# If real life were more like Porn... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 13, 2001, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031 "2001-08-13T14:38:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![CnoteChris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/278dde/32.png) [@CnoteChris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CnoteChris)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/41 "2001-08-13T19:16:09Z")
I’d actually enjoy going in for a job interview. And explaining my qualifications would be a breeze ::ZZZZZIP::. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/42 "2001-08-13T19:34:07Z")
Clairol’s hair care division suffers, their market share hit by the proliferation of ‘leave-in conditioner’ ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/43 "2001-08-13T19:37:41Z")
> [@](#): > > Can I be one? :o :coy smile: ---
**Author:** ![Dragonblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/44 "2001-08-13T19:53:01Z")
I would be amazingly hot, on account of my being bisexual, I would never ever ever be aloud to take off my heels no matter what/who I’m doing, my four roommates would be _much_ more fun 😉 , French class would be utterly fascinating … … pregnancy rates around the world would plummet as a result of semen being habitually deposited on the face rather than elsewhere … everyone would make guitar faces during sex no matter what sound they’re making, Spice Channel would cut minutes out of our life here and there, and man oh MAN would I be sunburned. Oh, and I’d save a fortune on undies. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/45 "2001-08-13T19:59:38Z")
The pregnancy rate would drop down to almost zero, with every guy pulling out at the last minute. Forget dot-coms, tech stocks and big oil. The stock to own is that of companies making black laquer furniture! Every woman in Japan would dress like a schoolgirl. Rope would be the country’s largest export, followed by penlight-sized vibrators. As for my luck, I’d probably end up delivering pizza to Mistress Javelina’s house, and getting my you-know-what naled to a 2x4. Sigh. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/46 "2001-08-13T20:08:05Z")
coxing the men’s rowing team at university would be a LOT more fun than it is at the moment. can you say 8 hot n’ hard teenage gym bunnies? ---
**Author:** ![everton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecb155/32.png) [@everton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/everton)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/47 "2001-08-13T20:23:05Z")
My Czech girlfriend would have only one name, my Hungarian girlfriend would have a French name, and my German girlfriend would have an English name. When I spoke, my Italian words would sound English and there would be Dutch subtitles popping up at ankle level all the time. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/48 "2001-08-13T20:25:11Z")
I could say out loud all the awful, sexist, bordering on offensive stuff I currently only think to myself when I see attractive women and I would actually get laid instead of smacked afterward! Plus, there would be a lot of close-ups of my face making Nigel Tufnel impressions. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/49 "2001-08-13T20:46:59Z")
My penis would be smaller. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazing_Magic-Gro_Monster)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/50 "2001-08-13T20:58:28Z")
A big, curly white-guy 'fro, polyester shirt unbuttoned to my navel with lapels _out to here_, some vaguely zodiac-y gold pendants, flared blue denim trousers with a crease ironed in, multi-toned fruitwood platform shoes… But enough about me now. If I was in porn I’d probably have a cheesy moustache too. ---
**Author:** ![Montfort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Montfort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Montfort)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/51 "2001-08-13T21:04:16Z")
I’d have more than one hot Swedish babe after me. [sub]And I guess my sig would be “Ohhhhhhhhh yes!” – Anniz[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/52 "2001-08-13T21:07:05Z")
I’d have my pubic hair shaved into a perfect landing strip. I would have had a way out of that last speeding ticket. The (neighbor’s) pool boy would be a teenage hunk, rather than the aging toad he in fact is. I’d move all the time, too. Good suggestion. Mmmm… movers… Any woman who had a car break down at the side of the road would summon help by bending over the fender, with her head under the hood and her ass out in traffic. Payment for repairs would take place right then and there. There would be a lot more leather shops around. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/53 "2001-08-13T21:31:13Z")
…going to work would be a **lot** more fun! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cleophus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e57/32.png) [@Cleophus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cleophus)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/54 "2001-08-13T21:44:43Z")
I would be getting laid with alarming frequency. Every time an attractive customer needed to check out their purchases. Oh, and since life is now more porn-like, most, if not all, customers would now fall under the “attractive” category. ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/55 "2001-08-14T01:14:36Z")
Of course, on the down side, I’d know about half the words I do now, and would converse with significantly reduced frequency and fluency. “Did you order this pizza.” “Yeah. How much is it?” “How big is the tip gonna be?” _Bow chikka bow chikka chikka bow bow…_ ---
**Author:** ![Fairy\_Princess\_Kitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Fairy\_Princess\_Kitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fairy_Princess_Kitty)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/56 "2001-08-14T02:00:37Z")
All my teachers would be amazingly hot and somehow doing extra credit or that “special project” after school would be a lot more fun. Kitty ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/57 "2001-08-14T02:02:36Z")
Brian wouldn’t have been at home when I came over this evening to pick up the tent and you would have _thanked_ me for giving you that air conditioner… …or you would have insisted that we set up the tent to make sure it works…and I’d be lying in it… ok, gotta go take a cold shower right now… ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/58 "2001-08-14T02:40:10Z")
I wouldn’t ever have sex…'cuz I’d be too busy watching all the suddenly-hot-and-bisexual women having sex with each other 😃 … [sub]Well…maybe I would join in once in a while…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![fenrir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/43a26b/32.png) [@fenrir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fenrir)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/59 "2001-08-14T02:47:23Z")
Than i really would be “The Carpenter of Love” ---
**Author:** ![Kittie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@Kittie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kittie)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/60 "2001-08-14T06:26:45Z")
I’d have my own personal bitch who was _amazing_ in bed, wanted me all the time and always be up for a quickie… Hey…wait…real life is like porn! 😃 ~Kittie [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031.md?page=4)