# If something unexpected and violent happens at your workplace, are you obliged to tell your SO? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 6, 2015, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729 "2015-10-06T16:43:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2015, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/41 "2015-10-08T08:06:47Z")
She’s wrong, she should have told Rick, and she acted crazy when he brought it up. He has to get out of the relationship now. Her reaction wasn’t a one time thing, she’s done that plenty of times in life when she was caught at something. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2015, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/42 "2015-10-08T12:56:54Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > :rolleyes: God, I hate this attitude. This is insulting to both women and to men. Trust me I have been wrong plenty of times in my 20 years with my other half. If I am tbh 100% honest I probably have been wrong more; he has always been more mature and responsible than me. And I can tell you that I have told him many times I was sorry, I was wrong. Need a bandage for that exposed nerve? It was a joke, and an old one at that. One doesn’t stay married for 26 years by always taking the blame. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2015, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/43 "2015-10-08T13:17:10Z")
To all those talking about sexist attitudes, I don’t think that that’s part of Rick’s motivation at all. He’s not trying to protect Amy because she’s female; he’s trying to protect her because he loves her. God knows there have been plenty of examples in history going the other way, with a husband who works in a dangerous job, and a wife who’s always fretting about his safety. In fact, there are probably more examples of that than about the husband fretting about the wife. Does that mean that women think that men are delicate china and need to be bubble-wrapped? ---
**Author:** ![Small\_Hen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ad7895/32.png) [@Small\_Hen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Small_Hen)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2015, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/44 "2015-10-08T22:43:58Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > To all those talking about sexist attitudes, I don’t think that that’s part of Rick’s motivation at all. He’s not trying to protect Amy because she’s female; he’s trying to protect her because he loves her. God knows there have been plenty of examples in history going the other way, with a husband who works in a dangerous job, and a wife who’s always fretting about his safety. In fact, there are probably more examples of that than about the husband fretting about the wife. Does that mean that women think that men are delicate china and need to be bubble-wrapped? Amy’s job is not dangerous. It’s very similar to Rick’s own job, in terms of danger. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2015, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/45 "2015-10-08T23:50:20Z")
I would expect to be told if something happened at my wife’s workplace, and I’d tell her if something happened at mine. It’s not about control or anything like that, it’s just that what affects my wife affects me, and what affects me affects her. So we talk about stuff like “Wow, babe, we almost parted due to death and stuff”. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2015, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/46 "2015-10-09T01:55:27Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Where is the cake? I want cake! Maybe you can sneak some of Amy’s cookies that Rick brought while she’s still miffed at him, and not paying attention quite so closely. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2015, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/47 "2015-10-09T02:04:34Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > As a married man, there is one thing I know for sure: > > I’m wrong. > [@Anaamika](#): > > :rolleyes: God, I hate this attitude. This is insulting to both women and to men. Innsulting, yes. But I sense that in **Doctor Jackson** ’s case, it’s not so much an “attitude” as a “worn-out joke.” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2015, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/48 "2015-10-09T02:30:57Z")
I still haven’t decided how to vote. I keep thinking about the scene in _Patch Adams_ where Patch finds out his girlfriend got murdered, though. ---
**Author:** ![Interrobang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/interrobang/32/17463_2.png) [@Interrobang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Interrobang)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2015, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/49 "2015-10-09T22:00:25Z")
Without reading other responses: Rick needs to deal with his own worries and not expect Amy to change her job to suit him. Discussing it is fine, dwelling on it once a decision has been made is not fine. That said, Rick is right that Amy should’ve shared that info with him. The fact that she deliberately withheld that info, in fact, demonstrates that she knows that he had a right to know that info. Of course, if Rick had demonstrated that he could have a rational discussion about this, she’d probably be fine with telling him. So: I think he deserves that information, because it’s something important that happened to his partner, but NOT because he gets another talking point to haul out when he argues with her about this again. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2015, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/50 "2015-10-09T22:18:21Z")
> [@Interrobang](#): > > The fact that she deliberately withheld that info, in fact, demonstrates that she knows that he had a right to know that info. Maybe your following sentence was why Amy didn’t tell him. > [@](#): > > Of course, if Rick had demonstrated that he could have a rational discussion about this, she’d probably be fine with telling him. If she knew Rick couldn’t handle it and it would just cause more tension and arguments then there is no point to telling Rick as he would just flip his shit, like he did. Rick is a dick. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2015, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/51 "2015-10-09T22:46:26Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > Maybe your following sentence was why Amy didn’t tell him. Based on her actions I don’t think Rick is the one who can’t have a rational discussion about the subject. Her behavior is following a clear pattern, I feel very sorry for Rick. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2015, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/52 "2015-10-09T23:32:19Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > This strikes me as the sort of situation where, for either party, “being right” is the wrong goal. Yup. Rick has to trust Amy that she can take care of herself, is doing what she wants and is not in an extreme threat environment, and that she has heard and understood how he feels. Amy has to recognize Rick’s worry is legit WRT the well being of his lifepartner and co-parent and not view it as a control issue, and trust that he has heard and understood how she feels. Amy should have been able to inform Rick in a manner that assures things are under control even if it makes him a bit uncomfortable. Rick should have provided Amy with the opening to do that without himself getting worked up. The co-worker has to find other matters on which to make small talk. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2015, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/53 "2015-10-09T23:44:19Z")
I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a marriage where my partner withheld important information. Lying or withholding information to avoid conflict or to “protect” your partner kills trust, which then kills the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2015, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/54 "2015-10-10T00:30:13Z")
I think they’re both wrong, but Rick is more so. It’s because of his underlying pressure on Amy about her job that she hid this incident from her. He’s not respecting her, and as a result she doesn’t trust him. Maybe she should have told him anyway (I’m of mixed mind about this), but he created the motivation for her decision not to tell him. ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2015, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729/55 "2015-10-10T08:43:11Z")
Rick has made it hard for Amy to talk to him about her job and seek comfort when she has tough days. It’s more his fault. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-something-unexpected-and-violent-happens-at-your-workplace-are-you-obliged-to-tell-your-so/733729.md?page=2)