# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 55
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1082 "2003-01-10T15:03:55Z")
As requested… LOTR meets Sting… (again with many heartfelt apologies) [Sorry, I’m not up to writing an Elvish counterpoint version]. I dream of Sting (oway oway) I dream of Wizards on the plains of Rohan A Ring of Power (oway oway) I dream of love as the Ring burns in my hand I dream of fire (oway oway) Gandalf rides a horse that will never tire And in the flames (oway oway) The Ring will burn and melt this sick desire This sword of mine (oway oway) It’s power strong, a secret promise This Ring I bear (oway oway) No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this And as It burns (oway oway) My finger missing to Gollum’s nasty teeth The fire burns (oway oway) I realize that nothing’s as it seems I dream of rain (oway oway) I dream of gardens in the humble Shire I wake in pain (oway oway) I dream of love as the Ring burns in my hand I dream of rain (oway oway) I lift my gaze to black night skies above I close my eyes, this Ring I bear Is the torturous intoxication of evil I dream of rain (oway oway) I dream of gardens in elvish Rivendell I wake in pain (oway oway) I dream of love as the Ring burns in my hand I bear the Ring (oway oway) And I carry it to Doom, a secret promise This Fellowship (oway oway) No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this Sweet Bag’s End home (oway oway) This memory of Eden haunts us all The humble Shire, the ring I bear Is the thick intoxication of the fall ---
**Author:** ![well\_he\_s\_back](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3ab097/32.png) [@well\_he\_s\_back](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/well_he_s_back)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1083 "2003-01-10T15:35:43Z")
I have lingered & semi-lurked long enough. We have had pop songs, rock songs, even some great Mother Goose on this nifty thread. Here’s a request for LOTR in the style of traditional folk songs, and here are some ideas to get us started: The Streets of Hobbiton (The Streets of Laredo): As I walked on the streets of the Shire As I walked out in the Shire one day I spied a young wraith all wrapped in black linen All wrapped in black linen as cold as the clay. I see by your outfit that you are a Ringwraith… Other ideas - The Hobbits Barbara Allen (Barbara Arwen): In Rivendell where I was born There was a fair maid dwelling Made every one cry my oh my And her name was Barbara Arwen… O Anduin (Shenandoah): O Arwen, I long to see you Way away you rolling river O Elrond, I love your daughter Away, I’m bound away, Cross the wide Anduin… Elfsleeves (Greensleeves) Or Tom Lin (Tam Lin) [just have titles here] ---
**Author:** ![zem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4491bb/32.png) [@zem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zem)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1084 "2003-01-10T15:37:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Mr. Cheatem, > > Since it has become abundantly clear that Mr. Baggins has no intention of returning my client’s property to him, please be advised that we have filed suit in the District Court of the Principality of Mordor. The complaint has been sent to Mr. Baggins via certified mail and will be served upon him personally. > > It has come to my attention that Mr. Baggins has recently departed his long established address and gone into hiding. I sincerely hope that this is not an effort on his part to avoid the consequences of my client’s lawsuit. Even if it is, it will not avail him. We have employed nine process servers, none of whom require sleep and who are travelling on winged mounts, and so we expect that one of them will find your client in short order and return with a properly executed proof of service. Your copy of said complaint is enclosed herein. Please note that, in addition to specific performance, the complaint also includes a demand for compensatory damages and attorney’s fees. > > As a courtesy, allow me to point out that the Mordor Rules of Civil Procedure require you to enter a response within 20 days of service of process. Under usual practice, we will most likely be required to schedule a mandatory settlement conference within 60 days of the filing of said response. Should your client desire to settle this matter post haste, and thereby mitigate the risk that the Mordor court render an award of compensatory damages, my client remains willing to dismiss the case and release Mr. Baggins from any further liability upon the immediate return of the ring. > > I look forward to your affirmative reply. > > Sincerely, > Grima Crebain > Attorney at Law **WITHOUT PREJUDICE** **Re: Sauron ats Baggins** Dear Mr. Crebain: We acknowledge receipt of your letter and the Complaint described therein, dated today’s date. Please note that we have been authorized by our client to accept service of this Complaint on his behalf, and hereby confirm that we have done so, pursuant to the Rules. We advise therefore that there is no need for your process servers to pursue our client further, as service upon him personally is not necessary in this regard. We trust that these terms are acceptable to you. Please be advised further that, for reasons of personal security, compounded by your client’s efforts to compel our client to release the disputed property to his representatives against his will, our client has vacated his residence, and is currently residing with companions who are known to us, and that we are in direct contact with our client for the purposes of this Litigation. We also wish to inform you that, inasmuch as: 1. the Defendant is resident in the Judicial District of Rivendell; and 2. the disputed property in question is held, and was likewise obtained, and subsequently conveyed between parties by means of various legally binding transactions (the legitimacy of which your claim disputes), within the Judicial District of Rivendell; and 3. our client has instructed us to proceed to Counter-Claim against your client in this matter with respect to this matter; we have applied to the Superior Court of Justice in the Judicial District of Rivendell to have this matter adjudicated before the Court in Rivendell. We trust that such application is satisfactory to you. In the meantime, we have also filed a Notice of Postponement in the District Court of the Principality of Mordor, in order to delay procedure of this action, subject to the Ruling of the Superior Court of in the Judicial District of Rivendell as to the issue of _juris prudence_ in this regard. We enclose a copies of the Notice of Postponement, the Notice to Defend and Counter-Claim, plus the Application to the Superior Court of Justice for adjudication of this matter before the Court. Please note that, in our Notice of Defense and Counter-Claim, we have asked the Court to dismiss all of your client’s claims outright, pursuant to the matters of Statute as described in my earlier letters to you, and the issues of legal ownership as set down in case law and supported by the affidavits of Messrs. Gollum and Baggins. We also enclose copies of the affidavits of Messrs. Gandalf and Elrond, relating to the incident of the alleged robbery of your client, further disputing your client’s claim of rightful ownership. We advise that we have also asked the Court to levy extensive punitive damages against your client for the wrongful, willful and malicious pursuit of this claim, as well as punitive damages claim for psychological “pain and suffering” brought upon our client by your client’s representatives, and fees and costs on a solicitor/client basis. Please also note that, under the Rules of Civil Procedure, you have 45 days to respond to this Notice to Defend and Counter-Claim, after which a summary judgment will be issued by the Court against your client, _in absentia_. We trust that the foregoing is satisfactory to you, and remain, Yours faithfully, Dewey Cheatem & Howe Barristers and Solicitors per: I.M. Cheatem, Q.C. ---
**Author:** ![dwmacg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwmacg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwmacg)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1085 "2003-01-10T15:45:42Z")
1. D: Calvo, have you seen Mom’s ring? C [with hands behind back, fingering ring]: Ring? Nope, haven’t seen any ring here, dad. 2. D [leaving]: Well if you find it, give it back to her. It’s a precious family heirloom. C: Sure thing dad. 3. C: Hoo, that was close. Let’s get moving, Hobwise. H: Where are we going? 4. C: We’re on a quest to destroy the ring. H: If we’re going on a quest, shouldn’t we bring some sandwiches? * * * 1. C: This is too dangerous a mission for us, Hobwise. This is clearly a job for: Wizard Man! Help me into this box so I can change. 2. H: Isn’t that your duplicator? C: [in box, changing into wizard costume] When it’s facing up, it loses its power. Zip this up, will you? 3. C [running out of room in wizard costume, Hobwise behind him]: Let’s go! H: Don’t forget the sandwiches! 4. [we see a naked Calvo clone sneaking Gollum-like out of the box, with an evil grin on his face] * * * 1. Wizard Man, Lover of Liberty and Defender of Small Furry Creatures streaks through the air on a quest. 2. Mild-mannered Calvo has discovered the One Ring of the evil Soremom, and now must destroy it, or be destroyed. 3. Wizard Man rushes to his rescue, with only his trusty sidekick Tigolas to help. 4. ``` C: [walking on sidewalk, with Hobwise at his side]: Did you hear something? H: [looking in bag] I still say we should’ve made sandwiches. ``` * * * 1. ``` C: Tigolas, someone’s coming! Quick, hide behind that tree. H [pulling a bag of crackers out of the bag]: I can’t believe we only brought saltines. ``` 2. ``` C [hiding with Hobwise behind tree]: Those aren’t crackers, fool. They’re Lithril. One is enough to feed you for the whole day. H: [holding stomach]: Oog, I think I ate enough for a month. ``` 3. ``` C [putting hand over Hobwise’s mouth, as Calvo’s dad rides by on his bike]: Shh! ``` 4. ``` C: [peeking from behind tree as Dad fades into distance]: Oh no! The Dadguls got wheels! H: Wow, that was a scary sight. ``` to be continued…. ---
**Author:** ![Eleisawolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba8739/32.png) [@Eleisawolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eleisawolf)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1086 "2003-01-10T16:05:55Z")
Well, Sting sang on this song with the Police, so I think it still applies: **Apologies to Sting and the Police** **STING-CHRONICITY II** Another Fellowship crisis dawning Gimli is crying at the tomb We have to shout above the din of that damn drumming There’s no way out of this cold room Gandalf insults Pip for his insufferable Took-ness But we know he just has to be a shrew Frodo pulls bright Sting out of its scabbard And that old blade is glowing neon blue Many miles below Something creeps from the depths At the bottom of the Bridge Of Khazad-Dum Another Moria goblin morning The mines belch screaming orcs into the room And there behind they have a cave troll on a chain It throws its club down with a boom The goblins sneer and screech as if to goad the thing to further rage And Frodo takes a stab right to the chest But after they defeat this wave and take out the behemoth The whole party notices his Mithril vest Many miles below Something flames through the hallways Of the land of Khazad-Dum Another mass of goblins coming But there’s a bigger hell to see They run like cockroaches to escape this new evil They scrabble up the walls just to get free Frodo grips his ring and runs away with the Companions ‘Cause Gandalf knows that it’s his task to face He sees the Balrog’s whip now, framed by the fires leaping He breaks the Bridge and then steps back a pace Many miles below Balrog’s whip pulls him down, too What will the Fellowship do With him lost in Khazad-Dum Many miles below Many miles below Many miles below Many miles below Many miles below… ---
**Author:** ![Eckstais\_H](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Eckstais\_H](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eckstais_H)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1087 "2003-01-10T16:09:00Z")
One of Australia’s Crocodile hunters descends on Middle Earth. Right folks! I’m standin’ in Middle Earth on the ridge over-lookin’ the gates to Moria. Today I’m gonna be lookin’ at some of the species that liv’ inside of Moria. Now I don’t need to go into Moria today, because for some reason there seems to be a lot of activity and it looks as many of the inhabitants are migrating through the gates so we can take a looksee at a few without goin’ into Moria. Lookey ‘ere over the ridge. Ya see ‘em right there? These are some prime specimens of Orcs. Now to tell the truth, even though they look very similar, these aren’t actually Orcs. These creatures ‘ere are ‘Ooh-roo-kai’. You can tell this because if they were Orcs, they would not be running around in the daylight. Normally Orcs are nocturnal and only come out at night time to hunt, but these ‘ere have ‘ad some help in their evolution by Saruman, so now they can run around in the day. Now, look over there at that Uruk-hai’s ear. You can see that the top of the ear is not round like mine, but is kinda pointed. This is because Uruk-hai’s were originally descended from elves. Now hold on while we get closer for a prop’er look. This ‘ere Uruk-hai at the front, this is a chief of one of Saruman’s horde. Now I’m not gonna touch ‘im, cause ‘e could get nasty, instead I’m gonna use this sword layin’ on the ground ‘ere to point - so I’m not in direct contact. You can tell that e’s one of Saruman’s horde by this white hand that e’s got painted on his forehead. Ooh! This is a feisty one! Look at that, e’ took a swing at me. Notice the hand print on ‘is forehead is upside down. This probably means that another Uruk-hai stood over ‘im and put it on ‘im while ‘e was kneeling. Whoa there, easy lad! They put this hand on the Uruk-hai after they ‘ave beee_Slow gurgling_… (I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it.) ---
**Author:** ![Vicrattus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c37758/32.png) [@Vicrattus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vicrattus)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1088 "2003-01-10T16:30:03Z")
Not to step on your toes, FranticMad, but here’s another Ring-Files: SCULGEE: Invisible? Mulgins, I find it hard to believe that you have a magic ring that turns you invisible. MULGINS: Sculgee, you saw it with your own eyes. Or, didn’t see it, actually. SCULGEE: There has to be a scientific explanation. Maybe there’s a chemical in the ring that reacts with the moisture in hobbit skin to produce a hallucinogen. Or… MULGINS: Sculgee, why can’t you believe? [Sculgee sighs and walks away. Suddenly Golcek appears, knocks Mulgins down and holds a dagger at his throat.] GOLCEK: Hear this, hobbitses. There is a war raging, my precious, not only between Isengard and the Men of Rohan, but between good and evil. Yes, Mount Doom, you thinkses it is only a place to destroy my precious, but it is a place from where death will come to us alls! MULGINS: Golcek, you’re a liar and a coward. Why should I believe you? GOLCEK: I was sent by an Orcses who is fighting against Sauron. He knowses, he does, that evil can be defeated. He is imprisoned, my precious. If he dies, so does our chances to save Middle Earth. [Mulgins is stunned and speechless. Golcek suddenly slithers forward and kisses him on the cheek, then drops the dagger and scurries off. Just barely within earshot, he wishes Mulgins “good luck” in some sort of Trollish language and continues on his way.] ---
**Author:** ![ULTRAGOTHA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d9b06d/32.png) [@ULTRAGOTHA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ULTRAGOTHA)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1089 "2003-01-10T17:01:59Z")
Ring Song What a wonder is a Ring! What a versitile invention! First of all, when you’ve got a ring— Everybody pays attention. When you think what must be done, Think of all that it can do: Build up a tower, Create an army, Control the planet, Promote the sales of my book, Ensure my future, My niche in history, And then the world will see I am not a Maia to overlook! Ha-ha! And all you have to do Is wear it on your finger. Wear it on your finger— You can change the world. Whatever else is true, You trust your little ring. Just a single little ring Can change the world. Stephen Sondheim ---
**Author:** ![DrFrasierCrane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@DrFrasierCrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFrasierCrane)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1090 "2003-01-10T18:30:53Z")
Again, fantastic work here! Not just one, but _two_ songs by Sting: one solo and one with the Police! And both wonderful! How about in the style of Roald Dahl (of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame?) ---
**Author:** ![zem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4491bb/32.png) [@zem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zem)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1091 "2003-01-10T18:38:03Z")
How about a Peanuts version? Spike Lee? Stan Lee? ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1092 "2003-01-10T18:46:15Z")
If LotR had been written by Stan Lee: Saruman: “Why do you protect a world which fears and hates you, old friend? We are standing on the brink of a new age, the Age of Men, and who is better fitted to rule Men than we? Check.” Gandalf: “You know very well why, Saruman.” Saruman: “The Ents cannot keep me a prisoner in this tower forever, you know. Sooner or later, I will escape.” Gandalf: “And I, or others like me, will be there to stop you, ‘old friend.’ Mate.” If it had been written by Gene Rodenberry: “Middle-Earth. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Fellowship of the Ring. Its nine-man mission: To explore strange old ruins. To seek out new escape routes and ancient civilizations. To boldly go where no hobbit has gone before!” If it had been written by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman: Frodo: “Gandalf!” Gandalf: “Gandalf? Where??” [Looks wildly around] “I say, isn’t he dead? Fell into the caverns of Moria, didn’t he? Terrible sad ending, I must say. Heard he was a very wise and noble fellow. Not to mention quite the ladies’ man.” Frodo: “Er, pardon me, sir, but I think _you’re_ Gandalf.” Gandalf: “Me?” [Looks stricken] “Well, I must say that’s rather a letdown. I’d been feeling a bit under the weather lately, but I had no idea…wait! I know you! You’re Dodo Baggage!” Frodo: “That’s Frodo, sir. Frodo Baggins.” Gandalf: “Ah, Gogo, of course. Have you seen my staff? I know I had it here somewhere…” Frodo: “Oops! Here it is. You must have dropped it.” Gandalf: “Why thank you–Great bellowing Balrogs, Dildo! What happened to your finger?” Frodo: “It’s Frodo, sir. And I lost it, along with the One Ring, at Mount Doom.” Gandalf: [Pats him comfortingly on the back] “Well, don’t take it too hard, my lad. Happens to me all the time. Losing things constantly. Like the box thing I had over in that Earth place. Misplaced for centuries. Buried in the desert. Must remember to write a thank-you note to that Jones chap. Now hold on, where are you going?” Frodo: “On the white ship over there! Isn’t it beautiful? I wonder how they made it look just like a swan? Do you think it will really go all the way to the Undying Lands? I hope they packed enough provisons. Oooh, wait–” [Dumps contents of a pouch on the ground] “I’m sure I have a map of Numenor here–” Gandalf: “Numenor flooded and fell into the sea long ago, my boy.” Frodo: [Crestfallen] “Oh. Well,” [brightens, packing away junk] “then there must be a lot of Numenorean stuff lying on the bottom of the ocean, right? You know, I once met a gnome who had built this wonderful invention he called an ‘aqua-lung’. I bet if we went and borrowed that we could–” Gandalf: [Sighs] “This is going to be a very long journey…” ---
**Author:** ![Threadbare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Threadbare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Threadbare)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1093 "2003-01-10T18:55:03Z")
“The Eensy-Wensy Hobbit” (with finger gestures) The eensy-wensy hobbit climbed up the Mount called Doom. (Grip pretend rockface with finger nails) Gollum came up and bit off the ring with runes. (Bit off ringfinger.) Down fell the ring into the burning fire, (Make falling gestures with remaining fingers.) And the eensy-wensy hobbit went back home to the Shire. (Make walking motions with index and middle finger over forearm.) Finger puppets are optional. If you don’t know the tune, ask any four year-old. ---
**Author:** ![Alterscape](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47c2d/32.png) [@Alterscape](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alterscape)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1094 "2003-01-10T19:05:45Z")
JMS’s LotR Gandalf, Voice-over: “I was there in the twilight of the third age of mankind. It began in the Middle-Earth year 3018 with the founding of the Fellowship of the Ring, located deep within Rivendell. It was a gathering for elves, dwarves, and men; travelers from tens of kingdoms. It could be a dangerous journey, but we accepted the risk because the Fellowship was our last, best hope for peace. Under the leadership of its final commander, the Fellowship was a dream given form; a dream of a world without war, where species of different natures could live side-by-side in mutual respect. A dream that was in danger as never before by the arrival of one man on a mission of conquest. The Fellowship of the Ring was the last of the fellowships. This is its story.” (With appologies to Babylon 5’s pilot, The Gathering) Someone should really write a Clive Cussler version, as well. I would, but the creative juices aren’t flowing right now. Besides, I have a hard time imagining Frodo as an ex-Army Ranger with a collection of exotic airplanes and double Ph.Ds in astrophysics and chemical enginnering. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1095 "2003-01-10T19:05:45Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by zem \* \*\ ***WITHOUT PREJUDICE** **Re: Sauron ats Baggins** Dear Mr. Crebain: We acknowledge receipt of your letter and the Complaint described therein, dated today’s date. Please note that we have been authorized by our client to accept service of this Complaint on his behalf, and hereby confirm that we have done so, pursuant to the Rules. We advise therefore that there is no need for your process servers to pursue our client further, as service upon him personally is not necessary in this regard. We trust that these terms are acceptable to you. Please be advised further that, for reasons of personal security, compounded by your client’s efforts to compel our client to release the disputed property to his representatives against his will, our client has vacated his residence, and is currently residing with companions who are known to us, and that we are in direct contact with our client for the purposes of this Litigation. We also wish to inform you that, inasmuch as: 1. the Defendant is resident in the Judicial District of Rivendell; and 2. the disputed property in question is held, and was likewise obtained, and subsequently conveyed between parties by means of various legally binding transactions (the legitimacy of which your claim disputes), within the Judicial District of Rivendell; and 3. our client has instructed us to proceed to Counter-Claim against your client in this matter with respect to this matter; we have applied to the Superior Court of Justice in the Judicial District of Rivendell to have this matter adjudicated before the Court in Rivendell. We trust that such application is satisfactory to you. In the meantime, we have also filed a Notice of Postponement in the District Court of the Principality of Mordor, in order to delay procedure of this action, subject to the Ruling of the Superior Court of in the Judicial District of Rivendell as to the issue of _juris prudence_ in this regard. We enclose a copies of the Notice of Postponement, the Notice to Defend and Counter-Claim, plus the Application to the Superior Court of Justice for adjudication of this matter before the Court. Please note that, in our Notice of Defense and Counter-Claim, we have asked the Court to dismiss all of your client’s claims outright, pursuant to the matters of Statute as described in my earlier letters to you, and the issues of legal ownership as set down in case law and supported by the affidavits of Messrs. Gollum and Baggins. We also enclose copies of the affidavits of Messrs. Gandalf and Elrond, relating to the incident of the alleged robbery of your client, further disputing your client’s claim of rightful ownership. We advise that we have also asked the Court to levy extensive punitive damages against your client for the wrongful, willful and malicious pursuit of this claim, as well as punitive damages claim for psychological “pain and suffering” brought upon our client by your client’s representatives, and fees and costs on a solicitor/client basis. Please also note that, under the Rules of Civil Procedure, you have 45 days to respond to this Notice to Defend and Counter-Claim, after which a summary judgment will be issued by the Court against your client, _in absentia_. [etc] MEMORANDUM ## TO: Mr. I. M. Cheatam, Esq., Rivendell Office FROM: Ms. A\_A Dewey, Esq., Washington, DC Office DATE: Jan 10, 2003 RE: Proposed change of venue, Sauron v. Baggins, et al. CONFIDENTIAL ATTORNEY WORK-PRODUCT ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE Mr. Cheatem: Please be advised that the associates in the Washington office have reviewed the correspondence in this file (which is getting rather thick) and have advised me that a change of venue to the American Federal Courts pursuant to the Federal Rules is quite possible if the client can be persuaded to bring the Ring into the States; once declared at Customs as the client’s property, a Federal Question pertains as to the validity of hte Customs documents. Inasmuch as the Plaintiff/Counter-Defendant in the above-referenced action is currently incorporeal, and unable to appear (and would likely be declared an undesirable by the United States Department of State and thus denied entry to the country at any rate), and inasmuch as he would have to, at some point, appear live to testify at trial, I am advised that it is likely that he would eventually have to default to our client’s claim. This is only a suggestion, but it does seem to propose a rather elegant solution to our client’s dilemma, and would certainly save on attorneys’ fees, which, again considering the incorporeality of the Plaintiff/Counter-Defendant, we are unlikely to be able to collect in any event. While the Baggins family is a long-standing client base of the firm, we must not allow sentimentality to overrule fiscal sense. Furthermore, as I understand that the eventual intent of our client is to destroy the ring in the molten lava of a volcano, it would seem to me that bringing the ring into the States at Hawaii would kill two birds with one stone, and solve the additional problem of a long and presumably dangerous trek through Mordor. Yrs. sincerely, A.A. Dewey, esq. ---
**Author:** ![paparush](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e99b99/32.png) [@paparush](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paparush)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1096 "2003-01-10T19:15:42Z")
**And now a word from Andy Rooney -** There’s been a lot of talk lately about this hobbit, Frodo Baggins, and this so called ‘magic ring’ he’s carrying. Apparently Mr. Baggins has taken it upon himself to destroy this ring by hiking clear across middle earth to Mt Doom. I just don’t see what the big deal is. Its not like he’s walking through south central Los Angeles. That would be something. Sure, he’s hunted by flying nazgul, and he and his slightly overweight companion have to rely on a schizophrenic wretch for directions, but c’mon…really…who cares? If this hobbit wants to carry something extraodinary, tell him to carry a message to George Bush saying that people are tired of his warring ways and want decent health insurance. Let’s see him try to get past Bush’s phalynx of handlers and cronies. Baggins wouldn’t get within ten feet of Ari Fleischer, much less the president. I’d like to see Sam Gamgee turned into something really unnatural, a lower unemployment rate for instance. If the council wanted this thing done right, they would have given the job to a she-hobbit. Women are genetically superior to men. They see better. They wake up in the morning with plenty of blood flowing to their optic nerves. There would have been none of this hemming and hawing about which route to take. Did these guys in the Fellowship stop and ask directions? No, of course not. And look where they wound up. For my money, give the ring to Sam’s girlfriend Rosie. She’ll stomp into Mordor so fast that Shelob and Sauron won’t know what hit them. ---
**Author:** ![jasontag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@jasontag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasontag)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1097 "2003-01-10T19:44:29Z")
Words and Music by Roger Wormtongue, David Gimli, Nick Morgul, and Rick Wraith [Pt. 1-5] Remember in the First Age We cowed at your rage. Flame on, you evil Balrog! Now you’re extinguished in snow, Not hiding below. Flame on, you evil Balrog! You were caught in the crossfire Of Gandalf and Sauron, Fell from the stone bridge. Come on you creature Of darkness and fire; Come on you legend of terror inspired And flame! You reached for the wizard too soon, O curse of Udun. Flame on you evil Balrog! Threatening with your sword and whip; How sad that you slipped. Flame on you evil Balrog! Well you wore out the patience Of Anor’s gray servant; Thrown from the stone bridge. Come on you relic, You elf-bane of Morgoth; Come you demon, you shadow behemoth And flame! [Pt. 6-9] Nobody knows where you’ve gone, Thangorodim’s spawn. Flame on you evil Balrog! But if the dark wins the fight, You might reignite. Flame on you evil Balrog! And we’ll bask in the memory Of cave-trolls and dragons; Walk ‘cross the stone bridge. Come on you ancient, Who kneeled at the black throne; Come on you miner of orc-heads and dwarf-bones And flame! ---
**Author:** ![zem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4491bb/32.png) [@zem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zem)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1098 "2003-01-10T19:49:46Z")
> [@](#): > > MEMORANDUM > > ## TO: Mr. I. M. Cheatam, Esq., Rivendell Office FROM: Ms. A\_A Dewey, Esq., Washington, DC Office DATE: Jan 10, 2003 RE: Proposed change of venue, Sauron v. Baggins, et al. > > CONFIDENTIAL > ATTORNEY WORK-PRODUCT > ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE > > Mr. Cheatem: > > Please be advised that the associates in the Washington office have reviewed the correspondence in this file (which is getting rather thick) and have advised me that a change of venue to the American Federal Courts pursuant to the Federal Rules is quite possible if the client can be persuaded to bring the Ring into the States; once declared at Customs as the client’s property, a Federal Question pertains as to the validity of hte Customs documents. > > Inasmuch as the Plaintiff/Counter-Defendant in the above-referenced action is currently incorporeal, and unable to appear (and would likely be declared an undesirable by the United States Department of State and thus denied entry to the country at any rate), and inasmuch as he would have to, at some point, appear live to testify at trial, I am advised that it is likely that he would eventually have to default to our client’s claim. > > This is only a suggestion, but it does seem to propose a rather elegant solution to our client’s dilemma, and would certainly save on attorneys’ fees, which, again considering the incorporeality of the Plaintiff/Counter-Defendant, we are unlikely to be able to collect in any event. While the Baggins family is a long-standing client base of the firm, we must not allow sentimentality to overrule fiscal sense. > > Furthermore, as I understand that the eventual intent of our client is to destroy the ring in the molten lava of a volcano, it would seem to me that bringing the ring into the States at Hawaii would kill two birds with one stone, and solve the additional problem of a long and presumably dangerous trek through Mordor. > > Yrs. sincerely, > A.A. Dewey, esq. ## TO: Ms. A\_A Dewey, Esq., Washington, DC Office FROM: Ms. A\_A Dewey, Esq., Washington, DC Office DATE: Jan 10, 2003 RE: Sauron v. Baggins, et al - Proposed change of venue STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL ATTORNEY WORK-PRODUCT ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE Ms. Dewey: Many thanks for your memo to me of today’s date. It was wonderful to hear from you again. I hope that all is well in Washington with you and your family. I will discuss this matter with our client immediately, and will inform you as to my progress with respect to same. However, I am not entirely certain that the probable response from our client will be entirely favourable. Mr. Baggins had informed me, only just prior to receiving your memo, that he has recently entered into a Fellowship Agreement with certain other individuals, and that Mr. Baggins will be expected to provide certain duties within the Fellowhip which will require his presence in the Rivendell area. Nevertheless, there are remedies within the Agreement, itself, which may allow Mr. Baggins’ withdrawal from the Fellowship, in order to pursue the possible solution as you have described in your memo. I shall keep you informed as to my progress in this matter. Best regards, I.M. Cheatem, Q.C. ---
**Author:** ![dwmacg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwmacg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwmacg)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1099 "2003-01-10T20:05:26Z")
1. C: I can’t believe you ate up all the Lithril, Tigolas. H [holding stomach]: What’s in those things, anyway? 2. C: I dunno. It’s some kind of Dwarf food. I think they mix lembas with mithril. H: Well, that would explain the metallic taste. 3. C: Anyway, we can’t sit around talking about dwarf cuisine. We’ve got to continue with our quest. H: You go on ahead. I’m going to take a nap. 4. C: How can you take a nap at a time like this, you lazy fuzzball?!! H [indignant]: We tigers have a saying: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a nap.” * * * 1. C: All right, lithril breath, if you want to take a nap, I’m going on without you. And I’m cutting you out of the book. H: Ha! You can’t write a book if you can’t even read. And boys dressed in capes and leotards shouldn’t be insulting anyone. 2. C: Question my manhood, will you? I’ll give you something to read—a knuckle sandwich. 3. [Calvo and Hobwise fighting, with various invectives being thrown.] 4. H: [stepping back, holding up ring] Why, look what I’ve found. C [in horror]: No!!! Give that back!!! * * * 1. C: Give me that ring, lizardbrain. H: I wouldn’t go around insulting the ringbearer, if I were you. Hey, I wonder if this fits. 2. C [alone]: Hey, don’t put it on! The Dadguls’ll see you. Hobwise! 3. H [visible again]: Oooh, boy. Talk about a vision of horror. C: What? What did you see? 4. H: You taking a bath. C: Give me that ring! * * * 1. C: Give me that ring! It’s my precious! H: If you want it back, you have to sing the “Ode to Tigers”. 2. C: Forget it, balrog head. H: Well, if you don’t want it, I guess I’ll just give it back to your mom. 3. C: No! You can’t do that! She’ll make me take a bath until I’m all wrinkled like a raisin! H: Then sing the ode. 4. C: All right already. “Tigers are great, tigers are cool, if you don’t have a tiger, you’re a half-witted fool.” H: Now sing the second verse. * * * 1. C: Forget it. I sang the first verse. If you don’t want to give me back my ring, fine. H: Oh well, I guess you can have it back. It doesn’t match my fur, anyway. 2. C: Good, now let’s go find some help. H: Who are you going to ask for help? 3. C: There’s only one person that can help with a case like this. 4. C: (sitting in a dimly lit office, wearing a fedora and an overcoat, with his feet up on a desk): Normally I don’t take jewelry cases, but the wizard was persuasive. tune in next week… ---
**Author:** ![zorikh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/47e85d/32.png) [@zorikh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zorikh)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1100 "2003-01-10T20:20:59Z")
This was found in the dusty archives of a Memphis recording studio, dated 1957… Way down in a valley off in middle earth In a cozy hobbit hole buried in the dirt Little Frodo Baggins had a quiet room Little did he care he had the ring of doom Gandalf said “Frodo take the ring and go And throw that evil ring in a volcano” Chorus: Now go, go Frodo, go … Frodo be good! Frodo and his buddy Sam hit the road Dangled on a chain was the heavy load They were chased by ring-wraiths cross the stream and field 'Till a little magic forced them to yield A council of heroes in an Elvish room Forged a fellowship to go to Mount Doom (Chorus) The fellowship went through an awful time They quarreled with each other and they drank some wine They got tangled up in trees and they battled orcs And the goblins in the mine made them look like dorks But when everything seemed lost then the only thing That could save them from death was The Return of the King. (Chorus) Well Frodo and Sam finally did their thing They got to mount Doom and dumped that ring They got rid of Gollum at the same time And now they’re back home and they’re feeling fine Now they are the biggest heroes in the land Even though Frodo has a truncated hand ## (Chorus) A note attached to the tape said: "Chuck Baby, love the hook, but the lyrics, what are you trying to say? Are you reading books again? Stop hanging out with those beatnicks and smoking reefer! ---
**Author:** ![surferdave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@surferdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/surferdave)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2003, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1101 "2003-01-10T20:35:53Z")
**THE TAMING OF SMÉAGOLIO By William Shakespeare** \*SCENE V. The Emyn Muil. Enter SMÉAGOLIO, FRODORINA, and SAMWISIO \* \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* Come on, b’ My Preciousssss; once more toward Him, the Black Hand. Good Lord, how bright and goodly shines the White Face! We hatessss it we hatessss it we do! \*\*FRODORINA \*\* The White Face! the Yellow Face: it is not White Face light now. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* We says it is the White Face that shines so bright. \*\*FRODORINA \*\* I know it is the Yellow Face that shines so bright. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* Now, by my mother’s son, and that’s myself, It shall be White Face, or star, or whats we list, Or ere we journeys to Hissssssssss house. Go on, and fetch our pots & pans back again. Evermore crosssss’d and crossss’d; nothing but crosssss’d! Gollum, Gollum…. \*\*SAMWISIO \*\* Say as he says, or we shall never go. \*\*FRODORINA \*\* Forward, I pray, since we have come so far, And be it White Face, or Yellow Face, or what you please: An if you please to call it a rush-candle, Henceforth I vow it shall be so for me. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* We says it is the White Face. \*\*FRODORINA \*\* I know it is the White Face. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* Nay, then you liessss: it is the cursed Yellow Face. \*\*FRODORINA \*\* Then, God be bless’d, it is the cursed Yellow Face: But Yellow Face it is not, when you say it is not; And the White Face changes even as your mind. What you will have it named, even that it is; And so it shall be so for FRODORINA. \*\*SAMWISIO \*\* SMÉAGOLIO, go thy ways; the field is won. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* Well, forward, forward! thus the bowl should run, And not unluckily against the bias. But, soft! company is coming here. \*Enter NAZGÛLIO To NAZGÛLIO\* Good morrow, gentle mistress: where away? Tell me, sweet Frodo, and tells us truly too, Hast thou beheld a fresher gentlewoman? Such war of white and red within her cheeksss! What stars do spangle heaven with such beauty, As those two eyes become that heavenly face? Fair lovely maid, once more good day to thee. Sweet Frodo, embrace her for her beauty’s sake. \*\*SAMWISIO \*\* A’ will make the wraith mad, to make a woman of him. \*\*FRODORINA \*\* Young budding virgin, fair and fresh and sweet, Whither away, or where is thy abode? Happy the parents of so fair a child; Happier the man, whom favourable stars Allot thee for his lovely bed-fellow! \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* Why, how now, Frodo! We hopes thou art not mad: This is a wraith, old, wrinkled, faded, wither’d, And not a maiden, as thou say’st he is. \*\*FRODORINA \*\* Pardon, old spirit, my mistaking eyes, That have been so bedazzled with the Yellow Face That everything I look on seemeth green: Now I perceive thou art a dread ringwraith; Pardon, I pray thee, for my mad mistaking. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* Do, good old grandsire; and withal make known Which way thou travellest: if along with us, We shall be joyful of thy company. \*\*NAZGÛLIO \*\* Fair gangrel creature, and you my merry halfling, That with your strange encounter much amazed me, My name is call’d NAZGÛLIO; my dwelling Mordor; And bound I am to the Black Gate; there to visit My Master, which long I have not seen. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* What is his name? \*\*NAZGÛLIO \*\* Saurontio, gentle sir. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* Happily we met; the happier for thy Master. And now by law, as well as reverend age, We may entitle thee our loving father: The preciousss borne by my Massster, this gentle hobbit, Thy Master by this hath forged. Wonder not, Nor be grieved: My Preciousss is of good esteem, Its letters fiery, and of worthy forging; Beside, so qualified as may beseem The Ring of Power of any Dark Lord. Lets us embrace with old NAZGÛLIO, And wander we to see thy dread Masssster, Who will of thy arrival be full joyous. \*\*NAZGÛLIO \*\* But is it true? or else is it your pleasure, Like pleasant travellers, to break a jest Upon the company you overtake? \*\*SAMWISIO \*\* I do assure thee, father, so it is. \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* Come, go along, and see the truth hereof; For our first merriment hath made thee jealous. Gollum, Gollum……. _Exeunt all but SAMWISIO_ \*\*SAMWISIO \*\* Well, SMÉAGOLIO, this has put me in heart. If my old gaffer were here to see this He’d have something to say, make no mistake. _Exit_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=54) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=56)