# If we named our children like Puritans. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 1, 2003, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098 "2003-01-01T22:07:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![monica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@monica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monica)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2003, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/21 "2003-01-02T21:12:32Z")
I think I remember seeing a thread about how people should hav to get liscenses to have kids. You know what? You all aren’t getting them until you come up with names no one will laugh it. Someone think of the children! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![jk1245](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/49beb7/32.png) [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2003, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/22 "2003-01-02T21:20:24Z")
Expressed-Written-Consent-of-Major-League-Baseball Smith Any-Resemblence-to-Any-Actual-Living-Person-Living-or-Dead-is-Purely-Coincidental Johnson From my field (biotech) High-Throughput-Screening Smith Protein-Array Smith Rational-Drug-Design Smith Burn-Rate Smith Cash-Flow-Problems Smith ---
**Author:** ![Adridne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ccd318/32.png) [@Adridne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Adridne)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2003, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/23 "2003-01-02T22:12:54Z")
From theatre: Be-Thrifty-With-Your-Glowtape-Lest-You-Light-Up-The-Stage-Like-Unto-An-Airplane-Landing-Strip Smith Do-Not-Upstage-Thy-Brethren Smith “Hold”-Means-Do-Not-Move-Not-Even-A-Little Smith Touch-Not-The-Props-Of-Others Smith ---
**Author:** ![Jake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2003, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/24 "2003-01-02T22:58:02Z")
Manda JO, Have you considered remarrying? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/25 "2003-01-03T00:41:10Z")
From the Scott McCloud school of cartooning theory: Implied-Action-Takes-Place-In-The-Gutter Smith Photoshop-Operations-Are-Not-Commutative Jones Better-Inking-Means-Less-Futzing-Around-After-The-Scan Baker The-Timeline-Is-Not-Necessarily-Linear Chang Convenient-Online-Micropayments-Will-Change-The-World Potter 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/26 "2003-01-03T04:06:39Z")
Advice names: Bring-Only-Two-Suitcases-and-And-One-Carry-On Smith Always-Wear-Clean-Underwear Smith Wear-Comfortable-Shoes Smith Brush-Side-To-Side-Not-Up-And-Down Smith Never-Wear-White-After-Labor-Day Smith Keep-An-Updated-Resume Smith ---
**Author:** ![Mirror\_Image\_egamI\_rorriM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e56c9b/32.png) [@Mirror\_Image\_egamI\_rorriM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mirror_Image_egamI_rorriM)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/27 "2003-01-03T04:19:52Z")
Annoyance Johnson Diplomatic Immunity Thompson Not Appropriate for Children Under Three Smith Revenge is Best Served Cold Jones Don’t Look at Porn at Work Green Double Click Andrews Don’t Touch That Dial Samson ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/28 "2003-01-03T04:49:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lissa \* > **Brush-Side-To-Side-Not-Up-And-Down Smith** I always thought it was Brush-Up-And-Down-Not-Side-To-Side. Oh oh. Computing advice names: Save-Frequently Smith Keep-Your-Antivirus-Software-Updated Mather Defrag-Is-Your-Friend Good Occasionally-Empty-Your-Cache Friend Don’t-Open-Unexpected-Attachments Smith and lastly: Your-Wife-Knows-How-to-Access-History-And-Knows-You’ve-Been-Visiting-Hot-Wet-Shemale-Giraffes-Dot-Com-You-Pervert Smith ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/29 "2003-01-03T05:16:57Z")
Malignant Adams Viral Pennington Hematoma Holbrook Munchausen-by-proxy Davenport Does-this-look-infected Phipps ---
**Author:** ![ratty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ccd318/32.png) [@ratty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratty)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/30 "2003-01-03T05:26:07Z")
I just played the Puritan name-game with a King Jimmy Bible by opening it randomly, closing my eyes, and pointing my finger. Here’s what I got: You-Lift-Up-My-Head Potter For-I-Am-Very-Near-To-Falling Mather Hosanna!-Blessed-Is-He-Who-Comes-In-The-Name-Of-The-Lord Smythe As-For-The-Classes-Of-Gatekeepers Williams I’ve always been rather partial to naming children after abstract qualities: Encumbrance Mather Dispossession Smythe Fight-The-Good-Fight Williams and one I always loved, and remember fondly some some book somewhere: Notwithstanding Griswold ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/31 "2003-01-03T07:25:07Z")
Be-Sure-To-Thouroughly-Chew-Your-Food Thompson Keep-Away-From-Children Baker Do-Not-Use-Near-Water Bronson Cape-Does-Not-Enable-User-To-Fly Peterson ---
**Author:** ![caveman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/caveman/32/7242_2.png) [@caveman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caveman)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/32 "2003-01-03T16:20:03Z")
Geography Names: Karst Jones Universal-Transverse-Mercator Smith Goode-Interrupted-Homolosine Brown Longitude Taylor (I like that one…) Continent Davis Tropic-of-Capricorn Williams Geek Name: Air-Speed-Velocity-of-an-Unladen-Swallow Johnson ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/33 "2003-01-03T16:53:00Z")
And names that save Mom time: When-I-Get-My-Hands-On-You Do-You-Have-To-Go-Potty-Now-Sweetie Put-That-Down-Before-You-Hurt-Yourself Would-You-Stop-Hitting-Your-Brother ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/34 "2003-01-03T18:01:33Z")
Names for everyday life Cross-Traffic-Does-Not-Stop Jones We-Honor-Our-Competitors-Coupons Jones Hi-Opal Jones Oil-Should-Be-Changed-Every-Three-Thousand-Miles Jones Lather-Rinse-Repeat Jones ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/35 "2003-01-03T18:38:29Z")
Deco-Violation Jones Safety-Stop Jones B-C-Ditch-and-Don Jones Buddy-Breathe Jones May-I-Have-Your-DAN-Insurance-Number Jones Buoyancy-Is-Always-Positive-The-Resultant-Is-Neutral Jones Back-On-The-Boat-At-300-to-500-PSI Jones Radiant-Heat-Loss-Is-Minimal-Compared-To-Water-Flow-And-Simple-Warming-So-Dont-Insist-On-Titanium-Fiber-Linings Jones Nitrogen-Narcosis Jones ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/36 "2003-01-03T19:45:46Z")
The offspring of the tech support geek (like THAT’s gonna happen): Pascal Smith Read-The-Flurkin’-Manual Johnson Reboot Phillips Linux Harrison Scuzzy Thompson Dongle James Modular Green Wake-on-LAN Brown Compatibility Anderson Fractal Simpson Proprietary Jones ---
**Author:** ![happyheathen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5e925/32.png) [@happyheathen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/happyheathen)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/37 "2003-01-03T20:18:20Z")
You’ve missed a classic: Schadenfreude also: Contempt Amicus Wingman and: Rimshot[sup]\*[/sup] - - from _Doonesbury_, one of Jimmy Thudpucker’s proposed names for his not-yet-born kid. ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/38 "2003-01-03T23:20:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Podkayne \* > \*\*[These](http://www.irmi.com/expert/articles/klein002.asp) [sources](http://www.hn07.dial.pipex.com/zurich.htm) (neither of which exactly exudes credibilty) say that Praise-God Barebone named his son Hath Christ Not Died For Thee Thou Wouldst Be Damned Barebone. Hath Christ Not Died (yeah, we’re on a first-four-names basis) changed his name to Nicholas Barbon. > > [This source](http://www.la.utexas.edu/research/poltheory/hume/histeng/histeng.c61.n07.html) says brother, and names him as _If_ Jesus Had Not Died For Thee &c. and [this source](http://www.wayoflife.org/articles/dip11.htm) concurs, noting another brother, Christ Came Into The World To Save. > \*\* :eek::eek::eek: I thought you guys were joking about this. Unless this is part of some really elaborate whoosh. Crazy… ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/39 "2003-01-03T23:40:46Z")
**Cisco** , [Praise-God Barebone](http://www.bartleby.com/65/ba/Barebone.html) was an honest-to-God preacher and member of Oliver Cromwell’s Parliment. As for the putative names of his brothers and/or sons, I have not done enough research to satisfy myself as to their veracity. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![pohjonen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pohjonen/32/423_2.png) [@pohjonen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pohjonen)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2003, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098/40 "2003-01-03T23:42:31Z")
Naming your daughters after virtues is nice, but I’ve always thought the vices need to be represented. Gluttony and Avarice have a nice ring… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-we-named-our-children-like-puritans/146098.md?page=3)