btw, **quilterstein**!! Your Whitman was AWESOME! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Wobin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ec9cab/32.png) [@Wobin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wobin)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/966 "2003-01-09T03:05:26Z")
Nah, I want someone to do an adaptation of _“It’s The End Of The World As We Know It”_ by **REM** =O) * * * That’s great, it starts with a Ringwraith, elves and mates, a Shadowfax, and Aragorn is not afraid Eye of a Sauron, listen to yourself moan, Middle Earth has a need, Hobbits serve that need Feed it off with Lembas, scream, no strength, swords start to clatter with fight, arrows down from heights Speak through the palantir, representing nine beings, an elf council for hire and river fight Going to Westernesse, and going in a hurry with a Gollum breathing down your neck… Hobbits of the Shire are baffled, burnt, razed, cropped Look at it all burning! Fire, then Uh, oh, overflow, flooding of Orthanc, but it’ll do Save yourself, serve yourself Smeogal serves his own needs, listen to the Ring bleed, stunned with the rapture and the revered of his precious right You vitriolic, hobbitonic, slam, fight, glass light, feeling pretty psyched It’s the end of Middle Earth as we know it It’s the end of Middle Earth as we know it It’s the end of Middle Earth as we know it and I feel fine! ---
**Author:** ![zem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4491bb/32.png) [@zem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zem)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/967 "2003-01-09T03:32:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by HBergeron \* > \*\*Mr. Cheatem, > > Thank you for your prompt reply to my letter of 8 January regarding the dispute between Administrator Sauron and Mr. Baggins. We have reviewed your claims and, I am sorry to say, find them wanting. > > ``` > The cases you cite refer to matters involving lost property. The instant case is distinguished due to the fact that my client did not in fact lose the property in question but, rather, was a victim of a robbery. To whit, the ring in question was taken from him by the application if deadly force. We are well aware that some have suggested that said robber did then proceed to lose my client's ring. But, if you insist upon denying my client's right to the return of his property, we intend to argue in court that, insofar as Isildur's possession of the ring was unlawful, no later possessor can have a greater rights of title in it than he did. > > As regards your claim that the Statute of Limitations is a bar to suit, we intend to argue that Mr. Baggins should not be able to use the law as a shield to hide his wrongful possession of my client's property and that the Statute should not be considered to have tolled until my client became aware of the identity of the party in possession. > > Please note that the very cases you cite in support of your position can in fact be construed as supporting my client: In each of those cases, the finder of the lost property at issue turned said property over to higher authority in hopes that the true owner would be found. The finder only gained rightful title when such true owner was not found within a reasonable time. Your client made no such effort to facilitate the return of my client's property to him. Contrarywise, your client actively and willfully hid the ring from even his closest acquaintances, so anxious was he to prevent the rightful owner from discovering its whereabouts. We will therefore argue that it would be unjust enrichment for him to be allowed to retain my client's property under those precedents. See, eg., Attorney General of Canada v. RJR Tobacco Holding (2nd Cir 2001) (profit from crime is unjust enrichment) > > I should add, by the way, that my client was only able to find your client, and hereby seek to assert his rightful title to the ring in question, after considerable time and expense. If we are in fact forced to litigate this matter, we will of course request compensatory damages for the full amount of said expenses. My client is willing to waive any such claim if your client will agree to simply return the ring forthwith. > > My client is quite elderly and, as was implied in my previous letter, is in a state of especially poor health. He has become quite fixated on regaining possession of his ring. He is, in fact, convinced that he will not recover from his current infirmity without it. Any effort on your part to convince your client to be reasonable and allow an old man to enter his twilight years with the small peace of mind the return of this bauble would grant to him would be sincerely appreciated. I look forward to your positive response. > > ``` > > Sincerely, > Grima Crebain > Attorney at Law \*\* **WITHOUT PREJUDICE** /U] \*\*Re: Sauron ats Baggins \*\* Dear Grima Crebain: Thank you for your letter of reply dated January 8th, last. While we understand that the property in question may be of great sentimental value to Mr. Sauron, your client is, in fact, responsible for the burden of proof that Mr. Sauron does, indeed, retain the claim of current ownership of the property in question. We both know, of course, that such issue will not only be difficult to prove, particularly when one considers the length of time involved in which said property was in the possession of our client and members of his family, but that certain mitigating circumstances which have become known to us, will effectively cloud the issue of ownership to the point that any efforts on your part to prove said claim will be fruitless. According to information provided to us by our client and certain witnesses, Isuldur, the King’s son, cut the Ring from Sauron’s finger during an openly declared Act of War and, as such, the Spoils of War Rule will apply, and effectively render your client’s claim of the alleged theft of such property from your client’s possession, null and void. We are further informed that, after a time, Isildur was also slain and the Ring fell into a river where it was lost for many years. It is our understanding that the ring came upon the possession of of the creature Gollum, who bore it for five hundred years. He lost it, and a travelling hobbit called Bilbo Baggins, our client’s uncle found same while on vacation. I remind you that, the Statute of Limitation, with respect to all matters generally are quite clear, as set out in the Limitations Act, namely: - a basic limitation period of 2 years which would start from the day the person finds out, or should have found out, about the injury, loss or damage he or she suffered and who caused it; and - an ultimate limitation period of 15 years after which a claim may be barred, regardless of the plaintiff’s state of knowledge. The period runs from the day the act or omission on which the claim is based takes place. Given the fact that your client has not had possession of the said property for well over 500 years, it would seem prudent that not only would the Statute of Limitations obviously apply hereto, it would therefore be all that is necessary to declare your client’s claim of ownership null and void under the Law. Given the limitations of all actions to a maximum of only 15 years, regardless of such claims, your claim that your client’s right to claim not be tolled until he became aware of the identity of the party in possession is likewise null and void. We are entirely confident that no competent Court would remove said property from my client’s possession and ae prepared to commence necessary legal action in order to protect our client’s claims. Moreover, if your client persists to proceed to a legal action before the Court in this matter, we are prepared to bring forth a number of reliable and expert witnesses who, under discovery, will show that your client is clearly determined to use such property for illegal and unethical means. In consideration of such obviously odious use of the property in question, that your client would undertake if he had possession of same, it is clear to us that the Court will decidedly rule in our favour. Furthermore, we wish to inform you that, in any Statement of Defence issued by our office, in addition to asking the Court for costs on a solicitor-client basis, we will also ask the Court to grant that extensive punitive damages be levied against your client for bringing such wrongful and malicious action against our client, for attempting to obtain said property for the sole purpose of conducting malevolent acts against others. We recommend that you kindly govern yourself accordingly and remain, Yours faithfully, Dewey Cheatem & Howe Barristers and Solicitors per: I.M. Cheatem, Q.C. ---
**Author:** ![systems\_curmudgeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/db5fbb/32.png) [@systems\_curmudgeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/systems_curmudgeon)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/968 "2003-01-09T03:44:53Z")
There is a Kashrus alert regarding the status of Lembas manufactured in Lothlorien after the October 6, 3018. These Lembas packets bear an unauthorized O-U. Lothlorien Lembas are kosher, but are actually supervised by the Vaad HaValar of mid-Western Middel Earth. The Lembas are made on dairy equipment, and may cause allergies in hobbit-like creatures extremely allergic to milk protein. ---
**Author:** ![systems\_curmudgeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/db5fbb/32.png) [@systems\_curmudgeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/systems_curmudgeon)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/969 "2003-01-09T03:49:07Z")
Abbott: Well, Costello, I’m going to Helm’s Deep with you. The defense’s manager, Aragorn, he gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re defending the wall. Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know about all the creatures in the battle. Abbott: I certainly do. Costello: Well you know I’ve never met them guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names. Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these creatures now-a-days very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names. Abbott: Yeah, names like Celebrian, Turambar, Butterbur… Costello: Well, what I want to find out, see, when we rout the Orcs, whose going to finish them off? Abbott: Huorns. Costello: Who? Abbott: Huorns. Costello: Who all’s gonna rout the Orcs? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Who? Abbott: Huorns. Costello: I DON’T CARE who owns! Now look, suppose we have some great hero, and we’ll win the battle, because one of our guys will be unstoppable, because, the hero will lend his magic sword to our unstoppable guy. Abbott: Elendil’s sword. Costello: He’ll lend whose sword? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: He’ll lend his sword. Abbott: That’s it. Costello: That’s who? Abbott: Not Who. Huorns. Costello: Look, we’re outnumbered here in Helm’s deep. If all the elves from the first and second ages were alive today, then who’s ready to help us? Abbott: Huor. Costello: I am? Abbott: No, Huor. Costello: Huor? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: You’re ready to help? Abbott: He would be ready to help. Costello: If I mentioned his name, who did I say who is ready to help? Abott: Huor. Costello: Look, I’m really afraid of staying here and fighting this battle, because I don’t even know what I’m talking about! Is there anyone who can carry me away from here? Abbott: Gwaihir. Costello: Not here, somewhere else! Abbott: I’m telling you, Gwaihir! Costello: And I’m asking you, why NOT here? Abbott: That’s what I’m telling you. Costello: Now look, maybe I AM a good fighter. I fight here with Huor and he lends his sword, and I win the battle and the Orcs go to the Huorns and I call Gwai right here, and he carries me to Mount Doom, and I take the ring, and I realize I can’t cast it into the mountain, so I have to call some beasts to bite it off my finger, so what do I call’em? Abbott: Gollum? Oh, he’s our shortstop. ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/970 "2003-01-09T03:50:07Z")
LOTR meets Les Miserables, part 2: On Our Own (sung by Gollum/Smeagol) And now we’re all alone again Nowhere to go, no one to turn to Without a friend to call our own Without someone to say ‘hello’ to And now the night is near Now we can make believe It’sssss here Sometimes we walks alone at night When everybody else is sleeping We thinkssss of It and then we’re happy With the company we’re keeping Middle-Earth goes to bed And we can lives inside our head On our own Pretending It’s beside us All alone, we walks with It til morning Without It we feels the ring around our finger And when we lose our way we closessss our eyesssss And He has found us… In the rain The Dead Marsh shines like silver And the lights are misty in the river In the darknessssss the treessss are full of starlight And all we seess is It and me Forever and forever And I know It’s only in my mind That I’m talking to myself And not to It And although I know that Hobbitsessss is blind Still I say there’s a way For us I love It But when the night is over It is gone The Dead Marsh is just a river WIthout It, the world around us changessss The treessss are bare and Everywhere, seems Mordor’s full of strangerssss I love It But every day I’m learning All our life We’d only be pretending Without me, its world would go on turning A world that’s full of happiness That I have never known We loves It We loves It We lovessss It… But only on our own… ---
**Author:** ![SethE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@SethE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SethE)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/971 "2003-01-09T03:51:38Z")
Hey now, how can anyone forget George R. R. Martin in there? ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/972 "2003-01-09T04:12:40Z")
LOTR meets Chess (again with apologies) Who Needs a Dream (sung by Galadriel, reprise by Boromir, reprise by Faromir, etc…) Who needs a dream? Who needs ambition? Who’d be the fool in my position? Year after year, I’m still denying That I want the Ring, tho Middle-Earth’s dying But then, You and I We’ve seen it all Chasing our heart’s desire Still we go on pretending Stories like ours have happy endings… ---
**Author:** ![Urthgar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9fc29f/32.png) [@Urthgar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urthgar)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/973 "2003-01-09T04:40:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fiat Lux \* > \*\*You don’t know nearly enough about anything about the Ring. > > ‘The One Ring, it’s like big-ass magic’, said Tom Bombadil. > > Frodo closed his eyes and inhaled the rich smoke of Bombadil’s pure Old Forest black hash. > > _gandalf is screaming_ > > ‘It can, like, turn you invisible. Make you a dark lord, or a ring-wraith, man. Isildur got his hands on it when his bunch formed an alliance with those GILGALAD elf bastards to kick the big red eye’s big red ass, but the whole thing turned crazy’ > > ‘I don’t believe you’ > > ‘That’s because you don’t know nearly enough about anything about the Ring’, said Bombadil. ‘And your mind’s switched off’ > > _gandalf is still screaming_ > > You’re not listening to me, Meriadoc. Tell me where the One Ring is. We represent the Urak-Hai ORC organization. You’ve heard of us, haven’t you? NOW. Tell me where the One Ring is! > > _Three rings for the elven kings under the sky > Seven for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone > Twenty three because twenty three is the most discordant number > Scooby-dooby-doo_ > > ‘Bombadil! Boromir!’, said Pippin suddenly. Sam was in the corner performing graphic sex acts with Goldberry. > > ‘What?’, asked Frodo. > > ‘Isn’t it obvious? Their names… he was so smug, that bastard, he evn let it be similar. _They’re the same person!_’ > > _lalalallalalal. I’m cleverer than you are_ > > ‘You haven’t even met Boromir yet. We’re still in the first part of the book. Anyway, Bombadil works for Galadriel’s splinter faction of ELF. Boromir hates them!’ > > ‘Frodo. There is no such organization as ELF. It was created by Gandalf in the Second Age as a front organization for the real conspiracy ELVES’ > > ‘How do you know?’ > > ‘Because I and my four quintuplets have been working for the Nazgul conspiracy all along’ > > Fnord > > -excerpt from ‘Stuff You Didn’t Know That I’m Not Going To Tell You About The Lord of the Rings’, by Robert Anton Wilson \*\* Hail Eris!!! ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/974 "2003-01-09T04:42:45Z")
HOWL of the HOBBIT for Bilbo Baggins I I saw the best hobbits of my shire destroyed by madness, starving for second breakfast, hysterical, naked. dragging themselves through orcish streets at dawn looking for the Cracks of Doom, grayheaded wizards burning as they fall through the ancient chasms into the depths of Moria in the machinery of night, who isolated and tattered and alone sat high up dreaming of pipeweed in the supernatural darkness of the top of the spire of Orthanc as visionary incomparable eagles floated across the sky to the tops of towers contemplating jazz, who bared their brains to Sauron under the palantir and saw the Eye demonic and angelic in the night sky of Mordor illuminated, who passed through the pass of Caradhras with radiant cool gloveless hands and feet hallucinating of hobbitholes and Bag End and Feanor-like tragediy among the scholars of war, who were expelled from the Council of Wizards for crazy & defying the endless enormous eyebrows of the White Wizard and publishing obscene inscriptions on Rings of Power, who cowered disembodied in unshaved rooms in Minas Morgul, burning their Ringwraiths, who got busted in their pubic insubstantiality in Rohan by a horsewoman and a lonesome hobbit, who… OK, you get the picture. Apologies to Mr. Ginsburg… ---
**Author:** ![Urthgar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9fc29f/32.png) [@Urthgar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urthgar)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/975 "2003-01-09T04:43:03Z")
Just found this stuff and have spent HOURS glued to the screen - and it’s well past my bedtime. Dunno if it’s been done but I’m thinking of a Harold Pinter take. ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/976 "2003-01-09T04:44:53Z")
LOTR meets The Mamas and The Papas (truly, I’m sorry!!! I can’t stop!!!) Frodo (and Hobbits): All the leaves are brown (all the leaves are brown) And the Wizard gray (and the Wizard gray) We went for a walk (We went for a walk) On a winter’s day (on a winter’s day) Sam (and Hobbits): We’d be safe and warm (We’d be safe and warm) If we were in the Shire (if we were in the Shire) Bag’s End Dreamin’ (Bag’s End Dreamin’) on such a winter’s day Gimli: Stopped into a mine shaft I knew, along the way Legolas (and Hobbit chorus): Well, I got down on my knees (Got down on my knees) And I armed my bow (He armed his bow) You know, the cave troll likes the cold (Cave trolls like the cold) Frodo (and Hobbits): Gandalf knows i’m gonna go (knows he’s gonna go) Sam (and Hobbits): Bag’s End dreamin’ (Bag’s End dreamin’) On such a winter’s day (flute solo) Frodo (and Hobbits): All the leaves are brown (all the leaves are brown) And the Wizard gray (and the Wizard gray) I’ve been for a walk (I’ve been for a walk) On a winter’s day (on a winter’s day) Aragorn (and Legolas and Gimli): If I didn’t tell her (if he didn’t tell her) We could leave today (we could leave today) Sam (and Hobbits): Bag’s End Dreamin’ (Bag’s End dreamin’) on such a winter’s day ``` Bag's End Dreamin' on such a winter's day Bag's End Dreamin' on such a winter's day ``` ---
**Author:** ![MaroonEagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@MaroonEagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaroonEagle)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/977 "2003-01-09T05:04:53Z")
The Tale of Frodo Baggins by Beatrix Potter Once upon a time there were four little Hobbits, and their names were Pippin, Merry, Sam-wise, and Frodo. They lived with Frodo’s uncle Bilbo Baggins in the Shire, underneath the root of a very big fir-tree. ‘Now, my dears,’ said old Mr. Baggins one morning, ‘you may go into the fields or down the lane, but don’t go into Saruman’s garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by the Uruk-Hai.’ Now run along, and don’t get into mischief. I am going out.’ Then old Mr. Baggins took a ring and his umbrella, and went through the Forbidden Forest to the baker’s. He bought a packet of pipeweed and five currant buns. Pippin, Merry, and Sam-wise, who were good little hobbits, went down the lane to gather blackberries: But Frodo, who was very naughty, ran straight to Saruman’s garden, and squeezed under the gate! First he ate some lettuces and some Gondor beans; and then he ate some radishes; And then, feeling rather sick, he went to look for some parsley. But round the end of a cucumber frame, whom should he meet but Saruman! Saruman was on his hands and knees planting out young cabbages, but he jumped up and ran after Frodo, waving a staff and calling out, ‘Stop thief!’ Frodo was most dreadfully frightened; he rushed all over the garden, for he had forgotten the way back to the gate. He ran on four legs and went faster, so that I think he might have got away altogether if he had not unfortunately run into a gooseberry net, and got caught by the large buttons on his jacket. It was a blue jacket with brass buttons, quite new. Frodo gave himself up for lost, and shed big tears; but his sobs were overheard by some friendly sparrows, who flew to him in great excitement, and implored him to exert himself. Saruman came up with a sieve, which he intended to pop upon the top of Frodo; but Frodo wriggled out just in time, leaving his jacket behind him. And rushed into the tool-shed, and jumped into a can. It would have been a beautiful thing to hide in, if it had not had so much water in it. Saruman was quite sure that Frodo was somewhere in the tool-shed, perhaps hidden underneath a flower-pot. He began to turn them over carefully, looking under each. Presently Frodo sneezed - ‘Kertyschoo!’ Saruman was after him in no time. And tried to put a foot upon Frodo, who jumped out of a window, upsetting three plants. The window was too small for Saruman, and he was tired of running after Frodo. He went back to his work. Frodo sat down to rest; he was out of breath and trembling with fright, and he had not the least idea which way to go. Also he was very damp with sitting in that can. After a time he began to wander about, going lippity—lippity—not very fast, and looking all around. He found a door in a wall; but it was locked, and there was no room for a fat little hobbit to squeeze underneath. An old dwarf was running in and out over the stone doorstep, carrying peas and beans to her family in the wood. Frodo asked her the way to the gate, but she had such a large pea in her mouth that she could not answer. She only shook her head at him. Frodo began to cry. Then he tried to find his way straight across the garden, but he became more and more puzzled. Presently, he came to a pond where Saruman filled his water-cans. An Uruk-Hai was staring at some gold-fish, he sat very, very still, but now and then the tip of his head twitched as if it were alive. Frodo thought it best to go away without speaking to him; he had heard about Uruk-Hai from his friend, Gandalf the Grey. He went back towards the tool-shed, but suddenly, quite close to him, he heard the noise of a hoe— scr-r-ritch, scratch, scratch, scritch. Frodo scuttered underneath the bushes. But presently, as nothing happened, he came out, and climbed upon a wheelbarrow and peeped over. The first thing he saw was Saruman hoeing onions. His back was turned towards Frodo, and beyond him was the gate! Frodo got down very quietly off the wheelbarrow, and started running as fast as he could go, along a straight walk behind some black-currant bushes. Saruman caught sight of him at the corner but Frodo did not care. He slipped underneath the gate, and was safe at last in the wood outside the garden. Saruman hung up the little jacket and the shoes for a scare-dragon to frighten the balrogs. Frodo never stopped running or looked behind him till he got home to the big fir-tree. He was so tired that he flopped down on the floor of the hobbit-home, and shut his eyes. Bilbo was busy cooking; he wondered what he had done with his clothes. It was the second little jacket and pair of shoes that Frodo had lost in a fortnight! I am sorry to say that Frodo was not very well during the evening. His uncle put him to bed, and made some camomile tea; and he gave a dose of it to Frodo! ‘One table-spoonful to be taken at bed-time.’ But Pippin, Merry, and Sam-wise had bread and milk and blackberries for supper. THE END. ---
**Author:** ![Jurassic\_Marque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Jurassic\_Marque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurassic_Marque)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/978 "2003-01-09T05:13:08Z")
I joined intending to lurk, but it seems only AndLuna has posted haikus. This person humbly adds: Peter Jackson’s film Took some plot-line liberties: What an improvement! Has anyone considered doing Moorcock’s Jerry Cornelius as Frodo? ---
**Author:** ![erislover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71e660/32.png) [@erislover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erislover)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/979 "2003-01-09T05:14:22Z")
Gandalf I know you’re going to be upset Cause I was always your little hobbit But you should know by know, that I’m not a baby. I use to play with your beard so long And your approval made me feel strong Maybe you don’t think I can play the part but I know what I’m saying The Ring you warned Bilbo all about The one you said Middle Earth could do without We’re in an awful mess and I don’t mean maybe… Pleaaaaaase… The Fellowship broke I don’t know if I can cope The Fellowship broke And only Sam’s givin’ me hope But I made up my mind, IIIIIIIII’m saving the M. E. [Middle earth] I’m gonna save M. E. Sauron seems like he can see me And his ringwraiths are like a scary family Maybe I can hide alright But it’s a sacrifice People from Gondor keep telling me to give it up saying they’ve got a use for tearin’ shit up What I need right now Is some good pipe-weed Pleaaaaase… The Fellowship broke I don’t know if I can cope The Fellowship broke And only Sam’s givin’ me hope But I made up my mind, IIIIIIIII’m saving the M. E. I’m gonna save M. E. Smeagol Smeagol, if Gandalf could only see Just how twisted you can be He’d spank my Hobbit ass right now 'cause you are my guide… you are my guide Don’t you give up on me Sammy, I know I’m going crazy… ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/980 "2003-01-09T05:37:04Z")
Lord of the Rings by John Grisham: At least he looked like an old farmer, with straw hat, clean bib overalls, neatly pressed khaki workshirt, boots. He smoked and blew smoke rings, reflected in the black water beneath the pier. He smoked like a farmer. His cart, though of rcent model, was sufficiently weathered and had a dusty-road look about it. It was a short distance away, parked in the sand at the other end of the pier. It was midnight, Monday, the day of the birthday party, and for the next thirty minutes he ws to wait in the dark coolness of the deserted pier, smoking pensively, resting on the railing while staring intently downstream. He was alone, as he knew he would be. It was planned that way. This pier at this hour was always deserted. The cart was not from the Shire, and neither was the farmer. The cart had been stolen from a farm house in Rohan, near Helm’s Deep. The farmer was not from anywhere, and performed none of the thievery. He was a pro, and so someone else did the dirty little deeds. The farmer carefully placed his pipe between his lips, lit it again, puffed twice, then blew a perfect smoke ring, and sent a neat ship up through it. “What kind of pipeweed?” came a voice from out on the river. The man who had spoken could see the outlnie of the farmer on the pier, but not the face. “Black Swan” the farmer answered. These passwords made for such a silly game. How many other doors in the Shire had black marks on them and how many other piers on this river had farmers with carts smoking and blowing smoke rings? Silly, but oh so important. “Gandalf?” came the voice from the boat. “Stryder,” replied the farmer. The name was Aragorn, not Stryder, but Stryder would do until the raft was pulled up on shore. Aragorn did not answer, was not required to, but quickly guided the raft up onto the shore. Gandalf followed from above, on the pier. They met at the cart without a handshake. Aragorn placed his black satchel between them on the seat, and they started along the shoreline. Aragorn drove and Gandalf smoked, and both did a perfect job of ignoring each other… ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/981 "2003-01-09T05:38:17Z")
You do not sing, you do not sing Any more, gold ring In which I have lived like a finger For thirty days, poor and hairy-footed Barely daring to breathe or smoke anything. Ring of Power, I have had to melt you You fell in before I had time– Disembodied, and tower full of God, Ghastly being with one big eye Big as a Haradrim’s oliphaunt And a castle on the orcish Sea of Nurnen Where it pours troll’s blood black over blue In the waters of the Dead Marshes. I used to pray to possess you In the Orcish tongue, in the Rohirrim town Pressed flat by the feet Of orcs, orcs, orcs But the name of the keep is common. My dwarvish friend Says there are a dozen caves or two. So I never could tell from whence you Were forged, were cast in gold I never could wear you My finger stuck in my pocket It stuck in an orcish snare. Grr Grr Grr Grr I thought every Ringwraith was you. And the Black Speech obscene A seige engine, a seige engine Chuffing me off like an elf. An elf to Mordor, to Morgul, to Barad Dur I began to talk like an elf I think I may be an elf The snows of Caradhras, the hallowed mines of Moria Are not very pure or true. With my thief Baggins ancestor and my Lorien mirror And my Pippin Took and my Pippin Took I may be a bit of an elf. I have always been scared of you, With your palantir, your Gorgoroth. And your unblinking eye, glowing wroth. Maiar Man, Maiar Man, oh You Not wizard but a posey ring So golden no soul could squeak through. Every hobbit adores a Nazgul, The black knife in the flesh The cold cruel wraith of a wraith like you. You hover over the horizon, Sauron, In the image I have of you, A fire in your eye instead of your heart But no less a devil for that, no not Any less the black monster who Broke my poor little will in two I had ten fingers when I first wore you. When I had nine I thought I was through No going back, back, back to you I thought maybe the lava would do. But Gollum, he wanted it too And he bit my poor ringfinger in two. And then he knew what to do. He danced around without further ado A precious thing, this precious ring With a love of the dark and the doom And he said, I finally have you So Sauron, I’m finally through. The Black Rider’s head’s off at the root, And Grima just can’t worm through. If I’ve lost one ring, I’ve lost three– Narya, Vilya, Nenya and thee Lothlorien won’t last the year Rivendell’s already a memory. Sauron, you can lie back now. There’s a ring in your blood black crack And the humanfolk never liked you. They are slaying and laying into you. Sauron, Sauron, you bastard, I’m through. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=48) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=50)