# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 52
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1022 "2003-01-09T15:47:16Z")
Someone requested Dr. Phil… Dr. Phil: Welcome, all. Today, we’ll be talking to a sad case. A small boy, who insists he’s grown, with a frightening case of paranoid delusions that caused him to run away from home with his mother’s wedding ring. (audience gasps) Dr. Phil: I know, I know! His name is Philip, but he insists on being called 'Frodo". We’ll humor him for the moment, because I understand he’s become violent a time or two. Let’s bring him out…Frodo? (Frodo comes out…audience applauds) Dr. Phil: Welcome, Frodo. Frodo: Thank you, Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil: Now, Frodo, you know why you’re here, don’t you? Frodo: Well, Dr. Phil, my friend Gandalf thought that it might be a good idea for me to come and talk through my experiences with you, because I’ve been a bit depressed lately, since returning from Mordor missing a finger… Dr. Phil: What’d you do to your finger, son? Frodo: I didn’t do anything to it! Gollum bit it off! And after I’d been so nice to him, too! Dr. Phil: Son, I think we all know there is no “Gollum” Frodo: Huh? Dr. Phil: And this “Gandalf” person that you mentioned…that’s really your father, isn’t it, Frodo? Frodo: No! Gandalf’s not even a Hobbit! Dr. Phil: A what? Frodo: A Hobbit…that’s what I am…Gandalf’s a Wizard, so obviously, he can’t be my father! Dr. Phil: Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Son… Now, then…let’s talk about Sam. Frodo: Sam? My gardener? He isn’t why I’m depressed! In fact, he cheers me up! Dr. Phil: Isn’t Sam actually your brother, Frodo? Frodo: My brother? No…if anything, he’s my cousin, but that’s way way back on my great-grandmother Took’s side… Dr. Phil: And didn’t you attack Sam, Frodo? Frodo: Well…yes…but it was The Ring! It wasn’t me! Dr. Phil: The ring attacked Sam? Frodo: Well, no…yes…well… Dr. Phil: Frodo, I think what we have here is a classic case of sibling rivalry…and you’re just gonna have to face facts, Son. Let’s bring Sam and Gandalf out, now. (Sam and Gandalf enter, audience applauds) Dr. Phil: Welcome, welcome…Sam…it must have been very painful for you when Frodo attacked you. Tell us about it. Sam: Well, Sair, I was just trying to make sure that he didn’t step off that ledge, and next thing I knows, I’m on the hard stone floor, with him on top of me, wild-eyed, with a sword pointed at my throat! (audience gasps) Sam: I had to say “Mister Frodo!” a couple of times before I think he even recognized me! Dr. Phil: It’s so sad when sibling jealousies erupt into violence, isn’t it, folks? (audience makes noises of agreement) Dr. Phil (to Gandalf): Sir, why don’t you tell us why we’re all here today…it was your idea to come in, wasn’t it? Gandalf: Yes it was, Dr. Phil. Ever since Frodo came back to us, I’ve seen him pulling inside of himself, deeper and deeper…he’s just not the carefree loving boy he once was…I blame myself. Dr. Phil: Sure…it’s hard to be a parent…But sometimes, there’s an underlying illness…You can’t blame yourself. Gandalf: (heavy sigh) you’re right, Dr. Phil. Frodo: Underlying illness?? It was just The Ring! Dr. Phil: Yes, let’s here some more about this ring…where did you get the ring, Frodo? Frodo: Gandalf gave it to me! It was my uncle’s ring, but when he went away to Rivendell… Dr. Phil: Rivendell? Is that in New Jersey? Frodo: No…Rivendell, where the elves live. Dr. Phil (clearly humoring him): OH…where the _elves_ live…uh huh…go on… Frodo: So when Uncle Bilbo went away to Rivendell, on his eleventy-first birthday… Dr. Phil: His which birthday? Frodo: Eleventy-first. Dr. Phil (humoring him still): uh huh…go on… Frodo: after the party, then Gandalf came to me and gave me The Ring and asked if I could read the writing on it. At first I didn’t see it, but then all of a sudden, there it was. I could see it, but I couldn’t read it. Dr. Phil: Now isn’t that sad? I always think it’s so sad to hear about someone who’s illiterate in this day and age. Frodo…I want you to tell Sam that you’re sorry you attacked him. Frodo: I already did! But okay…Sam, I’m sorry I attacked you. Dr. Phil: now you boys hug…go on now…hug…don’t be afraid of it. (Sam and Frodo hug tentatively…the audience oohs and applauds). Gandalf: So, Dr. Phil…what do you recommend? Dr. Phil: Oh, medication, definitely. Frodo: WHAT? Dr. Phil: Thanks for coming, everybody. Tomorrow on “Dr. Phil”, we’ll have the story of a love triangle, between a woman who calls herself a “shield maiden”, another woman who says she’s an immortal elf, and a man who thinks he’s a prince…but don’t we all? Until then, folks, have a great day! (theme music comes up as two men in white coats come and drag a bewildered Frodo away; Dr. Phil and Gandalf stand talking; and Sam finds the caterer’s table). ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/13edae/32.png) [@Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Cheatem_Undhow)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1023 "2003-01-09T15:51:13Z")
Coolio “Gollum’s Paradise” As I walk up the path to the Crack of Doom I take a look at my life and realize that I’m a great big foo’ Cuz I was wearin that ring for so long That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone But I aint never crossed a man that didnt deserve it Tried to steal my precious, you know that’s unheard of Frodo better watch how he talkin and where he walkin Or him and his Samwise might be lined in chalk I really hate to trip, but I gotta, Loc I feel old, I see myself in the ring of gold, fool Im the kinda dude the little hobbits attitude is like “Stay on your knees, Gus and shut up about precious” Chorus: Been spending most of my life living in Gollum’s Paradise Been spending most of my life living in Gollum’s Paradise Keep spending most of my life living in Gollum’s Paradise Keep spending most of my life living in Gollum’s Paradise Power and the precious, precious and the power Minute after minute, hour after hour Frodo and Sam is runnin, but neither one is lookin At whats goin on, they’re so dumb I think I’ll bite Frodo’s thumb They say the ring ain’t mine, but they really can’t make me If it wasn’t for that fucker Bilbo no one could reach me I guess they cant I guess they wont I guess they front Thats why I know my life is outta luck, fool Repeat Chorus Tell me why they all can’t see That the precious does belong to me Tell me why they all can’t see That the precious does belong to me ---
**Author:** ![HBergeron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HBergeron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HBergeron)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1024 "2003-01-09T15:56:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SethE \* > \*\*Hey now, how can anyone forget George R. R. Martin in there? \*\* Hmmm. I’m not sure that LotR is complicated enough for Martin, but here goes… \*Frodo lay in his bed, wishing the servants would just leave him be. All this fussing about was making him feel impotent. But he allowed them to minister to him. It being the anniversary of his wounding at Weathertop, he was overcome by the memory of agony. The pain always reminded him of another trip, far more painful in its way. The return to Minas Tirith, after Aragorn had announced himself. With Denethor gone by his own hand, Aragorn’s uncle and his brother had made competing claims for the throne. And Frodo found himself in the very middle of it, armed only with Sting and the steady companionship of Samwise Gamgee. The worst was the day that Aragorn’s sister came down to Minas Tirith, bringing her son, only a toddler. She had been unaware of the dispute over succession, thinking only that she would foster young Bran with Aragorn. To Frodo, that memory always came in sharp, slashing images without attendant motion. Bran, walking bouncing from one uncle to another, feeling happy and safe for the first time in some weeks despite the omnipresent sense of dread that hung in the air at the banquet. The archers coming in from the anteroom. The screams. Bran - a threat to the claims of three men to a throne their family had not sat upon in three millenia - now a broken husk, wrapped up by his mother as she lay dead with no less than three arrows protruding from her back. And the knife. Always the knife. He couldn’t get the knife that killed poor Bran out his mind’s eye once his thought turned to it. Would anyone connect it to him? Would Aragorn, his reign now stained with the blood of innocents, seek to dress those wounds by mounting a deeper inquiry. Or would he put it behind him and turn his attention to the newer threat in the castle atb the mouth of the Anduin - the Pretender and his rogue wizard and who knew what dark arts. This anniversary would pass with the night, but the fear and dread embedded in those questions would haunt Frodo forever.\* ---
**Author:** ![le\_banni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@le\_banni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/le_banni)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1025 "2003-01-09T16:00:49Z")
The Blues Hobbits : Lothlorien Nazguls ! … I hate Lothlorien Nazguls ! ---
**Author:** ![Improv\_Geek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b3f665/32.png) [@Improv\_Geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Improv_Geek)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1026 "2003-01-09T16:21:11Z")
Ring in Black Frodo: Oh come on Gandalf, when do I get a big walking stick and big explosions and stuff? Gandalf: When you’re grown up. Frodo: Oh… _whipes his eyebrow with his middle finger in Gandalf’s direction_ Gandalf: Do you realize what we have here? Do you know what seeks a plain gold ring which shows text only after being heated in a fire? Frodo: Damn man, that was Final Jeopardy at the pub last night… Gandalf: Imagine, a giant form of pure evil parading through Middle Earth and the Shire, terrorizing people and controlling them all. Does that sound like fun. Frodo: Alright… what’s the plan. … later in the story … Sam: So Frodo, we’re the top dogs, we’re the saviors of middle earth, do you think they’ll sing songs about us? Frodo: I don’t know Sam. Sam: I mean seriously, who else will they be able to talk about after this is all over? Frodo: Sam, we’re in the middle of a vast reaches of evil, maybe we could talk later. Sam: Sure thing Frodo … [singing quietly] Who let the hobbits out… yip yip yip-yip… Frodo: SAM! STOP! Sam: Quiet sir! We’re in the middle of evil. … Later in the story … As rain pours down on Helm’s Deep and the Orcs are running forward. Zedagorn: Hold… Hold… Hold… Worm Legion (all 4 of them): Uhhhhh No way… Yeah we’re out… Splitting… No change… Zedagorn: Worthless Scum! Bob, Grinyak - load the catapult. And I’m spent. ---
**Author:** ![Untimely\_Ripp\_d](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e274bd/32.png) [@Untimely\_Ripp\_d](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Untimely_Ripp_d)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1027 "2003-01-09T16:38:52Z")
Well, there’s at least one other, but it takes a much different tack than mine The Cremation of Gollum the Stoor Robert W. Service There were strange things made by the elves who played at the jeweller’s craft (we’re told) Celebrimbor’s art set fire in the heart of many a band of gold The Silmaril of Earendil has shone through many a pall But none so vast as the shadow cast by the Ring to Rule Them All. Now Sauron the Great had a heart full of hate, if a heart he had ever at all So the Azh Nazg he made, and the rings he bade to come to the One Ring’s call And the Seven and Nine soon were toeing the line, and their holders’ hearts his for the taking But the Three were kept hid from the Eye without Lid, for in these he had none of the making Well a Ruling Ring is a baneful thing when hewn from its master’s hand It betrayed Isildur, and Gollum the Stoor (who could not resist its command) So it came on a time, through riddles in rhyme, to Baggins, of Bag End, the Shire There settling in, it stretched him all thin, and made him a bit of a liar ---
**Author:** ![wava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/5f8ce5/32.png) [@wava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wava)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1028 "2003-01-09T16:42:22Z")
When Sam Gamgee ran from the mines Morian His thoughts were not on the Gondorian. He saw the elf queening, Looked at her with meaning, Asked if he could enter Lothlorian. ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1029 "2003-01-09T17:24:09Z")
Ooh, Limericks…lessee… When our hero, the young prince Aragorn (You know, the son of King Arathorn?) Couldn’t choose between Eowyn And the Elf-maid Arwen He tied one to each side of his saddle-horn. But Faromir, he objected, mightily Said “I think you’ve tied them too tightily” So he untied the shield-maiden Since she seemed to be fadin’ And since then he’s been kissin’ her nightily. ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1030 "2003-01-09T17:26:44Z")
And from a friend of mine who’s too lazy to post this himself (his words): There once was a Hobbit of Shire Who went to throw The Ring in the fire Gollum led the way With plans to make Frodo pay And in the end good defeated evil desire. ---
**Author:** ![mcphil3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f17d59/32.png) [@mcphil3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcphil3)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1031 "2003-01-09T17:44:21Z")
Apologies to Terry Pratchet Balrgos are quite common throughout the multiverse. They are, in fact, widely known for one outstanding trait. Bad Breath. Big or small, puffy custard-filled or scalding lava filled like this one. All Balrogs have breath that wouldn’t so much curl ones nostril hairs as the nostril itself. Indeed the sinus passage and the whole body of the nostrils owner would curl up and wither after a hint of Balrogs breath. It is often thought that bad breath is the opposite of good breath. It is not. Bad breath is merely the absence of good breath. Balrogs breath is the opposite of all that could ever be good in a gaseous state. It swallows every molecule of life energy from the environment it is exposed to. And here stood Gandalf. On a tiny slip of a bridge; preparing to show this living lump of lava of a Balrog just who is boss. Any truly wise Wizard would be showing this Balrog the back of his head…. -mcphil3 ---
**Author:** ![trinnity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a698b9/32.png) [@trinnity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/trinnity)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1032 "2003-01-09T18:04:22Z")
with humblest apologies to the Bard: Gandalf the V and the Fellowship of the Ring PROLOGUE enter Chorus CHORUS O for a spell of fire, that would ascend The brightest heaven of invention, All Middle-earth for a stage, princes to act And monarchs to behold the swelling scene! Then should the hobbit Frodo, like himself, Assume the port of Mordor; and at his heels, Leash’d in like hounds, should Nazgul, Orcs and fire Crouch for employment. But pardon, and gentles all, The flat unraised spirits that have dared On this unworthy scaffold to bring forth So great an object: can this cockpit hold The vasty fields of Rohan? or may we cram Within this wooden O the very towers That did affright the air at Gondor? O, pardon! since a crooked figure may Attest in little place a million; And let us, ciphers to this great accompt, On your imaginary forces work. Suppose within the girdle of these walls Are now confined two mighty powers, Whose high upreared and abutting fronts The Fellowship endeavors to part asunder: Piece out our imperfections with your thoughts; Into a thousand parts divide on man, And make imaginary puissance; Think when we talk of elves, that you see them Printing their proud feet i’ the receiving earth; For 'tis your thoughts that now must deck our kings, Carry them here and there; jumping o’er times, Turning the accomplishment of many years Into an hour-glass: for the which supply, Admit me Chorus to this history; Who prologue-like your humble patience pray, Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our play. exit … ACT IV SCENE III Rivendell Enter ELROND, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, STRIDER, BOROMIR, FRODO, with all his host: SAMWISE and MERIADOC and PIPPIN. ELROND Where is the wizard? LEGOLAS The wizard himself is rode to view our battle. STRIDER Of fighting men they have full three score thousand. BOROMIR There’s five to one; besides, they all are fresh. FRODO God’s arm strike with us! ‘tis a fearful odds. God be wi’ you, princes all; I’ll to my charge: If we no more meet till we meet in heaven, Then, joyfully, my noble Strider, My dear Samwise, and my good Merry and Pippin, And my kind friends, warriors all, adieu! LEGOLAS Farewell, good Frodo; and good luck go with thee! ARWEN Farewell, kind Strider; fight valiantly to-day: And yet I do thee wrong to mind thee of it, For thou art framed of the firm truth of valour. exit STRIDER and ARWEN LEGOLAS He is full of valour as of kindness; Princely in both. enter the wizard, GANDALF GIMLI O that we now had here But one ten thousand of those dwarves in Moria, That do no work to-day! GANDALF What’s he that wishes so? My friend Gimli? No, my dwarven cousin: If we are mark’d to die, we are enow To do our country loss; and if to live, The fewer men, the greater share of honour. God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more. By my staff, I am not covetous for gold, Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost; It yearns me not if men my garments wear; Such outward things dwell not in my desires: But if it be a sin to covet honour, I am the most offending soul alive. No, faith, my coz, wish not a dwarf from Moria; God’s peace! I would not lose so great an honour As one man more, methinks, would share from me For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more! Rather proclaim it, Gimli, through my host, That he which hath no stomach to this fight, Let him depart; his pack shall be made And gold for convoy put into his purse: We would not die in that man’s company That fears his fellowship to die with us. This day is called the feast of Gilthoniél, that one upon whom the elves call, with Elbereth: He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named, And rouse him at the name of Gilthoniél. He that shall live this day, and see old age, Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, And say ‘To-morrow is the feast of Gilthoniél:’ Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars. And say ‘These wounds I had on Gilthoniél’s day.’ Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot, But he’ll remember with advantages What feats he did that day: then shall our names. Familiar in his mouth as household words Gimli, Legolas and Strider, Boromir, and the hobbits: Frodo Baggins, Samwise, Merriadoc and Pippin, Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d. This story shall the good man teach his son; And Gilthoniél shall ne’er go by, From this day to the ending of the world, But we in it shall be remember’d; We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; We Fellowship of the Ring; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And gentlemen in Gondor now a-bed Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Gilthoniél’s day. re-enter STRIDER STRIDER My lord Gandalf, we must bestow ourselves with speed: The minions of Mordor are bravely in their battles set, And will with all expedience charge on us. GANDALF All things are ready, if our minds be so. LEGOLAS Perish the one whose mind is backward now! GANDALF Thou dost not wish more help from Moria, coz? GIMLI God’s will! my liege, would you and I alone, Without more help, could fight this royal battle! GANDALF Why, now thou hast unwish’d five thousand men; Which likes me better than to wish us one. You know your places: God be with you all! Enter an ELF ELF Once more a message has come to thee, Gandalf, If for thy ransom thou wilt now compound, Before thy most assured overthrow: For certainly thou art so near the gulf, Thou needs must be englutted. Besides, in mercy, The constable desires thee thou wilt mind Thy followers of repentance; that their souls May make a peaceful and a sweet retire From off these fields, where, wretches, their poor bodies Must lie and fester. GANDALF Who hath sent this message now? ELF Sauron GANDALF I pray thee, bear my former answer back: Bid them achieve me and then sell my bones. Good God! why should they mock poor fellows thus? The man that once did sell the lion’s skin While the beast lived, was killed with hunting him. A many of our bodies shall no doubt Find native graves; upon the which, I trust, Shall witness live in brass of this day’s work: And those that leave their valiant bones in Mordor, Dying like men, though buried in your dunghills, Even in those pits where the Uro-kai are made, They shall be famed; for there the sun shall greet them, And draw their honours reeking up to heaven; Leaving their earthly parts to choke your clime, The smell whereof shall breed a plague in Mordor. Mark then abounding valour in our Fellowship of the Ring, That being dead, like to the arrow’s grazing, Break out into a second course of mischief, Killing in relapse of mortality. Let me speak proudly: tell the constable We are but warriors for the working-day; Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirch’d With rainy marching in the mountains and in Rohan; There’s not a piece of feather in our host– Good argument, I hope, we will not fly– And time hath worn us into slovenry: But, by the mass, our hearts are in the trim; And my poor soldiers tell me, yet ere night They’ll be in battle, or they will pluck The skin o’er the orc’s heads And turn them out of service. If they do this,– As, if God please, they shall,– my ransom then Will soon be levied. Herald, save thou thy labour; Bid Sauron beg no more for the ring, gentle elf: He shall have none, I swear, but these my joints; Which if they have as I will leave ‘em them, Shall yield them little, tell the constable. ELF I shall, Gandalf. And so fare thee well: Thou never shalt hear messages any more. Exit ELF GANDALF I fear the Nazgul will once more come again for the ring. FRODO My lord, most humbly on my knee I beg That you take the leading of the vaward. GANDALF Thou shalt take it, brave Frodo, but I shall guide. Now, Fellowship, we march away: And how thou pleasest, God, dispose the day! Exeunt 🙂 - trinnity ---
**Author:** ![PurplPixy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8797f3/32.png) [@PurplPixy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurplPixy)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1033 "2003-01-09T19:42:50Z")
You Oughta Know I want you to know About this evil ring I’m not too happy About this quest I take This evil symbol of hate Destroy it before it’s too late Before our Middle Earth goes to chaos I can’t take more of this pain I think I’m going insane I’m sure I’ll never make it over to Mordor Cause this horrible ring that I hold in my hand is consuming me whole and I don’t think I can survive…no And every time I put it on and I feel like I’m choking, I’m falling, I want to die Want to die But I’m still alive And I’m here To remind you Of the mess I’m in with this evil ring It’s not fair That I must bear All this pain and grief that they gave to me You, you, you oughta know All seems very well Things look peaceful I’m not quite as well I thought you should know Did they forget about me Was I just too blind to see Or do they really think I’m capable for this It was a slap in the face How I was forced to this race And are they thinking of me in my journey Cause this horrible ring that I hold in my hand is consuming me whole and I don’t think I can survive…no And every time I put it on and I feel like I’m choking, I’m falling, I want to die Want to die But I’m still alive And I’m here To remind you Of the mess I’m in with this evil ring It’s not fair That I must bear All this pain and grief that they gave to me You, you, you oughta know Cause the ring that I wear and the quest that I bear make me realize I’m starting to fade when I close my eyes…oh And every time I run my fingers cross the ring I think I feel the evil Yes I can feel it And I’m here To remind you Of the mess I’m in with this evil ring It’s not fair That I must bear All this pain and grief that they gave to me You, you, you oughta know ---
**Author:** ![mclargent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@mclargent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mclargent)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1034 "2003-01-09T19:51:39Z")
This is really just a plot summary, it’s been a while since the last book came out and I really haven’t had time to do a lot of pleasure reading lately. Still, I think that this captures a little of Martin’s crazy style. Those that haven’t read him, this does kind of contain spoilers as first-time readers are often surprised by how casual Martin is with who is evil, good, and likely to be alive when you turn the next page. Anyway, HBergeron did a good job with his bit, hopefully this will add in another way. Book 1: The Fellowship of the Ring…Martin-style -Gandalf comes to meet Bilbo for his 111st birthday and becomes suspicious about the ring -Bilbo leaves, and leaves the ring in Frodo’s care -Gandalf is curious about the ring and goes to study in Minos Tirith -While Bilbo is on his way to Rivendell, Gollum cracks and the ring-wraiths are sent out into Middle-Earth. With the information “Shire, Baggins” they quickly track down Bilbo. He and all the others in his inn are massacred but the ring isn’t found -While Gandalf is doing his research, one of the librarians at Minos Tirith tells Boromir about the research into the ring. He keeps his eyes open and does not tell his father. -Gandalf and the word about Bilbo’s gruesome death get to Frodo at the same time, so he leaves quickly, Sam in tow. They pick up Merry and Pippin on their way out of the Shire -In Bree, after the business with evading the wraiths, they meet up with Aragorn. Far from being the conflicted, yet noble character in Tolkien’s world, he’s a little dark and twisted (though not a “pervy hobbit fancier”. 🙂 -Aragorn takes pleasure in marching the hobbits hard, and they can hardly keep up, Bill the pony or not. The march hardens them, though, and they are learning where they can trust Aragorn, and where they can’t -At Weathertop Aragorn comes just in time to save the Hobbits, but focuses on Frodo. Merry dies in the ensuing battle and the Hobbits berate Aragorn who replies that he was here to get the ring to Rivendell, not hold hands with slow, inexperienced Hobbits. -They make it to Rivendell, but are almost drowned as Elrond releases the waters on Aragorn. Seems he doesn’t really like mortals playing around with his daughter (he still has issues with being a half-elf) -Gandalf, meanwhile, finds out about Saruman’s allegence the hard way and gets stuck on top of his tower. He befriends the orc that brings him food each day and helps him with some small task. In return, the orc “forgets” to close the portal leading to the top of Orthanc and Gandalf escapes. Somehow this orc (we’ll call him Fred) blames another and manages to live. -Gandalf gets to Rivendell just in time to keep Elrond and Aragorn from killing each-other. They form a grudging alliance long enough to send out a request for a meeting to all left in middle earth that don’t owe allegiance to Sauron. Boromir gets the notice and convinces his father to let him go. -Aragorn and Arwen have a clandestine meeting in the woods and pledge their love for one-another. One thing leads to another and they consummate that love a little early. Arwen realizes the next day (elven talent?) that she’s pregnant, but doesn’t tell anyone. -At the Council meeting half the people there don’t believe that Sauron still exists, while the other half want to do a dozen different things with the ring. Boromir has one of his cronies start talking to people behind the scene, trying to get them to support giving the ring to Gondor. He is found out by Aragorn, and Boromir, in a sneaky way to ingratiate himself kills the crony. He then suggests that as a way to make up for his countryman’s evil deed he will help take the ring to Mordor (Gandalf’s idea). -The rest of the party is formed, and they leave, but not before Gandalf realizes that Arwen is pregnant. He promises not to tell anyone. -They are on their way, with Boromir working to make friends with the Hobbits and turn them against the rest of the party by saying they are allied with Aragorn… Argh, too much stuff. The gist of it would be that Boromir actually is behind the fall of Gandalf (a shot orc-arrow while he was fighting the Balrog), but redeems himself in dying saving the Hobbits (whom he’s actually come to like) from the from the Uruk-hai. Frodo, frustrated with men, elves, etc, leaves with Sam and Pippin for Mordor on his own. In the second book, Frodo would get deluded into trying to use the ring, thereby resulting in his death from a ring-wraith’s sword. Sam and Pippin manage to get the ring back, and are forced to carry on the journey. Elrond finds out about Arwen’s pregnancy and forces her out, where she is captured by Uruk-hai. Gandalf is brought back to life by some mysterious magic that leaves him with his purpose, but he’s not quite alive and not quite dead. When he meets up with the confused rest of the Fellowship he tells of Saruman’s capture of Arwen, and they go rushing off to save her, stopping by Rohan to pick up an army along the way. Gandalf fights Wormtongue, who manages to kill Theoden before he dies. That leaves Eowyn as the head of Rohan, and she leads them into battle. She develops a thing for Aragorn, but keeps it secret as they try to save his pregnant lover. The ents are brought into the seige by Tom Bombadil, who has been watching the world of men with more and more frustration over time. Deciding that Nature needs to do something about Orthanc’s destruction the combined army defeats the Uruk-hai and Gandalf uses his orc friend (Fred) to get to Saruman. Saruman kills himself, but not before taking many of the rohirim and ents with him in a huge fireball. I’m not even going to try to wrap this up, because who knows how Martin manages to do that in his series. He’s killed off so many main characters, it’s hard to tell who I should be rooting for. Still, I love the fact that the good guys can be bad, and the bad guys good, which really doesn’t happen much in Tolkien. Anyone want to take up a less dry try at Martin? I love the Pratchett stuff that’s been up…more, more! ---
**Author:** ![Lisse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Lisse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lisse)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1035 "2003-01-09T20:13:49Z")
For anyone who remembers the theme from the tv show Robin Hood, WAY back: Aragorn, Aragorn, riding through the Mark Aragorn, Aragorn, fighting 'gainst the dark His sword is sharp His love is lorn Aragron, Aragorn, Aragorn I have loved this thread. ---
**Author:** ![WarrenRoP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@WarrenRoP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WarrenRoP)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1036 "2003-01-09T20:18:47Z")
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a chubby hobbit in possession of a magic ring must be in want of a volcano. “My dear Mr Baggins,” said his wizard to him one day, “have you heard that the Dark Tower is let again at last?” Mr Baggins replied that he had not. “But it is,” returned the wizard; “for the Lady Galadriel has just been here, and she told me all about it.” Mr Baggins made no answer. “Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried the wizard impatiently. “You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.” It was invitation enough. “Why, my dear Mr Baggins, you must know, Lady Galadriel says that the Dark Tower is taken by a wraith of great power from the Outer Darkness; that he reembodied himself last Monday, and went down in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he took it immediately; that he is to take possession before the Michaelmas, and that some of his servants are to be in it by the end of next week.” “What is his name?” “Sauron.” “Is he married or single?” * * * Other Jane Austen fans may post in a thread at the following Austen-related site: [http://www.crossmyt.com/cgi-bin/dcforum/dcboard.pl?az=show\_thread&om=222&forum=DCForumID73&omm=2&viewmode=threaded](http://www.crossmyt.com/cgi-bin/dcforum/dcboard.pl?az=show_thread&om=222&forum=DCForumID73&omm=2&viewmode=threaded) ---
**Author:** ![HBergeron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HBergeron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HBergeron)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1037 "2003-01-09T20:31:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WarrenRoP \* > \*\*It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a chubby hobbit in possession of a magic ring must be in want of a volcano… > > \*\* You nailed it. Perfect! This thread just keeps getting better and better (my own paltry contributions notwithstanding). ---
**Author:** ![rewinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7ea924/32.png) [@rewinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rewinn)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1038 "2003-01-09T20:32:45Z")
Found on Sauron’s Cellphone Of Power: 3RNGZ4LN KGZ NDR T SKY;74 DVLDZ NR HLZ VSTN 94MRTLMN DM2DI 14T DKLDN HZ DKTHRN 1RNG2RUL MAL;1RNG 2FNDM;1 RNG2BRNG MAL&NT DRKNZBND M;NT LNDV MRDR VRT SHDZ LI ---
**Author:** ![stdioh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@stdioh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stdioh)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1039 "2003-01-09T20:34:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MMercurius \* > \*\*Management: The Ring MUST be destroyed. > > Sysadmin: How do you want me to destroy the Ring? > … > Project Officer: Right then! Excellent! You could have just told me that at the start instead of being so difficult about it… \*\* That is the best post I’ve seen here yet. Huzzah! ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1040 "2003-01-09T20:47:12Z")
LOTR meets Sarah MacLachlan… (again, with apologies) Sauron comes out at night That’s when the ringwraiths come And the dark side’s light And Saruman roams Gandalf struts out to where he can inspire with suicide pose To Cross a bridge and die So Balrog won’t come Buidling a Mystery Cave trolls live in the shaft where we sleep with tombs of old and we won’t give up the search for the ghosts in the halls Hobbits barefoot in the snow But their smiles won’t wash away Ringwraiths look out the window without a shadow getting in the way Arwen’s so beautiful with an ancient charm So careful when Aragorn’s in her arms Gandalf’s working building a mystery holdng on and holding it in Gandalf’s working building a mystery and choosing so carefully Frodo woke, screaming aloud a prayer from a secret god The Ring feeds off our fears we hold back our tears oh Gollum gives us a tantrum And Sam a know-it-all grin just when we need one when the evening falls Eowyn’s beautiful her uncle’s got a fucked up mind Saruman set it up But Gandalf’ll make him sharp Gandalf’s working building a mystery holdng on and holding it in Gandalf’s working buidling a mystery and choosing so carefully (instrumental) ooh Gandalf’s working building a mystery holding on and holding it in yeah Gandafl’s working building a mystery and choosing so carefully yeah Gandalf’s working buildng a mystery holding on and holding it in oh yeah Gandalf’s working building a mystery and choosing so carefully Gandalf’s building a mystery ---
**Author:** ![zem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4491bb/32.png) [@zem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zem)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1041 "2003-01-09T20:53:56Z")
> [@](#): > > Mr. Cheatem, > > After consulting with my client, I am now given to understand that the aforementioned robbery was perpetrated by the leader of a large contingent of trespassers and, in fact, took place on his at his very doorstep. I was previously unaware of this tortious conduct because my client, after a lengthy period of reflection and consultation with his spiritual advisors, had decided to forgive the malefactors and, so, chose not to prosecute his rightful claims in tort against them. > > However, since you now appear determined to force my client to revisit these awful and emotionally distressing events, we have no choice but to address them. It is my client’s contention that at the time that this gang of hoodlums trespassed upon his property, assaulted not only himself but his entire household,\ and robbed him, he was peacefully attending to the education of the underprivileged races he had magnanimously taken into his care. He found it necessary to shelter these poor beings due to the inveterate and unconscionable racial discrimination they suffered at the hands of men and elves outside the boundaries of the Principality which he is honoured to administer. > > At no time did my client, by any action or inaction, cause said trespass or in way provoke the aforesaid aggression on the part of Isuldur and his gang. As such, we stand firm in our conviction that his possession of the item of personal property in question - and that of any subsequent takers - was in fact unlawful. > > We are confident that, should it become necessary to litigate this matter, we will have no difficulty persuading a jury of fair-minded citizens that any witnesses you may bring to impeach my client’s character can and will be shown to be motivated primarily by the very racial animus against which he has fought for so long. Ample evidence exists, after all, that your client, his uncle, and the majority of their intimate associates are in fact brigands whose fell deeds, including but not limited to multiple homicides of members of “undesireable races”, are as notorious as they are odious. > > The credibility of any such witnesses will therefore be so low that we are doubtful that the jury will give much wieght to any testimony they may offer as to ancillary matters. Insofar as you have no means - apart from the dubious testimony of such ruffians and murderers - by which to prove your assertions as to the manner in which Mr. Baggins came into possession of my client’s property, we are entriely confident that the court will render a judgment in our favour. However, as I have repeatedly said, it is our sincere hope that no such unpleasantness will be necessary. Despite his advanced age and medical infirmity, my client has bent over backward to be reasonable, even offering to pay any expenses associated with the return of his property. I expect your prompt and affirmative reply by return mail. > > Sincerely, > Grima Crebain, > Attorney at Law > cc: Johnny Cochran, Associate Counsel **WITHOUT PREJUDICE** **Re: Sauron ats Baggins** Dear Mr. Crebain: We apologize for the delay in our response to your letter of January 9th, last, as we were involved with conferences, meetings and telephone discussions in connection with certain individuals relating to this matter. Please be advised that we are now in possession of sworn affidavits to the effect of the following: 1. An Affidavit of Mr. Gollum which states, under oath, that Mr. Gollum claims sole and original ownership of the said property, prior to his release of same to Mr. Bilbo Baggins. Mr. Gollum indicates in his affidavit that the said property was precious to him and that he lost same to Mr. Baggins as a result of a venture which appears to be entirely legal and binding upon the parties. Obviously, any claim that your client may have to the said property will likely be held up by any prior claim to ownership by Mr. Gollum. 2. An affidavit of Mr. Bilbo Baggins in which he states, under oath, that he found the ring while on vacation and, after attempting to return same to the individual who claimed ownership, he resultantly earned same by means of said legal and binding venture between himself and Mr. Gollum. In consideration of the foregoing, we reiterate that, again, it is abundantly clear that the case law of Bridge v Hawksworth and Parker v British Airways would be entirely applicable herein, inasmuch that the said property was found by Mr. Baggins, returned to whom he believed to be its rightful owner, and then earned by means of a legal and binding venture between the parties. Be advised further that we are scheduled to conduct interviews with Mr. Gandalf the Wizard and Mr. Elrond the Elf, in connection with their knowledge pertaining to the “robbery” incident which your client intends to claim. Preliminary discussions with both Messrs. Gandalf and Elrond indicate that your client was solely responsible for precipitating the situation during which the property in question was removed from his person by Prince Isuldur, following the formal declaration of war by Elven-king Gil-galad and Elendil, High King of Gondor. We are informed that, during the incident in question, your client visited upon those present with such deadly and unconscionable violence, that the parties involved were forced to defend themselves in a manner which any competent Court would determine “self-defensive” in nature. Your client’s unrepentant murder of the innocent parties involved would clearly indicate that he did not, in fact, attend peacefully upon the situation in any manner whatsoever. In addition to our earlier opinion that your client’s claims are invalid based upon statutes limiting the duration of your client’s claims to between a minimum of two years and a maximum of fifteen years, the evidence amassed by our firm, to date, clearly indicates that, should this matter become litigious, we are entirely confident that, not only will our client retain ownership of the said property, but that the said Court will levy extreme punitive damages upon your client for wrongful and malicious pursuit by such litigation. Furthermore, we have been advised by our client that certain representatives of your client, and perhaps your firm, have personally attended upon our client’s residence in an effort to obtain the said property by force. We hereby advise you that such action is entirely improper and will be likely be looked upon unfavourably by the Court, should this matter proceed to litigation. We have advised our client that, should your client, his agents or representatives continue to pursue him personally, we will ask the Court to levy further punitive damages upon your client for the obvious psychological “pain and suffering”caused by your client’s pursuit of this action. We strongly urge you to advise your client to cease and desist from pursuing this obviously fallacious claim, and remain, Yours faithfully, Dewey Cheatem & Howe Barristers and Solicitors per: I.M. Cheatem, Q.C. c.c. Mr. J. Cochrane [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=51) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=53)