# If you don't have a large vehicle, you have no penis **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 18, 2006, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999 "2006-07-18T12:50:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/21 "2006-07-18T17:49:52Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I think I love you. 🙂 😃 Right back 'atcha, babe. I wear it at the firehouse around all the ‘macho’ men. It helps take them down a notch or two. ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/22 "2006-07-18T17:54:57Z")
> [@Anne Neville](#): > > I’m going to steal this description… Be my guest! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![verbenabeast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c4cdca/32.png) [@verbenabeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/verbenabeast)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/23 "2006-07-18T18:02:14Z")
> [@tremorviolet](#): > > Most guys who care enough about their health to eat tofu … (snipped) not to hijack… well, maybe a little… Where does that put those of us that eat tofu because we cook great chinese food (much of which needs tofu) and not because we give a rip about our health? Umm… that didn’t sound right… it’s not that I don’t care about my health, it’s just that I care more about eating yummy meat. waitasecond! this is getting worser and worser… I care about my health! really I do! but I still love the meat. :smack: I give up. to summarize: 1. Beast is a carnivore, but still eats tofu (in certain dishes when prepared properly) 2. Hummers suck (this reminds me of another thread… something about someone needing tips…) 3. Hummer drivers are compensating for a lack of… endowment 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/24 "2006-07-18T18:13:58Z")
I heard a Hummer commercial on the radio the other day that touted its 20 miles per gallon. Did a double take right then. And yes, these TV commercials really are pioneering new pathways into ignorance. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/25 "2006-07-18T18:21:31Z")
I’d just like to say that my truck is bigger than yours. ---
**Author:** ![Baffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dec6dc/32.png) [@Baffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baffle)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/26 "2006-07-18T18:26:04Z")
I can buy penis enlargement surgery with the savings in fuel costs I get from driving around in my Sunfire. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/27 "2006-07-18T18:29:53Z")
> [@shizaru](#): > > Theres a difference between a military vehicle used for military purposes and an overprice fuel hog that dickless wannabe’s drive on the highway. Ooh, ooh, I know! The military vehicle is used for noble causes? What do I win? ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/28 "2006-07-18T20:22:27Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > No, they’re marketing to the people who want to pay $50,000 for a balky SUV that gets about 8 mpg when gas is $3.00 a gallon and rising. > > I’m not sure who those people are, but there must be a lot of them… I don’t recall where I heard this, but it’d be a whole lot cheaper to tattoo “attention whore with disposable income” on one’s forehead. ---
**Author:** ![tanstaafl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@tanstaafl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanstaafl)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/29 "2006-07-18T21:04:25Z")
Don’t forget, there is a loophole in the tax laws that lets you deduct the entire cost of your vehicle if it is above a certain weight and you can claim that it is used for business. So a lot of these people may be buying them just for the tax writeoff. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/30 "2006-07-18T21:09:35Z")
> [@Troy McClure SF](#): > > I heard a Hummer commercial on the radio the other day that touted its 20 miles per gallon. Did a double take right then. Could be a Hummer H3, I guess. They’re really Chevy Colorados, at least mechanically, so they’re not nearly as beefy & masculine as they’d have you believe. ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Tan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/charlie_tan/32/12582_2.png) [@Charlie\_Tan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Tan)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/31 "2006-07-18T21:15:59Z")
I was at the airport the other week to pick someone up. As I sat there waiting in the car, a black H2 pulled up next to me, sporting those spinning hubcap things. He had a bumper sticker, on the top of the dark tinted back window saying (in English, no less) \*\* Big Toys For Big Boys\*\* The guy who jumped out was about 5’6 and weighed maybe 150 lb. A H2 starts at about $110k and gas is $6.70 per gallon around here. ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/32 "2006-07-18T21:20:06Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Apropos of nothing, I call Hummers ‘lobsters’. I feel like I’m getting whooshed here, but I _have_ to say something. The Swedish word for “lobster” is “hummer”. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/33 "2006-07-18T21:36:22Z")
> [@verbenabeast](#): > > 1. Beast is a carnivore, but still eats tofu (in certain dishes when prepared properly) My cat Luna sometimes eats tofu. She’s got a much better claim to being a carnivore than does anyone posting in this thread or anyone driving a Hummer- she’s a member of the order _Carnivora_ (which people are not), and she’s an obligate carnivore- if she didn’t eat meat, she’d go [blind](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a960426.html) (people, again, are not obligate carnivores). And she doesn’t own a Hummer or any other large vehicle (though I’ve got an adorable image in my head now of her trying to drive one with her paws on the steering wheel). She doesn’t even like riding in my car, because that normally only happens when she’s going to the vet. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/34 "2006-07-18T21:44:22Z")
> [@tremorviolet](#): > > For the life of me, I can’t really figure out what demographic they’re marketing to. Most guys who care enough about their health to eat tofu aren’t gonna be stupid enough to by a Hummer, especially for such a flimsy reason. “The heart is a muscle,” Bigend corrects. “You ‘know’ in your limbic brain. The seat of instinct. The mammalian brain. Deeper, wider, beyond logic. That is where advertising works, not in the upstart cortex. What we think of as ‘mind’ is only a sort of jumped-up gland, piggybacking on the reptilian brainstem and the older, mammalian mind, but our culture tricks us into recognising it as al of consciousness. The mammalian spreads continent-wide beneath it, mute and muscular, attending to its ancient agenda. And makes us buy things.” William Gibson, **Pattern Recognition** They’re not selling a car, they’re selling an image of manhood - masculinity, power, strength, toughness, patriotism, the military - to those shallow enough to believe that a buying a heavy, sluggish, expensive and impractical toy tank will somehow endow them with those qualities. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/35 "2006-07-18T22:11:46Z")
I haven’t seen the H2 “playground” ad, but I have seen the “meat vs. veggies” one. My impression was that the Hummer buyer was one of the most pathetic commercial characters in years. I can only hope that SNL does a killer parody of it. Maybe even a sketch convergence… a Hummer ad parody, followed by an “A@sholes” skit in which the couple buys a Hummer. [slight hijack] OTOH, there is one objective reason why tofu generally isn’t associated with manliness. It’s rich in phytoestrogens and was believed to confer some protection from reproductive cancers in women – that is, until a recent medical study which found no such benefit re. such cancers and hot flashes in menopausal women. Soy is still believed to confer some cardiovascular benefit, though, especially when it’s used as a substitute for red meat. [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![Rodgers01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@Rodgers01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodgers01)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2006, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/36 "2006-07-18T22:32:46Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > I buy cars because they’re fun, funky, efficient, useful, or any number of reasons. I don’t buy them for image. In fairness here, isn’t buying a car because it’s fun or funky just the same as buying it for the image? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/37 "2006-07-19T00:34:55Z")
> [@Rodgers01](#): > > In fairness here, isn’t buying a car because it’s fun or funky just the same as buying it for the image? No. Buying a car for image is buying a car to say, ‘Hey! Look at me!’ Buying a car for fun is buying a car to please one’s self, regardless of what others think. > [@Priceguy](#): > > I feel like I’m getting whooshed here, but I have to say something. The Swedish word for “lobster” is “hummer”. German too. That’s why I call them lobsters. (Now I can’t get _Peter Lorre_ by The Jazz Butcher Conspiracy out of my head.) ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/38 "2006-07-19T04:10:13Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > I drive a Hummer Motherfucker™, with a roof-based silo to hold most of my penis. [Cite](http://www.army-technology.com/projects/losat/images/losat10.jpg). \< Looks at picture \> Now I’m irresistibly reminded of the song [Detachable Penis](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detachable_Penis). I admit, a launchable explosive penis is much more manly. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/39 "2006-07-19T04:36:42Z")
My car is a ten car long train Mutherfucker! And there are snakes on it! ---
**Author:** ![shizaru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@shizaru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shizaru)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999/40 "2006-07-19T05:37:39Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > Ooh, ooh, I know! The military vehicle is used for noble causes? The miltary humvee is used to accomplish _the mission._ Whether you think the mission is noble is up to you. But the guys in the vehicle don’t make that decision. Refer to your local congressman for that. A “hummer” that you buy to drive around the highway is used to waste fuel and give the driver a misplaced sense of superiority and coolness. At least the driver of a military humvee has balls. Civilian hummer owners only wish they did. {QUOTE]What do I win? [/QUOTE] Your no-prize is in the mail. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-dont-have-a-large-vehicle-you-have-no-penis/364999.md?page=3)