# If real life was like t.v. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 21, 2000, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041 "2000-02-21T04:49:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Poto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ab992/32.png) [@Poto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poto)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2000, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/21 "2000-02-26T01:59:00Z")
t.v. ? I spell it TV. ---
**Author:** ![Poto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ab992/32.png) [@Poto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poto)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2000, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/22 "2000-02-26T02:02:00Z")
kids would go to bed when mom Brady tells them to ---
**Author:** ![Catrandom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@Catrandom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catrandom)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2000, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/23 "2000-02-26T03:43:00Z")
Male cops would look like cops, but female cops would look like models. There would only be five fat people in the whole world. People over 70 would be exceedingly rare, and would speak entirely in vaguely pornographic one-liners. Annoying character traits that should get one shunned by decent people would be treated as harmless foibles. In a corollary, you could take vicious cheap shots at all your friends and have your remarks met with no more than rolled eyes or a dirty look. Catrandom ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2000, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/24 "2000-02-26T21:49:00Z")
All children would be mouthy knowitalls who need to guide their inept parents. Everyone would be beautifully dressed and housed while never needing to actually work. No problem would take more than an hour at most to resolve. No problem would remain unsolved and no people left unreconciled. Police chasing suspects would wreck cars, smash into buildings and fire guns into crowds with no negative consequences. The few poor people around would either be criminals or so spiritually uplifted they solve problems for others and then drift tactfully away. Veb ---
**Author:** ![Disputin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/58956e/32.png) [@Disputin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Disputin)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2000, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/25 "2000-02-26T22:19:00Z")
> [@](#): > > You never take a shit. > You never take a piss. You never _give_ them, either. 😉 * * * **Disputin** , _The Debauched One_ 1 a archaic : to make disloyal b : to seduce from chastity 2 a : to lead away from virtue or excellence b : to corrupt by intemperance or sensuality ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/26 "2000-03-21T02:28:00Z")
Knock-out drugs take effect within **two seconds** of drinking (inhaling/being injected with) them. These drugs are apparently available at your neighborhood 7-11, because every two-bit crook has access to them (they’re on the same shelf as the bottle of ether & rags). ---
**Author:** ![Foggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foggy/32/1082_2.png) [@Foggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foggy)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/27 "2000-03-21T08:46:00Z")
You go into a book store or library looking for info on a subject you know nothing about, and right away you find the 1 or 2 books that tell you everything you need to know. If you seach the internet you will find in the first few links what you are looking for. You will NOT get: misdirected, a porn site, a broken link, or a site is down message. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/28 "2000-03-21T14:56:00Z")
Whenever you turn on your TV or radio, exactly the program or news item you want to hear comes on at that exact moment, starting at the begining and playing through without a commercial. Whenever the phone rings, you can pick it up either on the first ring or go through a mad scramble throughout your home trying to find it. When you do answer the phone, the person on the other end speaks so rapidly that you can respond in less time than it takes an ordinary person to get two words out. Whenever someone rings your doorbell, you are within a half-step of the door. No matter where you are in the house, the place you don’t need to go through more than one doorway to be anyplace else (unless you are scrambling around looking for the phone.) ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/29 "2000-03-21T14:57:00Z")
Well that last part was a bit scrambled, so let’s try this. Wherever you are in your home, you don’t need to go through more than one door to get to any other room. * * * I understand all the words, they just don’t make sense together like that. ---
**Author:** ![idiotboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@idiotboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/idiotboy)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/30 "2000-03-21T15:22:00Z")
If real life were like t.v… …I’d be walking around in spandex tights, big boots, and a bright red mask and matching cape, threatening anybody who looks oddly at me to a triple-threat match with me and the “Ungodly Bob” in the “Fiery Electrified Cage of Certain Doom and Peril!” …either that or I’d be the wierd guy that lives next door and comes over to borrow your toothbrush (_canned laughter_) ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/31 "2000-03-21T15:49:00Z")
[A list of general Movie Cliches](http://www.like.it/vertigo/cliches.html) Lazy today 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/32 "2000-03-21T17:55:00Z")
**FOUL!** SingleDad, you can’t play in my thread any more. ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/33 "2000-03-22T22:03:00Z")
Kramer would burst into my apartment every 10 minutes and I’d have a different beautiful girlfriend every week. * * * “My hovercraft is full of eels.” ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/34 "2000-03-22T22:24:00Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. The most virulent space aliens could be fended off with an ordinary CO² kitchen fire extinguisher. This doesn’t belong here. This is true in real life too. _Everyone_ knows that! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/35 "2000-03-22T23:55:00Z")
All your friends would pop in to your appartment (which, despite the fact that you live in a major metropolitan area, is never locked) 23 times a day and immediately walk over to the fridge to open a bottle of soda and start sipping away whilst yapping on and on about trivial things. You would be OK with this. The fridge would automatically keep up its stock of 100 different soda brands. When you look out of your window, there would ALWAYS be a beautiful woman in underwear/nekkid/workout gear in the oppostie appartment. After 2 or 3 hand signals, this woman would be your date for that evening. * * * **Coldfire** _Voted **Poster Most Likely To Post Drunk** _ * * * _ **"You know how complex women are"** _ - Neil Peart, **Rush** (1993) ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2000, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041/36 "2000-03-23T00:56:00Z")
And some [TV Cliches](http://www.geocities.com/john_s_brook/). My day to be lazy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-was-like-t-v/15041.md?page=1)