# If real life were more like Porn... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 13, 2001, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031 "2001-08-13T14:38:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/21 "2001-08-13T16:24:15Z")
Mariah Carey would have checked into the mental ward from extreme sexual exhaustion after an evening with me. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/22 "2001-08-13T16:29:00Z")
I wouldn’t get that cramp in my back until AFTER fourth ejaculation of the day. ---
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/23 "2001-08-13T16:36:24Z")
My breasts (which are, shall we say, on the large end) would not be even a _little_ saggy 🙂 Oh, and I’d have a revolving door installed at the entrance to my bedroom. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/24 "2001-08-13T16:45:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus \* > \*\*Mariah Carey would have checked into the mental ward from extreme sexual exhaustion after an evening with me. \*\* Well, I’m glad **you’re** the one jumping the grenade. Yikes. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/25 "2001-08-13T16:53:39Z")
Someone’s gotta take one for the team. Or give one. Also, if real life were more like porn, dopefests would be the drunken orgies they’re truly supposed to be. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/26 "2001-08-13T16:58:14Z")
Wha? You mean it’s not? Huh. You guys are missing out! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/27 "2001-08-13T17:09:14Z")
not GAY porn, thinks. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/28 "2001-08-13T17:23:56Z")
I would move every week. I don’t care where to, or where from… I’d just be hiring movers all the time. Also, the lighting would be much worse. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/29 "2001-08-13T17:42:09Z")
> [@](#): > > Someone’s gotta take one for the team. Or give one. > [@](#): > > not GAY porn You were saying? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/30 "2001-08-13T17:50:07Z")
HA! Coke. Out nose. ---
**Author:** ![NutWrench](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nutwrench/32/20193_2.png) [@NutWrench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NutWrench)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/31 "2001-08-13T17:52:37Z")
Don’t mind me, ladies. I’m just here to fix your plumbing. _\_ ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/32 "2001-08-13T17:59:29Z")
I’d actually get laid! 😃 [sub]ummmmmm… I mean I would get laid MORE of course[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Totoro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/33 "2001-08-13T18:18:37Z")
Oh man, I would masturbate so much more! Believe me, even if life WAS a porno… ---
**Author:** ![don\_Jaime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b4bc9f/32.png) [@don\_Jaime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_Jaime)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/34 "2001-08-13T18:27:44Z")
I’d still be the desk clerk, handing out keys to everyone else while stuck in a HOPELESS DEAD END JOB WITH NO LOVE AND NO HOPE OF EVER HAVING A FULFILLING MOMENT IN MY WHOLE M-F LIFE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait, that’s what life would be like if it was like a Sam Kinison routine. Sperm aspiration? Wha dat? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/35 "2001-08-13T18:35:52Z")
I would wake every morning with perfect hair and makeup, especially slick red lips and lots and lots of eyeliner mascara and false eyelashes. My manicure would always be perfect. I would wear a belly chain and an ankle bracelet at all times. My every day vaccuming the carpet outfit would consist of a sheer tank top 3 sizes too small, thong underwear and 5 inch heels with lace trimmed anklet socks. My hubby wouldn’t bat an eye if he came home and found me doing ALL the neighbors and vice versa. I would have all the coolest sex toys at my disposal, oh and never run out of batteries. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/36 "2001-08-13T18:40:41Z")
> [@](#): > > Sperm aspiration? Wha dat? Inhaling said substance. 'Nuff said. > [@](#): > > My hubby wouldn’t bat an eye if he came home and found me doing ALL the neighbors and vice versa. Well, shoot, what if I don’t like my neighbors? One sings along with Elvis and the other is a grad student. No thanks. Can I pick Dopers? 😃 Oh, and the shoes! Yeah, I’d finally find a use for those black, silk mules I’ve got. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/37 "2001-08-13T18:46:51Z")
Ron Jeremy would have never gotten laid - with all the sex around who’d want to bother with The Hedgehog? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/38 "2001-08-13T18:54:04Z")
Oh come on now–what about that hairy back? You know that shit is HOT! :shivers: ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/39 "2001-08-13T18:58:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BunnyGirl \* > **Can I pick Dopers? 😃 ]** Can I be one? ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/40 "2001-08-13T18:59:58Z")
No matter what you tried to say during sex (like “ouch” or “not there”) would be dubbed over as incoherent, impassioned moaning. Given the lack of communication, it would be impossible to teach any newcomers how to do it right, but it wouldn’t matter, because everyone would like it pretty much the same way. And the pregnancy rate would drop dramatically, because men would always prefer to pull out and dribble sperm on the woman’s body rather than come inside her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031.md?page=3)