# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 53
**Author:** ![dwmacg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwmacg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwmacg)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1042 "2003-01-09T21:06:25Z")
Someone asked for Calvin and Hobbes a while ago. Here’s a beginning. Of course, without Bill Watterson’s brilliant drawings it’s at best a shadow of what it should be. 1. Our hero Spaceman Spiff is trapped in the mines of Planet Moria. 2. He hears an ominous thumping in the distance. 3. SS: Hmm, that has an oddly familiar ring. 4. [We see Calvo bending down to pick up a ring.] * * * 1. C: [rushing into bedroom, where Hobwise lounges on the bed reading a comic book]: Hobwise, look what I found! H: Looks like an ordinary ring. 2. C: Hah! That shows you why humans are so much smarter than tigers. Clearly this is a Ring of Power. H [examining ring]: I wonder what kind of power…. 3. C: Oh, you know, flying, world domination, that kind of thing. Calvo’s mom [from outside]: Has anyone seen my ring? 4. C [pushing Hobwise towards the closet]: Oh, no, it’s the evil Soremom! Quick, hide! H: You’d better hope this ring makes you invisible. * * * 1. C: Hobwise, what are we going to do with this ring? H: Why don’t you give it back to your mom? 2. C: Are you crazy? We have to destroy it! H: Why? 3. C: Don’t you see? This is the One Ring that gives Soremom all her power. If she gets it back, she’ll find all sorts of evil ways to torture us. H: Like what? 4. C: Oh, you know, taking baths, eating broccoli, that sort of thing. H [rolling eyes]: Oh, the horror. * * * 1. Dad [from outside]: Calvo, have you seen your mother’s ring? C: Oh no, Soremom’s sending her Dadguls after us! 2. H: What’s a Dadgul? C: They’re Soremom’s most evil servants. They were men until she enslaved them with her rings to do her evil bidding. 3. C: Now they’re just shadows of the men they used to be. [As Calvo speaks, we see the door opening.] 4. D [sticking head in door]: Calvo? C [leaping back in horror]: Aaaauuuugggghhhhh! ---
**Author:** ![dwmacg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwmacg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwmacg)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1043 "2003-01-09T21:06:30Z")
Someone asked for Calvin and Hobbes a while ago. Here’s a beginning. Of course, without Bill Watterson’s brilliant drawings it’s at best a shadow of what it should be. 1. Our hero Spaceman Spiff is trapped in the mines of Planet Moria. 2. He hears an ominous thumping in the distance. 3. SS: Hmm, that has an oddly familiar ring. 4. [We see Calvo bending down to pick up a ring.] * * * 1. C: [rushing into bedroom, where Hobwise lounges on the bed reading a comic book]: Hobwise, look what I found! H: Looks like an ordinary ring. 2. C: Hah! That shows you why humans are so much smarter than tigers. Clearly this is a Ring of Power. H [examining ring]: I wonder what kind of power…. 3. C: Oh, you know, flying, world domination, that kind of thing. Calvo’s mom [from outside]: Has anyone seen my ring? 4. C [pushing Hobwise towards the closet]: Oh, no, it’s the evil Soremom! Quick, hide! H: You’d better hope this ring makes you invisible. * * * 1. C: Hobwise, what are we going to do with this ring? H: Why don’t you give it back to your mom? 2. C: Are you crazy? We have to destroy it! H: Why? 3. C: Don’t you see? This is the One Ring that gives Soremom all her power. If she gets it back, she’ll find all sorts of evil ways to torture us. H: Like what? 4. C: Oh, you know, taking baths, eating broccoli, that sort of thing. H [rolling eyes]: Oh, the horror. * * * 1. Dad [from outside]: Calvo, have you seen your mother’s ring? C: Oh no, Soremom’s sending her Dadguls after us! 2. H: What’s a Dadgul? C: They’re Soremom’s most evil servants. They were men until she enslaved them with her rings to do her evil bidding. 3. C: Now they’re just shadows of the men they used to be. [As Calvo speaks, we see the door opening.] 4. D [sticking head in door]: Calvo? C [leaping back in horror]: Aaaauuuugggghhhhh! ---
**Author:** ![dwmacg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwmacg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwmacg)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1044 "2003-01-09T21:08:58Z")
Arggh, why can’t we edit? Anyway, sorry to clog up the thread, but the above episode of Calvo and Hobwise will be continued. ---
**Author:** ![suraashu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@suraashu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suraashu)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1045 "2003-01-09T21:37:50Z")
okay, how about some anime influence? first post on this board, by the way. this thread is wonderful 🙂 RING^2 something about you that i lost somewhere. By: Masakazu Katsura. Episode one: The wizard from the future. -fade in. an empty factory, with some light coming from the high windows, but otherwise dark and dusty. Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the center of the screen. This grows into a huge spaceship-like thing, which eventually lands. The door opens and the camera enters the spaceship, which is not very big, it could comfortably host one person. Inside we see Gandalf sitting in a chair.- Gandalf: “Ha! I came back from the future, and now I can give this ring to Frodo to stop him from becoming the Megaplayboy! Then the future won’t be overcrowded with so many Megaplayboys that each father 100 children. It’s becoming out of control!! If i do this mission correctly, I will get my dream: a gorgeous wife, a kawaii pet and a SUWEETU, SUWEETU home!” _Eyes shine_ “I’ll get to work right now! Let’s go!” -fade to Frodo’s bedroom.- Arwen: “Hey, Frodo! Wake up! We’re going to be late for school. You’re lucky you have me as a friend! Otherwise you’d be late all the time.” Frodo: “…Uuughhh… I’d rather be late all the time than awoken by you, uncute girl…” Arwen: “What did you say?! BAKA!” _Stomp_ _Stomp_ _Stomp_ Frodo: “Ouch, that hurt! What did you do that for?” Arwen: “So you’d wake up. Now get going or you’ll really be late!” (exit on bike) -fade to street, following Frodo.- Frodo [thoughts]: “I’ve known Arwen all my life. She lives right across from me… She’s so weird though. I guess i jus-” _Sudden appearance of Gandalf right in front of Frodo_ Frodo: “Huh!” Gandalf: “You’re Frodo, right?” Frodo: “Uh, yes, but who the heck are you?” Gandalf: “My name is Gandalf. I came from the future to stop you becoming the Megaplayboy.” Frodo: “What? I’m not popular with any of the girls at school! I’m about as un-playboy as it gets.” Gandalf: “But you’ll turn into the Megaplayboy soon, and then there’ll be no stopping you. You’ll love girl after girl, eventually fathering a hundred children, half of who are male. And they all have the same powers you have! It’s become a real population problem in the future. So they sent me back to put a stop to you! If I do this right, the world will be more emptier place, and there’ll be room for me to find a gorgeous wife, a kawaii pet and a SUWEETU, SUWEETU home!” Frodo: “… Eh? You’re a weird man…” Gandalf _gets ring out of pocket_: “Bye-Bye, Me-ga-play-boy.” _With a quick move, he puts the ring on Frodo’s finger_ Frodo: “WHAT?!” _The ring takes effect, and after a plethora of flashes and bangs, Frodo is left unconscious on the street. Gandalf takes off_ -cut to Gandalf’s spaceship. Gandalf is talking to his superior via a screen- Gandalf: “I did it! I put the ring on his finger! I’ll come back now and find my gorgeous wife, kawaii pet and sweet home, sir!” Boss: “Ouch. We were trying to reach you, but you were away. You didn’t take the right ring.” Gandalf: “WHAAAAAAAAT???” _rivers of tears flow out of his eyes_ “you mean-” Boss: “Yes, this ring will only stop him from becoming the Megaplayboy sometimes.” Gandalf: “Oh no! This means all my dreams of a gorgeous wife, a kawaii pet and a suweetu, suweetu home are gone!” _cries more rivers_ Boss: “No, wait. We can transfer you the right bullet from here, but it will take a while.” _Gandalf’s face turns incredibly happy_ Gandalf: “Oh thank you, thank you!” Boss: “Ouch. Gandalf, I want you to watch over Frodo while we get the funds to transfer you the right ring.” _Gandalf salutes_ Gandalf: “Yes sir! I will do a great job! I won’t fail again, sir!” Boss: “Good, Gandalf.” -fade to black- Masakzu Katura is the writer of DNA^2, Video Girl Ai, and Ii’s. he’s really talented. ---
**Author:** ![Ghostwind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ce73a5/32.png) [@Ghostwind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghostwind)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1046 "2003-01-09T21:38:46Z")
Excellent Calvin and Hobbes. I was able to visualize it all quite nicely. Well done!! ---
**Author:** ![InTransit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47774/32.png) [@InTransit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InTransit)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1047 "2003-01-09T21:47:15Z")
My apologies if this has already been done. “If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my uncle Bilbo was totally showing-off by telling everybody how he went hiking with some dwarves one year, or especially how he was pre-occupied with some ring before he up and left town leaving me Bag End, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.” LoTR, by J.D. Salinger ---
**Author:** ![shadowbolt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@shadowbolt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shadowbolt)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1048 "2003-01-09T21:47:45Z")
No Ring Of Your Own by Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor, Supreme Evil Dude. (to the tune of “Like A Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan with inspiration from Bob Rivers) _guitar intro_ Once upon a time you spoke so fine All the dark time down the Palantir line Didn’t you… Now you’re telling me to cut down trees Go and bring Gondor to its knees You did now… You used to rant aloud About those ring that you, you gave em’ out But now you don’t look so proud You had the one ring and you left it lyin’ about So now you got to send the Nazgul across the land to find the ringbearers and turn them into a meal… How does it feel ? How does it feel ? To be on your own With no ring to call your own You’re like a dog with no bone You got no Ring of your own ! ---
**Author:** ![mocroidh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@mocroidh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mocroidh)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1049 "2003-01-09T23:10:44Z")
Some more U2: Mysterious Ways Frodo take a walk To the mountain of doom Toss the One Ring in Then wait for the boom You’ve been living underground With your gardener Sam You’ve been running away From what you don’t understand, precious You’re slipping You’re sliding down Sam’ll be there When you hit the ground It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright The Ring moves in mysterious ways It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright The Ring moves in mysterious ways, precious Frodo take the ring It’s Isildur’s Bane Let Gandalf talk about the things You can’t explain To bear is to feel To hurt is to steal If you want to bear the Ring Better learn how to kneel…(on your knees boy!) It’s the Ring It turns the tide It makes you want to run and hide, precious It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright The Ring moves in mysterious ways, precious It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright The Ring moves in mysterious ways It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright Haunt my days…trouble my nights, precious One day you’ll look back And you’ll see Where you were held By the power of this Ring While you could bear it And not claim it for yourself Follow good Smeagol… It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright The Ring moves in mysterious ways It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright The Ring moves in mysterious ways, precious It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright We move through fateful days The Ring moves in mysterious ways It moves with it It moves with it Haunt my days and trouble my nights, precious ---
**Author:** ![BrianneFreakingRules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@BrianneFreakingRules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrianneFreakingRules)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1050 "2003-01-09T23:36:01Z")
Where I want to start telling is the day I left The Prancing Pony. The Prancing Pony is this bar that’s in Bree, Middle Earth. You probably heard of it. You’ve probably seen the ads anyway. They advertise in about a thousand magazines, always showing some hotshot hobbit on a horse jumping over a fence while drinking an ale. Like, as if all you ever did at The Prancing Pony was play polo all the time. I never even once saw a horse anywhere near the place. And underneath the hobbit on the horse’s picture, it always says,“Since 1888 we’ve been molding young Took’s into into splendid, clear-thinking Hobbits.” Strictly for the birds. They don’t do any damn more molding at The Prancing Pony than they do at any other bar. And I didn’t know anybody there that was splendid and clear-thinking and all. Maybe two elves. If that many. And they probably came to The Prancing Pony that way. ---
**Author:** ![KathleenTheCritic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@KathleenTheCritic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KathleenTheCritic)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1051 "2003-01-10T00:09:04Z")
I’m a business writer by trade, and I can’t tell you all how invigorating it has been to have fun writing again!!! Thanks so much! 🙂 Mocridhe: Love the U2 Mysterious Rings!!! You rock!!! Here’s the latest. Luckily I only have to apologize to Tolkein for this one: **The Lord and the Ring A Harlequin® Historical Romance** “The nerve!” said Eowyn to herself through clenched teeth. The blush that had begun in her high Rohannish cheeks crept down her shapely neck, bringing a crimson glow to the globes of her breasts. A glow that did not escape the notice of Wormtongue—the lecherous “advisor” to her uncle the King—and her constant, unwanted companion. Turning abruptly, she swept past the greasy, disheveled wretch and into the Golden Hall, the train of her gown gliding over the stylized horse symbols that made up the floor. Grima’s offer to demonstrate the origin of his surname upon her person was just the latest in a long string of insolences—insults she bore with cold dignity—while her disgust ate away at her heart like a canker and she wept inside. She was a shieldmaiden of Rohan—yet her uncle—once her protector and second father—was ensnared by a cruel dotage that seemed to be of Grima’s making. Her beloved brother Eomer was gone for weeks at a time, skirmishing with the marauding bands of Orcs and wild men who were a constant menace to the Rohirrim. All this left Grima Wormtongue with ample time to harry her, unchecked. As a daughter of Kings, she yearned for a chance to prove her valor and bloody her sword in defense of her people. Yet, beneath her insult-hardened exterior beat the heart of a woman—a soft, feminine spirit yearning for the powerful—yet gentle—encircling arms of a hero. Her secret desire to be rescued by a knight on a shining white horse, she would admit to no one. Crystalline tears slid out of her wide, brown eyes, moistening the pale, translucent skin of her face. Would no one come to her aid? As it happened, his horse was roan. Suddenly she heard the murmur of raised voices on the other side of the great doors. She heard the bolts slide free and she hurriedly brushed the tears away with the trailing sleeve of her elaborately-embroidered white gown. Presently, the doors swung open and her breath was taken away as if by a cold Edoras wind. Her heart stopped. Her mind froze. Her eyes widened to drink in the sight of the most ruggedly beautiful man she had ever beheld. Of noble—almost kingly—bearing he was, his lithe frame clothed in strange (to her eyes) and amazingly filthy traveling garb. A greyish cloak was fastened about his broad, manly shoulders with a leaf wrought in silver and iridescent greens. Of an intricate weave, its colors seemed to shift in the light of the hearthfire. The traveler’s hair, though weighted with the grime of many miles, perfectly framed his masculine—yet alluringly sensitive—face. She noted the strong line of his leg and with that, stirred a burning longing in her loins. This was a man who could make her feel like a princess—and make her into a woman. Respectfully submitted, KathleenTheCritic ---
**Author:** ![Threadbare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Threadbare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Threadbare)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1052 "2003-01-10T00:40:11Z")
Here’s another Walt Whitman version (the other one’s by Quilterstein): “Song of My Precious” by Smeagol and as interpreted by Walt Whitman O, we celebrates my precious, and we sings my precious And what we possesses, you shall not For every ring belonging to us is as good as is my precious. Caves and holes are full of darkness and the crevices are crowed with darkness. We breathes the precious and knows it and likes it. The shine intoxicates us and we lets it. It is for my finger forever and we are in love with it, yes, yessss. We are mad for it to be in contact with me. O yes, yesss. We are satisfied- I… we slink, slither and scheme for my precious. Alone far in the wilds and misty mountains, I… we hunts Wandering amazed at my birthday present. We believe in my precious and my appetite. O flauntses of sunshine, we need not your bask- lie over! We tramps a perpetual journey, (Come listen all hobbitses!) O (gollum) my precious… (He goes on like that for 47 more pages.) ---
**Author:** ![echolalic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c37758/32.png) [@echolalic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/echolalic)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1053 "2003-01-10T00:50:22Z")
Lord of the Rings or A Duty Dance With Death By Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. ``` This is a tale of the fellowship of several races during an age of middle earth that was fading fast. One of the persons was an all around average hobbit named Frodo Baggins. He was a nobody at the time, and he supposed that he would stay this way. He was wrong. As a consequence of the meeting, he became one of the most beloved and respected hobbits in history. ``` Listen: The fellowship that included Frodo was assembled so that the one ring of power which was created by Sauron could be rendered defunct by throwing it into the fires of Mount Doom. Defunct. ``` The reason that they wanted to destroy the ring was this: Sauron had created the ring of power in order to cover all the lands of middle earth in darkness, which is another way of saying he wanted to kill a lot of people. So it goes. The rings first owner after Sauron was Isildur, and the ring killed him. So it goes. Frodo couldn’t have known any of what was going to happen to him, but like all those who see such times, he decided to become what he seemingly must become and carry the ring to Mordor. Mordor was filled with orcs, or as they were called during the second age, “little grey bastards." The difficulty of Frodo’s task came not only from Mordor and the little grey bastards, but also from Sauron, who despite being defeated long ago, had never actually been killed. So it goes. Sauron wanted the ring back, and everyone else wanted the ring destroyed. It wasn’t that Sauron was evil and everyone else was good, but it was generally agreed that the inhabitants of middle earth would be better off without one incredibly powerful sorcerer controlling all of it. Sauron did not like sharing, and so he sent fire and little grey bastards to defend his right not to share power with anyone else. As the fellowship was heading of Rivendell, they were reminded what to say if anyone asked them for the ring or where to find it. The proper response was: “Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut! Go take a flying fuck at the moooooooon! ``` ---
**Author:** ![birdboy2000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9c0ed/32.png) [@birdboy2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/birdboy2000)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1054 "2003-01-10T00:51:04Z")
Personally, I would very much like to see someone parody LotR in the style Excel Saga, Inu-Yasha, Dragonlance, or Lodoss war. ---
**Author:** ![Druid\_Squirrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5e9695/32.png) [@Druid\_Squirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Druid_Squirrel)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1055 "2003-01-10T01:32:23Z")
I realize this is somewhat blasphemous, but here’s what it might be like if LotR had been written by Sappho… * * * At midnight When the mines are bright with flaming demons falling straight down the wizard manages a final whisper: fly you fools! * * * We put a scroll about the boat with this inscription: This is the body of brave Boromir who with the Followship’s mission unfinished, was led into Iluvatar’s Timeless Halls. And he being far from home, his companions took their blades to slay, in memory of him, many Uruk-Hai. * * * And their feet move Relentlessly, as hairy feet of Hobbit girls danced once around a giant oak, crushing a circle in the flowering grass of the Shire meadow. * * * Awed by her splendor mortals near the Elf-queen tremble in their love and despair ``` for she ``` is beautiful and terrible as the morning and the night. * * * Elbereth Is the most beautiful of all Valar * * * You know the place; then Leave Rivendell and come to us waiting where the Shire is pleasantest, by Hobbit holes beloved to you; elevenses smokes on the barbecue, cold beer and spice wine are served in the shade of an ancient oak and satiated Hobbits with full bellies drift down into deep sleep; in meadows where Hobbits have grown plump among spring flowers, pipeweed scents the air. Gandalf! Grey One! Fill our clay cups with wizardry stirred into apple wine. * * * Yes, it is precioussss But come, Hobbitses, need you trouble yourselveses so much on a Ring? * * * Evil as you are Death will finish you; afterwards no one will fear or obey you: you will hold no power over Middle Earth Your essence will dissolve and you will writhe among the indistinct dead when I destroy the One Ring. * * * In memory of Boromir, a steward, his comrade Legolas placed here a cloven horn and sword: tokens of an untimely death. * * * ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Goodwraith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@Mr.Goodwraith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Goodwraith)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1056 "2003-01-10T01:56:37Z")
As much as I deplore the some of the endless repetition that’s been perpetrated here by people who don’t want to read the whole thread, and didn’t want to repeat what anyone else had done myself, I kept thinking that I might be able to do something a trifle more imaginative than the first attempt at “Beavis and Butt-head” LOTR, and the idea just wouldn’t let go until it had beaten me (and the main characters) to death six pages later. Sorry for the length! P.S. KathleenTheCritic, I’m a tech writer for a living, and I’m finding the same vicarious relief in writing this junk. Writing _can_ be fun! Hooray! * * * [Two hobbits make their way slowly through FANGORN FOREST. One, named MERRVIS, is paunchy and blond and wears a faded concert vest printed with the name of his favorite bock & bowl band, “ARNOR CARNAGE/GONDOR CARNAGE,” “AC/GC” for short. The other, named PIP-HEAD, is slightly taller and paunchier with curly black hair and a faded vest reading “MITHRILLICA.” They climb to the top of a small rise, sweating and breathing heavily.] PIP-HEAD: This _sucks_. We’re, like, lost or something. MERRVIS: Yeah. Lost. Heh heh. I’m hungry. And, uh, thirsty. PIP-HEAD: Yeah. Me too. We must have been walking for, like, _fifteen whole minutes_. MERRVIS: No lembas nachos…no crystal sodas… PIP-HEAD: Stop talking about food, dillmunch! [PIP-HEAD sits down heavily at the crest of the rise. A moment later, MERRVIS does as well.] MERRVIS: Heh heh. OK. Ummm…OK. [nervous pause] So…when are they gonna come looking for us? I thought Rangers were, you know, supposed to _look_ for lost people or something. And feed bears and stuff. PIP-HEAD: They’re probably all _dead_ now. Like Toddomir. MERRVIS: Toddomir’s not dead! He blew his chariot horn real loud, and the ten big orc dudes chased him over the hill, and they came back with his stuff because…he dropped it and drove away to get help. PIP-HEAD: There’s a word for that, Merrvis. The word is “wishful thinking.” MERRVIS: Shut up, bungwipe! He drove away. To get help. In his cool chariot. Yeah. PIP-HEAD: What a cool chariot. \ MERRVIS [not crying]: \ Got something caught in my nose. \ Ahhhh…big booger or something. PIP-HEAD [wouldn’t be caught dead crying]: \ Yeah, \ me too. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Regular viewers will remember from our previous episode that Toddomir did not actually die, nor did he go to get help, but instead traded his gear and the two hobbits to his Uruk-homies for a case of orc-draught and five bags of “White Hand white.”] MERRVIS: This place, is, \ you know, kind of peaceful. \ PIP-HEAD: Yeah. \ I’d almost like it, \ if it had a lot more hot babes and a lot less – [Before PIP-HEAD can finish his sentence with the word “trees,” they’re suddenly gripped by huge, rough hands like giant branches and lifted into the air.] SLOW, RUMBLING VOICE: The place is peaceful? You almost like it? Hoom, hmm, I think I almost _dislike_ you, but I don’t want to be hasty. PIP-HEAD [to MERRVIS]: Dude, did the world just go all goofy on you? I think I’m, like, held up in the air and something really loud is talking to me. MERRVIS [to PIP-HEAD]: Hm, hm, yeah, that happened for me too. Just now. Maybe that hot stuff the orcs made us drink had some, you know, good stuff in it. PIP-HEAD [to MERRVIS]: Huh. Huh huh. Yeah. We’re hallucidating. This is cool. VOICE: What sort of creatures might you be? I need to get a better look. [The hobbits are turned around to face a giant talking tree.] PIP-HEAD: Whoa! Now I’m seeing a giant talking tree. MERRVIS: Yeah! Me too! Giant talking tree. How about that. TREE: Hmmm, hom, I thought perhaps you were little orcs at first, but perhaps I was mistaken. MERRVIS: Orcs? Heh heh. No way. We’re hobbits. You know, hobbits. Like when your mom tells you, “Stop that filthy disgusting hobbit! You’ll grow hair on your feet!” Heh, heh heh hm hm. PIP-HEAD: Huh huh, huh. Merrvis, you, huh, bungweed. We’re high for the first time and you go and tell the dumbest oldest joke ever. MERRVIS: Hm hm heh heh heh. I thought it was pretty funny, actually. PIP-HEAD: [to the tree] So, like, what are _you_ supposed to be? [to Merrvis] This kicks butt. We’re probably sitting down there talking to a _rock_ or something. TREE: Hmmm, well, I am a shepherd of the trees, one of the Onodrim. An Ent, if you will. My full name in the Old Entish is very long; indeed, it grows longer all the time, because it tells the story of my life. But in your hastier language you might call me Fangorn, or Treebeard. PIP-HEAD: Ummmmmm… MERRVIS: Errrrrrrrrr… PIP-HEAD: Treebeard. Right. MERRVIS: Treebeard. Kinda dumb name for a rock, isn’t it? [TREEBEARD peers at them intensely.] TREEBEARD: You hobbits do not seem to possess a great deal of understanding. Yet you wear the garb of Lorien, as if you were favored by the Lady of that land! How did this come to pass? PIP-HEAD: The Lady! Huh huh huh. Wow. She’s so cool. MERRVIS: Yeah. Heh heh. Cool. Cool hair. Cool name. Galad… PIP-HEAD: Galhad… MERRVIS: Galhadreal. PIP-HEAD: Yeah. Uh…huhuh huh huh. Thingies. Huh huh huh! MERRVIS: Heh heh hm hm hm heh! What? PIP-HEAD: Gal-had-real. The gal had real thingies. Huhuh huh huh huh! MERRVIS: Hm hm hm hm heh heh heh heh hm hm heh! PIP-HEAD: I, like, almost saw 'em once? I was looking, like, over an embankment, and she was bending down to pour water in this birdbath or something…? Huh huhuh huhuh huh huh! [Both hobbits dissolve in sniggers. TREEBEARD gives up on getting anything coherent out of them and starts walking off in huge loping strides, still holding them in his fists.] TREEBEARD: I think I shall keep you with me until I decide what to do with you. MERRVIS: Hey! Whoa! AHHH! Stop moving, you stupid…ummm…rock! PIP-HEAD: Is this what they call a “bad trip”? UuuuUUUUuuuhhh…say hello to my lunch, Merrvis…uUUuuhhhh…here it comes! MERRVIS: Pip-head, you dillknocker, you better not heave in my direction or I’ll kick you in the nads! [PIP-HEAD hurls colorfully and, in a miracle of trajectory-matching, gets most of it on MERRVIS. MERRVIS gets a leg free, spies a vulnerable spot unguarded by TREEBEARD’s fingers, and, in another miracle of trajectory-matching, kicks PIP-HEAD in the nads. PIP-HEAD’s eyes roll back and he almost passes out.] MERRVIS: Heh heh heh. Dipweed. Told you not to eat that meat the orcs were handing out. [picks a long, bony chunk out of his hair] I think they fed you something’s finger. Heh heh. PIP-HEAD [gasping for breath]: I thought…\…it was…\…a corn dog…\…on a stick! MERRVIS: Cool! Hm hm heh heh heh! [to himself] They gave him the finger. Heh heh heh! [Time passes. PIP-HEAD eventually gets over his Entsickness and traumatized nads and returns to his usual self.] PIP-HEAD: Ummm…where are we headed, uh, Freebeer? You’ve been walking for, like, _fifteen whole minutes_. TREEBEARD: I am walking to one of my homes, near the heart of the wood. MERRVIS: Hm hm. He said “wood.” PIP-HEAD: Such a (huh huh) long way…this must be a (huh huh huh) _major_ wood. Huhuh huhuh huh huh! TREEBEARD: Indeed. Of all the wooded regions that have been standing tall since the dawn of time, this is the biggest wood of all. [PIP-HEAD and MERRVIS dissolve in sniggers. TREEBEARD ignores this.] TREEBEARD [sadly]: But now the trees are being felled wantonly. The forest is in mourning. PIP-HEAD: So it’s a (huhuh! huhuh huh huh!) mourning wood! (Huh huh huh!) [More sniggers. TREEBEARD continues gamely.] TREEBEARD: There is both sadness and anger here. Many of the trees have become Ent-ish, and they are all in a dark mood, cloaked in shadow. Dangerous. We call them Huorns. PIP-HEAD: Huorns! Huh huhuh huhuh huh! So we need to stay away from the (huhuh huhuh huh!) trees that are (huh huh!) all Huorny and stuff. TREEBEARD: You must understand…once there was friendship between Ent and tree, man, bird, and beast. But now men cut the trees and don’t burn them, and birds pluck their fruit only to throw it down. Why, even the woodpeckers prick the bark only to drill an empty hole. MERRVIS: Heh heheh! He said…he said…hm hm hm hm! Hm heheh hm hm hm heh heh!! PIP-HEAD: Huhuh huh huhuh huhuh!! Yeah! The rock has a potty mouth! Huhuh huh huh huh! Cool… [Sniggering continues for a full minute.] PIP-HEAD: Huh huh! Freebeer, can we get some food? I tossed my biscuits back there and I’m, like, starving. Is there a McGrubbses walk-through window open nearby? TREEBEARD: There is no prepared man-food for thousands of Ent-strides in any direction. But… [He stops momentarily at a prolific early berry patch, puts the hobbits on his shoulder, and picks them what to an Ent is a tiny pinch of berries, i.e., several quarts.] TREEBEARD: …you can eat these. I caution you – they are very sweet. You will want something to wash them down, but fortunately we are very close to my home now… PIP-HEAD [tries a few]: I’m not (munch munch) eating these, they’re, like, (munch munch) _natural_…ummm…hey, uhhhh… MERRVIS [with a huge mouthful]: Ummm, nob bab, acshuawwy. [TREEBEARD steps into his home. It’s grown out of, or into, the side of a hill, with high vaulting trees for a ceiling. He sets the hobbits down.] PIP-HEAD [his mouth hanging open, exposing half-chewed berries]: We’re not in the Shire any more, Merrvis. TREEBEARD: In your tongue, this would be called Wellinghall. Now I shall attend to that drink I promised you. PIP-HEAD: Uh, drink? Huh huh. You mean, like…[conspiratorially]…the _hard_ stuff? TREEBEARD [puzzled]: It is not a hard thing to prepare or consume. PIP-HEAD: So…huh huh…you make it yourself…huhuh huh!..but it’s, you know, _smoooooooth_?! TREEBEARD: I think you’ll find it pleasant. And strange things happen to mortals who drink Ent-draughts filled with the nourishment of all growing things – sometimes _they_ grow, too. [TREEBEARD walks into a back room.] PIP-HEAD: Huhuh huhuh huh huh! You hear that, Merrvis? It’s not just smooth homebrew – it’ll (huh huh huh!) make us _grow_!! This is _cool_ – we’re finally gonna _score_… Merrvis? Merrvis?! You dillwipe! [Since before TREEBEARD walked into Wellinghall, MERRVIS has been scarfing berries. His entire lower face is now stained purple and his eyes are bugged out. He has pulled his vest up over the back of his head and is holding his arms in the air.] MERRVIS: I AM NO LONGER THE WOMAN YOU KNEW – I AM DERNHELMIO!! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!! [TREEBEARD returns to the main room with bowls of a green glowing substance. He looks askance at MERRVIS.] TREEBEARD [to PIP-HEAD]: Is something wrong with the other one? MERRVIS: DERNHELMIO RIDES TO MINAS TP…I HAVE COME FOR YOUR _BUNGHOLE_!! PIP-HEAD: He’s, like, tripping out. I’ll (huh huh!) take his share. [TREEBEARD hands him one of the bowls. He chugs it, then spits it out, spraying in every direction.] PIP-HEAD: THHFFFFTHHHHP! What _is_ this crap?! It tastes like _plain water_! Only a _tree_ would drink that!! MERRVIS: TREES! ARE YOU THREATENING ME?! I SHALL CUT DOWN ALL YOUR TREES TO MAKE TP FOR MY BUNG – _SPLAT_ TREEBEARD [surveying the wet spots that remain on his floor when he lifts up his foot]: So they _were_ little orcs after all. Too bad. * * * [Inside the HALLS OF MANDOS, the disembodied spirits of MERRVIS and PIP-HEAD tarry for a time before leaving the world.] MERRVIS: Hey, look, Pip-Head. I can put my hand up my nose and stick my fingers out through my eyeballs. Heh, heh heh! PIP-HEAD: Huh huh, huh. You know what this means, Merrvis? When we finally come down from this high, we need to, like, _find_ those orcs and get _more_ of that stuff. MERRVIS: Yeah! _More_! Heheh hm hm hm heh heh! THE END (at last!) ---
**Author:** ![Sulfate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@Sulfate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sulfate)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1057 "2003-01-10T03:15:49Z")
Dear Penthouse Forum: I am an average hobbit who attends college in a small midwestern shire. My story begins when I was lying in the hay in back of Mr. Baggins hay loft when two rather enchanting female hobbit’s with enormous melons adorning their chest came upon me giggling with mischief in their eyes… ---
**Author:** ![arkat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@arkat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/arkat)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1058 "2003-01-10T03:16:45Z")
Help me sing, oh Valar, Of the quest of the Halfling And the wars of the free peoples That wrought the end of the age And sent many brave warriors to Mandos And the will of Eru was done. Whose folly brought this upon the world? Isildur, Son of the Elf-friend, Who kept the Ring of Power And died in the snares of the abhorred… ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1059 "2003-01-10T03:37:04Z")
Yet more U2… Where the Streets Have No Name Frodo: I want to run I want to hide Eowyn: I want to tear down the walls That hold me inside Frodo: I want to reach out And touch the flame Where the streets have no name Gollum: I want to feel Sunlight on my face Gandalf: I see the smoke rings Disappear without a trace Sam: I want to take shelter From the cursed Ring Where the streets have no name All: Where the streets have no name Where the streets have no name Saruman: I’m still cutting then burning down trees Burning down trees Sam: When Frodo goes there I’ll go there with him Because he needs me Eowyn: The city’s besieged And our love turns to rust We’re being blown by the wind Trampled in dust I’ll show you a place High on the desert plain Where the streets have no name All: Where the streets have no name Where the streets have no name Saruman: I’m still cutting then burning down trees Burning down trees Gollum: When Frodo goes there We’ll go there with him it’s all I can do Our love turns to rust We’re being blown by the wind Blown by the wind When I see the rust See our love turn to rust I won’t be blown by the wind Blown by the wind Oh when I go there I go there with you It’s all I can do. ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1060 "2003-01-10T03:42:47Z")
Ack! Sorry about the double post, hit the wrong button… ☹ Yet more U2… Where the Streets Have No Name Frodo: I want to run I want to hide Eowyn: I want to tear down the walls That hold me inside Frodo: I want to reach out And touch the flame Where the streets have no name Smeagol: I want to feel Sunlight on my face Gandalf: I see the smoke rings Disappear without a trace Sam: I want to take shelter From the cursed Ring Where the streets have no name All: Where the streets have no name Where the streets have no name Saruman: I’m still cutting then burning down trees Burning down trees Sam: When Frodo goes there I’ll go there with him Because he needs me Eowyn: The city’s besieged And our love turns to rust We’re being blown by the wind Trampled by orcs I’ll show you a place High on the desert plain Where the streets have no name All: Where the streets have no name Where the streets have no name Saruman: I’m still cutting then burning down trees Burning down trees Gollum: When Frodo goes there We’ll go there with him He’s got the preciousssss Arwen: My love turns to dust He’s mortal, blown by the wind Blown by the wind Elrond: Why do you stay? See your love turn to dust? Arwen: I won’t be blown by the wind Blown by the wind Oh when you go there I go there with you It’s all I can do. ---
**Author:** ![RapierOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9e8a1a/32.png) [@RapierOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RapierOne)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1061 "2003-01-10T04:37:28Z")
Mordor, the Final Desolation… These are the adventures of the hobbit Frodo. His 9-man Fellowship’s mission: To seek out the fires of Mount Doom And into it, cast the One Ring of Power! Aragorn: We are entering orbit around the Pond of Moria Gandalf. Gandalf: Orbit? What in the hell are you talking about Number One? Aragorn: Sorry sir, I was just spacing about Arwen. Legolas: Really sir, I do not even believe that she is supposed to have been introduced in this book, so Aragorn is likely feeling the effects of a temporal displacement. Gandalf: Cause? Legolas: Unknown sir. Gimli: Likely the Romul…er…the Urik-hai and Saruman are attempting some further treachery. They have no honor. Legolas: Another example of this distortion sir. Obviously Mr. Gimli could have no knowledge of the Urik-hai at this juncture. Gimli: Grrrrrrrr Boromir: This place…I sense a presence here. I do not like this place. Gandalf: Yes yes, now…does anybody know how to open this door? Pippen: _throws rocks in pool like a good disposable crewman_ Frodo: What does it say Gandalf? Gandalf: It says, “Speak friend and enter”. Frodo: Well, what’s the Elven word for “friend” Gandalf: “beloc” _door opens_ Merry: C’mon everyone…Frodo saved the ship…er…the Fellowship again! Boromir: Gandalf! This is no mine, it’s a tomb! Gimli: Gandalf! We have a hostile presence! Aragorn: Red Alert! Gandalf: Where?! Gimli: Well, it just dragged Frodo into the pool. Can we let it have him? Gandalf: No, but don’t worry, he’ll leave on his own in a little while. FIRE ALL WEAPONS! LotR - The Next Generation Fleet Admiral Alistair Rapier NCC-2042 \USS Swashbuckler\ (Flagship) Federation Strike Fleet: Chief-in-Command [http://www.FederationStrikeFleet.org](http://www.FederationStrikeFleet.org) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=52) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=54)