# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 50
**Author:** ![HBergeron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HBergeron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HBergeron)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/982 "2003-01-09T05:49:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by v00izs00k \* > \*\*Gregg Easterbrook (the Tuesday Morning Quarterback) writes for [espn.com](http://espn.com)’s page 2. A very good read each week. 😃 > [ESPN: Serving sports fans. Anytime. Anywhere.](http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/archive?columnist=easterbrook_gregg&root=page2) > > _ahem_ > > The Tuesday Morning Hobbit > > \*Naturally of course, the Tuesday Morning Hobbit didn’t catch last night’s siege of Helm’s Deep. Why? Well, because due to a lack of government regulations, the siege was only availble on DirectTV. Now, the TMH would love to have DirectTV, why he wouldn’t miss a single fight. Sadly the TMH is stuck in the Shire, where it seems that no dish provider has ever, or will ever, visit. So the TMH is stuck with watching local grass growing competition down near Bag End. Luckily, the TMH has friends in high places, and he was later able to catch the whole she-bang. > > Either way, onward we go!\*. \*\* From one _TMQ_ addict to another: This is pure genius! Bravo! ---
**Author:** ![Pucky\_Schumer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@Pucky\_Schumer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucky_Schumer)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/983 "2003-01-09T05:57:57Z")
**If “Lord of the Rings” had been written by Bill Gates.** It was a beautiful day in Bag End as Bilbo prepared to celebrate his birt– GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT crash (reboot) … to celebrate his birthday. He was happy to have a secret that he was going to spring on everyone when all the Hob– FATAL EXCEPTION 0C: STACK FAULT crash (reboot) (Text lost) It was a beautiful day in Bag End when Bilbo looked out his windows BLUE SCREEN ---
**Author:** ![Pucky\_Schumer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@Pucky\_Schumer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucky_Schumer)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/984 "2003-01-09T06:25:46Z")
**A Very Brady Fellowship** Here’s the story Of the Hobbit Frodo Who was bringing this One Ring into Mount Doom. Also there, the wizard Gandalf. Until that bridge went ‘boom.’ Here’s the story Of a man named Strider Who was busy on a questing of his own. Elves and dwarves, they all had cities But humans had no throne. Till the one day when the Hobbit met with Strider And they knew it was time to take a trip, That this group would be Sauron’s undoing. That’s the way we all became the Fellowship. The Fellowship, the Fellowship. That’s the way we all became the Fellowship. ---
**Author:** ![HBergeron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HBergeron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HBergeron)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/985 "2003-01-09T06:26:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by zem \* > \*\ ***WITHOUT PREJUDICE** /u] > \*\*Re: Sauron ats Baggins \*\* > > Dear Grima Crebain: > > Thank you for your letter of reply dated January 8th, last. > > While we understand that the property in question may be of great sentimental value to Mr. Sauron, your client is, in fact, responsible for the burden of proof that Mr. Sauron does, indeed, retain the claim of current ownership of the property in question. We both know, of course, that such issue will not only be difficult to prove, particularly when one considers the length of time involved in which said property was in the possession of our client and members of his family, but that certain mitigating circumstances which have become known to us, will effectively cloud the issue of ownership to the point that any efforts on your part to prove said claim will be fruitless. > > According to information provided to us by our client and certain witnesses, Isuldur, the King’s son, cut the Ring from Sauron’s finger during an openly declared Act of War and, as such, the Spoils of War Rule will apply, and effectively render your client’s claim of the alleged theft of such property from your client’s possession, null and void. > > We are further informed that, after a time, Isildur was also slain and the Ring fell into a river where it was lost for many years. It is our understanding that the ring came upon the possession of of the creature Gollum, who bore it for five hundred years. He lost it, and a travelling hobbit called Bilbo Baggins, our client’s uncle found same while on vacation. > > I remind you that, the Statute of Limitation, with respect to all matters generally are quite clear, as set out in the Limitations Act, namely: > > - a basic limitation period of 2 years which would start from the day the person finds out, or should have found out, about the injury, loss or damage he or she suffered and who caused it; and > > - an ultimate limitation period of 15 years after which a claim may be barred, regardless of the plaintiff’s state of knowledge. The period runs from the day the act or omission on which the claim is based takes place. > > Given the fact that your client has not had possession of the said property for well over 500 years, it would seem prudent that not only would the Statute of Limitations obviously apply hereto, it would therefore be all that is necessary to declare your client’s claim of ownership null and void under the Law. Given the limitations of all actions to a maximum of only 15 years, regardless of such claims, your claim that your client’s right to claim not be tolled until he became aware of the identity of the party in possession is likewise null and void. We are entirely confident that no competent Court would remove said property from my client’s possession and ae prepared to commence necessary legal action in order to protect our client’s claims. > > Moreover, if your client persists to proceed to a legal action before the Court in this matter, we are prepared to bring forth a number of reliable and expert witnesses who, under discovery, will show that your client is clearly determined to use such property for illegal and unethical means. In consideration of such obviously odious use of the property in question, that your client would undertake if he had possession of same, it is clear to us that the Court will decidedly rule in our favour. > > Furthermore, we wish to inform you that, in any Statement of Defence issued by our office, in addition to asking the Court for costs on a solicitor-client basis, we will also ask the Court to grant that extensive punitive damages be levied against your client for bringing such wrongful and malicious action against our client, for attempting to obtain said property for the sole purpose of conducting malevolent acts against others. > > We recommend that you kindly govern yourself accordingly and remain, > > Yours faithfully, > > Dewey Cheatem & Howe > Barristers and Solicitors > > per: > I.M. Cheatem, Q.C. \*\* Mr. Cheatem, ``` After consulting with my client, I am now given to understand that the aforementioned robbery was perpetrated by the leader of a large contingent of trespassers and, in fact, took place on his at his very doorstep. I was previously unaware of this tortious conduct because my client, after a lengthy period of reflection and consultation with his spiritual advisors, had decided to forgive the malefactors and, so, chose not to prosecute his rightful claims in tort against them. However, since you now appear determined to force my client to revisit these awful and emotionally distressing events, we have no choice but to address them. It is my client's contention that at the time that this gang of hoodlums trespassed upon his property, assaulted not only himself but his entire household,\ and robbed him, he was peacefully attending to the education of the underprivileged races he had magnanimously taken into his care. He found it necessary to shelter these poor beings due to the inveterate and unconscionable racial discrimination they suffered at the hands of men and elves outside the boundaries of the Principality which he is honoured to administer. At no time didmy client, by any action or inaction, cause said trespass or in way provoke the aforesaid aggression on the part of Isuldur and his gang. As such, we stand firm in our conviction that his possession of the item of personal property in question - and that of any subsequent takers - was in fact unlawful. We are confident that, should it become necessary to litigate this matter, we will have no difficulty persuading a jury of fair-minded citizens that any witnesses you may bring to impeach my client's character can and will be shown to be motivated primarily by the very racial animus against which he has fought for so long. Ample evidence exists, after all, that your client, his uncle, and the majority of their intimate associates are in fact brigands whose fell deeds, including but not limited to multiple homicides of members of "undesireable races", are as notorious as they are odious. The credibility of any such witnesses will therefore be so low that we are doubtful that the jury will give much wieght to any testimony they may offer as to ancillary matters. Insofar as you have no means - apart from the dubious testimony of such ruffians and murderers - by which to prove your assertions as to the manner in which Mr. Baggins came into possession of my client's property, we are entriely confident that the court will render a judgment in our favour. However, as I have repeatedly said, it is our sincere hope that no such unpleasantness will be necessary. Despite his advanced age and medical infirmity, my client has bent over backward to be reasonable, even offering to pay any expenses associated with the return of his property. I expect your prompt and affirmative reply by return mail. ``` Sincerely, Grima Crebain, Attorney at Law cc: Johnny Cochran, Associate Counsel ---
**Author:** ![erislover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71e660/32.png) [@erislover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erislover)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/986 "2003-01-09T06:46:17Z")
**Pucky** :applause: ---
**Author:** ![Nemaihne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/87869e/32.png) [@Nemaihne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nemaihne)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/987 "2003-01-09T07:00:52Z")
IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single wizard in possession of a great power must be in want of a ring. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering middle earth, this ring is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding beings, that it is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of the inhabitants. `My dear Mr. Frodo,'' said Gandalf to him one day, `have you heard that Barad Dur is let at last?’’ Mr. Frodo replied that he had not. `But it is,'' returned he; `for Mr. Gollum has just been here, and he told me all about it.’’ Mr. Frodo made no answer. `Does not he want to know who has taken it?'' cried Gandalf impatiently. `You want to tell me what to do, and I have no objection to hearing it.’’ This was invitation enough. * * * “You deserve a longer letter than this; but it is my unhappy fate seldom to treat people so well as they deserve.” -Jane Austen ---
**Author:** ![MadPoet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8c91f0/32.png) [@MadPoet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadPoet)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/988 "2003-01-09T07:02:50Z")
Boromir’s final song, as performed by Twisted Sister. We’re not gonna take it No! We aint gonna take it! We’re not gonna take it to Mordor! We’ve got the ring of power Now lets get back to Gondor Save our own life, write our own song We’ll fight the hordes of Mordor Back to that ol big black door Give me that ring, it wont take long We’re not gonna take it No! We aint gonna take it! We’re not gonna take it to Mordor! Sauron is not all that bad I’ll give the ring to my dad He’ll know just what, what we should do Your life don’t have to end here Get back to your dear shire Give me the ring, I’ll run you through! Oh… Oh… Three Rings (Elves!) Seven More (Dwarves!) And Nine (Men!) The One (All!) We’re not gonna take it No! We aint gonna take it! We’re not gonna take it to Mordor! (repeat) Spoken: Orcs are worthless and weak! ---
**Author:** ![rewinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7ea924/32.png) [@rewinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rewinn)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/989 "2003-01-09T07:08:00Z")
- Driving Theoden mad: One Grima - Leading Denethor to dispair and suborning Saruman: Two Palantirs - Creating the Nazgul: Nine Rings - Dominating all that lives: Precious! Some peoples in Middle Earth are free. For everyone else, there’s MasterRing! ---
**Author:** ![Trollificus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@Trollificus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trollificus)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/990 "2003-01-09T07:15:29Z")
Amicus Curiae Statement from Tom Bombadil: Zem, HBergeron, it is clear that this case is going to be decided in the trenches of jury selection and the battle over jusridiction. For instance…were the case tried in Fifth Circuit Court, Minas Morgul before Judge Wormtongue and a jury of Uruk-Hai and Orcs, we might expect a verdict in favor of complainant, incorporeal or not. OTOH, Third Circuit Court of Rivendell, presided over by Judge Elrond (if he were not forced to recuse himself) and a jury of Elves, Hobbits and Men, would likely find for the Hobbit. On yet another hand, the Tenth Circuit Appeals Court in Denver, with a jury of retards, retirees and unemployed trailer park dwellers would probably be instructed to find that the Ring go into recievership until the several millenia of back taxes were paid. I fear this matter, though, will be decided outside court Through action, not by law or precedent or or tort. As for myself, I’ll dance down flowered secret paths all your contentions soon forgot, and sing a song so merry, and soon bring gifts of herb and laughter to my dear Goldberry. ---
**Author:** ![mocroidh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@mocroidh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mocroidh)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/991 "2003-01-09T07:43:22Z")
More haiku… The Two Towers Book Three The Departure of Boromir Goodbye, Boromir. Frodo and Sam have left us. Let’s all hunt some orc! The Riders of Rohan See Aragorn run. They meet with Eomer’s band- Orcs slain; hobbits gone… The Uruk-Hai Hobbits are kidnapped; Orcs fight, ambushed by Rohan. Hobbits then escape! Treebeard Do not be hasty- Ents are walking, talking trees. Hoom, hm, hoom, room tum. The White Rider Pursuing hobbits, Three hunters enter Fangorn, Where they meet Gandalf! The King of the Golden Hall Theoden possessed; Saruman’s power banished. Grima Wormtongue flees. Helm’s Deep Massive battle fought; Legolas: I’ve killed twenty Gimli: Twenty-one! The Road to Isengard Not much happens here; All journey to Isengard, Where they meet old friends. Flotsam and Jetsam Hobbits find pipeweed; They tell what happened to them. More explanation… The Voice of Saruman Saruman charming, Almost convinces Gandalf. A wizard no more. The Palantir A fool of a Took Looks into the palantir, Eye almost finds them. Book Four The Taming of Smeagol Hobbits are lost. Gollum promises to serve, Swears by the Precious. The Passage of the Marshes Don’t look at the lights! Dead soldiers in the water, Hobbits will join them. The Black Gate is Closed Can’t get in Mordor- Front door is guarded by orcs. There’s a secret way. Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbit Smeagol always helps. The hobbits meet Faramir. Sam sees Oliphaunt. The Window on the West Faramir curious: What is this Isildur’s Bane? Frodo will not tell. The Forbidden Pool Gollum is bitter; He no longer trusts Master. Faramir leaves them. Journey to the Cross-Roads Hobbits are walking, They sleep, they wake, they sleep, they wake, Not much else happens. The Stairs of Cirith Ungol Ring growing heavy; Sauron’s army emerges. Frodo and Sam climb. Shelob’s Lair Were it up to me, I wouldn’t go into there! I can’t stand spiders! The Choices of Master Samwise Thinking Frodo dead, Sam decides to bear the Ring. He hides from the orcs. ---
**Author:** ![null-bock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@null-bock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/null-bock)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/992 "2003-01-09T08:03:28Z")
_Der Ring_ by Karl Marx And so we see the historical coalescence and atrophying (_Verkümmerung_) of the traditional forces, centres of power, long securing their control in “middle earth” and thereby usurping the natural wellsprings of ingenuity and creativity for their own gain, thence suppressing the most potent stopgap to their power: Human Will(1). Take for example the elves, ever-increasingly drawing away from the “greedy” dwarves and the “foolish” hobbits, ensconcing themselves in their sylvan castles while nonetheless utilizing the other species as a kind of “human ammunition” in their hegemonic war of the Ring against the “evil” Sauron; either the Ring will be destroyed and the elves the victors, or Sauron will capture The Ring and destroy the elves. This is of course ridiculous; the Ring and the war is used merely as a means to distract and manipulate the great majority of society while maximizing the benefit and minimizing the loss to the respective ruling cultures. Have there been wars fought over the Ring before? Of course there have, ending not in the destruction of one or the other, but rather ultimately promoting the status quo, albeit with a moderate shift in the balance of power. Will there be future wars for the Ring? That we can be sure of, this underlined by the giving of the Ring to one of the most _unlikely of creatures_, a hobbit. Will the Ring be destroyed? Hardly likely, indeed truly a laughable prospect, considering the renowned lassitude and weakness of hobbits. True, the Ring might fall into Sauron’s hands, thus ostensibly increasing his power in respect to the elves (though indeed it is more likely that the Ring will merely be “lost” once more); but this is secondary to the need to suppress the greater danger presented by an unfettered populous. But it is exactly here that we see written the end of both the elven society (and thus ultimately too their hobbit middle-men) and Sauron’s realm (_Reich_); for even _within_ the respective societies the centralization of power advances, this much more advanced in the “dark lands” with only Sauron and his henchman Sauroman holding sway over the downtrodden orcs of the land, but inevitable as well among the elves, whom we see already have retreated to merely a handful of outposts, increasingly jealous of their privacy and security; both are in fact marginalizing themselves, preparing the day of their own irrelevance, when peoples of their own creation will simply sweep them away into the dustbin of history. 1. This construction is not meant to solely apply to humans; indeed, this common formulation is indicative of the societal mores constructed to support the unnatural coalescence of power. ---
**Author:** ![TiberiusTribun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f4b2a3/32.png) [@TiberiusTribun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TiberiusTribun)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/993 "2003-01-09T08:30:58Z")
Man this thread ROCKS!! someone should archive all the posts properly… ---
**Author:** ![Gemfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/aca169/32.png) [@Gemfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gemfyre)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/994 "2003-01-09T08:54:18Z")
I lack the talent to do it myself But anyone wanna attempt a Dean Koontz take on LotR?? ---
**Author:** ![hmm\_leet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/13edae/32.png) [@hmm\_leet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hmm_leet)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/995 "2003-01-09T09:03:06Z")
Tad Williams? ---
**Author:** ![null-bock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@null-bock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/null-bock)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/996 "2003-01-09T10:16:36Z")
Baggins looked out into the darkness, the cold rain churning the ankle-deep mud in the street. The white horse on the sign above him seemed to shine in the darkness, its whiteness a joke in this miserable little town. “This is _all_ so much bullshit” he muttered to the rain as he turned back into the bar. The old man hadn’t shown. Not that Baggins was surprised; somehow he had known that it would end this way. Somehow his being right didn’t comfort him in the dark interior of the dive, miles from the home he couldn’t return to and clueless as to what his next step would be. It suddenly hit him again, the itch in the back of his brain telling him he was in danger. Not from the color in the bar; he had jived the mark on the bar when he came in, someone’s joe-boy to be sure, but nothing he couldn’t handle. This was different, bigger, the sense that someone, _something_ was groping for him, seeking him out in the night. The pressure swelled in his head, his panic becoming almost palpable. He fingered his ROP, wishing nothing more than to jack in, to loose this place, this scene. “Sit down, Baggins,” he said to himself, “just move the legs and go.” Somehow he found an empty booth, collapsing into its high-backed seats with a sigh. From nowhere a man slid into the seat next to him, large and leather-bound, the stench of horses and days on the road rising from his cloak. “Strider,” he said, extending a calloused hand across the table. Baggins ignored the gesture, fixing instead the man’s eyes with a stare. How had he not seen this man when first coming into the bar? “Strider, right. You make that up, or someone give you that handle, Strider?” A quick grin crossed the mans face as he slowly withdraw his hand. “There’s nothing wrong with a little anonymity, right, Mr. Underhill?” ---
**Author:** ![Falco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8797f3/32.png) [@Falco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falco)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/997 "2003-01-09T10:24:16Z")
This stuff is all too highbrow for me, so i’m gonna take it down a couple notches. First off: LOTR as told by Goofus and Gallant of Highlights for Children: Instead of destroying it in the cracks of mount Doom, Goofus gives the One Ring of Power to Saruman so he can easily rule all of middle-earth. “It’s really no trouble. I was heading that way anyways,” says Gallant. And the thing we all fear most (or I do anyways), FANFICTION “Hello!” Says frodo to the other hobbts standing around. “what’s happening?” O NO! BOROMIR IS DYING SOMEBODYSAVE HIM BEFOR HE DIES SCREMED MERRY. “I will save him!!1” I said. “Falco? What are you doing here? ANd how can you help?” proclameed teh wizzard, who i saved earleer by killing bad balrug with a spirt bom taht GOKU tot me dont you see i asked, ASH ketchum is hre to help us all’!! i told all the ppel and then he told pikachu to zap all the orcs and he did and said PIKAPIKA "Oh Falco, says ashketchm, "I don’t need pikachu anemore you can have him!!!1 “Horray! I said, I know all about the ring thing and i am here to help you!!! ‘rilly?’ said froddo? 'how can falco help us kill teh evel ring?” I have the transformer OPTIMUS PRIME to hlep me sometimes!!!and he can fly us to mount doomy!!! OH WOW YOU ARE SO COOL FALCO ALl the hbbits sed and legolas and gimli too and then bormir got up and said "i don’t wont the ring annnemore, i will go and be happy somwhere else. YAYY said spongebob who was also with me, NOW WE ARE ALL FRIENDS, EVEN GOLLUM TEH END!!! sorry BTW, really liked the wesley willis one, how about LOTR as a cake song? ---
**Author:** ![MadPoet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8c91f0/32.png) [@MadPoet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadPoet)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/998 "2003-01-09T10:35:01Z")
Frodo’s Bad High School Poetry The Ring The ring is my soul Burnt and lonely And cast into fire Without you Mordor On and on I go To mordor and death DeatH! To lie in blackness ever still Ever on strange symbollic journeys I am alone alone And none shall know my burden but me ---
**Author:** ![che](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@che](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/che)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/999 "2003-01-09T11:02:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Poyle \* > \*\*My Precious, light of my life, fire of my being. My sin, My soul. My-pre-cious: the tip of the finger taking a trip of three steps down the knuckles to tap, at three, on the metal. My. Pre. Shuss. > She was a Ring, a plain Ring, in the beginning, glimmering under the waters some leagues below. She was the One Ring to Saurun. She was finder’s bounty for Bilbo. She was The Ring of Power on the dotted line. But on my finger she was always My Precious. > Did I owe her to aprecursor? I did, indeed I did. In point of fact, there might never have been my precious at all – a shudder at that thought – had not Saurun longed, years ago, for a certain amount of power. Oh when? About as many ages ago as, in my reckonning, have past since my precious was taken from me by a certain hobbit. You can always count on a ringbearer for a fancy prose style. > Ladies and gentlemen of middle-earth, exhibit number one is what the ancients, the misinformed, noble kings of the ancients, buried. Look at this tangle of thorns. > > [Openning Passages from “My Precious: Confessions of Black Befallen Male” by J. R R. Nabokov] \*\* loved it!!! so nabokov!!! ---
**Author:** ![looseleaf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a87d85/32.png) [@looseleaf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/looseleaf)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1000 "2003-01-09T11:34:34Z")
## adapted from ‘The Ring of Fire’ – Johnny Cash performed by Gandalf The Gray in Bag End, private session for Frodo Baggins. Sauron’s a guy who’s mean And he makes a fiery Ring Bound by one desire – but wound up in the Shire. Cast it into The Burning Hill of Fire. Throw it down, down, down, deny desire, Let it burn, burn, burn, The Ring in fire, The Ring in fire. The taste of power is sweet And Men, they long for it. They fell for it like a child and then The Ring got wild. It fell into a river near the Shire, it went down, down, down, and Gollum’s it admired. It was found, found, found and spread desire, and spread desire. Cast it into The Burning Hill of Fire. Throw it down, down, down despite desire, Let it burn, burn, burn, The Ring in fire, The Ring of fire. Far from the Shire (and fade) ---
**Author:** ![Desmostylus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c57346/32.png) [@Desmostylus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Desmostylus)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1001 "2003-01-09T11:41:06Z")
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