If you decide to enlist, be sure to read your oath carefully...

US Coast Guard Oath of Enlistment:

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that at least twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. 

I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of nature’s storms, and receive no thanks or notice from the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later. I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won’t allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the redheaded stepchild to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all cost, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless.

I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as “salty” because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two-hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

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US Air Force Oath of Enlistment:

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

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US Army Oath of Enlistment:

"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Coast Guard, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. 

After completion of my Sexual…er…I mean “Basic Training,” I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Coast Guard guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to “COMPANY.”

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

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US Navy Oath of Enlistment:

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per     fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

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US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment:

"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonets ....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

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[sub]Rcvd via e-mail and thought I’d share. Not for the humor impaired.[/sub]

Damn, I love it. I forgot to read the fine print back in 1984 for the Navy.
By the way even N.A.V.Y. is an acronym: Never Again Volenteer Yourself.

I heard that “ARMY” is too: Ain’t Ready for the Marines Yet.

Tripler
I’m one of the cool blue-suiters.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Um, technically, a scuttle is a hole in the floor. A hole in the wall is a porthole.

Rhubarb, former member of Uncle Sam’s canoe club and Civilian Under Naval Torture.

Actually, that’s why I joined the Air Force instead of the Navy.

Fuck that! I have a GT Score of 144. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked “And you’re in the infantry, why?”

… everything else seemed pretty accurate, though. :frowning:

Oh, except the part about “not tough enough for the Marines” part.

I’ve heard that
The Navy shells the beach and drops off the,
Marines who take and secure the beach turning it over to,
The Army that clears the beach and build barracks that,
The Air Force lives in.

Former squid here that never spills a drop of coffee, likes having A/C and doesn’t have to walk around in the mud.

Spot on about the uniforms.