# If these walls can talk... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 14, 2001, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467 "2001-07-14T07:01:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2001, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/1 "2001-07-14T07:01:30Z")
And not just walls. What would inanimate objects say if they could talk? A friend came up with this: :::solicitor rings doorbell::: “Hey, don’t touch me there!” And I thought of: :::me watching TV::: TV says, “Quit staring at me!” I’m sure the brilliant Teeming Millions can come up with better possibilities… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![BooBoo316](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@BooBoo316](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BooBoo316)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2001, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/2 "2001-07-14T07:08:01Z")
Toilet “Hey! Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing, you freak?!?” ---
**Author:** ![xcheopis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bc8723/32.png) [@xcheopis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xcheopis)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2001, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/3 "2001-07-14T07:08:47Z")
Get off of me! ---
**Author:** ![Jukeball](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@Jukeball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jukeball)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2001, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/4 "2001-07-14T07:16:39Z")
The phone : How come I get engaged so many times!!! When am I going to get married ---
**Author:** ![AbbySthrnAccent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@AbbySthrnAccent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AbbySthrnAccent)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2001, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/5 "2001-07-14T07:33:57Z")
The computer, “Your touch turns me on.” ---
**Author:** ![BooBoo316](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@BooBoo316](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BooBoo316)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2001, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/6 "2001-07-14T07:49:34Z")
The VCR “Don’t you have _anything_ other than porn tapes?” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2001, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/7 "2001-07-14T18:14:28Z")
As seen on MST3K…Food: BITE ME!!! Condoms…“You want me to go _where_?” ---
**Author:** ![Montfort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Montfort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Montfort)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2001, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/8 "2001-07-14T22:21:01Z")
Dildo: “It’s dark and hot in there! Eww, why is she licking me?!?” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/9 "2001-07-15T06:13:22Z")
Couch, when Mr. Rilch is on it: “Oh no…Nooooooo! [gag cough choke] Stop eating onions!” ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/10 "2001-07-15T06:19:44Z")
toilet paper: oh Shit! not again! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![AbbySthrnAccent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@AbbySthrnAccent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AbbySthrnAccent)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/11 "2001-07-15T06:21:06Z")
The fireplace, “C’mere baby, let me warm you up.” ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/12 "2001-07-15T06:24:46Z")
the computer: “No, please no! For god’s sakes I don’t want another Windows upgrade!” ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/13 "2001-07-15T06:29:28Z")
The bed: “Oh, you two quit whining. I **always** have to sleep in the wet spot…” ---
**Author:** ![AbbySthrnAccent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@AbbySthrnAccent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AbbySthrnAccent)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/14 "2001-07-15T06:29:49Z")
The pool table, “Nice rack!” [sub]Ok, I can’t believe I said that in a public forum. Oh yeah, it wasn’t me it was the pool table![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Anniz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/cc9497/32.png) [@Anniz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anniz)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/15 "2001-07-15T07:54:08Z")
The SDMB boards, oh, nooooooo, here comes **Handy** again.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/16 "2001-07-15T08:01:22Z")
The mailbox: “Do I have outgoing mail? Or am I just happy to see you…?” ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/17 "2001-07-15T08:03:28Z")
Monica Lewinsky’s dress: “Auugghh! Wipe it off! It burns! It burns!!” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/18 "2001-07-15T17:15:55Z")
Bill Clinton’s Cigar…“Oh no, anywhere but there! No, no NOOOOOOOO!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2001, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-these-walls-can-talk/72467/19 "2001-07-16T15:25:34Z")
First light bulb: [bright flash and POP] Second light bulb: Hey, Kenny just burned out! Third light bulb: They killed Kenny! Fourth light bulb: Bastards!