# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 54
**Author:** ![HBergeron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HBergeron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HBergeron)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1062 "2003-01-10T05:31:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by zem \* > \*\ ***WITHOUT PREJUDICE** > **Re: Sauron ats Baggins** > > Dear Mr. Crebain: > > We apologize for the delay in our response to your letter of January 9th, last, as we were involved with conferences, meetings and telephone discussions in connection with certain individuals relating to this matter. > > Please be advised that we are now in possession of sworn affidavits to the effect of the following: > > 1. An Affidavit of Mr. Gollum which states, under oath, that Mr. Gollum claims sole and original ownership of the said property, prior to his release of same to Mr. Bilbo Baggins. Mr. Gollum indicates in his affidavit that the said property was precious to him and that he lost same to Mr. Baggins as a result of a venture which appears to be entirely legal and binding upon the parties. Obviously, any claim that your client may have to the said property will likely be held up by any prior claim to ownership by Mr. Gollum. > > 2. An affidavit of Mr. Bilbo Baggins in which he states, under oath, that he found the ring while on vacation and, after attempting to return same to the individual who claimed ownership, he resultantly earned same by means of said legal and binding venture between himself and Mr. Gollum. > > In consideration of the foregoing, we reiterate that, again, it is abundantly clear that the case law of Bridge v Hawksworth and Parker v British Airways would be entirely applicable herein, inasmuch that the said property was found by Mr. Baggins, returned to whom he believed to be its rightful owner, and then earned by means of a legal and binding venture between the parties. > > Be advised further that we are scheduled to conduct interviews with Mr. Gandalf the Wizard and Mr. Elrond the Elf, in connection with their knowledge pertaining to the “robbery” incident which your client intends to claim. Preliminary discussions with both Messrs. Gandalf and Elrond indicate that your client was solely responsible for precipitating the situation during which the property in question was removed from his person by Prince Isuldur, following the formal declaration of war by Elven-king Gil-galad and Elendil, High King of Gondor. We are informed that, during the incident in question, your client visited upon those present with such deadly and unconscionable violence, that the parties involved were forced to defend themselves in a manner which any competent Court would determine “self-defensive” in nature. Your client’s unrepentant murder of the innocent parties involved would clearly indicate that he did not, in fact, attend peacefully upon the situation in any manner whatsoever. > > In addition to our earlier opinion that your client’s claims are invalid based upon statutes limiting the duration of your client’s claims to between a minimum of two years and a maximum of fifteen years, the evidence amassed by our firm, to date, clearly indicates that, should this matter become litigious, we are entirely confident that, not only will our client retain ownership of the said property, but that the said Court will levy extreme punitive damages upon your client for wrongful and malicious pursuit by such litigation. > > Furthermore, we have been advised by our client that certain representatives of your client, and perhaps your firm, have personally attended upon our client’s residence in an effort to obtain the said property by force. We hereby advise you that such action is entirely improper and will be likely be looked upon unfavourably by the Court, should this matter proceed to litigation. We have advised our client that, should your client, his agents or representatives continue to pursue him personally, we will ask the Court to levy further punitive damages upon your client for the obvious psychological “pain and suffering”caused by your client’s pursuit of this action. > > We strongly urge you to advise your client to cease and desist from pursuing this obviously fallacious claim, and remain, > > Yours faithfully, > > Dewey Cheatem & Howe > Barristers and Solicitors > > per: > > I.M. Cheatem, Q.C. > c.c. Mr. J. Cochrane \*\* Mr. Cheatem, ``` Since it has become abundantly clear that Mr. Baggins has no intention of returning my client's property to him, please be advised that we have filed suit in the District Court of the Principality of Mordor. The complaint has been sent to Mr. Baggins via certified mail and will be served upon him personally. It has come to my attention that Mr. Baggins has recently departed his long established address and gone into hiding. I sincerely hope that this is not an effort on his part to avoid the consequences of my client's lawsuit. Even if it is, it will not avail him. We have employed nine process servers, none of whom require sleep and who are travelling on winged mounts, and so we expect that one of them will find your client in short order and return with a properly executed proof of service. Your copy of said complaint is enclosed herein. Please note that, in addition to specific performance, the complaint also includes a demand for compensatory damages and attorney's fees. As a courtesy, allow me to point out that the Mordor Rules of Civil Procedure require you to enter a response within 20 days of service of process. Under usual practice, we will most likely be required to schedule a mandatory settlement conference within 60 days of the filing of said response. Should your client desire to settle this matter post haste, and thereby mitigate the risk that the Mordor court render an award of compensatory damages, my client remains willing to dismiss the case and release Mr. Baggins from any further liability upon the immediate return of the ring. I look forward to your affirmative reply. ``` Sincerely, Grima Crebain Attorney at Law ---
**Author:** ![quilterstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e19b73/32.png) [@quilterstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quilterstein)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1063 "2003-01-10T05:55:11Z")
Two done in haste and no doubt repented in leisure … * * * My ring! My ring! Were I with thee, My ring should be My luxury! Bagginsss the thief How he sssneaked away Done with my riddles, Done with my play. Rowing by cavenight! With my ring! Might I but hold You close to me! * * * Because I would not show the way He cruelly took from me My precious that I loved so well And Immortality I chased him as he ran with haste, And quickly ‘scaped my lair And with him went my preciousss, That was my treasure dear. We passed the pools where fishesss swam And Bagginsss grabbed my ring; We neared the hole that topped my cave, He fled into the sun. Since then ‘tis many years, and each Bears heavy on my mind. My ring is lost, my precioussss ring. I’ll hunt eternally. ---
**Author:** ![professor\_scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@professor\_scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/professor_scissors)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1064 "2003-01-10T05:57:57Z")
My Precious for Myself By Smeagol Dickinson This is my Precious for – Myself They cruelly wrought – from Me The nasty – Hobbitses took it with tricksy Secrecy But I soon know as I go Out I suddenly – can See The precious I wil not reclaim for it – will reclaim Me ---
**Author:** ![professor\_scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@professor\_scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/professor_scissors)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1065 "2003-01-10T06:22:43Z")
Dr. Strangelove, anyone? Sauruman breaks some _really_ bad news to Sauron in a Palantir-call, SARUMAN: Hello? …Ah…I can’t hear to well. Do you suppose you could tone the torture chambers down just a little? … Oh-ho, that’s much better. …yeah … huh … yes… Fine, I can hear you now, Sauron. … Clear and plain and coming through fine …I’m coming through fine, too, eh? … Good then… well, then, as you say, we’re both coming through fine. … Good. … Well, it’s good that you’re fine and … and I’m fine. … I agree with you, it’s great to be fine. … a-ha-ha-ha-ha … Now then, Sauron, you know we’ve always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Ring. … The _Ring_, Sauron… The _One_ Ring! … Well now, what happened is … ah … one of my council, he had a sort of… well, he went a little funny in the head … you know … just a little … funny. And, ah, he did a silly thing. … well, I’ll tell you what he did. He ordered his hobbits… to destroy your Ring… Ah… Well, let me finish, Sauron. … Let me finish, Sauron. … Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it!? …Can you _imagine_ how I feel about it, Sauron? … Why do you think I’m calling you? Just to swear allegiance? … _Of course_ I like to speak to you! _Of course_ I like to swear allegiance! …Not now, but anytime, Sauron. I’m just calling up to tell you that something terrible has happened…. It’s a _friendly_ call. Of course it’s a friendly call… Listen, if it wasn’t friendly… you probably wouldn’t even have got it. … They will _not_ reach the Black Gates for at least another month. … I am… I am positive, Sauron. …Listen, I’ve been all over this with Wormtongue. It is not a trick. … Well, I’ll tell you. We’d like to give your Uruk-Hai a complete run-down on the hobbits, the travel plans, and their fellowship. …Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we’re unable to conquer Rohan, then… I’d say that, ah … well, ah … we’re just gonna have to help you kill them, Sauron… All right, well listen now. Who should we call? … _Who_ should we call, Sauron? The…wha-whe, the Naz-… you, sorry, you faded away there… the Nazgul. … Where are they, Sauron? …In Osgiliath. … Right. … Yes. …Oh, you’ll call them first, will you?? … Uh-huh … Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm … I’m sorry too, Sauron. … I’m very sorry. …_All right_, you’re sorrier than I am, but I am sorry as well. … I am just as sorry as you are, Sauron! Don’t say that you’re more sorry than I am, because I’m capable of being just as sorry as you are. …So we’re both sorry, all right? …All right. ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1066 "2003-01-10T06:48:44Z")
I just gotta say: WOW! I’m a SD vet (disregard the low post count), and this just takes the cake in a walk. I gotto get outta GD more often… My paltry contribution, in the style of Keith Laumer (needless to say, I also need to expand my reading selection): _ **SitRep exerpt from Combat Unit AGN-0916 mk. XXXII to Allied Central Command** _ :Begin Transmission: \*This is Combat Unit D 0916-AGN “Aragorn”, BOLO mk. XXXII of the 1st Battalion, 5th Regiment, DinoChrome Brigade. I and my fellow units Legolas, Gimli and Gandalf are currently engaged in defense of Helm’s Deep, as a decoy maneuver to draw the forces of the Wizard Saruman into open battle while Combat Units 4264-SAM “Sam” and 6921-FRD “Frodo,” both mk. XXI specials, attempt to bypass enemy patrols in Mordor to the south, with the ultimate objective of placing the so-called “Ring of Power” into the volcano at Mount Doom, thus breaking the power of the Dark Lord Sauron. The forces arrayed before us are considerable. I take .023 seconds to compare their formation with those of other notable battles throughout the long and contentuous course of human history; the Confederate General George Edward Pickett’s disposition prior to his doomed attempt to force Cemetary Ridge at the Battle of Gettysburgh is the most obvious comparison. Like General Picket, the forces of Saruman are about to meet a similar demise. Unit Gimli opens the engagement at 100 km, firing ICM-DP rocket mortars in rapid-fire mode; the projectiles, which I track on angstrom-band radar, are spaced for maximum area effect and time-on-target detonation. As one, the 300 mortar shells split open, raining anti-personnel bomblets upon the enemy, scything down thousands as if the Hammer of God had descended upon them. But it is a mere scratch upon the Army of Darkness arrayed before us. Gimli moves closer, reaching speeds of 300 km/hr, and engages in them line-of-sight with his banks of Infinite Repeaters, bleeding the enemy of thousands upon thousands more before his ammo runs dry. Finally, he unleashes his Hell Bore, and the power of a miniature sun erupts with the enemy’s ranks. Again and again he fires, but he is inevitably forced back before the onslaught, lest he become enveloped. He paces them as they advance, obliterating thousands with each blast of hellacious sun-fire. Yet they come, undaunted by the horrendous losses they have yet sustained. Suddenly, my sensors are confused; the fabric of reality itself distorts, and a field of power is unleashed from the north upon Gimli. I fear the Saruman has finally decided to join the fray, and has chosen Gimli in retribution for the damage he has done. Gimli is off the air; I cannot raise him on any datalink, not even ground cunducted infra-band. I spare .001 seconds memorializing Gimli in the Regimental Hall of Fame for his actions. Upload to Regiment complete. Legolas next engages the enemy. As a sophisticated AI, Legolas has developed a taste for indirect fire, and directs his rockets and mortars against the enemy. His rate of fire is slow, as he is also playing the role of Fire Direction Center for the artillery units of the defenders of Helm’s Deep. The processing capacity he has dedicated to this task has diminished his combat capability 1.0923%. Backed against the curtain walls of Helm’s Deep, he is soon swarmed by the enemy, and in their brute strength and arcane arts (which are not contained in my database, or that of any other Combat Unit in the long history of the DinoChrome Brigade), Legolas begins to falter. His infinite repeater mow down rank upon rank of the enemy in a desparate attempt to keep the enemy at bay, and he is largely succesfull at keeping the breech in the walls plugged by his own mass. Yet the eemy is too many. Gandalf joins in next, with the veteran Armored Cavalry units of the Kingdom of Roha; they flank the enemy and take them in the oblique, penetrating their ranks and actually severing their lines. This buys Legolas time to rally defending infantry untis, and they begin pushing the enemy out of the breech. Again, the pulse of world-distorting force from the north; this time, directed against Legolas. Over our Combat Net, I feel Legolas’ mind falter. His CPU, damaged and/or disrupted beyond the ability to continue functioning, retreats to the thick, armored vault at the center of his battle chassis. He is combat ineffective as a BOLO unit, but his unique AI algorithm is safe. I reasses our tactical situation, and see only one solution. Our enemy are too numerous; for all of our firepower, we cannot slay them fast enough to prevent the fall of Helm’s Deep. An alternate plan is required, and I take 2.717 seconds to run through thousands of scenarios and possibilities. Only one plan yields a 91.398%, +/- 3.521% chance of success. I relay my plan to Gandalf over our encrypted data net, as well as to our defending allies. They are aghast, but Gandalf approves immensely. It is the sort of grand gesture he admires. In preparation for my plan, our allies begin retreating into the deep mountain, as I cover their retreat. I am firing everything in my arsenal as fast as it will cycle to hold the enemy at bay. Gandalf gather’s up the Armored Cavalry forces outside the wall, and leads them to a safe distance, bidding me “luck.” Finally, our allies are safely deep into the mountain, and I spare two infinite repeaters to bring the cliff face down over the opening to their safety, and park myself atop the rubble. I am king of this mountain, and will not budge! Yet I cease firing. Activating my external loudspeakers, I mock and insult the enemy, challenging them to move me, daring them to try. They swarm me in their multitudes, and my battlescrens flare and collapse as their weapons beat upon my armored battle hull, tearing at my external sensors, rending my weapons from their emplacements. For the first time in my service life, I feel pain, as circuits short and relays malfunction. My articulated treads are rendered from my roadwheels, and I think I now understand the emotions humans know as fear. On the plain, Gandalf avtivates an ICBM and launches it, shepharding his charges further away from Helm’s Deep. The missile streaks up into its sub-orbital ballistic arc, before returning back to Middle Earth at hypersonic velocity. The missile plunges into the ground, and detonates at a sub-surface depth of 127 meters. The Tower of Saruman is no more; his power is gone, rapidly dispersing downwind in a mushroom cloud of fire and glazed earth. The crater where it once stood is 23.67 kilometers wide and 5.48 kilometers deep. And now the task before me. I calculate that I now have the great bulk of the enemy arrayed before me. I cannot fire fast enough, or traverse quickly enough, to obliterate them all. Our charges are safe, either deep within the mountain behind me, or out upon the plain at minimum safe distance. My duty is clear. I deactivate the safety interlocks of my fusion reactor, and prepare to disable the magnetic containment bottle even as I send the reactor into overload status. This is Unit-of-The-Line D 0916-AGN “Aragorn”, BOLO mk. XXXII of the 1st Battalion, 5th Regiment, DinoChrome Brigade, signing off. Black Knights!\* :Transmission Ends: ---
**Author:** ![null-bock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@null-bock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/null-bock)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1067 "2003-01-10T06:51:35Z")
I can’t believe this hasn’t already been done! J.R.R. Bulwer-Lytton It was a dark and stormy night; the needling rain fell in buckets from the black and featureless sky, the darkness veritably crushing the already-weakened will of the young hobbit (for it is of Frodo Baggins that we speak), the twists and turns of his emotions, already strung like an over-tuned piano, barely capable of surviving even a single further setback. ---
**Author:** ![Reuel\_Miller](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b5e925/32.png) [@Reuel\_Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reuel_Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1068 "2003-01-10T07:13:03Z")
Greetings I came here from Neil Gaiman’s blog… wow Special kudos go to the authors of: Full Mitheral Jacket Sysadmin The Woody Allen skit Summoner Geek Although the person who requested this asked for the Kurt Vonnegut “Wear Sunscreen Speech”, I have to rightfully attribute it to Mary Schmich, who wrote it as a column for the Chicago News Tribune… My apologies to Mary, Tolkien… and everyone else who has posted before me… I post merely to be a part of history… Gandalf’s Speech: \*Ladies and gentlemen of the Fellowship of the Ring (and it’s supporting cast). Wear Sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by wizards, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Do not enjoy the power and beauty of the ring. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of the ring until you’ve faded completely into its madness. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at parchments of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how dangerous this quest really was. You are not as clever as you imagine. Worry about the future. Or don’t worry, but know that not worrying is as effective as trying to battle a Balrog on a rickety bridge with nothing but a staff and a silly catch phrase. The real troubles in your life are things that never crossed your worried mind but will cross your path, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. You will be doing one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. [Looks at Aragon, and then at Arwen] Floss. Don’t waste your time on jealousy [Looks at Samwise Gamgee]. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The quest is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old family heirlooms [looks at Frodo]. Stretch. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know how to finish this quest. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 200 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 4000-year- olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of lembas. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone. Mayber you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your eleventy-first wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody’s else’s. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Dont’ be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own [looks at Legolas]. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your shire. Read the inscriptions, even if you don’t follow them. Do not read massive message board threads. They will only make you feel stupid and untalented. Get to know your party members. You never know when they’ll be gone for good [Looks and Boromir]. Be nice to your haflings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future [looks at Merry and Pippin]. Understand that allies come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were fighting the fight of good versus evil. Live in Mordor once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in the Shire once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths. Princes will not accept their future. Wizards will go bad. You, too will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, princes were responsible, wizards were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders [looks at Elrond]. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trustworthy friend. Maybe you’ll have a weasly guide. But you never know when either one might run off with your ringfinger. Don’t mess too much with your feet hair or by the time you’re 40 it will Look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen. \* Um… I hoped you liked it… Cheers ---
**Author:** ![whatami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/85f322/32.png) [@whatami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whatami)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1069 "2003-01-10T07:17:33Z")
You captured TMQ so perfectly in this article. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to link him to this post… I think he’d love it! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by v00izs00k \* > \*\*Gregg Easterbrook (the Tuesday Morning Quarterback) writes for [espn.com](http://espn.com)’s page 2. A very good read each week. 😃 > [ESPN: Serving sports fans. Anytime. Anywhere.](http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/archive?columnist=easterbrook_gregg&root=page2) > > _ahem_ > > The Tuesday Morning Hobbit > > \*Naturally of course, the Tuesday Morning Hobbit didn’t catch last night’s siege of Helm’s Deep. Why? Well, because due to a lack of government regulations, the siege was only availble on DirectTV. Now, the TMH would love to have DirectTV, why he wouldn’t miss a single fight. Sadly the TMH is stuck in the Shire, where it seems that no dish provider has ever, or will ever, visit. So the TMH is stuck with watching local grass growing competition down near Bag End. Luckily, the TMH has friends in high places, and he was later able to catch the whole she-bang. > > Either way, onward we go!\* > \*\*Sweet Play No. 1: \*\*Aragon throwing Gimli. Two against dozens, but what better way to throw off your opponent’s gameplan then take the fight to them. > > \*\*Cheerleader of the Week: \*\*Got to love that Lady Arwen. Sure she can’t fight and is nothing but a daddy’s girl…but man she is definetly the TMH Cheerbabe of the Week. > > \*\*Sweet Play No. 2: \*\*Legolas mounting a horse on the run. Now the TMH certianly doesn’t play ‘that’ kind of ball, but you have to admit the little hook and reel was a sight for sore eyes. > > \*\*Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! \*\*To the-orcs-that-aren’t-really-orcs of Mordia. With 14:13 left in the seige, they had numbers advantage on Helm’s (caution: may contain fighting humans) Deep who were facing a 4th and long. Sit back and let the humans implode…and the game is over. It’s a blitz! Aragon and company easily break out of the throne room, and the route is on. Ye Gods. > > \*\*Stats of the Week: \*\*Team Helm’s (caution: may contain fighting humans) Deep, despite being out-manned and out-gunned, still managed to pull of the upset victory 9,192-473. > > \*\*What’s he got in his pocketses?: \*\*Nothing! There is nothing in his pocketses! > > \*\*This Week’s Challenge: \*\*The White City vs the Leigons of Mordia! Propose your everlasting Haikus here. Cleverness and originality will probably be rewarded, though not necessarily, as the final decision will be completely arbitrary. \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Reuel\_Miller](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b5e925/32.png) [@Reuel\_Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reuel_Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1070 "2003-01-10T08:14:19Z")
Greetings OK… now that my virgin post has been posted, let me do another… I have seen a Dr Phil skit, a Survivor skit, a Friends skit… but not a Jerry Springer skit 😉 It embarrasses me that I have seen enough Jerry episodes to be able to do this parody. Apologies to pratically everybody on the planet (I am definately going to hell for this one)… Here goes: > [@](#): > > * * * > > Jerry: Tonight… we have a story of peversion that I have never covered before on any of my previous > shows… men who love jewelry… and the jewelery that loves them back. > > Audience: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! > > Show title: I love my Ring! > > Jerry: Tonight, we have with us a guy called Frodo. Frodo has been having trouble with his ring. > Frodo, what has been happening? > > Frodo: It’s like this Jerry. I’ve been going with my ring for a few months now. Everything is cool > and stuff… > > Jerry: Do you love you ring? > > Frodo: Yes… no… well, yes… but that’s not the point. The point is that it is mine, and I can > do wit it what I want to do wit it. > > Jerry: And has anyone else been trying to do something with the ring? > > Frodo: Yeah. That’s why I come on this show. A couple of the Rings old owners want the ring back > and are messing up my life and I want to tell them to F\*\*\* the Hell off and leave me the > F\*\*\* alone. > > Jerry: OK, strong words. Now… who is the first person we have that wants the ring back? > [listens in ear piece] > OK… we have someone who is using the nickname “Gollum”. Welcome “Gollum”! > > [Gollum enters stage left and sits on the chair] > > Jerry: Hello “Gollum”. Tell me… why do you want the ring? > > Gollum: _Givvvveee myyy precioussssssssss. My Preciousssss. Hates bagginssesss. Stole my > preciousssss…_ [continues to mumble and repeat] > > Jerry: Um… what is your precious? > > Frodo: It’s what he calls the ring, Jerry. > > Jerry: OK… and did you steal the ring, like he claims? > > Frodo: Hell no. I was given this ring by my uncle. > > Jerry: So you have shared this ring with other members of your family? We are going to take a break > now, and when we come back, we will hear from the Uncle… and the original owner of the ring… > don’t miss it. > > [Advert break] > > Jerry: And we are back. If you missed the first segment we met Frodo, who has been going with a ring > for a few months now but his life has been terrorised by previous owners of that ring. But it > is also a ring that he has shared with other members of his family. We will now be meeting his > uncle, who also used to go with the ring. > > [Enter Bilbo, sits on chair next to Frodo] > > Bilbo: Hello Jerry > > Jerry: Hello Bilbo. So… you’ve been with the ring as well? > > Bilbo: Yeah. I had the ring. The ring was mine for years. Then my nephew here… well, you could > say I gave it to him… but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. > > Jerry: Do you still love the ring? > > Bilbo: With all my heart. > > Jerry: Then why did you give it to your nephew? > > Bilbo: Gandalf made me… so that they could destroy it! > > Jerry: Is it true that you want to destroy the ring, Frodo? > > Frodo: It doesn’t make any f\*\*\*ing difference what I am gonna do wit the ring. It’s mine to do wit as > I please. > > Jerry: I think we have some-one backstage that might feel differently. I believe we have the rings > creator, Sauron. > > [Sauron enters in a flat run and charges into Frodo and tries to take the ring from the Frodo. Steve > and the rest of the security crew jump on stage to break the two of them up. When Steve has Sauron > pinned back, Gollum jumps on Frodo’s head, and then climbs down Frodo’s head and tries to grab Frodo’s > hands, looking for the ring. The other members of the secrity team grab Gollum and hold him back] > > Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! > > Jerry: Gentelmen… please! > > Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! > > Jerry: Sauron… calm down… calm down… Now tell me, why do you want the ring. > > Sauron: So I can rule Middle Earth. I created that ring. It’s mine. I put my blood, sweat, tears and > most of my power in that ring… and to have a hobbit, a f_**ing hairy-footed, hairy-a$$ed > hafling have it is just f**_ing wrong, you know what I’m saying? I want it, and I want > it now! That motherf\*\*\*er had better give it back if he knows what’s good for him! > > Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! > [Except for three guys in the back shouting “We Love Lesbians!”] > > Frodo: F\*\*\* you, Sauron. You are an evil dude! You just want to use the ring to cause pain and > suffering. I am going to destroy the ring before I would let that happen. > > [Frodo flips Sauron “the bird”, but his hands are obscured by a low pixel count in post production] > > Sauron: You are showing me the finger?? You are showing _me_ the finger? > > [Gollum jumps up and bites Frodo’s finger off] > > Gollum: _Givvvveee myyy precioussssssssss. My Preciousssss. Hates bagginssesss. Stole my > preciousssss…_ > > Frodo: Holy F\*\*\*!!! MotherF_ **er!!! That B** _ **d bit my f** _ing finger off!! I’m gonna kill him!! > Give my f_\*\*ing finger back!!! > > Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! > > [A melee ensues. All Guests are man/hobbit-handled off stage, and Frodo is seen getting into an > ambulance with his finger in a bowl of ice] > > Jerry: We are going to take a break now… but after the break… Immortal women, and the mortal men > they love… that their fathers do not approve of… next on Jerry Springer! > > * * * Please keep all death threats off this thread 😉 ---
**Author:** ![DrFrasierCrane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@DrFrasierCrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFrasierCrane)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1071 "2003-01-10T11:37:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by professor\_scissors \* > \*\*Dr. Strangelove, anyone? > > Sauruman breaks some _really_ bad news to Sauron in a Palantir-call,… \*\* Priceless! Anyone care to try Sting singing about Sting? ---
**Author:** ![Leon\_Marrick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/73ab20/32.png) [@Leon\_Marrick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leon_Marrick)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1072 "2003-01-10T11:46:44Z")
Come, Samwise. ‘T is not too late to save our Middle-Earth. Set forth, and bearing arms in brav’ry pass The gates of Mordor; for my purpose holds To walk into the shadow, and the fire That waits for Morgoth’s Ring, for else we die. It may be that Sauron will beat us down; It may be we shall touch glad Valinor, And see the fair Luthien, whom we knew. Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’ We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,– One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. “Ring-Bearer”, being a corruption (with apologies) by Leon Marrick, of “Ulysses” (ending verses), by Alfred, Lord Tennyson ---
**Author:** ![Urthgar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9fc29f/32.png) [@Urthgar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urthgar)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1073 "2003-01-10T11:50:27Z")
Love this place! Please accept my humble offering ‘Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Crebain’ by Wallace R R Stevens I Among twenty snowy mountains, The only moving thing Was the eye of the crebain. II I was of three minds, Like a tree In which there are three crebain. III The crebain whirled in the autumn winds. It was a small part of the pantomime. IV A man and an elf-maiden Are one. A man and an elf-maiden and a crebain Are one. V I do not know which to prefer, The beauty of inflections Or the beauty of innuendoes, The crebain whistling Or just after. VI Icicles filled the long window With barbaric glass. The shadow of the crebain Crossed it, to and fro. The mood Traced in the shadow An indecipherable cause. VII O thin men of Rohan, Why do you imagine golden birds? Do you not see how the crebain Walks around the feet Of the women about you? VIII I know noble accents And lucid, inescapable rhythms; But I know, too, That the crebain is involved In what I know. IX When the crebain flew out of sight, It marked the edge Of one of many circles. X At the sight of crebain Flying in a green light, Even the bawds of euphony Would cry out sharply. XI He rode over Gondor In a glass coach. Once, a fear pierced him, In that he mistook The shadow of his equipage For crebain. XII The river is moving. The crebain must be flying. XIII It was evening all afternoon. It was snowing And it was going to snow. The crebain sat In the mallorn-limbs. ---
**Author:** ![The\_MacDairmuid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_MacDairmuid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_MacDairmuid)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1074 "2003-01-10T12:03:06Z")
So it’s a full week now since I stumbled upon this thread. I spent two days reading it (only 14 pages then) and five more deciding upon and composing my reply. Without further ado: '=========== Thesis shirt egg syruped off Who-war Dell Chases’ “Feller shift Offer Rinks” ridden inner “Anguish Languish.” Baying tea in counter offer Frito Bugger waif Armour My-git. '-------------------- [Beginning I-104, Ppg 1] Frito said furry marmit, leaking attar fur, butter awl knee taught weigh sow honor the wood richer fairy. ‘Idol no whey toothing,’ ease id a lost. ‘Thane’ll telluride toothing,’ sat My-git. ‘Ewe’s wood nether if gun misting ewer shelf wither Hubbies-tum FAQ, Misto Frito. Fowl caw quare diptheria.’ Seamster dentist cheer, in luck debtor fair mere wedder on fernier ail. ‘Bet ewer oilways ire igloos laid. Whinny air dew add lift the Brindle box ingrown often at told Misto Bugger, Eye sad ewer gawain too fine true blue. Mar commie warts, this’ll combs off host range dialings over Misto Bugger. He sumo neigh waste gate winsome strangler fascist on furry ports, thesis. Mayberry thor’s umber reeding they’ll off Hobo-ton, a sigh hare?’ Frito sat nodding: tea shroud guises offer former ware rath orders consolidating. ‘Wail, Misto Frito,’ My-git went in, 'Aim glaid evaid two cents talcum box Tuba gland. Maya vices: stator! Anduin gimmix soupiest ease haut lettish fowl. Yule ave fronts indies ports. Effendi offish block fallows comb often ewe aging, oil dale weatherman. Oil seer deader half lifter Sure, arena thin eunuch. Anthem maybe truant off, fare is lichen knotty besot Misto Bugger they’ll hewn noose off. ‘Neighbor you rite,’ sat Frito, inviting tea former sigh in storing attar fair. '--------------------- With only the very slightest of apologies to Harvard Lampoon for the use of their character names. Anybody interested in learning Anguish Languish as a Second Language – ALaSL – may learn more about it here at [http://sandbox.stardotpc.com/AnguishLanguish.htm](http://sandbox.stardotpc.com/AnguishLanguish.htm) This course is now offered for high-school credits in some Oakland, CA schools. And, Extreme kudo to ‘The Bastard Ring-Bearer from Hell’ ---
**Author:** ![TiberiusTribun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f4b2a3/32.png) [@TiberiusTribun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TiberiusTribun)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1075 "2003-01-10T12:04:19Z")
Frodo calling The Ring of Power Support Hotline \ . . \ . . \ . [Recorded Female voice] Thank you for calling the “Ring of Power” Support Hotline. You will be connected to the next available operator. Please hold the line. . \ . …1 minute… . [Recorded Female voice] Thank you for calling the “Ring of Power” Support Hotline. All our operators are busy at the moment. Type “1” if you want to leave a message, Type “2” if you want to stay in line and wait for the next available operator. . \