# If you could torture and kill one fictional character, who would it be? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 27, 2000, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889 "2000-08-27T03:14:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![KJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b2d939/32.png) [@KJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KJ)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2000, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/21 "2000-08-27T20:01:59Z")
Weee! I’ve seen Creepshow! BTW, the Pepsi Girl technically isn’t a fictional character. ---
**Author:** ![Diesel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6bbea6/32.png) [@Diesel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diesel)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2000, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/22 "2000-08-27T20:32:57Z")
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… somebody besides me knows aboot the Country Cukooclock Codpiece Zulu Warriors! COOL! ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2000, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/23 "2000-08-27T20:50:52Z")
> [@](#): > > Wesley Fucking Crusher > Bastard My BF feels the exact same way. It’s amazing how much hate he has for some person that’s nothing more than a figment of a writer’s imagination. I would take out N\*Stink. Nobody can tell me those boys are not fictional, some sick bastard’s horrific creation. ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2000, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/24 "2000-08-27T21:11:27Z")
What did I ever do to you, jab1? ---
**Author:** ![Max\_the\_Immortal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2000, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/25 "2000-08-27T21:15:40Z")
Elian Gonzalez. Oh, come on! You think he’s real? He’s obviously just a fabrication of the newsmedia to keep us distracted from the real issues. The name even sounds made up. Notice how “Elian” sounds a lot like “alien”, as in “illegal alien”? That CAN’T be a coincidence. I’d have him killed by having him tied to a dolphin. As the dolphin jumps out of the water, little Elian would have a split second to gasp for air before being submerged again. His lungs would slowly fill with water and he’d eventually drown. P.S.: I have nothing against the kid who played Elian. I simply want the character Elian to be killed as a protest of all the distraction “news” we’ve been getting lately. ---
**Author:** ![Jello](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f05b48/32.png) [@Jello](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jello)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2000, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/26 "2000-08-27T22:36:05Z")
Jack Ryan. I used to like him, but after him becoming President was the worst thing Clancy has ever done. Even making him run for reelection when he doesn’t like politics. Bah! ---
**Author:** ![pipefitter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@pipefitter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pipefitter)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2000, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/27 "2000-08-27T22:43:27Z")
All the character from “Lexx” ---
**Author:** ![EnochF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/779978/32.png) [@EnochF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EnochF)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/28 "2000-08-28T04:56:56Z")
Probably Neelix. But _only_ if Will Ferrell from _Saturday Night Live_ doesn’t count as fictional. ---
**Author:** ![scarface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e56c9b/32.png) [@scarface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scarface)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/29 "2000-08-28T05:26:29Z")
Wesley Crusher. I read a book on writing for Star Trek and one of the points was that you had to keep in mind at all times that this was a military organization, for example if there was and explosion on the bridge the men would not comfort the women as the women were equal partners in the miltary organization. Then Rodenberry puts a kid on the bridge, duh. I used to hate Nelix, but I’ve gotten used to him. ---
**Author:** ![JDeMobray](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/85e7bf/32.png) [@JDeMobray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JDeMobray)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/30 "2000-08-28T05:27:41Z")
Actually, Quinn had a couple fairly non-self absorbed moments in the Daria movie that they aired tonight. Including telling Sandy “Knowing the answer to a simple question doesn’t make you a peadagouge.” 😃 Anyway, with respect to everyone else’s opinion; I’m gonna have to say **JANEWAY~!**. _Facist, mind-controlling, prime-directive slaughtering, doctor’s-memory-rewriting, holodeck-wife-murdering, borg-sympathyzing, Q-screwing, ship endangering piece of trash excuse for a ship captain . . . . ._ Ah, I feel much better now. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/31 "2000-08-28T05:34:08Z")
Gilligan and the Pepsi girl, but first… Homer Simpson! He’s soooooo God Damn stupid. I have to deal with guys like him every day. (my boss, clients, on the freeway). First, I want to kill marge in front of Homer. When homer begs to know why she has to die, I’ll tell him: It’s your punishment for being so !@#$! stupis! Then I’ll kill him via starvation! ---
**Author:** ![mouthbreather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/32 "2000-08-28T12:23:53Z")
Only two come to mind: 1.) Dwight Yokkam’s character, “Doyle Hargraves” in the movie **Sling Blade**. Yes, I know he had a pretty bad time of it in the last 5 minutes of the movie, but I think it was too good for him. 2.) And, even though I don’t know the actor or character name, the fat guy from **The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover**. Ugh! I don’t think I have ever hated a character so much. ---
**Author:** ![Tzel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Tzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzel)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/33 "2000-08-28T12:28:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diesel \* > \*\*Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… somebody besides me knows aboot the Country Cukooclock Codpiece Zulu Warriors! COOL! \*\* Yeah, they’re _much_ better than the Polka-dotted Embryonic Rockabilly Fighter Pilots. ---
**Author:** ![nick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f9ae1b/32.png) [@nick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nick)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/34 "2000-08-28T12:49:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kyla \* > \*\*Hm, I started out as saying “smack them upside the head” but when I altered the first part of that sentence, I forgot to change the second part. I wouldn’t REALLY like to brutalize the characters upside the head. I’m not even sure how to do that. > > Oh, and the last few books of the Wheel of Time have made me REALLY pissed off at Rand. What an ass. At this point, we’ll all be GLAD when he has to die. \*\* I personally like how the development of Rand is going, Nynaeve on the other hand…well, I would really like to kick her in the face a few times. ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/35 "2000-08-28T18:55:51Z")
Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. I broke my personal “don’t consume art that brutalizes women” rule to read the book one boring weekend recently. If you haven’t already polluted your soul with this piece of literature, DON’T!! You’ll find yourself joining Oprah’s book club as an antidote… [hijack] for all you Wheel of Time readers, what book are we on now? Last I read was Crown of Swords, I think…I go so long between reading the books that I forget. Anyone is welcome to clue me in [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/36 "2000-08-28T22:14:59Z")
The last one was Path of Daggers. The next is Winter’s Heart. It’s due out in November, I think. I was very, very, very disappointed with PoD. Maybe in WH, something will actually _happen._ BTW, I like Nynaeve. I think I might be the only person who does, though. However, I wish she would stop picking on Mat, I adore him. (Upcoming thread: Fictional Characters You Have a Crush On…) ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2000, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/37 "2000-08-28T22:46:14Z")
“Feynn: I agree with Jimmy, why Picard didn’t stuff Weslery into an airlock and pull the switch just baffles me.” Make it so. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2000, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/38 "2000-08-29T02:22:30Z")
Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![Mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2000, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/39 "2000-08-29T03:11:05Z")
Scrappy-Doo. ---
**Author:** ![Sapphire\_Bullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/96bed5/32.png) [@Sapphire\_Bullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapphire_Bullet)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2000, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889/40 "2000-08-29T07:06:26Z")
Ignatius J. Reilly and his mother (Confederacy of Dunces) what the hell was his problem and why didn’t his mother just smack him around a little??! smarty [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-could-torture-and-kill-one-fictional-character-who-would-it-be/30889.md?page=3)