# If real life were more like Porn... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 13, 2001, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031 "2001-08-13T14:38:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![frock75](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@frock75](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/frock75)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/61 "2001-08-14T06:42:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*Ron Jeremy would have never gotten laid - with all the sex around who’d want to bother with The Hedgehog? \*\* RON JEREMY FOR PRESIDENT!!! ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/62 "2001-08-14T08:24:13Z")
I’d leave my doors and windows unlocked at ALL TIMES. My boyfriend would be more interested in letting me tie him up. Giving head would be just _so much fun!_ My boyfriend would last through 5 ejaculations and still manage to give me the best orgasm of my life, of course, until the next time we had sex. Having sex on a hard formica countertop would be the most comfortable position ever invented. Cheesy music would begin as soon as someone initiates foreplay. _boom chicka mow-wow…boom boom boom…chicka mow-wow…_ Sorry, I’ve been waiting forever to imitate porn music :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/63 "2001-08-14T10:57:08Z")
… I’d be in a badly decorated suburban bedroom with some idiot bozo crouched next to me with a camera, and another idiot bozo wanking off and delivering constant directions: “Tansu, could you wiggle your bum a bit more” “Tansu, could you rub your hands over your breasts” “Tansu, could you lick his cock?” I saw this ‘documentary’ about amateur suburban porn makers, you see. ---
**Author:** ![Mort\_Furd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mort\_Furd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mort_Furd)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/64 "2001-08-14T11:48:40Z")
Yep. Tansu has hit the problem on the head. Never a moment’s peace. Always some yahoo with a camera, lights, and a microphone trying to get me to move over a little so the camera can record the action. You absolutely HAVE to have sex with every one you encounter. Aww, gee. I just did the twenty five bitches at the beach. Do I have to do the ten chicks at the laundromat too? I’d have a real problem, though. Women have told me that they wouldn’t have had sex with me if I were hung any bigger. Since everything gets exagerated in the pornos, I’d be the guy with the three foot dick who has to get four or five girls working on him at once just to have a good wank. Never mind a fuck - it’d literally come out in her throat, and the orgasm would blow the top of her head off. No fun at all, and very messy. Oh, yeah. We’d all turn into perverted old fucks after a few years. Too jaded to have fun with normal sex, we’d all turn to pliers and clothes pins and whips and chains and glowing cigarettes to get our jollies. EEEWWW! ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/65 "2001-08-14T12:02:52Z")
I’m a perverted old fuck now? ---
**Author:** ![Mort\_Furd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mort\_Furd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mort_Furd)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/66 "2001-08-14T12:08:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Francesca \* > \*\*I’m a perverted old fuck now? \*\* How would I know? Tell you what. I’ll come visit you, and we’ll do all the things you like to do. Then I’ll tell you if you are a perverted old fuck. Is it a deal? ---
**Author:** ![Moonshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@Moonshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonshine)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/67 "2001-08-14T12:15:13Z")
Yeah, but what if life was like a German porn film; all the men would have beerguts and moustaches and wear sandals all the time. Yikes. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/68 "2001-08-14T13:27:47Z")
If real life was like a porn film… I still wouldn’t be getting any. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/69 "2001-08-14T13:57:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Moonshine \* > \*\*Yeah, but what if life was like a German porn film; all the men would have beerguts and moustaches and wear sandals all the time. Yikes. \*\* not the German porn I’ve got baby. If life were more like porn, I’m pretty sure I’d just pick up and MOVE to Germany, but I think we all knew that. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/70 "2001-08-14T14:39:52Z")
one word: interns ---
**Author:** ![El\_Zagna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@El\_Zagna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Zagna)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/71 "2001-08-14T15:02:48Z")
So… we all seem to be in agreement. Life would be so much better. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/72 "2001-08-14T15:08:41Z")
if not stickier ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/73 "2001-08-14T16:35:25Z")
When people asked “Is that a toothpaste stain?” you’d say “Oh, god no. It’s just sperm.” All women would eventually get implants. There would be almost no violence, ever. Gay men would all be out of the closet, mainly by necessity, since only gay men would be physically attractive. All women could orgasm from vaginal sex. ---
**Author:** ![Fiddle\_Peghead](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddle_peghead/32/3506_2.png) [@Fiddle\_Peghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiddle_Peghead)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/74 "2001-08-14T16:42:19Z")
I’d be having a lot less sex than I do now. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/75 "2001-08-14T17:13:41Z")
Well, there are varying qualities and different types of porn (I am told). What kind are we talking about, anyway? If we are going to be mixing it up, please let me know so that I can hide in my attic during ‘testicular bondage Tuesday’ or ‘Wednesday morning water sports’. ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/76 "2001-08-14T21:13:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Waverly \* > testicular bondage **Band name!** ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/77 "2001-08-14T22:45:30Z")
i’d be typing this in the nude…and uh oh, is that the doorbell? yup, it’s my pizza… gotta go and give him his tip. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/78 "2001-08-14T23:06:54Z")
[http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2001/05/08porn.html](http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2001/05/08porn.html) This would be recited before baseball and football games. ---
**Author:** ![obfusciatrist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4af34b/32.png) [@obfusciatrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/obfusciatrist)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/79 "2001-08-14T23:54:20Z")
If life were like a porno, I would be able to fast-forward past the parts where women talk! (Not saying that I would, not saying that I condone such mysogyny, just saying that I _could_). ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031/80 "2001-08-15T00:31:47Z")
… I would feel much, _much_ more enthused about getting up in the morning and going to work. I would also clean swimming pools for a living. And I would never really kiss a woman, just flick tongues against one another’s rapidly in a bizarre way. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/76031.md?page=5)