# If something unexpected and violent happens at your workplace, are you obliged to tell your SO? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 6, 2015, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729 "2015-10-06T16:43:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2015, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/21 "2015-10-06T19:49:32Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Say I discover I am dying of cancer. Have I the right to keep that from my wife? I would say you do. I sure as hell wouldn’t do it (not my style), but I could see valid reasons for not wanting to say anything/not be a bother. I’m reasonably certain that’s what my uncle did when we finally found out two years ago he had Stage IV cancer (he passed away a couple weeks ago.) ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2015, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/22 "2015-10-06T19:51:22Z")
Rick, as described, enters the scene with his panties pre-bunched, which IMHO is a passive-aggressive stance. He is already established as dis-satisfied. Had he not been so established, I am sure Amy would have gladly shared her very-bad-day. But, instead, she was denied the opportunity to do so by having a panties-pre-bunched passive-aggressive dis-satisfied partner. I don’t see Rick as accepting Amy as an equal, or giving her “agency”. He made this bed, and now he is stuck in it. ---
**Author:** ![tullsterx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tullsterx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tullsterx)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2015, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/23 "2015-10-06T19:52:49Z")
I think Rick is showing a little lack of respect and trust of Amy, by fearing that she can’t handle the job. But, it’s mostly understandable. I guess she could do a better job of communicating this to Rick and telling him “look, this is my job, and I know what I’m doing. Respect that. I don’t need you to fear for my safety.” If they had that foundation built then maybe she wouldn’t feel like she can’t tell him about violent incidents at work. So, it both of them. Or their communication issue. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2015, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/24 "2015-10-06T20:12:52Z")
I side more with Rick. Amy is a grown-ass woman but she’s a grown-ass woman in a relationship and co-parenting a child and that means that you give up some of your “But I’m a grown-ass person!” autonomy. Rick doesn’t get to decide her career for her but she’s wrong in withholding information she knows would be important to him and, while he doesn’t get fiat to veto her job, he does get to have a legitimate opinion of it and Amy should acknowledge that. I’d feel the same if the genders were reversed. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 9:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/25 "2015-10-07T09:58:51Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Say I discover I am dying of cancer. Have I the right to keep that from my wife? Yes, you have the right. It wouldn’t be the _best_ exercise of that right, IMO, but I believe you absolutely have that right. It would be different if you had a contagious disease, then I’d argue you no longer have the right. But something like cancer, yes, you don’t _have_ to disclose it. I might feel a little different about the OP situation if Rick wasn’t claiming entitlement, and just expressing disappointment. As it is, though, he has no moral right. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/26 "2015-10-07T11:32:09Z")
Amy should have told Rick. Or at least not acted like a teenager when he asked why she did not tell him. “You don’t get to control me”. It’s disrespectful, especially since he found out from a workmate. The cancer example is also a bad one. Cancer often means large medical bills (whether related to treatment or collaterals reasons), reduction in quality of life, ability to work, life expectancy etc, all of which affect your partner immensely, and will have a bearing on his/her future. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/27 "2015-10-07T12:12:53Z")
I don’t know if it’s about “rights”, but I think Rick’s feelings of aggrievement (is that a word?) are legitimate, and if Amy is dismissing his feelings that’s inappropriate, in my view. Perhaps there’s a better way to express it, something like this: Rick: I feel wronged, because I feel like I’m a big enough part of your life that you’d want to share anything significant that happened to you, especially if there was a risk of harm to you. I would certainly share something like that with you. Amy: Okay, I understand how you feel. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry about my safety, when I feel perfectly safe at work and this was not a normal occurrence. ---
**Author:** ![brovolone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@brovolone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brovolone)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/28 "2015-10-07T12:38:27Z")
I voted they’re both equally wrong. But the person who is wrong here the most is the co-worker who spoke to Rick. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/29 "2015-10-07T12:45:59Z")
In the hypothetical, they’re both equally wrong. Failures of communication and expectation on both sides. I recommend counseling. Or rough make-up sex. In real life, I work with my wife, and as a manager and one of the few burly adult males in a place otherwise full of female nurses, I’d probably be one of the first people on the scene anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/30 "2015-10-07T13:35:13Z")
I don’t know. When I choose to share my life with someone, that pretty much means everything major at the least. Amy should have told Rick. I get being annoyed at the constant worry, but then again I am also with a worrier. You either like that kind of personality or you don’t. We argue about it sometimes, but we’ve been together too long and we’re used to it now. I think Amy should have told. Communication really is key. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/31 "2015-10-07T13:58:54Z")
I voted for Rick isn’t completely right, but more right. Really, though, it’s not a zero-sum issue, because they both made mistakes, I think a better way of putting it is that they’re both wrong, just Amy is slightly more wrong than he is. Rick’s worrying about her job, up until that incident, is overblown. If she’s been doing it longer than she’s known him and nothing like that had happened before, then he really doesn’t have any basis for the concern. After all, a violent incident like that could, in theory, happen pretty much anywhere. For instance, a high school teacher might get drawn into two kids fighting, or worse. Or working in retail might get involved with a crazed customer. Admittedly, the risk of that is probably somewhat higher working with the mentally ill, but if he respects her, he needs to trust her judgment and let her make her own decisions. Amy, on the other hand, while completely justified in maintaining her job, particularly if she enjoys it or finds it fulfilling, has made a breach of trust here. If a major incident like that, particularly since it hadn’t happened before. Understandably, she’s concerned about how he might react, but if she’s made a choice to share her life with him and wants to continue that, then she needs to share that information. Yes, it has the unfortunate effect of likely making him upset, and it did, but it was magnified by the fact that she attempted to hide it. Personally, I put more weight as an incorrect choice on Amy because it has the chance to plant a seed in Rick that if she’s hiding that, what else may she be hiding? Worse, when confronted about it, she doubled down on it rather than realizing she was wrong to hide it. Rick’s over-protectiveness isn’t good, but there’s no deceit involved, and it seems more a difference in their assessments of and willing to accept risk. His wrongness isn’t in the difference in risk assessment, but in not letting it go after he’s made his case, she’d made her choice, and he accepted it as part of the ongoing relationship. Frankly, they should get some counseling quick to put an end to that dispute about her job and this potential seed of distrust or it could unravel their relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/32 "2015-10-07T14:00:14Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > I side more with Rick. Amy is a grown-ass woman but she’s a grown-ass woman in a relationship and co-parenting a child and that means that you give up some of your “But I’m a grown-ass person!” autonomy. Rick doesn’t get to decide her career for her but she’s wrong in withholding information she knows would be important to him and, while he doesn’t get fiat to veto her job, he does get to have a legitimate opinion of it and Amy should acknowledge that. > > I’d feel the same if the genders were reversed. I feel the same. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/33 "2015-10-07T14:52:23Z")
I said Amy is more right, I wish I could change my vote to all right. Telling Rick about the incident would’ve generated a futile fight. He’d complain, _again_ about her job, and how he doesn’t want her to do what she’s dedicated her life. He would make the wholly false assertion that she owes it to him or their child to derail her career, suggesting that it’s for her safety. In fact, it isn’t about her safety. It’s about **him** and his personal satisfaction that what’ belongs to him is secured according to his desires, her satisfaction, goals and desires be damned. Amy is not obligated to give Rick yet another occasion to make inappropriate and selfish demands that she unmake an important part of her life. If Rick doesn’t like what she faces from day to day, he can talk that out with a counselor to get some coping strategies, or he can leave. Being in a relationship doesn’t give him the right to demand that she change. Not even when they share a child. Not if they shared ten children. Her life is still her own. She shares some of it with Rick, she hasn’t ceded her autonomy to him. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/34 "2015-10-07T15:25:04Z")
As a married man, there is one thing I know for sure: I’m wrong. ---
**Author:** ![slash2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@slash2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slash2k)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/35 "2015-10-07T15:40:26Z")
If Amy thought she could have relied upon Rick to support her, to be an understanding confidante, she would not have made the choice she did. The fact that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough with him points to some major communication issues preexisting this particular situation. Who’s “right” or “wrong” depends mostly on why she feels that way, and what has led to her not being able to trust Rick to support her. The fact that she automatically lashes out with the “you’re trying to control me” line means that 1) she’s very insecure, and/or 2) Rick’s been a real ass in the past. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/36 "2015-10-07T15:44:00Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > As a married man, there is one thing I know for sure: > > I’m wrong. :rolleyes: God, I hate this attitude. This is insulting to both women and to men. Trust me I have been wrong plenty of times in my 20 years with my other half. If I am tbh 100% honest I probably have been wrong more; he has always been more mature and responsible than me. And I can tell you that I have told him many times I was sorry, I was wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Small\_Hen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ad7895/32.png) [@Small\_Hen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Small_Hen)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/37 "2015-10-07T15:58:33Z")
> [@tumbleddown](#): > > I said Amy is more right, I wish I could change my vote to all right. > > Telling Rick about the incident would’ve generated a futile fight. He’d complain, _again_ about her job, and how he doesn’t want her to do what she’s dedicated her life. He would make the wholly false assertion that she owes it to him or their child to derail her career, suggesting that it’s for her safety. In fact, it isn’t about her safety. It’s about **him** and his personal satisfaction that what’ belongs to him is secured according to his desires, her satisfaction, goals and desires be damned. > > Amy is not obligated to give Rick yet another occasion to make inappropriate and selfish demands that she unmake an important part of her life. If Rick doesn’t like what she faces from day to day, he can talk that out with a counselor to get some coping strategies, or he can leave. Being in a relationship doesn’t give him the right to demand that she change. Not even when they share a child. Not if they shared ten children. Her life is still her own. She shares some of it with Rick, she hasn’t ceded her autonomy to him. I feel somewhat similarly. I think Amy was a little bit wrong to hide the situation from Rick, but mostly because she was dodging an opportunity to work on a problem in their relationship. However, that problem belongs to Rick. I have a real bug up my butt when it comes to men who want to wrap women in bubble wrap like delicate china. Amy’s job is not very dangerous. It’s no more dangerous than Rick’s job. Rick might need to up and face that he has some anxiety issues, and possibly some outdated ideas about women, and it could be very helpful to him and to Amy if he’d worked on them. Now, perhaps Rick doesn’t want to work on his issues. Then I can’t say I blame Amy at all for hiding things from him. If Amy’s job is a serious source of tension for them, then the solution is not for Amy to trigger a fight with Rick, and it’s not for Amy to leave her job. It’s for Rick to work on his attitude. The ball’s in his court. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/38 "2015-10-07T16:01:15Z")
The thing is, Rick wasn’t pissed because Amy was in a bad spot at work, and while he might indeed be trying to tell her where to work that wasn’t what this specific interaction was about. It was about her not telling him, and I would be FURIOUS if my husband didn’t tell me something dangerous and violent that happened at his workplace. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2015, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/39 "2015-10-07T18:58:22Z")
This strikes me as the sort of situation where, for either party, “being right” is the wrong goal. ---
**Author:** ![TheSpeculationElucidation](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@TheSpeculationElucidation](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheSpeculationElucidation)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2015, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/40 "2015-10-08T07:07:21Z")
> [@ddsun](#): > > They are life partners. She concealed something important to him because she didn’t trust him to be able to handle the news. She didn’t feel like dealing with a possibly awkward conversation, and she got busted. Now Rick has more fears about her job AND he doesn’t know if he can trust her. > > She should have told him when it happened. It was scary (it’s scary when people lose their shit), but he should be proud of how well she handled everything. No one got hurt, the patient has been moved, we’re all good. In theory, maybe he feels a little better about her job, maybe. He knows he can trust her. > > Now, though, Amy’s got ground to make up, and it’s going to take time. She messed this one up. ^ Agreed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729.md?page=3)