# If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** middle-earth, books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 10, 2002, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679 "2002-10-10T14:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 60
**Author:** ![icescorpion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/0ea827/32.png) [@icescorpion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/icescorpion)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1182 "2003-01-12T23:58:54Z")
Here it is, by request, an excerpt from Homer’s “The Quest” Sing to me of the hobbit, Muse, the hobbit of courage and quests who through blackness and misfortune stumbled after he left his home. Many cities of men and elves he saw and learned their minds, many races of Middle Earth he met, homesick in the wilds, fighting to save his land and bring the Ring to death. Launch out on his story, Muse, daughter of Zeus, start from where you will - sing for our time too. When young Dawn with her rose-red fingers shown that morn Frodo sprang from his bed and dressed, on his well-furred hobbit feet he wore no sandals, but over his shoulder he slung his well-honed sword and stepped from his bedroom, michevious as Pan. After he had breakfasted once and once again, the singer Gandalf came to his hall for rest. Frodo welcomed him into his home, and bade his servant, the faithful Sam, to bathe the bard and bring him food, for Zeus does not look well on he that does not honor a guest. ## After he had fed himself and donned a robe of gray cloth, the wise Gandalf came before Frodo and said, “My host, you may not know me now, but once many years ago I fought along side your noble uncle when the Dragon Smaug roared in his gold-filled cave. On the journey the battle-place, the noble Bilbo found himself a ring of firey gold. Bejeweling himself with this, he found that, like the silent fogs of the shrewd warrior goddess he could hide himself from all men’s eyes. But now the maker of the ring has come at last and seeks to draw that ring back from this place so I implore you in the name of Zeus of the thunderbolts to keep it secret, keep it safe.” Eh, not bad I suppose. I pirated a lot of the first bit to get me going, and then I sort of got into the flow of over-descriptive verbosity. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Sejal\_Traurig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Sejal\_Traurig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sejal_Traurig)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1183 "2003-01-13T00:16:57Z")
No Terry Goodkind versions so far? ---
**Author:** ![Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolya_son_of_Kili_son_of_Thror)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1184 "2003-01-13T00:26:06Z")
Another Ian Fleming… As they sat down to Bombadil’s table, Baggins at last got a good look at the River Daughter. In the heat of the wood-burning stove, she had removed her shawl and unbuttoned the top of her simple cotton blouse, revealing a well-shaped cleavage and a tanned neck. “So, Baggins, let me see this Ring of yours!” Bombadil suddenly shouted with the hint of a smile, refocusing his attention; had the large man noticed his interest in Goldberry? More importantly, his host’s demand immediately brought the doubt back into Baggins’ mind: was Bombadil working for SMERSH? Was the confrontation he had been dreading about to occur? Baggins could hardly refuse the quest, in any event, and reluctantly handed the ring over. It seemed to grow larger in the larger man’s hand, but this was certainly the trick of the table candles’ flames, he thought. Bombadil placed the ring onto his finger, and to Baggins’ amazement, remained solid as the stout willow he had encountered earlier. As his host spat good-naturedly and handed him back the ring, Baggins was reassured. Additionally, he couldn’t help but admire Bombadil’s dry handshake. As his host excused himself to procure another log for the stove, Baggins saw his chance, and smacked the River Daughter’s girlish rump as she bent to refill his glass. The instantaneous cold splash of drink in his face surprised him. “I am not for you, Mr. Baggins, whatever you’re used to” Her eyes were sharp as her voice as she warned, “one more gesture like that, and I shall certainly tell Mr. Bombadil.” Baggins shuddered involuntarily, having no desire to land himself on the large man’s bad side. He wiped his face and returned his attention to the official matter at hand. ---
**Author:** ![Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolya_son_of_Kili_son_of_Thror)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1185 "2003-01-13T00:43:46Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by CKO1967 \* \*\*National Enquirer headline: **GOLLUM’S SHOCKING SECRET EXPOSED!** **Deranged Hobbit-Hater Was Once Hobbit Himself!** Genius! : ) ---
**Author:** ![CKO1967](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@CKO1967](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CKO1967)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1186 "2003-01-13T01:10:25Z")
Thanks. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![mocroidh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@mocroidh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mocroidh)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1187 "2003-01-13T01:16:54Z")
Stuck in Ol’ Mordor with You Well I don’t know why I came here tonight, I got the feeling that something ain’t right. I’m so scared that the Eye’s gonna stare, And I just got out of Shelob’s Lair. Orcs to the left of me, Nazgul to the right, Here I am, stuck in ol’ Mordor with you. Yes, I’m stuck in ol’ Mordor with you, And I’m wondering what it is I should do. It’s so hard to keep on bearing this ring, And I’m so tired I can’t finish this thing. Orcs to the left of me, Nazgul to the right, Here I am, stuck in ol’ Mordor with you. Well, we started out for Rivendell and Things didn’t go so very well, no. And now Gollum he comes crawling, Tries to grab the ring and says Precioussssssss, preciousssssss… Trying to make some sense of it all, But I can see it makes no sense at all. Can I make it? Well, I hope and I pray, That at Mount Doom I’ll throw it away. Orcs to the left of me, Nazgul to the right, Here I am, stuck in ol’ Mordor with you. Well, we started out from the Shire, Now the flames are getting higher, man. And the Fellowship is broken, and I wish that I was smoking Pipeweeeeed, pipweeeeeeed… Well I don’t know why I came here tonight, I got the feeling that something ain’t right. I’m so scared that the Eye’s gonna stare, And I just got out of Shelob’s Lair. Orcs to the left of me, Nazgul to the right, Here I am, stuck in ol’ Mordor with you. Yes, I’m stuck in ol’ Mordor with you. Stuck in ol’ Mordor with you… ---
**Author:** ![staroakyyz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@staroakyyz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/staroakyyz)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1188 "2003-01-13T01:42:36Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by ld\_barthel \* \*\*Great thread! \ While it is acceptable to use “One Ring” to refer strictly to the metal band, “GNU/One Ring” is the proper term to use when referring to the entire GNU Ring Operating System, consisting of the central ring, the networked rings and their associated powers. \>\>\>\>\>\> Is this where we get the term “Tolkien Ring” network? _sorry…coulldn’t resist_ Chris ---
**Author:** ![Legendre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Legendre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legendre)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1189 "2003-01-13T01:48:09Z")
Motion to Quiet Title in Chattels, specifically one piece of gold jewelry commonly known as “The One Ring”, owned originally and currently by Sauron, sovereign of Morder , by right of creation, then by the Lord Isildur by right of conquest, then the creature commonly known to the public as “gollum” by right of salvage under the maritime laws of the kingdom of Arnor, then to the Hobbit Bilbo Baggins by right of adverse possession, said possession having taken place over the course of twenty-years in an open and notorious manner without filling of legal complaint by aforesaid “gollum,” then by Frodo by right of inheritance, given in full fee simple free and clear of all prior claims and leins save an asserted easement claimed by those relations known as the “Sackville-Bagginses” which party asserts allegedly superior claims under the intestacy statutes of the Shire and which claims have yet to be determined by a court of competent jurisdiction, with an abortive and felonious attempt by the Prince Boromir to seize control of said Ring through armed robbery punishable under Gondorian Penal Code section 654.76 paragraph b, which Prince has since passed from the jurisdiction of the Courts of all known peoples due to the unlawful interference of several individuals classified as “Uruk Hai” (“The Orcs”), right and bonded servants of Sauruman, Lord of Orthanc and possessor in fee defeasible of the powers of Valinor, then finally to aforesaid creature “gollum” once again by right of conquest and hence, due to negligent construction of a volcanic ledge on the part of one Illuvatar, which negligent construction was responsible at least in part for the death of said “gollum” giving rise to wrongful death claims and the timely payment of weregild under the laws of Rohan and Dunland, into an open and hazardous nuisance (hereafter refferred to as “Fires of Mount Doom” or “Fires”) bordering on said negligently constructed ledge, whereby all prior claims, titles, and rights in said Ring were extinguished for the present and for all future time, notwithstanding accidents of nature or acts of Valar reconstituting said ring at any point or for any reason allowed by law. by Edwin Dewey, Esq. Dewey, Cheadem, & Howe LLP Attorneys for Defendant and Cross-Claimant Sauron, Lord of Mordor Preliminary Statement: This case involves a number of claims by the true and sovereign Lord of Mordor (“Sauron”) arising out of the nefarious and illegal acts perpetrated by a conspiracy of a number of elves, hobbits, dwarves, and men (hereinafter “the conspiring parties”) to terminate a longstanding and rightful possessary interest in that chattel commonly referred to in Westernesse as “The One Ring” . . . . ---
**Author:** ![Khassandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Khassandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khassandra)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1190 "2003-01-13T01:48:25Z")
This is the most wonderful hilarious thread! Thank you everybody! I haven’t yet savored every page, and this has probably been done, but here’s my try: [B[HALFLINGS WAKE\*\* riveranduinrun, past Elendil and Isildur’s, from swerve of Amon Hen shore to bend of Nen Hithoel, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Hobbit Central and Environs. Sir Aragorn, Arwens violer d’amores, fr’over the timesea, had passencore rearrived from the North Kindom on this side the scraggy borders of Fangorn Forest to wielderfight his penisolate war against SarSaurumon: nor had Emyn Muil’s rocks by the marshes Dead exaggerated themselse Shire’s hobbitses while they wnt halfling their rations all the time: nor avoice from a fireyeye bellowed mine mine to tsktsk thouartpreshus: not yet, though venisoon after rabbitkill in Ithilien, had a kidscad Meriadoc buttended a black old wraithking: not yet, though all’s fair in vanessy, were Samwise Gamgee wroth with twone SlinkerandStinker. Rot a pile of Wormtongue’s poison had Sandyman and son brewed by darknight and nary end to the raginbrouhaha was to be seen **ringsome** on the aquaface of galadriel’s mirror * * * (barely altered from original, because it seems so apt) Lament of **A** rwen **L** losttoelvenkind **P** rincess I thought you were all glittering with the noblest of carriage. You’re only mortalkin. I thought you the great in all things, in guilt and in glory. You’re but a puny dead. ElvenHome! My people were not their sort out beyond there so far as I can see. For all the bold and bad and bleak they are blamed, the sea-elves. No! Nor for all our wild dances in all their wild din. I can seen meself among them, arwen luthien poorundomiel. And the clash of our cries till we spring to be free. Arwen, they says, never heed of your name! But I’m loothing them that’s here and all I lothe. Loonely in me loneness. for all their faults. I am passing out. O bitter ending! I’ll slip away before they’re up. They’ll never see. Nor know. Nor miss me. And it’s old and old it’s sad and old it’s sad and weary I go back to you, my cold father… So. Avelaval. My mallorn leaves have drifted from me. All. But one clings still. I’ll bear it on me. To remind me of. Lif! So soft this morning ours, so dark this eve ours. Yes. If I seen him bearing down on me now under whitespread wings like he’s come from the the White Ships, I sink I’d die down over his feet, humbly dubly, only to washup. Yes, tid. There’s where. First. We pass through grass behush the bush to. Whish! A gull. Gulls. Far calls. Coming, far! End here. Us then. Aragorn, again! Take. Bussoftlhee mememormee! Till thousendsthee. Lps. The keys to. Given! A way a lone a last a loved a long the ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1191 "2003-01-13T02:20:11Z")
MEMORANDUM: TO: ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1192 "2003-01-13T02:33:56Z")
(oops) MEMORANDUM: ## TO: Edwin Dewey, Esq., Rivendell Office FROM: A\_A Dewey, Esq., Washington, DC Office DATE: Jan 12, 2003 RE: Sauron v. Baggins, et al. CONFIDENTIAL ATTORNEY WORK PRODUCT ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE Edwin, Did you even read the file? This firm represents the Baggins family! Now you’ve caused a huge conflict of interest! What are you doing representing SAURON? Who signed off on this? Was it IM Cheatem? Or did you just do this on your own? I have half a mind to come there and deal with you myself. Mother * * * MEMORANDUM ## TO: IM Cheatem, Esq., Rivendell Office FROM: A\_A Dewey, Esq., Washington, DC Office DATE: Jan 20, 2003 RE: Sauron v. Baggins, et al. - new development CONFIDENTIAL ATTORNEY WORK PRODUCT ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE Mr Cheatem: What are you people doing in that office? Do you even keep tabs on your associates any more? Not to mention the clients! Now I understand that Mr. Baggins has been arrested entering Mordor? And my son…my SON… has been engaged to represent Sauron??? And named the firm, causing a huge conflict of interest! Do I have to come down to Rivendell? I want weekly progress reports, and I expect to hear that this matter has been cleaned up forthwith! AA Dewey, Esq. ---
**Author:** ![Khassandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Khassandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khassandra)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1193 "2003-01-13T02:40:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Buck Mulligan \* > \*\*James Joyce > > Stately, plump Sam Gamgee descended from the rock lookout over Mordor to eat a morsel of stewrabbit and Guinness whilst the Gollumsmeagolstinker twisted and wept and said twelve Hail Marys. > > \*\* BuckMulligan, this was terrific! I remember exchanging a Joyce comment with you when you posted once on SurvivorBlows and then disappeared.–a Joyce-lover under a different username My Halflings Wake attempt bows in awe of LOTR Ulysses-in-a-paragraph. ---
**Author:** ![HBergeron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HBergeron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HBergeron)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1194 "2003-01-13T02:44:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RapierOne \* > \*\*Oh My God! > > PLEASE tell me that you have some experience speaking in legaleese and you aren’t making this up off the cuff. > > This is fantastic! I can’t wait until the Court renders it’s Judgement. > > The appeals process alone could go on for eons! > > -Rapier \*\* I have a modicum of experience with this kind of thing, though this is not my usual area of practice. My “opponent” demonstrates an enviable grasp of the issues (more than some lawyers I’ve dealt with on real cases) and no small ability as regards employing the law to his benefit, so I expect he’s got rather a lot. In any event, we’ve been doing a little of both - some of it’s quite real, some made up - but the fun of it has been to keep it as close to how this would really be “negotiated” as possible while still working with the plot. Dragging it out (without needing to make recourse to the appeals court) until Frodo gets to the Crack of Doom is, I suspect, his strategy. I’m still waiting to see how he deals with the wrinkle I tossed into the mix yesterday (a couple of plot points will help him if he sees them). I doubt that the patience of this board will hold out all that much longer, though, so “forever” is definitely out of teh question. ---
**Author:** ![Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolya_son_of_Kili_son_of_Thror)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1195 "2003-01-13T02:52:44Z")
To Mr. Frodo, my Employer with apologies to Sting Well, I tried before to tell him, that that ring would likely fell him, in Mor-dor And before I know what’s happ’nin that Gandalf says “you go with him” to Mor-do-o-or That errant little ring he has is magic He disappears when e’re he puts it on and even though our life from now is tragic it’ll be immortalized in song Black riders have been hounding for the thousand cake-less days since we first left And we haven’t even made it to the Prancing Pony Ale-House ye-e-e-t But that errant little ring he has is magic He disappears when e’re he puts it on Even though our life from now is tragic it’ll be immortalized in song I resolve to run back home a thousand times a day Ask Rose Cotton if she’ll marry me and return to bailing hay… But it’s then my conscience gets me 'Cause I’m bound to Mr. Frodo and I know Gandalf would hate me Must I always bite the bone That errant little ring he has is magic he disappears when e’re he puts it on and even though our life from now is tragic it’ll be immortalized in song That errant little ring he has is magic Maybe one dark day I’ll put it on Save my master from all that is tragic, go back to the Shire, plant some corn That errant little ring he has is magic… * * * thanks for indulging me on so many posts today and kudos to so much brilliant fun (Sylvia Plath, Joyce, Aristotle, Sam Kinison, The Beatles, Steeler’s Wheel…but whoever said that Peter Jackson had IMPROVED upon the original should gargle with some soap : ) ---
**Author:** ![Nikster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce7236/32.png) [@Nikster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nikster)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1196 "2003-01-13T02:57:16Z")
Kahlil Gibran: And then an elf, wearing a crown, said, Speak to us of the Rings of Power. And he answered saying: Your Rings of Power are not your Rings of Power. Rather, they are the yearning of the Dark Lord to have power over you. Ringless came all creatures into this World, and Ringless shall you all go, at that time when your years have all flowed from Future to Past, and your soul has chosen to no longer weave the silken cloth of your life. For the Rings of Power are like the flames that dance on the twigs and logs in your fires. They consume the wood that the flames may live, giving warmth to both the wood, and the setter of the fire. And for him that set the fire, this brings power and comfort, and for the wood that wears the fire, this brings destruction and death. And so, no log in your fire believes that it can control you by being set on fire, and so should none of you believe that you can control Sauron by wearing a Ring of Power. And then an old man, who owned a large stick, said, Speak to us of the One Ring. And he answered saying: The Rings of Power were all forges as part of the One Ring. Each Ring of Power seems to its wearer to be unique and all-powerful, but in truth, each is just a part of the alloy of the One. Just as the drops of rain that fall from the North Wind’s clouds washing the dust and cares from your bodies, stop not at your feet, but continue flowing, seeking the vast Ocean, that they mey meld, and be part of the Oneness from which they came, so each Ring of Power is always searching for the One Ring, that it may meld with it, and once more move with it, as water drops move with the the Oceans waves, and endure the empty, cold darkness of the Ocean’s deepest depths, where you can never go, not even in your loneliest dreams. And then a Ranger, who had ridden in from Ranging, said, Speak to us of interracial marriages. And he answered saying: Go for it, Arragorn. ---
**Author:** ![tanstaafl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@tanstaafl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanstaafl)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1197 "2003-01-13T03:13:29Z")
OK, I know someone has already done a Zelazny, but I couldn’t resist trying. Hopefully I’ve got some of the flavor here… * * * _Excerpted from **Nine Rings in Mordor** , with apologies to Roger Zelazny._ The hot ashes dropping from my pipe jerked me back to alertness and I swore quietly to avoid waking the Hobbits sharing the room with me. One of them, I think it was the one they called Merry, stirred but settled back down. Good. They had questions that I hadn’t thought of answers for yet. Puffing my pipe back into life, I silently crossed the room and snuck a peek out of the window at the Prancing Pony across the street. It peeked back at me, looking like every other tavern in every other town in which men had settled across Middle Earth. I watched carefully for a bit. No one saw me of course. I could have walked down the street in broad daylight and not attract much attention if I wanted to so keeping out of sight at night in the pouring rain which was now sweeping through Bree was a piece of cake. It suddenly struck me that every time something of import was about to occur it was always night time and raining. I supposed there was some correlation but there was enough else on my mind this evening to keep me from trying to figure it out. I turned from the window and examined the one named Frodo. He stirred fitfully in his sleep, and his hand gripped something tightly through the fabric of his shirt. Oh yes. I had more than enough on my mind. * * * It was all Gandalf’s fault, really. I was in the forests north of Rivendell preparing to stew some rabbits that had been careless enough to wander into my snares. It was beginning to rain and I was struggling to get a fire started when I heard a stealthy step behind me. Casually, I picked up another stick and took a step forward as if to toss it into my small fire then suddenly spun with my sword out and ready. “Very good, Aragorn!” said the bearded figure leaning on his staff at the edge of the small clearing. “But, shouldn’t you give the courtesy of finding out who your visitor is before attempting to run them through?” “Gandalf!” I cried, sheathing my sword and stepping forward to clasp his offered hand. “It is good to see you! How did you know where to find me?” “Elrond said you had gone hunting for a few days. I knew this glade was one of your favorite haunts so it was an obvious place to look.” “Elrond.” I said with some bitterness as I turned back to my fire. “He probably hopes a visit from an old friend will delay my return for a few days.” I tossed a handful of damp twigs onto the fire and watched them smolder ineffectually. “He doesn’t have to worry; I’ll keep my distance from there for a while.” “Arwen again?” he asked, walking around and squatting opposite the fire from me. “All fathers feel the same way about their daughters, whether they are 15 or 15 hundred years old. No man is ever good enough for their daughter.” I swore briefly in Elvish then added a few words of Dwarvish for effect. “That’s the problem.” I said. “No _man_ will ever be good enough for his daughter. Least of all me.” Gandalf smiled, taking out his pipe. “You do not give yourself enough credit, my friend.” he said. “You could be king, you know.” I stared at him as he said that. I call Gandalf my friend and Illuvitor knows there are few enough that I call by that term; too many of which I have helped bury. But he also knows of my heritage and of why I do not speak of it so it rankled me to have him bring it up. “I am no king.” I said, turning my attention back to the fire. Gandalf smiled again and, taking a draw from his pipe, blew the smoke upon the fire. Instantly it blazed up, nearly singing my eyebrows as I lept back. Neat trick, that. I had forgotten how much he liked playing with fire. “You didn’t come out here to talk about my romance problems.” I said, pulling out my own pipe and accepting the pouch of pipe-weed he offered. “What brings Gandalf to the edge of the Misty Mountains on an evening such as this?” “I have found the Ring.” he said, simply. I didn’t have a reply for that, so I finished packing my pipe and lit it from the fire. Old Toby, I noticed. Apparently he had been visiting the Shire again. I took a deep pull from my pipe and held the smoke for a moment, looking at him, before releasing it in a long stream. Though part of me wanted to deny it, another knew what he was trying to say. Plus, it was nighttime and raining, so something of import must be about to happen. “What ring.” I asked, perhaps too casually. “_The_ Ring.” he said, much more seriously. “The One Ring. Isuldur’s Bane.” I swore again, this time throwing in some more Dwarvish and adding an Orcish phrase or two as well. Great blasphemers, those Orcs. “Where?” I asked, and he told me of his discoveries in the Shire. How a simple Hobbit named Bilbo had found the Ring years ago and how it was now in the posession of his nephew, Frodo. I sighed. “So you want me to avoid the Shire too? Don’t worry. Maybe I’ll just head over to Mirkwood for a while. Say a decade or two.” “Oh no!” he said, startled. “I need your help. Frodo and his companion, Samwise Gamgee, will be arriving at the Prancing Pony in Bree in a few days. I need you to meet them there and escort them to Rivendell. I have business at Isengard and may not be able to make it back before they get there.” I stared at him for several seconds, certain that I had not heard him correctly. “Let me get this straight.” I said. “You want me, the descendant of Isuldur, to escort someone carrying the One Ring to Rivendell, the ruler of which is already angry with me for what he considers to be an inappropriate relationship with his daughter? What next? Should I take a brief stroll through Mordor while I’m at it?” “It may come to that.” he said. “The reason the Ring needs an escort is that the ruler of Mordor is also aware of its whereabouts. Even now the Nine are abroad and searching for it.” I started to swear again and suddenly realized that I was out of curses. Apparently it was time to start studying Orcish again. I had a feeling I was going to need to expand my vocabulary soon. ---
**Author:** ![Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolya_son_of_Kili_son_of_Thror)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1198 "2003-01-13T03:31:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by surferdave \* > \*\***THE TAMING OF SMÉAGOLIO > By William Shakespeare** > > \*\*NAZGÛLIO \*\* > Fair gangrel creature, and you my merry halfling, > That with your strange encounter much amazed me, > My name is call’d NAZGÛLIO; my dwelling Mordor; > And bound I am to the Black Gate; there to visit > My Master, which long I have not seen. > \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* > What is his name? > \*\*NAZGÛLIO \*\* > Saurontio, gentle sir. > \*\*SMÉAGOLIO \*\* > Happily we met; the happier for thy Master. > _Exit_ \*\* Fabulous stuff. Kahil Gibran, too–lovely. And Chaucer…ok, I hereby attempt to give up posting praises, there’s just too much amazing stuff to recognize, especially since I’m preaching to the choir… ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1199 "2003-01-13T03:36:23Z")
Someone requested Clive Cussler… Dirk Pitt rose to the top of the deep cave pond. He looked around and, spotting his friend, called out, “Radio the Admiral! Tell them to have Hiram ready to put some really weird hieroglyphics into the computer for analysis!” At his friend’s nod, Dirk continued, “I’m going back down, I have another hour of breathable air. There are some artifacts down here that I want to bring up, including a volcanic rock that looks for all the world like a finger wearing a ring! I’ll be back!” With that, he dove back into the clean cool water. ---
**Author:** ![Jonin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@Jonin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonin)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1200 "2003-01-13T03:40:24Z")
LOTR as a D&D game. You are Frodo. You set out on your quest. In your party is a level 20 ranger, a level 24 wizard, a level 15 dwarf, and a level 18 elf. RANDOM ENCOUNTER: 7,000,000 orcs attack. ---
**Author:** ![Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kolya\_son\_of\_Kili\_son\_of\_Thror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolya_son_of_Kili_son_of_Thror)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2003, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679/1201 "2003-01-13T03:41:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by amy\_attorney \* > \*\*Someone requested Clive Cussler… > > Dirk Pitt rose to the top of the deep cave pond. He looked around and, spotting his friend, called out, “Radio the Admiral! Tell them to have Hiram ready to put some really weird hieroglyphics into the computer for analysis!” At his friend’s nod, Dirk continued, “I’m going back down, I have another hour of breathable air. There are some artifacts down here that I want to bring up, including a volcanic rock that looks for all the world like a finger wearing a ring! I’ll be back!” > > With that, he dove back into the clean cool water. \*\* Crater Lake, Oregon, perhaps? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=59) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-someone-else/131679.md?page=61)