# If you could torture and kill one fictional character, who would it be?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [August 27, 2000, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889 "2000-08-27T03:14:11Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Diesel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diesel)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/1 "2000-08-27T03:14:11Z")
Quinn on “Daria”. She is the epitome of self-absorbed airheadedness. If you’ve ever watched the show, you’d know what i mean.
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### Author:  [@Osip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osip)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/2 "2000-08-27T03:22:46Z")
I would not Torture, Torture is for hobnails.
Yet I would glady eradicate Barney the dino from our lives.
I would even suffer thru the parades thrown for me through out the world.
Osip
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### Author:  [@tubagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tubagirl)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/3 "2000-08-27T03:24:19Z")
I would hae to agree with you in regards to Quinn, I would kill everybody on that MTV show, Undressed. That is the worst acting I’ve ever seen.
It doesn’t have to be cartoons does it?
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### Author:  [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/4 "2000-08-27T03:32:05Z")
After finishing the Braveheart Lazerdisc earlier this evening, I would have to say Edward the Long-Shanks.(Yes, I realize that he was a historic figure, but the story did a damn good job of making him into the most represhensible figure imaginable while playing with history, that I consider him to be fictional. If McGoohan walked into my living room right now I’d probably kick his ass just becuase 🙂 )
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### Author:  [@lucie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lucie)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/5 "2000-08-27T03:39:39Z")
Regis Philbin. That character annoys the living shit out of me.
What? He’s not fictional? What about Vanna White? Her too? Hmmm
Okay. This is an old one, but still valid IMHO - Wesley form ST:TNG.
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### Author:  [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/6 "2000-08-27T03:51:55Z")
If I’m allowed to pick a character who’s already dead, Ghezu from Lisanne Norman’s _Sholan Alliance_ novels.
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### Author:  [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/7 "2000-08-27T04:25:19Z")
Not like I’m really all that highbrow all the time, but I just finished _Palace Walk_ by Naguib Mahfouz (Nobel Prize for Literature, 1988), and I would happily brutalize most of the men in the book upside the head, especially Sayyid al-Ahmad and Yasin. _Whack, smack, bam!_
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### Author:  [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/8 "2000-08-27T04:29:01Z")
Hm, I started out as saying “smack them upside the head” but when I altered the first part of that sentence, I forgot to change the second part. I wouldn’t REALLY like to brutalize the characters upside the head. I’m not even sure how to do that.
Oh, and the last few books of the Wheel of Time have made me REALLY pissed off at Rand. What an ass. At this point, we’ll all be GLAD when he has to die.
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### Author:  [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/9 "2000-08-27T04:32:49Z")
Jennifer Love Screwitt’s character on Time of Your Life…I watched it for a riffing site that made fun of stuff like that.
I just wanted smach her face into juicer…anything to get her to stop being so DAMN PERKY!
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### Author:  [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/10 "2000-08-27T06:00:18Z")
Wait, wait, I think I want to change mine, or at least add to it. _horrified whisper_ _Jar Jar Binks_.
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### Author:  [@Tzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzel)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/11 "2000-08-27T06:44:04Z")
Prolly Cartman from South Park. I dislike the show, but I hate Cartman, especially the way he talks. “Get me down from hyah!”
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### Author:  [@KJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KJ)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/12 "2000-08-27T08:16:33Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by tubagirl \*
> \*\*I would hae to agree with you in regards to Quinn, I would kill everybody on that MTV show, Undressed. That is the worst acting I’ve ever seen.
> \*\*
ROTFLMAO! When I first read that, I comically misinterpreted it as:
“I would kill everybody on that MTV show (referring to Daria), Undressed (as in, kill them all while they’re undressed).”
For a second I thought “You’re one sick bastard” and then I realized you were referring to the show Undressed.
(You are, aren’t you?)
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### Author:  [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/13 "2000-08-27T09:54:46Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by wolfman \*
> \*\*After finishing the Braveheart Lazerdisc earlier this evening, I would have to say Edward the Long-Shanks.(Yes, I realize that he was a historic figure, but the story did a damn good job of making him into the most represhensible figure imaginable while playing with history, that I consider him to be fictional. If McGoohan walked into my living room right now I’d probably kick his ass just becuase 🙂 ) \*\*
Geez, McGoohan’s an old man now! :eek:
And, it should be pointed out that, in **The Prisoner** , he saved(?) the World (?) from…well…something. 😕
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### Author:  [@JimmyNipples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimmyNipples)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/14 "2000-08-27T13:45:05Z")
Wesley Fucking Crusher
Bastard
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### Author:  [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/15 "2000-08-27T13:57:48Z")
The Nanny.
“Hot Lips” from M_A_S\*H
Entire casts of “Family Matters”, “Full House”, “Boy Meets World”, “Mr. Belvedere” (ugliest family ever to appear on TV), “Facts of Life”
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### Author:  [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/16 "2000-08-27T15:12:21Z")
I agree with Jimmy, why Picard didn’t stuff Wesley into an airlock and pull the switch just baffles me.
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### Author:  [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/17 "2000-08-27T16:26:19Z")
The Teletubbies.
Every last one of them.
Slow torture. Real slow.
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### Author:  [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/18 "2000-08-27T17:17:19Z")
Dudley Smith, from James Ellroy’s _L. A. Confidential_ and the rest of the “LA Quartet.” BTW, Smith died at the end of the movie version of _Confidential_, but that’s not how it happened in the book–he survived, to be brained by the crazy guy who kept calling him the “Eyeball Man” at the end of _White Jazz_. Smith then lived out the rest of his life in a semi-lucid state in hospital. Any character as primally evil as him doesn’t deserve to die peacefully in bed.
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### Author:  [@Gomez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gomez)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/19 "2000-08-27T18:08:38Z")
Screech from Saved by the Bell, prepare to die, slowly.
Also I’d cleanse the airwaves of all those whiney, boring, obnoxoius, pretentious, self absorbed little know nothing know it all’s on Dawson’s Creek with one clean sweep of my Uzi, I wouldn’t waste valuable torture time on those little peckers.
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### Author:  [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2000, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/20 "2000-08-27T19:55:56Z")
(Yeah, I know you asked for just ONE, but I’ve always been indecisive. Sue me!)
1. **Gilligan.** Bury him in the sand with only his head showing at the edge of the water at low tide, then wait for high tide… (As Leslie Nielsen did to Ted Danson in _Creepshow_)
2. **Urkel.** Strangle him by his suspenders.
3. **Spridle** AND **Chim-Chim** (Speed Racer’s brother and pet chimpanzee.) Run over them with the Mach Five. Several times. AFTER jumping on them.
4. **Each and every Ferengi.** I’d find a way to counterfeit gold-press latinum, ruin their economy and they’d off themselves.
5. **Jar-Jar Binks.** (I’d learn the dark side of the Force JUST for this.)
6. **Richard Dreyfuss’ family in _Close Encounters of the Third Kind_.** With a screaming, whiny family like that, I’d BEG for the aliens to kidnap me!
7. Half the characters played by **Jerry Lewis** , ALL the ones played by **Adam Sandler** and **Ace Ventura** , Pet Detective.
8. **Fred Basset.** Most useless and unfunny comic strip published today. I thought we’d be rid of him after his artist died, but NOOOOOOO!!!
9. **Mary Worth.** Since she always sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong, I’d cut off her nose.
10. _ **The Pepsi Girl!!!** _ Drown her in a huge bottle of Coca-Cola.
I may think of more.
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