# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 58
**Author:** ![Hatrack\_s\_Dragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/35a633/32.png) [@Hatrack\_s\_Dragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hatrack_s_Dragon)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1142 "2003-01-11T17:49:27Z")
I love all the Gilbert and Sullivan ones! KathleenTheCritic, your “i feel Gritty” was great!! \<— will have to try writting one although it will be very bad. ---
**Author:** ![jasontag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@jasontag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasontag)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1143 "2003-01-11T19:28:22Z")
Is there anyone here old enough to get this? Born in a hobbitt-hole near Brandywine Simplest place that you ever will find To the Sackville-Baggines he paid no mind Killed him an Orc when he was only nine! Frodo, Frodo Baggins King of the Ring-Bearers! Jeff ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1144 "2003-01-11T19:31:23Z")
Jeff/jasontag: Is Frodo going to be wearing a coonskin cap in theDisney animated remake??? Oh, the horror… _grin_ ---
**Author:** ![demi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@demi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/demi)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1145 "2003-01-11T19:40:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by demi \* > **…bring the four halflings to Rivendell or I snitch you to the Elrond for Arwen.** “to Elrond,” natch. (D’oh! editing not allowed). ---
**Author:** ![HBergeron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HBergeron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HBergeron)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1146 "2003-01-11T20:17:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by zem \* > \*\ ***WITHOUT PREJUDICE** > **Re: Sauron ats Baggins** > > Dear Mr. Crebain: > > We acknowledge receipt of your letter and the Complaint described therein, dated today’s date. Please note that we have been authorized by our client to accept service of this Complaint on his behalf, and hereby confirm that we have done so, pursuant to the Rules. We advise therefore that there is no need for your process servers to pursue our client further, as service upon him personally is not necessary in this regard. We trust that these terms are acceptable to you. > > Please be advised further that, for reasons of personal security, compounded by your client’s efforts to compel our client to release the disputed property to his representatives against his will, our client has vacated his residence, and is currently residing with companions who are known to us, and that we are in direct contact with our client for the purposes of this Litigation. > > We also wish to inform you that, inasmuch as: > > 1. the Defendant is resident in the Judicial District of Rivendell; and > > 2. the disputed property in question is held, and was likewise obtained, and subsequently conveyed between parties by means of various legally binding transactions (the legitimacy of which your claim disputes), within the Judicial District of Rivendell; and > > 3. our client has instructed us to proceed to Counter-Claim against your client in this matter with respect to this matter; > > we have applied to the Superior Court of Justice in the Judicial District of Rivendell to have this matter adjudicated before the Court in Rivendell. We trust that such application is satisfactory to you. In the meantime, we have also filed a Notice of Postponement in the District Court of the Principality of Mordor, in order to delay procedure of this action, subject to the Ruling of the Superior Court of in the Judicial District of Rivendell as to the issue of _juris prudence_ in this regard. > > We enclose a copies of the Notice of Postponement, the Notice to Defend and Counter-Claim, plus the Application to the Superior Court of Justice for adjudication of this matter before the Court. > > Please note that, in our Notice of Defense and Counter-Claim, we have asked the Court to dismiss all of your client’s claims outright, pursuant to the matters of Statute as described in my earlier letters to you, and the issues of legal ownership as set down in case law and supported by the affidavits of Messrs. Gollum and Baggins. We also enclose copies of the affidavits of Messrs. Gandalf and Elrond, relating to the incident of the alleged robbery of your client, further disputing your client’s claim of rightful ownership. > > We advise that we have also asked the Court to levy extensive punitive damages against your client for the wrongful, willful and malicious pursuit of this claim, as well as punitive damages claim for psychological “pain and suffering” brought upon our client by your client’s representatives, and fees and costs on a solicitor/client basis. > > Please also note that, under the Rules of Civil Procedure, you have 45 days to respond to this Notice to Defend and Counter-Claim, after which a summary judgment will be issued by the Court against your client, _in absentia_. > We trust that the foregoing is satisfactory to you, and remain, > > Yours faithfully, > > Dewey Cheatem & Howe > Barristers and Solicitors > > per: > > I.M. Cheatem, Q.C. \*\* Mr. Cheatem, ``` Please be advised that Mr. Frodo Baggins has been arrested attempting an illegal border crossing into the Principality of Mordor. Captain Gorbag of the Minas Morgul Border Patrol station reports that Mr. Baggins was found in a state of near death and was brought to the stationhouse. After receiving medical attention, Mr. Baggins appears to be recovering, but he will be detained until such time as an arraignment can be held to determine if charges will be brought against him. As best as I have been able to determine, said arraignment will be held Monday morning at 9 AM local time. While we appreciate your stipulation of proper service, we have nonetheless taken the addditional precaution of ensuring that Mr. Baggins was personally served with process within the borders of the Principality of Mordor on 10 January. We will therefore expect your responsive pleading, filed with the District Court of Mordor, within 20 days. It is worthy of note that my client's ring did not appear on the inventory of Mr. Baggins' possessions which was made when he was taken into custody. It is my sincere hope that Mr. Baggins has kept you apprised of the whereabouts of my client's property. If he has passed it to another or otherwise hidden it to avoid the consequences of this litigation, he will be liable for additional compensatory and puntive damages under Mordor law. I have been in contact with the federal prosecutor who has been assigned to Mr. Baggins' case and informed him that Administrator Sauron has an ongoing legal dispute with the accused. We have indicated to him that we have made several offers of settlement and requested that he consider a plea arrangement with your client. While I do not, myself, have any direct authority over the prosecutor's office, they have been known in the past to demonstrate considerable deference to the Administrator. I am reasonably confident that, should your client agree to settle this matter by returning my client's property forthwith, the prosecutor will be amenable to a plea arrangement that avoids jail time or other penalties. Insofar as the typical sentence for the crime of which your client is accused is life at hard labour, you or your locally associate counsel may wish to discuss such an arrangement with him. If you wish to discuss the arrangements of a settlement or if I can be of any assistance in contacting the appropriate authorities, please do not hesitate to contact me. ``` Sincerely, Grima Crebain, Attorney at Law ---
**Author:** ![gi1242](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@gi1242](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gi1242)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1147 "2003-01-11T20:49:42Z")
bummer. i can’t type. i meant douglas adams 🙂 > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gi1242 \* > \*\*Uruk-Hai captain Ugluk was attempting to use his spear as an unwieldy > toothpick. While snarling in battle earlier, a Gobblin elbow found > it’s way into his mouth. His clumsy hands and over sized toothpick only > made things worse. > > He always felt vaguely irritable after outnumbering his enemy 10000 to > one, and still loosing. He wondered if roasting the two hobbits for > dinner would make him feel any better? He’d still outnumber them 10000 > to one, but at least he wouldn’t loose. > > “Hello everybody” he grunted. “This is your Captain Ugluk speaking, so > stop whatever you are doing and listen. Firstly, for our fine hobbit > friends: Carrying you and listening to you wine all day has finally > got on my nerves. I’ve decided to roast you for dinner tonight. > Unfortunately, Saruman didn’t give me any salt and pepper, so you’re > going to taste pretty bland. However, if I’m in a good mood, I might > let you listen to the Uruk-Hai snarl first” > > “Secondly, we’re going to Saruman and demand better food rations on > our missions. If Gladriel can give her elves Lembas, the least we can > get is some seasonings to go with roast hobbits?” > > Pippin kicked himself. “Merry, did you hear that?” he said urgently, > “What do you think will happen?” > > “Well” Merry reluctantly replied. “If we’re lucky, we’ll get roasted > salt less for dinner” > > “And if we’re not?” cried Pippin appalled. > > “Ugluk might snarl before roasting us.” > > * * * > > The Red Book has something to say about Uruk-Hai snarls: > > "The Uruk-Hai snarl is the third worst snarl in the history of Middle > earth. Most warriors would rather kill themselves in battle than > listen to an Uruk-Hai gloat over his trademark snarl. The sound isn’t > too bad. But the Uruk-Hai tend to open their mouths wide while > snarling. In these pre- toothbrush days, a diet of raw meat and 50 > decaying teeth makes the odor unbearable. > > A notable exception to this however are the Rangers. Some hundred > odd years of riding the planes without showering makes any Orc breath > almost unnoticeable." > > * * * > > Ugluk smiled to himself. Snarling for an audience always lifted his > spirits. The unsalted hobbit roast shortly was an added bonous. He > prodded his canines in gleeful anticipation. > > The Hobbits trembelled all over. Rumors of the Orcbreath had spread > far and wide, and to date no Dwarf, Elf of Hobbit had lived to tell > the tail. > > “Psst. Pippin” whispered Merry. “Stuff this in your nose when Ugluk > snarls” > > “Why? What is it?” said Pippin. > > “Aragorn’s scarf.” > > “No thanks” growled Pippin and flung it to the ground. As if the stale > Lembas wasn’t bad enough. > > “Trust me. It’ll help. We’ve been with Aragorn long enough to resist > the odor. And in comparison Orcbreath should be Simbelmyne?” > > Pippin was still reluctant. “Suppose we just hold our breath?” > > Merry gaped. Here was a simple approach that hadn’t’ quite occurred to > him before. Ingenious. It actually might work. The timing would be > tricky though. If they held their breath too long, they might pass > out. If they held it for little, Orcbreath would wreak havoc on their > olfactory glands. > > Ugluk approached them with determination. He pulled back his > dreadlocks, drew in a deep breath and parted his lips. > > Merry and Pippin held their breath. > > “Ughhhhgghhhghhhghhghhghhghhhghhh…” > > Merry and Pippin let out their breath. > > “Very impressive” said Pippin “Your poise was most warlike”. > > Merry gaped again. Sheer genius. This Hobbit’s done it twice now. > > “Suppose you turn left and snarl again for us Ugluk?” piped Pippin. > “You would look more man… erm Orcly” > > Ugluk was taken aback. Never before had he received praise for his > Uruk-Hai snarl. Generally it was because he used sharp instruments to > unseam his dying opponents right after his snarl. But nevertheless, > praise was praise, and admiring fans must be appeased. > > He turned to his left and let loose. A hundred orcs within smelling > distance fell lifeless to the ground > > “How was that” he grunted triumphantly. > > “Excellent. Even better that the first one” exclaimed Merry. “How > about looking the other way this time?” > > Ugluk turned right and snarled. Another hundred orcs fell dead. > > “Hey, someone’s killing us” shouted an Uruk-Hai from the rear. “We’re > under attack” > > Three orcs snarled unanimously. Another fifty odd breathed their last. > > They grabbed their weapons and started fighting each other. > Intelligence never was their strong point. Merry and Pippin slunk away > in the chaos. \*\* ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1148 "2003-01-11T22:11:54Z")
Margaret Mitchell… Gone With the Fire The world as they knew it was coming to a close. The genteel sound of elvish music from down in Rivendell, the soft breezes of the Shire… They would leave all of this, and go off to march in ranks at war, a war that would leave many broken, and many more dead… A war that would tear their world apart… A world that would shortly be…Gone With the Fire. Arwen O’Hara flounced out of the door, skirts bustling, and came out to the porch to sit with the Tarleton twins, Merry and Pippin. “Hello, boys,” she said with a soft honeyed drawl and a practiced smile. “I do declare, it’s fine weather for a barbecue.” Merry smiled broadly at her. “It sure is, Miss Arwen. You are going to eat barbecue with us tomorrow at Twelve Oaks, aren’t you?” Arwen smiled sweetly. “Well, boys, I’d like to…” Pippen piped up, “Yes, Miss Arwen, please, say you will! We’ll tell you a secret!” Arwen gazed coyly at Pippen. “A secret? About who?” “About the doings over at Twelve Oaks. We hear that Mr. Aragorn Wilkes is planning to marry his cousin, and they’re going to announce the engagement at the barbecue! You will eat with us now, Miss Arwen, honey, won’t you?” Arwen looked dazed as she absently replied, “Yes…yes, of course I will.” The twins jumped up and began to shout hurrahs, oblivous to her lack of attention. She whispered to herself, “But it can’t be! Aragorn loves me!” * * * Elrond O’Hara looked down at his eldest daughter with fondness and pride. “Ah, Katie Arwen, ‘twill be a grand occasion tomorrow at Twelve Oaks, the Wilkes’ are after throwing a grand party for Mr. Wilkes’ eleventy-first birthday.” “Oh, Pa?” Arwen asked. “Was anyone else there?” Elrond looked at Arwen shrewdly. “Aye, Miss Melanie Hamilton from Atlanta was there. Aragorn Wilkes is to marry her, I have it from Mr. Bilbo Wilkes\* himself this morning. They’ll be announcing the engagement at the ball tomorrow night.” Arwen gasped. “But Aragorn can’t marry Melanie!” Elrond gazed sharply at his daughter. “Have you been carrying on with Aragorn Wilkes, when you could have any of the young bucks in the Shire, or in all of Middle Earth, for that matter? Has he made promises to you? Has he asked you to marry him?” “No Pa,” Arwen whispered, abashed. “No, nor will he. Face facts, daughter, you’re an elf, he’s a mortal. You need someone who thinks like you. I want you to be happy, and it’s not happy with Aragorn you’d be, I’m thinking.” * * * \*Yes, I KNOW Bilbo is NOT Aragorn’s father. Deal. ---
**Author:** ![blago](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc348/32.png) [@blago](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blago)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1149 "2003-01-11T22:51:50Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by toadspittle \* haven’t read a Piers book in recent enough memory to get his style down, I just borrowed a chapter out of J Random Piers Anthony book & edited appropriatly. They walked outside. The cloud-cover had intensi fied, shrouding all of the mountain above their level, leaving only a low-ceilinged layer of visibility, like a huge, black, room. “This must be hell,” muttered Frodo, “It figures that the gates of hell would be guarded by a giant arachnid.” “Master Frodo,” Sam called from somewhere behind him, “I fear that there might be Orcs a-comin’.” Sam’s dress was shredded to less than worthless as clothing, but still she gripped the tattered rags vainly trying to maintain a modicum of decency. Yes, I suspect that he would have made Sam a female to hold the purient interest of those so interested… ---
**Author:** ![sundown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/77aa72/32.png) [@sundown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sundown)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1150 "2003-01-11T22:52:37Z")
Mr. Frodo Baggins. A Hobbit, living a hobbit life in his hobbit hole. Nothing out of the ordinary. But Mr. Baggins is about to make a mistake. He is going to open a door. A door that leads to… The Twilight Zone. ---
**Author:** ![FranticMad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c68b51/32.png) [@FranticMad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FranticMad)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1151 "2003-01-11T23:42:50Z")
“Sam,” said Frodo “I must never put this ring on. I am being watched at all times by an evil eye. My soul is being drained away, Sam. It’s the ring.” “Yes Mr. Frodo sir, I know all about the ring sir.” “I think no man who has not worn it can understand, Sam.” “But sir,” Sam continued “I do know. How do I know? Because I was MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS. MARRIAGE IS HELLLLLL. If I ever put a G\*\*\*\*\*\* ring on again, Mr. Frodo sir, KILL ME, KILL ME, PLEASE F\*\*\*\*\*\* MOTHER OF GOD KILL ME.” ---
**Author:** ![well\_he\_s\_back](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3ab097/32.png) [@well\_he\_s\_back](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/well_he_s_back)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1152 "2003-01-11T23:44:52Z")
So many wonderful posts, but thanks especially for the Streets of London parody - marvelous. wonder what Ralph McTell (real song’s author) would think. I was going to post traditional hymn version of LOTR, reworking “He Lives” to “Frodo Lives” perhaps, or “Amazing Grace” to “Amazing Ring”, but didn’t want to veer into the realm of the seriously blasphemous or offensive. ---
**Author:** ![pjt33](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e0b2c6/32.png) [@pjt33](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjt33)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1153 "2003-01-11T23:46:38Z")
**Frodo the Ringbearer** Author’s note: Some critics of _I, Frodo_, the prefatory volume to _Frodo the Ringbearer_, suggested that in writing it I had merely consulted Bilbo’s _Bagginses of the Shire_ and Elrond’s _Annals of the Third Age_, and expanded upon them with my own imagination. Nothing could be further from the truth. In the composition of this volume, I have relied upon the great Library of Isengard, whose works include the diary of Saruman the White, the Royal Archives of Gondor, the memories of Treebeard, and sundry accounts written by others involved. Scarcely a paragraph of this narrative is unsupported by some of the primary literature, and I hope the whole is historically possible. The most difficult part to recount is Mithrandir’s fight with the Balrog, for he was reluctant to speak much upon that subject, and the comtemporary references are entirely in passing. Two years have gone by since I finished writing the long story of how I, Frodo Baggins, a straightforward hobbit of the Shire, brought up in the shadow of the attention focussed upon my famous, or infamous, uncle Bilbo, came to have the Ring of Power thrust upon me. I ended the story at that point, which was most remiss of me. A historian ought not to leave a story at a point of intrigue; I should at least have carried the story until I arrived with the Ring in Rivendell, and related the fates of Bilbo and Gandalf, as I knew him. Instead I left the story as I and Sam had been thrust out of the door, neither of us wishing to flee to Bree, and I in particular not wanting the responsibility entrusted to me. The reason I did not take the account any further was that it was written less as a piece of history than as an apology, special pleading for having allowed myself to end up with the fate of Middle Earth resting on my shoulders and an adventure looming ahead of me. … ---
**Author:** ![Kadorienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e274bd/32.png) [@Kadorienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kadorienne)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1154 "2003-01-12T01:15:17Z")
These are great. Especially the Rand, Rush, Riverdance and William Carlos Williams ones. Someone wrote the one I was contemplating. _pout_ So… would someone pretty please do an Anthony Robbins one? Anton LaVey and Tanith Lee would also be pretty cool, but Tony Robbins would, I believe, rock. ---
**Author:** ![RapierOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9e8a1a/32.png) [@RapierOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RapierOne)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1155 "2003-01-12T01:16:33Z")
Oh My God! PLEASE tell me that you have some experience speaking in legaleese and you aren’t making this up off the cuff. This is fantastic! I can’t wait until the Court renders it’s Judgement. The appeals process alone could go on for eons! -Rapier > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by zem \* > \*\ ***WITHOUT PREJUDICE** > **Re: Sauron ats Baggins** > Dear Mr. Crebain: > > We acknowledge receipt of your letter and the Complaint described therein, dated today’s date. Please note that we have been authorized by our client to accept service of this Complaint on his behalf, and hereby confirm that we have done so, pursuant to the Rules. We advise therefore that there is no need for your process servers to pursue our client further, as service upon him personally is not necessary in this regard. We trust that these terms are acceptable to you. > > Please be advised further that, for reasons of personal security, compounded by your client’s efforts to compel our client to release the disputed property to his representatives against his will, our client has vacated his residence, and is currently residing with companions who are known to us, and that we are in direct contact with our client for the purposes of this Litigation. > > We also wish to inform you that, inasmuch as: > > 1. the Defendant is resident in the Judicial District of Rivendell; and > > 2. the disputed property in question is held, and was likewise obtained, and subsequently conveyed between parties by means of various legally binding transactions (the legitimacy of which your claim disputes), within the Judicial District of Rivendell; and > > 3. our client has instructed us to proceed to Counter-Claim against your client in this matter with respect to this matter; > > we have applied to the Superior Court of Justice in the Judicial District of Rivendell to have this matter adjudicated before the Court in Rivendell. We trust that such application is satisfactory to you. In the meantime, we have also filed a Notice of Postponement in the District Court of the Principality of Mordor, in order to delay procedure of this action, subject to the Ruling of the Superior Court of in the Judicial District of Rivendell as to the issue of _juris prudence_ in this regard. > > We enclose a copies of the Notice of Postponement, the Notice to Defend and Counter-Claim, plus the Application to the Superior Court of Justice for adjudication of this matter before the Court. > > Please note that, in our Notice of Defense and Counter-Claim, we have asked the Court to dismiss all of your client’s claims outright, pursuant to the matters of Statute as described in my earlier letters to you, and the issues of legal ownership as set down in case law and supported by the affidavits of Messrs. Gollum and Baggins. We also enclose copies of the affidavits of Messrs. Gandalf and Elrond, relating to the incident of the alleged robbery of your client, further disputing your client’s claim of rightful ownership. > > We advise that we have also asked the Court to levy extensive punitive damages against your client for the wrongful, willful and malicious pursuit of this claim, as well as punitive damages claim for psychological “pain and suffering” brought upon our client by your client’s representatives, and fees and costs on a solicitor/client basis. > > Please also note that, under the Rules of Civil Procedure, you have 45 days to respond to this Notice to Defend and Counter-Claim, after which a summary judgment will be issued by the Court against your client, _in absentia_. > We trust that the foregoing is satisfactory to you, and remain, > > Yours faithfully, > > Dewey Cheatem & Howe > Barristers and Solicitors > > per: > > I.M. Cheatem, Q.C. \*\* ---
**Author:** ![RapierOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9e8a1a/32.png) [@RapierOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RapierOne)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1156 "2003-01-12T01:22:58Z")
That’s it…the End is niegh… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Reuel\_Miller \* > \*\*Greetings > > OK… now that my virgin post has been posted, let me do another… > > I have seen a Dr Phil skit, a Survivor skit, a Friends skit… but not a Jerry Springer skit 😉 > > It embarrasses me that I have seen enough Jerry episodes to be able to do this parody. > > Apologies to pratically everybody on the planet (I am definately going to hell for this one)… > > Here goes: > > Please keep all death threats off this thread 😉 \*\* ---
**Author:** ![mocroidh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@mocroidh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mocroidh)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1157 "2003-01-12T02:52:04Z")
We’ve had Marx, but what about some other classic political philosophers? J. R. R. Hobbes The Power of a Dark Lord (to take it Universally,) is his present means, to obtain some future apparent Evil. And it is either Originall, or Instrumentall… …The Greatest of humane Powers, is that which is compounded of the Powers of most rings, united by consent, in one ring, Naturall, or Civill, that has the use of all their Powers depending on the Dark Lord’s will; such as is the Power of the One Ring: Or depending on the wills of each particular; such as is the Power of a Fellowship, or of diverse fellowships leagued. Therefore to have rings, is Power: To have the One Ring, is ultimate Power: for it is one to rule them all… …Whatsoever therefore is consequent to a time of Warre, where every orc is Enemy to every hobbit; the same is consequent to the time, wherein hobbits live without other security, than what their own strength, and their own invention shall furnish them withall. In such condition, there is no place for Gardening; because the fruit therof is uncertain; and consequently no Smoking of the Pipeweede; no hobbit-hole Building; no Ale-drinking; no Knowledge of the face of Middle Earth; no account of Second Breakfaste; no Arts; no Letters; no Society; and which is worst of all, continual feare, and danger of missing a Meal; And the life of hobbits, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short… ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1158 "2003-01-12T03:18:25Z")
Alexis de Tocqueville - Democracy in Middle Earth If absolute power were re-established amongst the various nations of Middle Earth, I am persuaded that it woudl assume a new form, and appear under features unkonwn to our fathers. There was a time in Middle Earth when the laws and the consent of the people had invested princes with almost unlimited authority, but they scarcely ever availed themselves of it. I do not speak of the preprogatives of the nobility, of the authority of high courts of justice, of corporations and their chartered rights, or of provincial privileges, which served to break the blows of soveriegn authority, and to keep up a spirit of resistance in the nation… If the absolute power of The Ring were to be substituted, by democratic nations, for all th edifferent powers which checked or retarded overmuch the energy of individual minds, the evil would only have changed character. Men would not have found the means of independent life; they woudl simply have discovered (no easy task) a new physiognomy of servitude… ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1159 "2003-01-12T05:49:34Z")
When last I saw this thread, it had 200 posts and 3000 views. Unfortunately, travel and surgery have kept me away from the board for about a month, so I wasn’t able to read most of these ingenious posts until today. I note that not very many fantasy authors have been skewered yet, so without any further ado, James Stoddard: Chapter 1. The great peak of Mount Doom, which lifts its rocky slopes above the hot, barren deserts of the land of Mordor, has seldom been seen by ordinary men. Those who do work in its shadow do so not by choice, and they labor long in the service of the Dark Lord Sauron. But of those who have been to Mount Doom, there is one Hobbit of some note, who went by the name of Frodo Baggins. He lived late in the Third Age, and was widely known for his great deeds during the scouring of the Shire. But this is a story from an earlier time, before his days of glory. Frodo was born across the water. He remembered his true parents only as warmth and love, for they both drowned shortly after his birth. Afterwards, his childhood seemed destined to be one of pain and loneliness until he was adopted by his uncle Bilbo, who brought young Frodo home past the brown picket fence and through the little round green wooden door at the front of his hole. There, Frodo grew up, watching as Bilbo received visitors from elsewhere in MiddleEarth, dwarves, elves, and occasionally the great wizard Gandalf, who had long robes, a brown pointy hat, and a tall staff. When Frodo was thirty-three years old, Bilbo left. Before he departed, he made Frodo master of the house and left him a small, golden ring. “I must be leaving now,” Bilbo said, “I want to be on the road. I want to see mountains again. You are but a young man now, Frodo, so I don’t think that you can understand, but I must go.” So saying, Bilbo strode out the door and down the road, and he never returned to Hobbiton again. Chapter 2. Some years later, Frodo happened to be working in the yard, when he glanced up and noticed a horseman riding by. This figure’s horse was entirely black, and he wore a long, black cloak and had only a dark sheet where his face should have been. After the rider had gone, Frodo turned to his gardener, Sam. He said, “This is all strange and incorrect. Horsemen should have faces. Sam, I think it’s time that we found out where that ring my uncle gave me actually comes from.” ---
**Author:** ![mocroidh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@mocroidh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mocroidh)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1160 "2003-01-12T06:41:48Z")
More Dylan… All Along the Helm’s Deep Wall “There must be some way out of here,” Said the Ranger to the elf, “There’s too much confusion here, I can’t help myself. Theoden, he thinks he’s fine, Plowmen man the wall, None of them along the line, Are trained to fight at all.” “No reason to get excited,” The elf he kindly spoke. “There are many among us Who think the Uruk-Hai are but a joke. But you and I, we’ve seen all that, And this is not our fate, So let us not talk falsely now, The hour is getting late.” All along the Helm’s Deep wall, Elves and men kept the view, While all the women to caverns went, Barefoot children too. Outside in the distance, The Uruk-Hai did growl, Quickly they were approaching, And the wind began to howl. ---
**Author:** ![Apollo\_Almond](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Apollo\_Almond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollo_Almond)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1161 "2003-01-12T07:30:18Z")
Lord of the Rings by a Japanese poet: Frodo’s haiku: One ring to destroy Why do I have to do it? Gandolf told me to Lord of the Rings by an Irish poet: Tordek’s Limrick I said they could have my axe. Yet, they never have any snacks. I qm short and am knave, I got thrown in a cave, And I were shorts in place of slacks. Lord of the Rings by a West Coast rapper: Sam’s Rap I swore to Gandolf that I would follow Frodo, We walked around abit, cause to Mordar we had to go To destroy the ring, the magical thing, and dark creatures it would bring. We got to an inn, and met Aragorn Frodo got scared, shuddered like a new born He put the ring on soon he was gone Aragorn got us a room, because he is the man ((man prononced in a jamaican accent)) The bunch of stuff happened, we’re now in books on your shelves Next thing we knew we were talking to elves We formed a fellowship of nine, we were feeling mighty fine, I would keep going but I am out of time. West Shire! That’s about it, When i finish the rap I post it [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=57) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=59)