# If LOTR had been written by the Teeming Millions **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 11, 2003, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972 "2003-01-11T17:13:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/1 "2003-01-11T17:13:00Z")
_And before we start, yes, I know I’m going to regret starting this thread eventually, but what the hell. Let’s just try to keep it pleasant, okay?_ Gollum flapped his long slimy fingers desperately. “Where isssss it. It’ssss gone … my precioussssss.” He searched everywhere to no avail. “Hobbitses took it. Nasty hobbitses …with their nasty sharp knives.” Gollum began to sob pitifully, knowing that having been robbed of his “ring” he would never be able to completely satisfy a woman ever again. _The Lord of the Rings_ by Jack Dean Tyler ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/2 "2003-01-11T17:22:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eutychus \* > \*\*_I know I’m going to regret starting this thread eventually_ \*\* I’m regretting it _already._ ---
**Author:** ![hawthorne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@hawthorne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawthorne)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/3 "2003-01-11T17:32:10Z")
Brought a tear to my eye. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/4 "2003-01-11T18:01:58Z")
So what’s with this ring, already? Isn’t it just a way for the imperialist fascist capitalist elite to crush the masses through starvation and depraved indifference in their insane campaign to consolidate their own power and ensuring their ability to keep illiterate foreign children making designer Ranger Boots for 10 coppers a day? - _Imperialist Despot of the Rings_, by Chumpsky The ring is truly a transparent means of inserting quasi-mendacity of virtual counter-intelligence into the realm of the flirtation of suicidal thought. - _The Fortuitous Simplicity of Grandiose Virtual Ring Feriociousness_ by Justhink ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/5 "2003-01-11T18:32:14Z")
“The Ring rightfully belongs to Sauron” said Frodo with a bit of reluctance “Bilbo took the ring from Gollum by fraud (“What have I got in my pocket” isn’t a legitimate riddle), Gollum took it from Deagol by coersion, and ultimately the Ring was taken from Sauron by Isildur by force and it’s immoral to use force to deprive people of their rightful property. Maybe we should reconsider destroying it and return it to sauron…” Frodo’s voice trailed off. “Fool of a Baggins!” said Gandalf, eyes flashing, “Don’t you realize that Sauron uses the Rings to coerce people? Besides, he lost the Ring after he initiated force against his neighbors AND destroyed their property? The Ring was proper compensation for the damage Isildur suffered, so it’s rightfully his. Once he lost it, it should have gone to his heir.” “I see.” said Frodo. “It’s all clear to me now. Aragorn?” he said, turning to Isildur’s last descendant. “Don’t look at me” said Aragorn. “I already said I don’t want the damned thing. It’s yours.” “I wonder,” asked Boromir “if, before we do something rash, we could discuss the parallels between Gandalf’s insistance to destroy the Ring (which is _only_ a weapon, really) and his stance on magic-control? I firmly believe that the right to bear magic is the right to be free…” _- An Examination of the Ethical Implications of Ring-destruction in Light of Libertarian Principals_ by **Libertarian** Fenris PS: **Libertarian** , this is NOT meant as anything other than being playful. I enjoy and value our discussions about libertarianism…and other topics. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![jack\_ss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jack\_ss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_ss)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/6 "2003-01-11T18:55:19Z")
in **General Questions** : How does a Ring of Power make me invisible? and you know someone would ask for a cite. in **MPSIMS** : MORDOPE!!! and ring toss this February! in **The BBQ Pit** : @#&&\*!ing Hobbittses Stole my Precious!!! ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/7 "2003-01-11T22:35:03Z")
Gandalf: You have been warned about information concerning controlled substances. No more pipe-weed posts. Illegal activities are not supported by the Straight Dope. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/8 "2003-01-11T22:43:33Z")
Suppose you have a game show on which the first prize is a Ring of Power. The host (not of Mordor!) asks you to choose one of three doors. Behind two of them is something worthless like a broken sword (obviously not Narsil!). You choose a door (and prepare to say ‘Mellon’!). Assume the host knows what is behind each door. He opens another door, revealing a tree stump (bad Saruman!). Do you make another choice? - innumerable posters P.S. Why is abbreviated a long word? ---
**Author:** ![tanstaafl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@tanstaafl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanstaafl)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2003, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/9 "2003-01-11T23:01:52Z")
In the Pit, it would wind up looking something like this… [http://flyingmoose.org/tolksarc/theories/lotrrabt.htm](http://flyingmoose.org/tolksarc/theories/lotrrabt.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/10 "2003-01-12T00:01:10Z")
Gandalf: “The ring must be taken to Mordor and thrown into the fires of Mt. Dhoom. That is the only place it can be destroyed.” Everyone: “Cite?” ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/11 "2003-01-12T00:07:10Z")
You realize, of course, that this will soon devolve into a debate between Elves and Men as to who should control Middle Earth. Some hateful things will be said, and a 76 page, 55,051 posts, 13,009,986,374 views Pit thread will start because someone thought Nazgul was a racial slur. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/12 "2003-01-12T00:07:59Z")
Tolkien by **KayKay** In a hole there lived a Hobbit. And man, that was a real appropriate place for him to live, too! You otta’ see what that little dude could do with his…_BANNED/BANNED/BANNED_ ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/13 "2003-01-12T00:13:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Smeghead \* > \*\*Gandalf: “The ring must be taken to Mordor and thrown into the fires of Mt. Dhoom. That is the only place it can be destroyed.” > > Everyone: “Cite?” \*\* Blast it! Beaten out by 10 minutes! I could post a **Chumpsky** rant about evil Elvish oppressors of proletarian Orcs, but it ain’t worth it. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Wumpus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8c91f0/32.png) [@Wumpus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wumpus)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/14 "2003-01-12T00:30:47Z")
Newbie: So, I’ve got this bet with my brother–what’s the _other_ word that rhymes with “Isildur?” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/15 "2003-01-12T01:01:20Z")
_Cite my furry ass,_ thought Frodo, fingering the ring in his pocket. Gandalf hadn’t come right out and _said_ that the magic dingus would make him irresistable to women, but if he could get his hands into Minnie Amplebosom’s blouse he’d be halfway there. And who was to know how short something was if it were bloody invisible? He’s heard Sam the gardner talking about them at the pub. “Ample” was the word he used. “Like two coneys fighting under a blanket”. He’s best that son of a bitch. Besides, Sam might have an accident. Trip over an invisible ankle, or have his brains knocked out by an invisible single tree. Frodo was looking forward to the long expected party. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/16 "2003-01-12T01:23:59Z")
“But Gandalf,” gasped Frodo, “what shall I do with the ring?” Gandalf considered the young hobbit and informed him that he must return the ring from whence it was forged. “Where is that?” asked Frodo. To which Gandalf replied … "[http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00003CWT6/002-9218728-9630420?vi=glance](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00003CWT6/002-9218728-9630420?vi=glance) [http://www.lotr.com/index.jsp](http://www.lotr.com/index.jsp) [http://www.apple.com/trailers/newline/fellowship\_of\_the\_ring/](http://www.apple.com/trailers/newline/fellowship_of_the_ring/) [http://us.imdb.com/Title?0120737](http://us.imdb.com/Title?0120737) I hope that helps, young Frodo." – Duck Duck Goose. (somebody was going to do it) ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/17 "2003-01-12T01:37:19Z")
Seen in _Cafe Society_ “Has anybody read this?” \*\* Newbie\*\* Member Registered: January 2003 Location: Posts: 1 “A few years ago I read this story - a longish one that might’ve spanned a few books. It was about these elves and stuff that were out on this quest to either A. Return this ring to it’s rightful owner. or B. Destroy the ring (as I said, it’s been a while). I don’t remember much about the characters, but there was this dope-smoking hippie wizard in it. Does anybody know what book I’m talking about?” ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/18 "2003-01-12T01:41:06Z")
Look at this! 17 posts and already this thread is WAY off topic. look back at the OP, dammit! Mods, please move this thread to MPSIMS where they can talk about anything they want. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/19 "2003-01-12T01:47:16Z")
Hey! _Mine_ was on topic! Do I get a cookie or a coffee mug or something? ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2003, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972/20 "2003-01-12T02:00:31Z")
So. There was a ring. I had a ring one time, it was pretty and shiny and yellow. I gave it to Soupo to hold one day, and he gave it to Katcha, who promptly dropped it and it ended up being eaten by the dog. But there was a ring. It was powerful. I had a chainsaw that was powerful, but I will tell you that story later. The powerful ring made everyone very upset. I got upset the other day when the vanpool was late. I mean, I am never late for vanpool, but you never know what other people are up to in the mornings, when they’re supposed to be taking your kid to pre-school and instead they’re picking up their drycleaning. I worked for a drycleaner. I found a ring in the pocket one time. It was shiny. - **Rue de Day** [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-lotr-had-been-written-by-the-teeming-millions/147972.md?page=2)