# If real life were more like Porn... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 13, 2001, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031 "2001-08-13T14:38:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/1 "2001-08-13T14:38:19Z")
I’d probably be having a lot more fun taking dicatation and I’m sure I’d have a better manicure. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/2 "2001-08-13T14:51:04Z")
I would have a cheesy soundtrack following me wherever I go. \ ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/3 "2001-08-13T14:54:53Z")
I’d be the innocent one walking in on situations all the time. [sub]I’ve never really watched any porn. I’m going by what I’ve read on the Board here![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![frobozz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ed8c4c/32.png) [@frobozz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/frobozz)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/4 "2001-08-13T14:57:21Z")
I’d order pizza a **lot** more often. ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/5 "2001-08-13T14:59:37Z")
I’d be worried about the fact that my neighbor is a divorcee and my hubsnad works at home… ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/6 "2001-08-13T15:00:01Z")
I’d go to the car wash every day. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/7 "2001-08-13T15:01:31Z")
Then _ChiDope_ would consist of me, **BunnyGirl** , **jarbabyj** , and all the other females in nothing but bouts of Dim Sum, tatooing/piercing, and sex. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/8 "2001-08-13T15:17:53Z")
I’d be getting stuck in elevators with hunky guys in business suits in elevators and I’d _never_ get out of the gym! ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/9 "2001-08-13T15:24:35Z")
Doctor and dentist appointments would be newly interesting, and getting your oil changed would take on fresh meaning… but maladies as rug-burn, exhaustion, and sperm aspiration would reach epidemic proportions. “Where is Jane today?” “She had to call in sick. She aspirated some sperm last night while trying buy groceries” “That’s too bad. Want to screw?” ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/10 "2001-08-13T15:28:48Z")
I’d be having a lot more lingerie parties, and there would be a lot more dildos under my couch. ---
**Author:** ![Tomcat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Tomcat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tomcat)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/11 "2001-08-13T15:29:21Z")
…every position would be comfortable, no matter how contorted. ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/12 "2001-08-13T15:29:39Z")
I’d probably be a drooling, useless heap of flesh on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/13 "2001-08-13T15:31:55Z")
I’d hang around the photocopier much more. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/14 "2001-08-13T15:33:31Z")
You’d be able to immediately identify lesbians by their perfectly toned bodies, long blonde hair, and talon-like long red fingernails. ---
**Author:** ![andrew\_dupont](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea666f/32.png) [@andrew\_dupont](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andrew_dupont)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/15 "2001-08-13T15:40:33Z")
Everyone would have tattoos and stale, over-rehearsed delivery of lines. ---
**Author:** ![Lightnin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightnin/32/180_2.png) [@Lightnin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightnin)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/16 "2001-08-13T16:11:00Z")
Screw making a decent wage. (poor choice of words there, given the topic) I’d go back to _delivering_ pizza. ---
**Author:** ![Sophie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/35a633/32.png) [@Sophie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sophie)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/17 "2001-08-13T16:14:33Z")
I would actually look forward to receiving the mail. ---
**Author:** ![Abe\_Babe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Abe\_Babe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe_Babe)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/18 "2001-08-13T16:17:40Z")
Everyone (women especially) would always have on one of two types of footwear: 5" strappy stiletto heels, or plain white gym socks. Oh yeah, I’d also invest all my savings in the companies that make those “butt floss” type thongs. ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/19 "2001-08-13T16:17:43Z")
One word: **fluffers!** ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/20 "2001-08-13T16:20:21Z")
I wouldn’t be able to achieve an erection unless there was a Satriani-esque guiter riff being played in the background. Also, I would never take my tennis socks off. And I would probably be helping jarbabyj out getting all those dildos in place. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031.md?page=2)