# If the Ayatollah and Falwell were Abbot and Costello (idea swiped from Sofa King) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 16, 2002, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427 "2002-10-16T00:25:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2002, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427/1 "2002-10-16T00:25:53Z")
Inspired by (and swiped shamelessly from) **Sofa King’s** [comic genius](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=139249&pagenumber=2) utterly brilliant post and stunning funny idea of using that idiot Ayatollah and that other idiot Falwell as Abbot and Costello, and given that the Fatwa’s (apparently) been called off and no-one was hurt, I came up with my own varient. _The scene: a jail cell. That Ayatollah and Falwell are locked up together_. _Falwell_: So what are you in for? You a terrorist? _Ayatollah_: Terrorist!? TERRORIST!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID TO THE LAST PERSON WHO SAID THAT? _Ayatollah lunges at Falwell. Falwell sidesteps (he’s had practice) and says_: _Falwell_: Um…no? Hey, sorry if I upset you pal. _Ayatollah: (struggling to regain control)_ Pal? Pal!? That’s the first kind word anyone ever said to me. You see, friend, I wasn’t always a rabid fanatic like you. _Falwell_: Hey! _Ayatollah_: Would you like to hear my story? _Falwell_: No! _Ayatollah_: Then I’ll tell it to you. It was 55 years ago that I last saw my baby boy. He was a beautiful child. _Falwell_: This baby. Did he have brown eyes? _Ayatollah_: Yes. _Falwell_: And brown hair? _Ayatollah_: Yes! _Falwell_: And two little buck teeth in front? _Ayatollah_: YES! YES! _Falwell_: DADDY! _Ayatollah: (blinks, but gamely tries to recover)_: We were very happy, my little family. One morning we were seated around the breakfast table and a knock came at the door. I opened the door and there stood a man. He was broken in health and spirit. I begged him to enter. I welcomed him into my home and said “make my home your home”, and he did. One day I returned from work to find my home was no longer a home, my wife, the baby and the stranger had fled. Then one day, I found out he was a terrorist. It was his glamorous terrorist lifestyle that turned their heads. Suddenly my brain snapped, all the hatred, all the pent-up emotion of years suffering swelled up within me. I knew I would never be satisfied until I had my boney fingers wrapped around his throat. So with murder in my heart, SLOWLY I TURNED, STEP BY STEP, STEP BY STEP, I CREPT UPON HIM AND WHEN I SAW THE SNEER ON HIS FACE, I STRUCK, AND I GRABBED HIM AND I SHOOK HIM AROUND… _Ayatollah grabs Falwell by the neck and begins shaking him around_ _Lou Jacobi, for no reason other than the fact that his dialect is fun to write, wanders intp this part of the cell (I dunno either. Maybe the cell has two rooms. Really, who cares?) and taps the Ayatollah on the shoulder._ _Lou Jacobi_ Sir? Sir! Is this Nebish bothering you? _Falwell_: Aak! _Ayatollah: (releasing Falwell)_: No. I’m sorry. It was my fault. _Lou Jacobi_: Oh, I can’t believe that. _To Falwell_ Why are you interrupting him? _Falwell_: I…he…but… _Lou Jacobi_: Quiet, you. Now sir, please continue. _Ayatollah_: You see, any time I hear that word…I can’t control myself. I just want to KILL SOMEONE! _Lou Jacobi_: I came in late and missed the first act. What’s this mysterious word that gets you in a tummel? _Falwell_: It’s “terrorist” _Ayatollah_: “TERRORIST”!! Oh I knew I’d never be satisfied until I had his blood running between my fingers. So, SLOWLY I TURNED, STEP BY STEP, STEP BY STEP, I CREPT UPON HIM AND WHEN I SAW THE SMIRK OF HIS CONTENANCE, I GRABBED HIM. I LET HIM HAVE IT AGAIN, I COULDNT HELP MYSELF, I WAS GOING OUT OF MY MIND. _Ayatollah grabs Falwell by the neck and begins shaking him around. Falwell eventually frees himself as Lou Jacobi looks on with vague interest._ _Lou Jacobi (to Falwell)_: Why do you keep interrupting this man? He’s telling us his life history. I, for one, am fascinated. _Falwell_: (whimpers) _Lou Jacobi (to Ayatollah)_: Please continue sir. I’ll try to keep this Noodnik quiet. _Ayatollah_: Poor thing. I hurt you again, didn’t I? _Falwell_: That’s all right. _Ayatollah_: I just can’t help myself. When I hear that word… _Lou Jacobi_: What word would that be? _Falwell_: DON’T SAY IT!! _Lou Jacobi_: Don’t say what? _Falwell_: Terr… _Ayatollah_: TERR…!!! _Falwell_: TerrIFFIC! TERRIFIC! I SAID TERRIFIC! _Ayatollah (calming down):_ Terrific _Lou Jacobi_: Yeah. It’s a good thing you didn’t say that other word. _Falwell_: Yeah. Imagine if I’d said “Terrorist” instead! [sub]eep.[/sub] _Ayatollah_: TERRORIST! SO, SLOWLY I TURNED… _Lou Jacobi_: Here we go again!!! _Ayatollah_: STEP BY STEP, I CREPT CLOSER AND CLOSER AND WHEN I FELT HIS BREATH ON MY TEETH, I GRABBED HIM ONCE AGAIN AND I SHOOK HIM AND I HIT HIM AND I… _Ayatollah grabs Falwell by the neck and begins shaking him around. Falwell eventually frees himself and collapses to the floor._ _Lou Jacobi_: Get up, already! _Falwell_: No. He’ll only knock me down again. _Lou Jacobi_: Oh come on. If you’d stop antagonizing him… _Falwell_: Me? Antagonize HIM? He’s been getting away with murder. _Ayatollah_: I’m really very sorry. I just can’t control myself. _Falwell_: You have to stop! You can’t keep hitting people just because they say a word. That’s crazy, that’s what it is! _Ayatollah_: I really am very sorry. _Falwell_: Aaawww. That’s ok. _The Jailer, played by Curley of the Three Stooges appears outside the cell:_ Keep it down, willya? I’m tryin’ to read my lit’rature! _holds up a girlie magazine_. _Lou Jacobi (slyly)_: See here Mister Big-Shot Jailer. I demand to know what we’re being charged with! _Jailer (sighs)_: I tol’ you awready! _Lou Jacobi_: Let’s pretend I’ve your intellect and forgot. _Jailer_: Ooooh, a wise guy eh? I’ll moidilize ya! _Lou Jacobi_: Be that as it may, the charges please? _Jailer_: Soitinly. You’re in for practicing law without a license, Falwell’s in for malicous loitering and the Ayatollah’s in for sheltering terrorists. _Falwell_: HEAD FOR THE HILLS! _Ayatollah (in a fit of psychotic rage, bends the bars on the cell, steps out screaming)_: THAT WORD! SLOWLY I TURNED, STEP BY STEP, INCH BY INCH I SHOOK THE LIFE OUT OF THAT MONSTER WHO STOLE MY FAMILY… _The Ayatollah grabs the jailer by the throat and begins choking him. Lou Jacobi squeezes himself between the bars and saunters away. Falwell follows._ \*Scene: Outside the jail cell in a crowded street. _Falwell_: So where should we go now, Lou? _Lou Jacobi_: I think we should split up. We’ll meet at the lake. I’ll head towards the lake by way of the street, you follow the viaduct. _Falwell (confused)_: What? What’s a viaduct? _Street Vendor (played by Chico Marx)_: I’ma no know. Why a duck? _Lou Jacobi_: Ignore him. Just follow the viaduct. _Falwell (wails):_ But I don’t _see_ a duck. _Street Vendor_: I’ma gotta chicken, if that’sa help. _Lou Jacobi_: Sir, why would I be interested in a chicken? _Street Vendor_: I’ma no know. I’m not even know why you wanna duck. _Lou Jacobi leaves, irritated_ _A street sweeper with a painted-on mustache says_:Hey! Don’t leave in a huff. Or even a minute and a huff. _He turns to Falwell_ Did you know that when I was in deepest Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas? What the elephant was doing in my pajamas, I’ll never know. _Falwell (confused):_ Is the elephant connected with the duck somehow? _Curtain. Much applause. As Fenris comes out for his curtain call, the police arrest him for blatant routine swipeage._ The end ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2002, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427/2 "2002-10-16T00:42:24Z")
Falwell that ends well, I never say. ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2002, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427/3 "2002-10-16T01:59:31Z")
Cool! It is truly an honor to know that I have provided the lovely and talented **Fenris** with a small spark of inspiration. But the credit is all yours, my friend. After all, you know what they say about terrorist jokes: One percent inspiration, 99 percent consternation. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2002, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427/4 "2002-10-16T19:37:40Z")
_applause_ Wow, was that a Scatterbrain reference buried in there? ---
**Author:** ![Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myron_Van_Horowitzski)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2002, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427/5 "2002-10-18T20:06:21Z")
Ayatollah that guy Fenris’s got talent. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2002, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427/6 "2002-10-23T14:02:27Z")
The Ayatolah and Falwell attempt to do the “who’s on first” routine: “Who’s on first?” “My God’s on first.” “Wait a minute, my God’s on first.” “Mine is…” “Mine is…” They begin violently choking each other. They find the Ayatollah’s and Falwell’s lifeless bodies lieing in the cell the next day. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2002, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427/7 "2002-10-23T14:02:27Z")
The Ayatolah and Falwell attempt to do the “who’s on first” routine: “Who’s on first?” “My God’s on first.” “Wait a minute, my God’s on first.” “Mine is…” “Mine is…” They begin violently choking each other. They find the Ayatollah’s and Falwell’s lifeless bodies lieing in the cell the next day. ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2002, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-the-ayatollah-and-falwell-were-abbot-and-costello-idea-swiped-from-sofa-king/132427/8 "2002-10-23T17:13:56Z")
“So, who is your God?” “Yes, sir.” “Yassir is your God?” “No, sir.” “Then who is your God?” “Yes, sir.” “Look, am I gonna have to go to Palestine and ask him myself?” “Who, sir?” “Yassir.” “No, sir. Who, sir.” “That’s what I’m trying to ask you! I don’t know!” _“Third base.”_