# If there were a Sexual Olympics... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 29, 2001, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665 "2001-06-29T23:19:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/21 "2001-06-30T10:41:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Weird\_AL\_Einstein \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > > \*\* > > Amen! I think I’ll go build an Una-Altar in the backyard, right now! > > > > \*\* > > “Una-Alter”? [Dopey look on face] Huh? > \*\* Damn it. I shouldn’t type at that hour of the morning! Una-Alt **a** r. Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![Fredge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/258eb7/32.png) [@Fredge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fredge)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/22 "2001-06-30T11:34:05Z")
You’ll need a Chairman of the Games. Think of me as the sex-lympic’s own version of Juan Antonio Samaranch. Re: Bondage champion > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > \*\*Cough up some numbers, mauvaise. I think I already won that one. 😃 \*\* Sorry, past performances don’t count. For the purpose of the sex-lympics all performances must be current and under the close scrutiny of a large panel of judges and any fellow dopers who wish to view. ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/23 "2001-06-30T12:00:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > \*\* > > Damn it. I shouldn’t type at that hour of the morning! > > Una-Alt **a** r. > > Sheesh. \*\* Whups…I’m sorry, that wasn’t meant as a nit-pick on your spelling…it was the “Una” part I didn’t get. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/24 "2001-06-30T12:14:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fredge \* > \*\* > Sorry, past performances don’t count. For the purpose of the sex-lympics all performances must be current and under the close scrutiny of a large panel of judges and any fellow dopers who wish to view. \*\* Oh, alright. I guess I wouldn’t mind too terribly defending my record. 😃 [sub]pssst… **Weird\_Al** , that’s Anthracite’s name. Una. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/25 "2001-06-30T12:31:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fredge \* > You’ll need a Chairman of the Games. Think of me as the sex-lympic’s own version of Juan Antonio Samaranch. So that would be Juan Antonio Samaraunch, then? ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/26 "2001-06-30T13:52:23Z")
I’d take the Gold in “Impulsive stupidity,” for one thing. WOO! I think that, were this an event, I would easily blow away the competition in a head-giving contest. I mean, you know, as 'twere. Oh, and I bet I’d totally walk away with the “faking orgasms” trophy. Not that I ever do it any more, but I am the CHAMPION, baybee…noises, muscle spasms, everything. It’d almost be less work to go ahead and HAVE one. Well, would’ve been. If I still did that. Meanwhile I’m going to be over here on the edge of the field, trying to extract my left foot from my esophagus… ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/27 "2001-06-30T14:32:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Fredge \* > > \*\*Sorry, past performances don’t count. For the purpose of the sex-lympics all performances must be current and under the close scrutiny of a large panel of judges and any fellow dopers who wish to view. \*\* > > Oh, alright. I guess I wouldn’t mind too terribly defending my record. :D\*\* Good! Because although I’ve, um, trained, I haven’t been able to, er, compete yet. Yeah, that’s it. But I have confidence that I’ll at least place, if not get the Gold 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/28 "2001-06-30T14:43:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > \*\* > > [sub]pssst… **Weird\_Al** , that’s Anthracite’s name. Una. > > \*\* Ahhhh…I thought maybe that was it…is this by chance the same Una as on the “Unaboard”? … And btw, why are we whispering? [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![deepbluesea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ba9def/32.png) [@deepbluesea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/deepbluesea)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/29 "2001-06-30T16:06:53Z")
I’d probably enter in the Bondage Endurance competition - but as the one doing the tying and teasing, of course. And I think, if my partner and I get down to practicing ASAP, I can pretty much lock down the silver in this category, maybe even take a run at the gold. ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/41988e/32.png) [@Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/30 "2001-06-30T16:38:36Z")
I think I’d like to have a go at the “female ejaculation/distance” competition. Or perhaps leaving the largest, most wet wet spot. Hmmmm, do you think Gatorade might want me as a spokesperson if I did win? I’d also like to offer myself up for the receivee for the “Orgasm Delivery Endurance Contest” As I have beaten the 52 mark in under 2 hours. (Having, not giving). It was a GOOD two hours, on a really good day. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/31 "2001-06-30T17:35:01Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Weird\_AL\_Einstein \* > Ahhhh…I thought maybe that was it…is this by chance the same Una as on the “Unaboard”?_\* Yup. I don’t think I am qualified to compete, but I would sure like to get tickets. Anyone know if they are available through Ticketmaster? And where are they being held this year? It sounds like we have a lot of up and coming talent this year.😉 ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/32 "2001-06-30T18:03:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tequila Mockingbird \* > I think I’d like to have a go at the “female ejaculation/distance” competition. Or perhaps leaving the largest, most wet wet spot. Hmmmm, do you think Gatorade might want me as a spokesperson if I did win? Tequila… You’re on. I may not beat you in distance/volume but I’ll bet we’ll be very close. Of course, if I have the right training partner…SP or Jeff Hardy… The Gold is mine 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/41988e/32.png) [@Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/33 "2001-06-30T18:20:44Z")
hardgrrl, great! A contest isn’t worth attempting without serious competition. And, why limit ourselves to one partner? I’ll give you both SP and Jeff Hardy if I can get TD and an unnamed “chew toy”. Are we allowed use of hands and or battery operated devices as well? ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/34 "2001-06-30T18:21:56Z")
Decadentathalon - The ultimate event for men and women. The event starts with individual exhibitionism, participants will be scored on the number of people they can impress with their “talents” over a given time period without being arrested for lewdness. Next will be the Pick Up / Tease event where athletes would be given several hours to determine how many people they could convince to come home and do the nasty with them, alcohol may be used as a tool here although doping will be strictly forbidden. Actually having sex during this event will disqualify the athlete. Men tend to score poorly in this event while women do much better. The third event will be Marathon Sex/Endurance. The participant who can perform sexually the longest without achieving orgasm will be deemed the winner. Following the Marathon Sex will be The Quicky where the participant getting off the fastest with or without a partner will be deemed the winner. Look for the winner of the Marathon Sex/Endurance event to score highly in this event. S&M looks to be an exciting event, participants will be scored on both their ability to give and receive punishment / pleasure. Seriously injuring or scarring your partner will result in points being deducted. For the Beastialty event, sheep will be used. 'Nuff said as to what it will take to win this challenging event. A high level of deviancy will be required to win this one. The use of velcro mittens will not be allowed and Scottish persons will be disqualified due to them having an unfair ethnic advantage. They will be allowed to compete although their scores will be based on their ability to resist the charms of those wooly mammals. Last years champion, Angus Mc Fadden set a new record by going 12 seconds before lifting his kilt and grabbing himself a piece of mutton. (I’m a Scot by the way) The Orgy will test the skills of all the athletes and could possibly go on for many hours, if not days. The last person who is able to perform sexually may not be the winner as high points will be given to those performing sexual acts with multiple persons. Masturbation - The winner will be decided by who can get off the most times in a set period. This event favours younger men although some old geezers have been known to demonstrate amazing skill in this area. Pornography will be made available in the form of footage from previous events. Kink - A panel of judges will score athletes based on how bizarre and imaginative their fetish or predilection is. Props may be used. Finally there will a Bribing of the judges where athletes can gain points by providing sexual favours to the members of the panel. Anything goes here and the points given are up to the discretion of the individual judge. ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/35 "2001-06-30T18:29:24Z")
I think I’d enter the just normal “getting laid” competition. I’d win the silver, of course, as I consider it impolite to finish first. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/36 "2001-06-30T18:59:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Feynn \* > **Masturbation - The winner will be decided by who can get off the most times in a set period.** If that’s the only requirement, then this event does _not_ favour younger men … it would favour women. When it comes to orgasms per set time frame in a masturbation contest – a woman can beat a man hands down (pardon the pun). ---
**Author:** ![JuanDeCuba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a87d85/32.png) [@JuanDeCuba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JuanDeCuba)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/37 "2001-06-30T19:16:52Z")
I think I could get the gold medal for abstinance 🙂 ::d & r:: ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/38 "2001-06-30T19:31:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tequila Mockingbird \* > \*\*hardgrrl, great! A contest isn’t worth attempting without serious competition. And, why limit ourselves to one partner? I’ll give you both SP and Jeff Hardy if I can get TD and an unnamed “chew toy”. Are we allowed use of hands and or battery operated devices as well? \*\* Of course \*\* Tequila \*\* 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Searching\_For\_Truth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@Searching\_For\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Searching_For_Truth)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/39 "2001-06-30T19:45:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Feynn \* > **The Orgy will test the skills of all the athletes and could possibly go on for many hours, if not days. The last person who is able to perform sexually may not be the winner as high points will be given to those performing sexual acts with multiple persons.** Yup, that’s Activity Number One for me. Ask **Catalyst** about the People Pile. _huge grin_ > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Feynn \* \*\* Kink - A panel of judges will score athletes based on how bizarre and imaginative their fetish or predilection is. Props may be used. \*\* Props? SCORE. I’m in. Activity #2. Are there size limitations on these props, ya think? By the way…those poor, poor sheep. _sniffles in sympathy_ And as a sub-category for Pick Up/Tease, **Seduction** plays an important role in sexuality. This of course, will include props as well… I propose a **Hot-Dog Eating Contest** , too. (I like hot dogs.) Whoever can most suggestively eat a Hot Dog _has_ to get something, right? And what’s this about Gold and Silver medals? Can’t we be like…serviced instead? Sounds like ample reward to me… ---
**Author:** ![tsunamisurfer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a698b9/32.png) [@tsunamisurfer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tsunamisurfer)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2001, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665/40 "2001-06-30T20:16:50Z")
Pommel Horse (two-hands required) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-there-were-a-sexual-olympics/70665.md?page=1)